Help!
by SilverWolf7
Summary: The Doctor, after the events of Midnight, has a little trouble getting back on track and takes Donna up on an idea of hers.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters that are recogniseable. Any others are mine.

Notes - This will probably end up very deep, dark and depressing. Will involve panic attacks, flashbacks, rage attacks, attempted suicide, diary entires, and naturally a whole lot of talking. Not all on the Doctor's behalf either. Will go into the Doctor's past and explore that. Will involve Torchwood. Will involve Martha and her family (yes, even Leo who wasn't on the Valiant). Will have Doctor/Rose in a one sided kind of way, since Rose won't be returning in this fic, as it is officially AU from Midnight.

Trigger warning. This fic may trigger.

This fic is a serious look at trauma, what it can do to a person, and therapy as a way to deal with it. NOT a crack!fic. You have been warned.

Help!

It had been hours of silence before he had been comfortable enough to move from his seat and grab Donna's hand, getting up and moving towards the room in the leisure palace that the TARDIS had parked herself in.

Midnight was one place in the entire Universe he would never _ever_ come back to. He couldn't look outside without shying away from so much as the slightest dark spot on the diamond formations, just in case it was that creature coming back for him. Without wanting it to, his body started to shake again, with just the memory of fear.

Traumatised, that's what he was. The only thing that had gotten to him more than this had been the Time War. Losing Rose had been bad as well, but that wasn't the same thing. That was grief that filled him and seeped into everything he did, and yeah it had been highly traumatic to him as it happened, but it wasn't based on fear. Well, fear, yes, but not terror.

This was...something he hadn't felt he would ever have to deal with again, and the point of fact that he had dealt with it once before, and only managed to get over the worst of it because of Rose, wasn't helping. Would Donna be able to stand being around him? Could he be around her?

He saw a group of humans that ran the place, knowing that an evacuation had been called, not by him, but by Donna who had the decency to explain what had happened, along with the others who had been on board the shuttle. They were bustling about in rather a hurry, and it took all the self control he had not to run in the opposite direction.

He was frightened of them. A bunch of humans. And he knew it was utterly pathetic and stupid and shameful to even think it, but he just wished then and there that the universe wasn't inhabited by them. Well, all but Donna, whose hand in his was the only thing keeping him remotely grounded right now.

Seeming to understand without a word being uttered, Donna led him well around the other people, and away from the huge cavernous rooms, and into the smaller guest suite that the TARDIS was in, waiting in all her blue glory in one corner of the room, doors opened already as if knowing he just didn't have the strength to go searching for his key and not having the gumption left in his body to do anything but place one foot in front of the other.

He was pulled gently inside; the doors closing behind him of the ships own accord, and led down to the corridors on the other side of the console room, to his bedroom, which was the first door they tried.

The old girl was being overly nice. That meant that he wasn't alright. Usually it was all hiding rooms and being playful, but now she was doing her best to make sure everything he needed was waiting and ready.

His pyjamas were laid out on the bed, a steaming cup of cocoa on his bedside table, waiting to be drunk, and his hearts sank as he noticed that there was a strategically placed bucket on the floor in close proximity to his bed.

Now he definitely knew he wasn't alright. The TARDIS, he knew from personal experience from after the Time War, wouldn't stop his nightmares. She could if she thought he was lagging behind too much in rest, but she understood on some basic level, mainly from having humans aboard for a lot of the time, that nightmares were the mind's way of working through troubles. She saw them as a good thing, a healing thing, and yes, usually they were.

Sometimes he hated having a link with the TARDIS. It meant that she knew his mind. And right now, he was so messed up in his head he could barely think a straight logical sentence enough to even bother speaking.

In essence, right now she understood him better than even he did.

His nightmares were going to be intense. Too intense.

Damn it, he hated being sick. He hated remembering what it was like to be afraid to go to sleep to face dreams. He hated being scared of anything. He hated how Donna had seen what he had, and rubbed his back for a bit before leaving so he could get dressed.

She came back in five minutes later, and he still hadn't moved from his spot, staring down at the floor from his sitting point on his bed and wishing it would open up and devour him.

He remembered the complete and utter feelings of hopelessness, of despair, loneliness and helplessness that had come over him after destroying Gallifrey. What he felt now was exactly like that. Because he had something he had loved for so long ripped out and taken away from him.

He had loved his planet. The people he hadn't been too fond of though and he only really missed them when he realised that with them gone everything was just so...silent. He hadn't realised how much he needed their interfering in his life until it was gone.

Donna took a step towards him, determination flashed on her face. Adrenalin flooded into his system, and before he could stop himself he had ran into his bathroom and into a corner, just hoping to get away from Donna who had done nothing but look at him.

He couldn't catch his breath, and had ended up resorting to having his respiratory bypass system kick into gear so he could get air into his lungs.

It hadn't helped calm the anxiety attack though. It lasted for 10 minutes. Shorter than the last one he had had when the rescue squad had arrived to get them out of the situation.

At least this time he hadn't ended up screaming until he hurt his throat.

He couldn't stop shaking.

Five minutes afterwards, there was a knock on the door. It took him a few seconds to remember he had told her about his last panic attack. How come she always _knew_?

"Doctor?"

He cleared his throat, knowing it was now or never to start talking again. "Yeah...sorry. It's not locked." He hadn't even thought to lock the door behind him. If he had been in any real danger, he'd be dead.

His hearts beat a little bit faster after that thought. The door slowly opened, and Donna poked her head in, worry clear in her eyes. "Come on. The TARDIS is keeping your cocoa hot for you. Have that. It'll warm your insides up a bit."

Taking a deep breath, he got up from his awful hiding spot, and made his way back into his room. Donna was right, of course. The cocoa was still steaming, and his pyjamas were still laying there on his bed, ready for him to get into.

He didn't think he had any energy left in him to try, and his hands were shaking too much to attempt buttons right now. To his utter shame, Donna had decided that it was up to her to get him dressed in his night things, and had picked up the shirt, unbuttoning it herself.

He shook his head, in some silent gesture that he didn't want to change clothes; he didn't want to go to sleep. He wouldn't mind the cocoa though, but he found he couldn't hold the cup steady enough to drink it.

Instinct took over. He threw the mug at the wall, not caring about the mess, threw himself on his bed and started bawling like a two year old having a temper tantrum.

He couldn't do anything right! He couldn't have a drink, he couldn't change himself...he really was that hopeless. That helpless. He wondered if this time, he'd ever be able to escape from the shame of it.

He felt like he had been violated. His mind wasn't his, his body wasn't his, and his voice wasn't his. It had taken over, and there hadn't been a damn thing he could have done to stop it, and he tried. So hard he tried to stop it, to force it out, but it was stronger than he was.

He looked at her, tear tracks still wet on his face, though the tears had stopped falling and she must have been able to see the sick realisation in his eyes, because hers widened and she let out an involuntary gasp of knowing. "Did they...?" she asked, gesturing slightly with one hand, indicating his body.

He shook his head. "No, not like that."

The wild thought that he wanted to thump her when the next thing she did was sigh in relief, shook him just as much as the anxiety.

Oh god, he was becoming those humans on the bus.

He buried his head in his pillow, ashamed at the way he was handling this, ashamed at not handling it. How the hell could he have let something like this happen in the first place?! He had shields up to stop this kind of thing from happening, and that still hadn't stopped it.

Had his shields dropped? He did that every now and again, reaching out to try and feel something with that part of himself. Maybe the humans had been right, maybe it had all been his fault.

Donna's hand was rubbing circles on his back, and it was nice, so he let her continue doing it. Sooner than he expected, he was almost asleep, which was weird really as his body was still on an adrenalin high, which he still hadn't come down from.

Slowly and carefully, she undressed him and pulled on his pyjamas. His state of mind was a bit better than it had been, and it didn't so much embarrass him as feel slightly comforting, which was probably the reason why he didn't kick up a fuss about it.

The moment she went to leave though tension ran through his body and he started shaking again. "No! Donna, please don't leave."

She smiled and shook her head. "I'll be back, just getting some more cocoa. It's cold in here."

Oh, yes of course. His room was a lower temperature than the rest of the TARDIS, because it was his. She had complained of it being too cold after she had gotten back on board too, and he remembered that it was because the TARDIS had automatically dropped it for his comfort when he hadn't had a companion with him.

He nodded, and waited and wondered if she had been lying. But she came back a few minutes later, two more cups of hot cocoa in her hands, and a warm jumper on. "How could you not notice how cold it is in here?"

He shrugged, glad that after his little fit he wasn't shaking as bad and could at least drink the cocoa himself. "It's at a natural temperature for me. Gallifrey was a lot colder than Earth."

She nodded, and took a seat beside him on the bed, sipping her chocolate and sighing at the warmth it must be infusing within her. "I'm glad you talked to me today, you know. You don't normally talk about the important stuff."

"I'm crap at it. Really, I am. I've never been able to do so. And believe me, you're not the first to tell me I don't talk about the important things."

She snorted into her cup. "Didn't think I was. Make a habit of it, don't you."

He grimaced. "Yeah, I suppose..."

They lapsed into silence, finishing off their drinks, and he found himself warm and sleepy after it.

"Maybe you should talk to someone about all this crap you don't talk to others about. I mean, you know, a professional."

He dropped his mug and stared at her wide eyed. "What, you mean like a psychologist?"

She nodded, bent down to pick up his mug, and put them both on the bed side table. "Yeah. I was talking to Martha not long ago on the phone. It's kind of nice to have someone who knows about time travel and going into space and aliens and things like that. It was after The Library and I told her about what I said to you, you know, about "Alright" being Time Lord for anything but. She told me you did that to her. Probably did it to Rose too. She said that her family and her, they go to see a therapist that works for UNIT. Something about a...valiant."

The Doctor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but didn't say anything. He wasn't particularly in the mood for talking right then. Not with this conversation going on. Donna didn't seem to mind. She launched off into telling him more instead.

"Fine, be quiet. But really, it's a good idea. They send this guy out to talk to aliens that are left behind, or have crashed and things like that. So, it isn't like he'd think you crazy for saying you are one. He'd probably want some kind of proof though. Don't worry, it's destroyed afterwards I hear. You know, blood tests if they look human. Pretty sure the two hearts will qualify. Yet again, they do already know you there as an alien, so hey. You're set with that."

He nodded slightly, because UNIT have known for decades that he was an alien. One that wasn't about to go destroying the Earth at any rate. For the most part, he was on friendly terms with them, even if his views did still clash with theirs after all these years. He just really didn't think he'd be able to talk about things like the Time War, or what happened to him today in any greater detail than he already had.

He had locked up the memories of the War so tightly in his mind, that he was afraid to poke at it lest he ripped open the progress he had made in healing that wound. Now he had another thing to do that with.

He had been finding it easier to talk about things he hadn't been able to before. He had sat down with Martha and told her a bit about what Gallifrey looked like. He had told Donna about his kids and how much he missed them.

Maybe it was her empathy shining through, but he found it a lot easier to talk to Donna about things that hurt than any other person he had been with since the War. He hadn't even felt that comfortable talking about things with Rose, and he had loved her.

He shifted slightly. He wasn't too keen on opening those thoughts up, but maybe Donna was right. His hands begun twisting in his lap, showing off how uncomfortable he was feeling with this, but he needed to give some kind of answer, but he really wasn't sure what would do in this scenario. He shrugged and the first thing out of his mouth was such a weak argument against it. "I don't have money...don't you have to pay therapists for their time?"

Donna smiled at him, and he knew that he should have said something else, because she was taking that as an affirmative that he'd go. "Nah, sure they'd make an exception for you. They all already know you're off your rocker, and they still idolise the ground you walk on."

"Off my rocker?"

She nodded. "Oh yeah, completely crazy you are, but maybe if you just talk about the things that you don't you'll feel better."

He made a face, because he wasn't sure if it was just her trying to make him smile or if he really was crazy, though he did act a bit like it sometimes. In this incarnation he wore mania like a comfortable pair of well worn shoes, but that didn't mean he was.

He knew his last form was a bit of a nutter. Yet again, he had survived a War that had wiped everything about his people out of the time line. He had good reason to be nuts he thought.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, and looked out of the corner of his eyes to Donna sitting next to him. "I...wouldn't know what to do or say or anything like that..."

She turned to him and she was beaming at him. "Oh the first time is a bunch of questions. Just answer truthfully and go with it. It's after that you can worry."

He looked at her with an eyebrow raised and she shrugged. "My dad died a few days after the Christmas you met me. Mum was a wreck for weeks, Gramps had come to live in, and I was still upset about Lance. Needless to say that after a while they told me to go see a shrink. Have you ever tried disobeying my mum?"

He couldn't help it, a small chuckle made it past his lips and he shook his head. "I confess, since meeting Rose's mum, I'm a little scared of meeting them. Since Jackie, I've had every mother of a Companion slap me. I don't want to make it another one."

"Don't have a lot of luck with meeting the family then?"

He shook his head. "Not really. Wonder why I even started meeting the families of my Companions in the first place. Rose's was the first..."

"It's 'cause you're lonely Doctor. Everyone wants to feel like they fit in somewhere."

He snorted and shook his head. "Yeah, well, maybe that's the problem. I never have fitted in anywhere. Not even at home did I fit in."

She nudged him and put a hand around his shoulders. "Yeah, that's probably why you have shocking people skills."

He managed to look offended, even though he knew she was telling the truth. "Oi!"

She didn't bother giving him an answer to that, instead she squeezed his shoulder, and pushed him slightly to lie down. Even though he still didn't want to go to sleep, he was finding that the cocoa was doing its job a bit better than he thought it would and he yawned widely as he noticed his exhaustion.

"I'll stay with you until you're asleep, but don't expect to find me in here when you wake up. I do have to sleep myself you now."

He grumbled slightly, his eyes closing and staying that way. He was left alone then, in the dark, in the cold, in the diamonds...

He woke up screaming an hour later, absolutely sure that the creature, whatever the hell it was, was in the room with him, hiding in a corner, ready to throw him out of an invisible airlock in the TARDIS. It took him a few long minutes to remember that his ship would automatically keep him in and safe from any outside influence, and would have alerted him to an alien presence that wasn't Donna.

He spent the first 10 minutes after waking trying to keep the cocoa he had drunk in his stomach. He managed it which he was very thankful of, though he thought it rather nice that even though the panic of the nightmare had faded, the bucket was still there, just in case.

The way he was going with his track record of panic attacks that day, anything could set one off. The nausea was bad enough without having to suffer through more panic.

He got out of bed and almost ran to Donna's room, needing the heat, comfort and friendship she could give him. He found her in bed, not asleep, not yet as it was still early in the night, but reading. Since meeting Agatha Christie, Donna had been methodically going through his book collection of hers.

She looked up and frowned at him, and he just couldn't take that look right then. He turned tail and decided that he'd spend the rest of the night period working on the TARDIS. Unfortunately, the TARDIS had ideas of her own, and wouldn't let him anywhere near her circuitry.

Donna found him a minute after he had found out his ship's disobedience, and stopped him from going after the hammer. Not the mallet, which had a softer head than a normal one would, but the steel headed hammer, used only for repair work.

"Doctor, stop it. Come on sit down over here and calm down a bit. Hurting the TARDIS isn't going to change anything."

He blinked and the hammer fell out of his hands to clatter loudly on the grating. He looked down at his hands, before covering his face with them. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm sorry!"

The TARDIS gently hummed in his head in what was meant to be a comforting gesture, but with his mind so utterly wrecked from something that had gotten inside and done god knew what, he could feel his body start to shake again, and hoped to whoever was listening that he wasn't about to have another panic attack.

The link with his ship softened to the point where he could only just tell that she was there, but nothing else was coming through. It felt like a part of him had been ripped away.

"I'm sorry, girl, but I can't...I can't..."

The monitor lit up with Gallifreyan words that made no sense to Donna who had stated time and again that she thought the screen was broken because it didn't translate what she thought of as a bunch of circles and lines. He hadn't bothered telling her why.

The TARDIS was trying her best not to upset him further, could still communicate even if her point wouldn't get across as clearly without feeling it, and she was telling him not to apologise. To a point, she had felt the attack as it had happened, and was just as worried as Donna seemed to be.

His ship sounded more and more like his Companions, it was mildly frightening...

He took himself over to the seat, sunk down onto it and kept his head buried in his hands. "What's wrong with me?" he whispered, and though he hadn't meant to say it out loud, he soon had been wrapped in a hug by Donna.

"Come on, don't think like that," she said and he couldn't help but wish that there was any other way to feel.

"I can't help it..."

The hug tightened around him and he heard Donna sigh before she planted her chin on the top of his head. "I know."

And maybe she did.

He took a deep breath, leaned into her arms and decided that he was comfortable there. "Donna...I'm afraid." He knew the instant he had said it that she would take it the wrong way, but didn't elaborate on what exactly he was afraid about, but in the end it really didn't matter. Her arms squeezed gently for a few seconds, before she let go of him.

She looked at him and smiled. "I know."

In that second he decided that he would take Donna up on her suggestion.

Tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

My first real go at writing Jack. Hope I do okay with him.

Chapter Two

Tomorrow didn't come the day after the event.

He spent the first day after in the TARDIS, half the time lying in bed staring at the walls, and the other half wandering around his room, trying to get life back into his body. Donna came in to see him about every hour, bringing in food at mealtimes, and making sure he ate them.

He wasn't hungry. The thought of food at first made him nauseous, but he had eaten anyway, and found he felt a little better with something in his stomach.

The only thing he had eaten the day before were some of the peanuts, and that was before...

The first hour she didn't rock up had him gripping the pillow he was clutching tighter to himself, wondering if she was alright. It turned out that she had fallen asleep, as the TARDIS had gone into her night cycle and turned off her lights.

She had come back to him in six hours to find him trying to pull his hair out in worry for her, but finding it too vast and silent out in the corridors to go about alone.

The second day went a little better. He went out of his room once, only for a small walk to the kitchen to grab a light snack when he found that Donna had forgotten to get him lunch and he knew she would get angry if he didn't eat.

He had met her in the kitchen and had been greeted by an overly warm smile, and a hug. He felt like he had been tricked after that and had yelled at her for a few minutes, before stomping off with a few chunks of cheese and some cracker biscuits.

He refused to leave his room for the rest of the day. To spite Donna he didn't end up eating his small snack. She still brought him in his dinner though, and apologised about forgetting his lunch. He didn't know whether to believe her or not, so didn't say anything in return, though he did eat as she was watching him like a hawk.

He had hidden the food he hadn't eaten, in case she saw it.

The next time she didn't show up on time, he tried to sleep, but found that he couldn't do that without jerking awake within 45 minutes. Half the time he found himself screaming.

The third day he was a wreck. Not in the crying sense of the word, he wasn't really upset, just...he couldn't find the energy to get out of bed at all, and he refused point blank to eat any of his meals.

Donna ended up sleeping in his room that night, afraid of what he might do if he didn't have the company.

That was silly really, he wasn't suicidal just...tired.

He had managed to get an hour full of good rest before waking up from a nightmare. He had been asleep for only two hours all up. Even he needed sleep.

He was lying awake, watching as Donna slept beside him. He was used to a single bed, not needing anything bigger, since usually it was just him in here, so to need it for two people was a bit mind boggling. But the TARDIS had switched it out sometime during his little walk to the kitchen for a double. Small enough for his tastes, but big enough to fit him and Donna on it so that the two of them didn't have to touch unless they wanted to.

He hugged one of his pillows closer to himself, something he had been doing since Midnight, and sighed, wondering how long it had been since she had fallen asleep. He was guessing around five or six hours, and he was beginning to get bored.

He would go for a bigger walk around one of the gardens today, keep himself on his feet and moving, since his body felt stiff and sore from underuse. He shifted slightly, and accidentally bumped his ankle against Donna's foot.

She woke up and looked over at him.

For a second he thought he was about to get slapped into the next century but she yawned, smiled and nudged his ankle back instead. "How're you feeling this morning then? Better than yesterday I hope."

He nodded. He cleared his throat before attempting to speak, because his throat was a bit sore. He was amazed he hadn't woken her up with his tossing about and screaming. Unless he had and she had gone back to sleep or pretended to be so he didn't feel as bad.

"Yeah, better. I want to go for a walk. I'm bored."

She smiled even wider at him, and he knew that it had been the right thing to say. "Good! See? That sounds like you."

He wanted to smile back, but managed only to hold it for a second. "Yeah. Easily bored, that's me."

"So! Are you going to land the TARDIS, or am I?"

He shook his head furiously at that. While he said he would like to go for a walk, there were some things he wasn't yet ready for and going outside was one of them. He had no idea why it was so frightening to him, but it was. "No! I meant...well, there are some gardens in the TARDIS. I was just...you know, going to go relax and wander around in one of them."

She looked confused for a minute, but she returned to smiling at him after a while, and took him up on the idea. "Alright. I haven't seen much inside the TARDIS, so you'll have to show me this garden of yours."

He nodded, because he didn't know if he could have done it without her in the first place. As it was it took him another five minutes to get out of bed, and changed into clothes.

It wasn't his suit. He hadn't the energy to fiddle around with something that complex. A t-shirt and a pair of loose pants did him fine though. He put his jacket on over them, not wanting to part with his usual ensemble entirely.

It made him look silly, but no one but Donna was there to see him and the TARDIS of course, but neither of them laughed. The TARDIS's link was still closed to him, though he did reluctantly reach out to try and touch it with his mind.

He could still feel her there, and she knew he was testing the waters so to speak. The humming of the ship around him increased a bit for a few seconds, in a reply that she was still there, and he let himself try to relax.

She was trying not to cause him any harm. And while he missed the closeness he usually had with his ship, he was glad of it in a way, because her presence there in his mind frightened the hell out of him at the present time.

After he had gotten used to the horrors of what had happened that day, maybe then he'd be able to let her open up her link again. He hoped that would be soon.

Well, he was up and about today, so surely he must be getting better already. No need for a therapist at all. He was fine coping with things on his own. Yesterday had been a bad day, sure, but everyone had bad days.

Turning to face Donna, he put on the biggest grin he could, which barely lifted his lips into what could be taken as a smile, and pointed towards the door. "So, Donna Noble, ready to go out and explore the gardens of the TARDIS?"

She took his arm and grinned back at him, and he was comforted in knowing this is what she'd do in any normal circumstance. "You bet I am spaceman."

They wandered what felt like hundreds of corridors but were only a few, before the Doctor spotted a familiar door. He hadn't been in the gardens since Rose, but he had gone in there quite frequently before the Time War. It was a good place to go and just...relax, think if he felt it, avoid thinking if he wanted to.

It was the perfect place to go in a mood like his. He wondered then why he had never went in there after the Time War and had only gone back after he had been stuck in a basement bunker with a Dalek running around on the loose.

The answer was probably right there in the question, but to touch that would be the end of him right now, and the last thing he wanted was to completely lose it. What 'it' was he wasn't sure, but it could be either tears or anger, and known himself as he did, it would probably be his anger that escaped him.

He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he hurt Donna.

Opening the door wide, he announced their arrival with a flourish of his free arm. Donna let go of his arm and ventured inside.

Once upon a time, the TARDIS had let everything in here die, or maybe he just hadn't looked after things right, but right now everything was lush and green and growing, and he paced himself around for a while, going over to one of the seats and sitting himself down on it, smiling at the colours around him.

It was one of the smaller of the gardens, only a small room really, with the vine-like plants creeping round slats which were there specifically for that reason, and a couple of flower beds in and around the outsides, but it was beautiful in its own right, and one of his favourites.

"Wow, it's lovely! Do you tend it?" Donna asked, as she went around the circumference, stopping to drop and smell flowers alien to her. There was nothing deadly in here, thankfully, so he let her have her fun.

He hadn't pegged Donna to be the flowers sort of girl, but it wasn't the first time the woman had surprised him.

"No, well, not all the time anyway. Sometimes I do, sometimes the TARDIS looks after it, or sometimes a Companion finds it and decided to add or help it grow. Either way it is a small, peaceful place to come if you need it."

Donna did an entire two rounds of the garden, familiarising herself a bit with each plant, even if she had no idea what the hell they were called and took a seat beside him, grabbing his hand in hers. "It's lovely, really. They're all so pretty! I can't imagine what it might be like to go and pick out what flowers would go in here, so I'll leave that to the other people who come on board. Or you."

He managed a wider smile this time, and it stayed too. "Yeah. Well, you could always choose something from your own world, not something completely alien. Tell you what this place needs, a small tree or four, one in each corner. Citrus I think, make my own juice."

"Oranges and lemons. Contrast a bit, but not much...dunno what it'd look like with the flowers though. Might wanna ask the TARDIS about that one."

The Doctor huffed. "Well, I could, but I wouldn't get much of an answer out of her right now. Her link is...uncomfortable to me right now. She's still there, but only in the background and can't communicate herself like that. It's both a relief and saddening I think. My link with the TARDIS is all I have left now of my old life. Before the War."

The pressure on his hand increased, as Donna gave him a friendly squeeze, before she laid her head on his shoulder. "God, you're skinny you know? This really isn't that comfortable."

He snorted this time, in genuine humour, something he had thought had fled him forever. Trust Donna to bring it out of him. "Well, stop then."

She shrugged slightly. "Nah, it's alright. Just bony. Very bony. Do you eat?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know the answer to that one Donna..."

A sound that he didn't know how to interpret left the woman leaning against him then, and he sighed. "This is useless you know. I'm going to have to go outside sometime, I'm just...I don't want to go anywhere dangerous, and trouble seems to just...follow me around."

Donna lifted her head up and he could feel her eyes boring holes into the side of his face. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze.

"Well you can always take me home. Not to stay of course just to...you know...pick things up, say hello to gramps. He'd love to see inside the TARDIS. He's been an absolute lover of anything alien since the whole Big Ben debacle."

The Doctor frowned and thought about it. He liked Wilf. He had since Christmas when he had stayed in London when everyone else had scarpered. It was, as always, Donna's mother that worried him. Not so much about being slapped, or even thought down upon, but for the yelling. He couldn't take yelling right now, not with his nerves shot.

"Is it possible that you can convince your mum not to start yelling?"

Donna was quiet for a bit, looking like she was thinking, before she smirked and nodded. "Yeah I think I can manage that. So how about it?"

He let out his breath before nodding his head. It was the last thing he had left outside of telepathy he had to prove to himself that he could and would be alright again. "Alright then. Might stay for dinner even, let you catch up with your mum and grandfather."

He was wrapped in an excited hug, before Donna was off to poke at the flowers again. He laid himself down on the bench and watched upside down as she did more rounds, getting to know more about the plants as he talked about each species.

By the end of that day, he was in much higher spirits and felt like he could survive one day on Earth out of trouble.

* * *

He woke up the next day to find his head lying on Donna's shoulder, her arms wrapped lightly around him, rubbing his back in comforting circles as he let the dream fully die from his mind. He couldn't remember what he had dreamed, but he was pretty sure it had nothing to do with what had happened on Midnight.

Just a normal nightmare and one he got over quickly. He had them all the time, even before the War had made sleeping unbearable. He couldn't explain why he had always suffered nightmares, but he had gotten used to it when he was a lot younger than he was now, and they usually come in batches, not every time he slept.

Donna's body was shaking slightly, and at first he thought she was crying, until he moved his head off of her and found that she was laughing quietly instead. "Oi! I think I resent this..."

"I can't help it. God the things you dream!"

He must have talked in his sleep then. He closed his eyes and moaned. "What did I say...?"

She snorted and he waited for her laughing to stop before asking again, she tapped his shoulder and said with a bland expression on her face. "Oh it went something along the lines of, "No! Please don't make me do this Jack, I don't want to be running naked anymore. I'm cold! I know that these people hate clothing but that doesn't mean we have to strip off too. Jaaack, mind out of the gutter. Argh! You're disgusting sometimes."

The Doctor blushed bright red. "Oh...well that'd be the reason I woke up more embarrassed than anything else..."

Donna sniggered. "Forget that, who's Jack and why are you dreaming of running naked with him?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Jack's an old friend, human like you, but made immortal. I mean, truly immortal, he can't die. Well, not permanently anyway."

"How'd that happen then?"

"It was...a mistake. He makes my skin crawl until I am used to him being around me now, because of a sense of wrongness about him. He also was from the 51st century, and you know what the people from there are like. He had a billion adventures in which he ended up getting into or out of trouble naked...I only ended up in one of them. Must have dreamt about that, it sounds about right."

Donna took in what he said, took one look at his face and burst out into loud, raucous laughter. "You mean it really happened? Oh, I want to meet this Jack of yours!"

Rolling his eyes again, the Doctor sat up, glad to see that the walk yesterday seemed to have made his body less hurtful to move in, and his muscles seemed more relaxed. He even smiled fully at Donna and meant it. Oh yes, he was definitely recovering now.

"Well, I suppose before we go to your parents' house we could stop by Cardiff, let the old girl have a bit of a break, fill up her engines at the Rift, and we'll go meet Jack. And his team. I haven't met his team yet."

The TARDIS thrummed around him with the idea. She wasn't really running empty on fuel, but it had been a while since he had given her a proper break. Not at all since Donna had come on board. "Oh, the TARDIS likes that idea," he replied to his ship, moving an arm lazily to pat the wall.

She nudged him softly with her mind, but he automatically flinched away and she drew back again. Well, he might not be ready for that kind of contact, but he had no problem with others, and he wasn't going mad with anger over Donna laughing at his dream.

He was definitely getting over what had happened.

Thank whatever deities really exist for that.

He'd be fine as soon as his mind had calmed down a bit.

To make him feel even better he really did feel up to the visit to see Jack. He was still unsure about Donna's mum, but apart from that, today should be a good day.

He dressed in the blue suit, not even caring about having to fiddle a bit with buttons, because his hands weren't shaking anymore. Throwing his coat on afterwards, he admired himself in the mirror, smiling widely at what he saw, making sure he didn't look too bad to step out of the TARDIS.

Nope, he looked his usual good self, though there was the hint of shadows under his eyes, that wasn't anything new. Jack had seen him like that before, especially after the Master's death. Jack however, hadn't seen the blue suit, or had he? Not that it mattered what he was wearing when the Captain was concerned. He was pretty sure that Jack thought of him as naked as he was in that bloody dream every time he was looked at.

It wouldn't be that bad, if Jack would just stop looking down to see the front of his pants. Not that he hadn't spotted other people do the same thing before, but most didn't state things out loud. To his face. In crowded places. Just to get some kind of rise out of him. The wrong kind of rise, but a rise nonetheless.

It was embarrassing, yet oddly flattering at the same time.

With lighter steps than he had had for the past few days, he took himself to the console room and gave the TARDIS a good pat to show that he still cared. "Cardiff hey? To meet Jack, not too long after we dropped him off last. See how he's holding up."

He put in the coordinates and materialised in a place very familiar to him. Over the rift in Cardiff, on a nice bright day. Sun was good, well the Earth's sun was anyway, and it would warm him up a bit from the freeze that seemed to have settled in his very bones and inched its way into his muscles. He waited until Donna was in the room with him before he bounded over to the door.

To his horrified realisation, he found he couldn't open it. Literally, he was pretty sure he could have nudged it open with his hand, but he couldn't reach out to do it. His body had frozen on him at the last second, and there right in front of him was the door. The door...

_The door of the cabin opened and poisonous light came streaming in, and they were kept safe only by the safety mechanism that the shuttle buses had installed on each door. 6 seconds. And he could feel every single one of them like as if it was him being thrown out, screaming like _it_ was screaming; dread filling him even more now than at any other time, even though it wasn't physically his body. And then it was ripped out of him, and he was free and he was falling and the light disappeared as the mechanisms put in place closed the doors to keep the rest of them being poisoned or sucked out._

"It's gone! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone it's gone."

He was repeating again, but he couldn't stop himself because the relief that flooded him was just as equally powerful as the terror had been.

When next he opened his eyes, sunlight was streaming into the TARDIS from the opened door and Donna was holding his right arm, while Jack was leaning over and supporting him on his left. He looked over to the door before looking to the floor as shame, red hot, flooded him.

He had freaked out over opening a door. Literally. In his own mind he had been transported back on that bloody space truck which had broken down for no reason in the middle of nowhere and been busted into by an entity that was otherwise unknown and unnamed.

"Doctor, hey! Doctor, look at me. Say my name, come on Doc, just say it..."

He looked over to the man, surprised that the first real look he had seen in his immortal friends' eyes was worry, and not lust. He frowned and grabbed onto the only thing about this whole scenario that made any sense. "Don't call me Doc, Jack."

Jack beamed at him at that, looked over his shoulder and stated in a clear voice. "He's back, he's okay."

"Did I go somewhere?" he asked, not too sure by what he meant as he was back.

"You kept on saying over and over it's gone..." Donna said, and he turned his head slightly to stare at his latest Companion who he considered one of his best friends now, she knew him so well. There was a dullness in her eyes which he had only seen after events that had frightened her.

The shame turned over and slinked deeper into him, and he looked away unable to hold her gaze for very long. "I'm sorry if I scared you. I don't know what happened. One minute I was at the door, then I was back on Midnight, then I was here again, though clearly I never left and was having some kind of..."

"Doctor, shut up. It's called a flashback. You honestly didn't have one of those after the Time War?"

He stared blankly at Jack before sighing loudly. "I know what it is. Just...let me figure things out. My mind is trying its hardest to sort through this as best it can."

They gave him an hour, sitting on the grating of the TARDIS, leaning against his ship's console strut near her heart, breathing slowly in and out, and trying his best not to fly into a panic. Donna, bless her, stepped into the light coming in from the door, and stayed there, letting him know, without saying a word, that this was Earth, and that the sun wouldn't kill him.

It helped calm him down quite a bit. The problem there was that it wasn't the thought of what had waited outside the doors that had made him lose it, it had been standing in front of the closed door, the thought of not knowing where he was even though he had read the screen a few seconds beforehand and knew exactly where he was.

It was the door closed in front of him. It was the unknown. It was the sudden fear of flying into a panic at the drop of a hat over a stupid thing like a door. It was knowing that there were humans out there in the billions, all ready to make his life a living hell.

Too much is what it was.

"Donna...do you mind if we don't go to your home today? I changed my mind. I don't think I'm...ready for that just yet."

She looked over at him, shining in the light, and she smiled. "Sure. We can go some other time. Whenever you're ready to."

He looked to Jack, who was still at his side, almost hugging his side and sighed. "I was all excited about meeting your team too. Don't know if I'll like them or not, but hey..."

Jack grinned at him, and there in the back of his eyes was a familiar spark of lust. In that moment the Doctor could have kissed the other man, but he didn't. There was something different about Jack... "There's something new to you, Jack? What is it?"

The grin turned into a wide smile, and his eyes lit up. "Can you believe I am actually in a steady relationship with one man?"

The Doctor cocked an eyebrow at that one. "What? You, only having sex with one person? Alright, I still feel the planet spinning so why does it suddenly feel like the world has stopped?"

"No need to get all cocky Doc. Just because you missed out."

He stuck out his chin and held his nose high in the air in as posh a mannerism as he could make it. "You never bought me that drink!"

"Do you two always flirt with each other or what?" Donna asked from her position, now sitting, at the door, looking at the two of them with a small grin on her face.

"Oh, come on! You travel with the Doctor! You can't travel with him and not flirt, or at least kiss him once."

Donna looked at Jack, before laughing loudly and shaking her head. "Alright, I give in, you're right."

They fell into silence again, until the Doctor stood up, took a deep breath and knowing it was now or never, stepped the few steps to the open door and walked outside into what he found was a cold, yet brilliantly blue Welsh day.

It wasn't always like this. Or maybe he just hung around England too much and was more used to grey clouds.

It was beautiful, and just what he needed then. A nice, sunlit day, on a planet he loved and felt like his second home. Without thinking, a smile lit up his face and he turned to the others and waved them outside.

He'd get by. And he could do it without help, even if he was emotionally and mentally a wreck.

All he needed was a bit of time, and a lot of space.

He had both in abundance.

No. He didn't need help.


	3. Chapter 3

Smaller than the other chapters. My first go at writing both Owen and Gwen.

Chapter Three

Donna and Jack joined him when he had waved them over, and to his ultimate embarrassment, realised they were talking to each other. Probably about him, and not in the sense of what had happened a few days ago either.

It was like the meeting between Martha and Donna all over again, except with Donna and Jack instead.

It was like they were trading secrets about him, or at least tips on living with him, gossip mainly.

They were laughing and getting along, but yet again, Jack seemed to get along with everyone. It reminded him seriously of the time Sarah Jane and Rose had been laughing and pointing at him. No matter how much he asked, and then told them to shut up, they didn't.

Any time he had so much as touched a part of the TARDIS without it having anything to do with piloting or maintenance, Rose had burst into laughter at the sight. It had puzzled him and he still didn't know what it was all about.

Damn, he still missed her so much, but that hurt seemed to be slipping away in favour of much more current events. Right now he wasn't upset. Not in the sense he had been after Rose had gone, but he could feel some unknown thing inside him which he was desperate not to show.

He hadn't even known about it until after the little episode he had just had in the TARDIS. It had also disappeared for a few minutes out in the wonderfully blue Earth day.

It was now back, seeing that he was being ignored. Not that he blamed either Jack or Donna for wanting to get to know each other better. All his Companions when they met another seemed to like to chat to each other.

Thankfully the only two to have ever gotten jealous over each other were Sarah Jane and Rose. But yet again, both of them had loved him deeply, it was only a natural human reaction to meeting someone else who had shared his affections.

It had been hard to be around Martha without being able to upset the other woman into a jealous snit upon hearing her name, so he had learnt very fast to leave Rose out of any and all conversations.

Shaking his head, he turned his attention towards his two friends and listened to Jack as he took them to a stone in front of the millennium centre, turned their backs on the watery monument behind them and suddenly lowered them into the ground.

His immortal friend had been telling Donna about the cloaking habits of the areas around both the TARDIS and the lift, while Donna was too busy staring at the place they were going into to listen.

All the Doctor could concentrate on was how glad he was that he hadn't flown into a panic or a flashback. He probably would have fallen off and had to regenerate for his stupidity.

After the lift had stopped, and they had gotten off, his mind was whispered into by something very familiar and he flinched, before his legs began taking him to where the sound had originated. And there, on what he presumed was Jack's desk, was a growing TARDIS.

"Oh, Jack! How?" he asked, reaching out and running his hands over the coral like structure. He turned around, only to see a man who was clearly not Jack.

"Who are you, then? And what the hell are you doing in here?!" asked the stranger, who was glaring daggers in his direction, a scalpel in one hand, which was idly being turned around in a hand which seemed to have two broken fingers.

There was something not right about him. Something not right at all and it took him longer than he thought possible to figure out what.

He was dead. Dead yet still walking around. Thankfully he wasn't inhabited by a Gelth, or anything else alien for that matter. This man, this human was literally a walking corpse.

"Oh, you are incredible! How'd this happen then? Brain must still have activity, but the rest of the body is definitely dead. Those won't heal, you know?" he stated, pointing to the fingers which were splinted inside a glove, which, now that he thought of it was probably to keep himself from getting even more injured than he was.

"'Course I know that, been like this for weeks now. Either will the giant hole in my chest from where I got shot or the cut on my hand I have to stitch every bloody day!"

It was a sore subject, the Doctor could see that, but he couldn't help but be curious. He shuddered and turned back to the beginnings of a TARDIS, scrubbing the thought out of his mind that his curiosity was what had gotten him into trouble on Midnight in the first place.

An answering curiosity from the small coral-like being on the table, its interest piqued by the mind of something telepathic, made him realise that this was important and he couldn't block it out. He was the first real contact like this that it had known. He couldn't take that away from it, since in a way, the need for a telepathic field of information was vital.

"Jack!" He shouted, and saw that the man in question was sitting Donna down to speak to a woman, before coming over to him and the dead stranger.

"Ah, introduced yourself to Owen then. Good! You called?"

He pointed to the TARDIS. "How'd you get this? It's only now beginning to grow too! It's going to need just a bit more room than this when it gets bigger you know?"

Jack laughed and reached down to gently stroke it like he had done. "The old girl actually gave a part of herself to me. Sweet of her really. Think of it Doctor, soon your TARDIS will have a friend."

He shook his head. "You don't have everything it needs Jack. You're a lot better with your mind than most humans, yes, but it'll need someone to communicate with." He reached down, held his hand against the body of the small beginnings and closed his eyes, feeling extremely brave in himself when he opened up his mind to it, and let it see who and what he was.

It knew almost instinctively that there was another of its kind around, and that they were the last. It fed into him its confusion and sorrow, its loneliness at not being able to fully communicate with anyone around it, and he sighed, gently rubbing his hand over it, trying to show some sign of comfort. "I know...I know."

He did. The utter loneliness of not being able to communicate fully with someone, of being last or close enough to it of your kind, and it was hard. He showed a tiny part of his own feelings on the subject to it, and it hummed lightly under his fingers.

It had no idea what it was until just now, he realised, and that wasn't good for the poor things sanity. Completely cut off from the place where it would have normally had been kept to grow and thrive and develop its circuitry and mind fully, it had been lost.

"I'm going to get the TARDIS and bring her in here, clear some room. It's confused and lonely and isn't growing right because of it."

Jack looked worried at him, and then at the ship he was trying his hardest to raise and grow. "Will it be alright Doc?"

The Doctor sighed and shrugged. "It should, with constant contact of another being that communicates telepathically what it needs. Its circuitry will be hard wired wrong other wise and it will either have to be put down, go crazy, or it won't be able to travel. Its whole purpose will be to travel Jack. It'd be like me and the TARDIS stranded here...again, forever."

Owen, who had been standing silently to one side, pointed accusingly at him. "Just who are you, mate? And how do you know Jack?"

Looking over to the dead man, the Doctor blinked, because last he remembered the part where his face, along with Martha's and Jack's all over the televisions stating them public enemy's Number 1, 2 and 3 was still remembered. Though they had also been pardoned live on television after the whole Master debacle had ended.

"You...don't watch too much television do you?"

Owen snorted. "In this job, no. CCTV yeah, lot's of, but normal television, no."

"Ah, and what exactly do you do here? So! Torchwood, hey? Just be happy I'm not shutting you down for good. I don't like Torchwood too much. They made this entire company because of me you know? Well, Queen Victoria did anyway. I was knighted."

"I'm the doctor, the medical examiner. I'll just ignore the rest of that comment for now."

The Doctor frowned. "Really? You have a shocking bedside manner for a doctor you know that?"

"And yours is just so rosy," the man replied folding his arms against his chest and raising an eyebrow.

The Doctor conceded the point, grinned and lowered his head. "Alright, so I'm not exactly good with people, or so I have had pointed out to me, and a lovely demonstration the other day which almost ended up with me dead. I don't mean shot either, I mean poisoned, killed and burst into nothing but atoms in a split second."

"Shit, Doc, what happened? No wonder you're acting all...jumpy."

He turned fast on Jack, and poked the immortal man hard in the ribs. "I am not acting jumpy! I am acting like me. I am fine, and I don't need your damn help or anybody else's for that matter, so just leave me alone!" He was suddenly filled with anger, and turned around to stalk his way back out again, to get the TARDIS.

He needed to calm down for a little bit, before he exploded in front of Jack and his team.

A hand clamped down on his shoulder from behind, and it took every ounce of self control he had to not lash out at the owner. He had expected it to be Owen, but he was soon facing the owner of the hand and it was Jack. They stared at each other, the anger in him building till it must have been very noticeable in his eyes by the sheer force of it, and Jack let go with a loud drawn out sigh.

"Go get the TARDIS, let her help the little one."

The Doctor nodded and walked to the lift, going up and out into the cool day above ground. It took him only a few minutes to get back to the TARDIS, he was walking slowly though, and when he reached her and went inside he didn't bother putting her into the hub just yet. No, he went back to his room collapsed onto his bed, took some deep breaths before he decided that this was not going to go away with any sort of meditation.

He spent 5 minutes screaming into his pillow, hitting it as hard as he could to try and get rid of the anger inside of him, and when he was calm and exhausted, he felt better for it. He also felt like a 2 year old again.

What is it with the temper tantrums that he had been having the past few days? Usually he was so good at controlling his anger.

When he got up and went back to the console room, to get the TARDIS into the hub, he was surprised to find Owen standing just inside the doors looking about him.

"Well...shit. Don't show Ianto this, he'd go ballistic at the thought of just how much _he_ might run off with you again."

The Doctor guessed _he_ was Jack, and Ianto was this supposed boyfriend. "I haven't met Ianto yet, or the girl that Donna was speaking to."

"Gwen. She's the baby of the team, used to be with the police. Then there's Tosh."

"That's it then? Just the five of you?" he asked, relatively surprised that Jack hadn't started something bigger. All up, he was rather happier with the thought of a small group, it made him think that Jack saying that he had changed his chapter of Torchwood had been at least partially right.

"Martha came in to help for a few weeks, took over my role when I died. Took a bit of getting used to. Can't eat, can't drink, and can't fuck. All the pleasures of life gone. And the worst thing is, while I can't feel things with nerves, I still have my emotions to deal with. I flipped out."

Not thinking of flipping out right now would be good, the Doctor thought to himself, because if he took the time out to think of it, he would notice that he was close to it too, if not already there. "Oh," he said in reply, a non-committal answer that could mean nothing or everything.

"I am still scared shitless of closing my eyes because of the darkness. So, I guess its good I also don't really need to sleep, though it would do me some good. I could use the break really, but I'm just not too sure if I will still be _here_ when I next open my eyes. If that made any sense at all."

The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, I got it. It made sense." He didn't know what else to say. Was this conversation supposed to be going somewhere, or was it just Owen needing someone to rant at. And if the dead man didn't watch it, his TARDIS might take offence of his shocking language.

"So! This is where Jack disappeared to that time? Hitch a ride to god knows where?"

"He didn't hitch a ride so much as stowaway on her outside and threw her off course. Poor old girl tried to throw him off, took us right to the end of the universe. Not a good place to be."

The ship in question nudged his mind, and though he did wince he would really need to get used to the feeling again, and let her in this time. He could feel her relief, and smiled. He looked over to Owen. "Close the doors will you, I'm moving her inside."

When the TARDIS asked why she was being moved to a place almost in the same spot just underground, he answered her and he barely had to touch anything at all in her excitement to get down there to see for herself that there was another TARDIS, that the part of herself she had given Jack had taken root and decided to grow into itself. Separate from her. Another of her kind.

As they landed, he laughed. "Or, she'll move herself in the excitement..." He gave her a good rub for that, because it was rare nowadays that something motivated the TARDIS to move somewhere without him.

The last time it happened was when Jenny was created from him.

He quickly shut off that line of thought, before he had to go back to his room again.

Stepping outside, he saw the TARDIS had parked herself in a small area just the right size for her to land, and him and Owen to get out. The link with his mind was let go a bit, so that the TARDIS could have more concentration on helping the little one to get on its figurative feet. Or literal feet if it really wanted them.

It was only then that he realised that she wouldn't move until she was sure that the other one would be fine in itself and would start to grow right. This left him stranded on Earth, for an indeterminate amount of time, with nothing but humans...

He was finding it difficult to breathe and really needed to sit down. He wanted Donna there, because she always seemed able to calm him down.

A hand, smaller than the two men's gently landed on his shoulder and the next thing he knew, he was lying on a couch under Jack's office with a worried looking stranger over him who reminded him shockingly of a girl who lived and died in the 18th century Cardiff. "Gwyneth? But you're dead." he said, mind still groggy enough to believe he was imagining things.

"Oh...you didn't hit your head when you fell, did you?" She felt the back of his head, checking for lumps or blood, before he shook his head no and she stopped.

"I fell? What happened? Last I remember was standing in Jack's office after getting the TARDIS down here..."

"One minute you were in front of me looking at Jack's chair, I touched you to introduce myself, next second you were on the ground. Must have fainted."

A blush slowly and almost painfully made it over his face at the thought. "Oh..." he replied, burying his head to try and hide his face. It didn't work too well, but he felt like he was hiding at least a little of the shame which had once again reared its head.

He had been so excited and more his usual self the past few minutes before his faint, that he had forgotten everything but the rush of getting something done, no matter how small or static it may be. Now he wished he could go back to that forgetful place again and hide there for the rest of his lives.

The problem was he couldn't, and that was enough to make his chest clench. He thought he was about to go into a double coronary, so was surprised when instead he felt tears begin to trickle down his face.

Oh _fuck_! He was going to start crying, and he was in pain and he wanted Donna there to make it go away. Donna could make it go away. She could calm him down from panic, and anger, and everything else he throws at her, surely she could stop this.

Gwen was at his side one minute and gone the next, and he felt so utterly alone without anyone there that fright seemed to seep into his body again. Before he could stop himself he was screaming out for Donna.

"Please! Donna, please, please, where are you? You left me alone! Donna..."

He had literally thought that she had given up on him in the few minutes it took before she raced in, looking all sorry and confused and disoriented. When he saw her he felt relief flood through him, and he fell back against what Jack used for a bed, and tried to stop himself from really crying.

"Doctor! Come on sweetheart, you're not alone. Gwen was just coming to get me. Jack was showing me around the hub."

He was in her arms then, and her hands were rubbing his back and he let himself lean into the touch, any touch to know that the words were true. That he wasn't alone in the room. That Donna was there, his friend, and she could make it all go away... "It hurts. Don't make me remember any more. Stop it...please."

"Doctor, the only one who can stop it is you. Now, you listen to me. You don't have to let yourself break completely Doctor, but you really need to calm down. Just...let some of it out. Cry. If nothing else, it'll make it easier for you to breathe."

Easier to breathe. That's what he needed. Because it felt like a steel ring had been wrapped around his chest and was being squeezed as tight as it could go, with him still being able to live. He hated the thought of people watching, but he knew that Donna was right, and truth be told, with the soothing motions of her hands on his back, he couldn't resist for any longer anyway.

He had enough control over his own actions to be quiet, and no one else had come down so it was just him and Donna. Afterwards, his body went limp with the release he had gotten from it. He hadn't understood the Earth saying of having a good cry until just then, because crying was always used in negative terms, but right then he felt...better. And Donna was right, he could breathe easy again.

So much so that the first thing he did was yawn and close his eyes.

He heard as Donna whispered his name after a few minutes, but didn't want to break his comfortable state by speaking, so ignored her. Then he had felt as she lowered him back down on the couch but he was much too peaceful in his own body to even bother opening his eyes.

He was fully asleep a few minutes later.

He didn't wake up until after six hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It was then that he met the boyfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

For all those wanting to see my Ianto, hope you're not too disappointed with him. He'll be back next chapter, in which the Doctor and they will have a little chat about Jack mainly. And just so that you know, there's a short Doctor/Jack scene in this chapter, with embarrassing moments following it. Also a bit of talk about sex and the Doctor. For those of you who don't really like Doctor/Jack, I really wouldn't worry. If you read it, you'll see why. And if you do like them, by all means, read on anyway! You should enjoy it.

Back to reasonably lengthy chapters too :)

Chapter Four

A man was sitting by the makeshift bed, ankles and arms crossed, and as soon as the stranger noticed he was awake, a strange little smile crossed his face. It wasn't a look of jealousy, more a look of concealed hatred.

The man looked somewhat familiar, but he was sure he had never been introduced to him once in his life, and he would probably have remembered if he had been. He knew without a doubt that this had to be Ianto, Jack's lover, but other than that, there was nothing but a feeling that he had seen that face somewhere before.

Maybe he had passed him on a street or something. It would explain the feeling.

Ianto touched an ear piece. It reminded him disturbingly of the humans from the alternate Earth and Cybermen. "Jack, he's awake."

In seconds, Jack was down there too, smiling at the both of them. "Good to see you awake Doctor. Ianto, you're free to leave."

Ianto didn't like the dismissal very much, the Doctor could see that quite clearly, and for a minute he didn't think that the other man would leave. After a lengthy pause, Ianto sighed slightly, got up out of the chair and left the tiny room.

"I don't think he likes me too much," he stated to Jack, who took the chair now that it was vacant.

"He was at the battle at Canary Wharf, Doctor. He's the only member of my team to have come over from another branch of Torchwood."

Canary Wharf. The thought made him wince. That had been where he had lost Rose to the Alternate Universe. "Oh..." He knew that Ianto would have friends who had died in the battle. It was inevitable to get friendly with at least one person in a building that big.

"His girlfriend was in the middle of being converted when the battle stopped. He lost her sometime last year. We had to kill her. He reminds me a lot of you when it comes to feelings. He hasn't really...dealt with it. So, yeah, I don't think he likes you either."

The Doctor looked away, knowing that he shouldn't really blame himself for it, but doing so anyway. If he hadn't of run into Queen Victoria, had fun while running away from that werewolf, it never would have happened. Rose had always made him careless, and he had loved it dearly. He had felt alive, free and young again when Rose had been with him.

Now he just felt old and bitter and like he should just stay in bed right where he was.

At least then he wouldn't be able to cause any other problems, except for maybe needing the odd bath to stop from stinking the place out. That was if he could find the energy to move in the first place.

He had always been so energetic in this incarnation and now it felt like every ounce of that had disappeared. There was something so...off about it. Hadn't he gotten this out of his system yet? He had cried, he had raged and yet here he was still feeling like utter crap.

"Jack...never mind."

He didn't even know what he was about to say, only that it was supposed to be a confession of some kind. Maybe to apologise about what happened to Ianto or that he had been angry at him for starting this branch of Torchwood in the first place, or maybe for the way he was acting right now...

Jack stared at him for a while, a small frown on his face. "What happened, Doctor?"

He snorted, because it was only a couple of days ago that he had told Donna about what had happened. There! See? He had _talked_, cried and raged and he still wasn't right about it? That...was not what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be able to smile and walk on to the next disaster like he had been doing his entire life since the War.

Too bad about letting your feelings out helping. If anything it was making him worse.

"I got stuck on a bus with a couple of humans that's what. I was alien, they saw me as a threat, tried to throw me out the shuttle. Problem was outside was a poisonous atmosphere made of Extonic light, galvanic radiation. Deadly to the body, but something lived in it.

"Whatever it was got on the bus and possessed a woman, Sky. I was trying to save them, I was, it wasn't doing anything really, and then it all changed and everyone was panicking and then it stole my voice. It had my voice Jack. All I could do was repeat it, and it made me...I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Talking about the end, when they were dragging him towards the door, as him and it screamed in tandem to each other, him slightly behind, would set off another panic. The last thing he wanted was that. He was feeling sick to his stomach again.

"Yeah, I think I got the rest earlier today. Must have been really bad to have affected you like this."

He glared at Jack. "Shut up. I don't want to hear it, alright?"

Jack held up his hands in a passive way. "Okay, okay, I won't say anything on it from now on. Unless you bring it up first."

The Doctor nodded his head. "Good. How's the TARDIS. Es. Two TARDISes. How odd does the plural sound after so long having it a singular."

With a grin, Jack held out his hand. "Get out of my bed and I'll show you. It's not like they do anything but stand still anyway, but hey...you might be able to tell us."

Slowly, feeling like his body was being held down by 10 tonne weights, he managed to drag himself into an upright position, and after a bit onto his feet. He was alright on his feet, thankfully, not dizzy or anything that would cause him to pass out again, but he didn't want to go anywhere. He sighed. "I'm not really in the mood to move, but I would like to know how they are getting along with each other..."

He said it out loud, and it worked. His legs began to move him to the ladder up to Jack's office, into the hub itself. And there, with her door open slightly, was his TARDIS. She let her link touch his briefly, letting him know that she was happy where she was, and that with a bit of time the little one would be alright. It managed to put a small smile on his face.

"The little one will be fine, Jack. Just needs a bit of time."

And when had they started calling the new TARDIS the little one? He shrugged to himself. It didn't really matter. It was thrumming with energy now, happy to have some company to talk to, to communicate with.

He reached out his link to his own TARDIS. It wasn't so much that he was jealous, because he wasn't. It was more that, now that he was able to stand having the link open again, he felt more alone than ever with it not as strong as he was used to.

If anything other than a TARDIS tried to get into his head right now, he'd probably scream loudly and run as fast as he could, not that it would really help much. He'd probably end up going in circles until he threw up the way he was feeling.

The TARDIS hummed to life in his head, and the first thing he felt was her worry. He walked over to her, and patted her outer shell, and she closed the door in response, but didn't stop the contact.

"Don't worry, old girl, we won't leave until you know everything's alright. You probably wouldn't go anywhere anyway, would you?"

She gave him the answer he expected, the telepathic equivalent of shaking ones head very fast in the negative. He grinned, and it came easy to him in that moment, because he knew his TARDIS would do that. Sometimes she acted so...young. Yet again, he did the same thing in this incarnation, and sometimes things like that rubbed off from pilot to ship.

"You're awake. Finally! Dinner's on its way. And you missed out on two meals today mister, don't think I didn't notice you didn't eat breakfast."

And even though he wasn't looking, he knew immediately that Donna was definitely in the room and doing her job of looking after him like a mother hen. Or a big sister. Sometimes it felt good to have someone take care of him, even if it made him feel an odd mix between very young, and extremely old.

"Hello to you too, Donna. By the way, looks like we're stuck here for a bit. Until the TARDIS knows that her little friend is growing properly. Sooo...if you still want to go home, we can go tomorrow. I don't think I'm up for travelling much today anyway. I feel kind of nauseous."

The last thing he needed right then was a train trip. He'd prefer to keep the food that was coming in his stomach. Another panic attack wouldn't make that possible.

She sat down next to him, both of them leaning against the side of the TARDIS and she reached towards him, let him lean on her as well and rubbed his stomach in comforting circles. It helped to calm down the sick feeling a bit.

"And there is nothing at all sexual between the two of you? Yeah right, and I'm a virgin!"

They turned to look at Jack, and the Doctor stuck out his tongue at the same moment Donna rolled her eyes.

"How come it's always this when I'm with you? Mr and Mrs Noble, it is, always. I think they use my last name because you haven't got one for yourself. And there's no way I'd change my name to Smith, thanks much."

The Doctor grinned at her, and even though he knew it was completely mean and not something he'd normally do, he brought the man she had married and had imaginary kids with in the virtual world into it. "No, Mrs McIntire or something like that isn't it?"

She thumped him hard for that, but didn't say anything even though it must have upset her. She probably knew why he had said it. It was a lousy excuse really; he just wanted someone else to feel as bad as he did.

Donna understood him too well to say anything. It was actually rather nice of her. He shifted. "Sorry."

"Yeah, don't mention it," she replied, giving him a small smile at his apology, and rubbing where she had hit him.

Jack looked at them like they were some kind of zoo exhibit. "I still don't see how you couldn't be..."

"Shut it you, or I'll thump you one too."

It made Jack grin. "Ooh feisty! I like. Think Ianto would mind if I borrowed your friend here for a bit?"

"Yes, Ianto would..." came the voice of the man in question as he walked into the room, pizzas in his hand.

Though it was plain to see that Ianto meant it, the light in Jack's eyes as the other man walked into the room made him know that Jack had been kidding. A grin once again made it onto his face at the thought of Jack in love.

"Aww, this is priceless! Now's the time I really wish I had a camera."

Both men turned to look at him, Jack with a small grin of knowing what he was talking about, and Ianto with a small frown.

"What's he talking about?" Ianto asked, turning back to look at Jack.

"Ah, you know. That I love you and not him."

The Doctor smiled. Because everything in everyone's life seemed to be falling into place. Martha had found and gotten engaged to Tom, Jack had Ianto; even he had managed to find Rose, even if she was gone now. Donna must feel rather left out, though there was that whole Lee thing...he thought that she had truly loved Lee.

He'll have to go out finding him for her as soon as they were done here, then everyone would be happy...

He couldn't help it, he felt tears spring into his eyes, and before he could stop himself was crying into Donna's shoulder. "Everyone's happy but me..." he sobbed out hopelessly, in his misery. At the time, he actually believed it.

No one said anything for a while after that, but pizza was eaten once he had calmed down, and Ianto went and made coffee. The Doctor wasn't much of a coffee person in this incarnation, but he drank it anyway because it was hot and warmed him up a bit inside.

After his one slice of pizza and several cups of coffee, he was feeling slightly buzzed, but the loneliness that seemed to have followed him around since...forever weighed heavily on him.

It took him until everyone went home except for Donna and himself to realise that the reason he was so down was probably because he was depressed.

He hadn't moved from his spot against the TARDIS, but Ianto seemed much friendlier now that it was known that he was miserable and didn't want to get in Jack's pants. He'd have to have a chat with the lad about Canary Wharf to try and explain what had happened.

The younger of the two men had gone back to his flat, while Jack was currently lounging in the chair, stroking the TARDIS he had been looking after.

He cleared his throat. "Umm, sorry. Mood swings."

Donna snorted and squeezed his shoulder. She was still sitting beside him, his head resting on one of her arms. "You're not joking there, are you sunshine? You seem to be flying from one to another at the speed of light."

"Feels like the speed of light too..." he mumbled to himself. Shaking his head, he let himself get up and stretch. He needed to pee after so much coffee.

The TARDIS door opened, which was good, because he didn't think of asking Jack about where his bathroom was, and for reasons unknown to him, he was feeling rather drunk. Maybe someone had slipped something into one of the cups he had drunk? Or maybe his brain just wasn't processing like it should. With the way he'd been acting of late, it wouldn't surprise him.

He still felt slightly buzzed when he was back out in the hub. He doubted he would have slept tonight anyway, since he had slept away half the day. Having a bit more of an energy boost wasn't a good thing. What would he do when Donna and Jack went to bed? They were both human after all, and needed a lot more sleep than him. Hell, 6 hours was a long sleep for him, but he supposed after so much stress he had needed it. 3 to 4 was all he required, and he could go without that for a day. He'd been losing too much sleep.

Sure, he had felt like crap when he had woken up, and he still did for that matter, but he knew from personal experience that wasn't going to fade away any time soon. "Got to keep thinking positively. Positivity is the key to not sliding further in. Positivity...nice word," he muttered to himself, as he walked over to the computer system Jack had set up, and it took his interest and perked him up a bit.

Maybe when they were sleeping he could have a little play around on them. No one needed to know...

Except Donna was suddenly at his side and knew immediately what he was thinking. "Ask before you play," she said, before wandering off into the TARDIS for the night. It was only then that he let the guilty thought that he had been keeping her up the past few nights enter his head.

The thought hadn't even occurred to him before. She must be spent.

"Oh, Donna, I'm sorry..." There was no possible way she could have heard him, but it made him feel slightly better to acknowledge it out loud that her looking after him as she had been doing had been bad for her own health.

He needed to snap out of this before he ruined everyone's life around him...

Not that he hadn't done so already...

_Positive thinking! Think positively. That's the key right there. Got to keep on thinking good thoughts not bad ones like those, _he thought wildly to himself, as he sniffed loudly and switched on the screen in front of him to have a little peek.

Soon all his thoughts were centred on the absolutely marvellous set up that Torchwood had here. All alien technology, not surprising, but some of these things were built by human hands and completely new, or at least concepts that would be new to people that live in this time.

"Find anything interesting, snooping around Doctor?" Jack asked, coming up to stand beside him and peeked over his shoulder.

"Oh, you know. Who made some of these gadgets anyway? Fascinating for the period here, truly."

"Tosh. She's got a brilliant mind that girl. And is completely in love with Owen, for reasons unknown to the rest of us.

The Doctor shrugged. "Well, not like anything's going to happen with that now anyway. No blood flow equals no sex. And I know you lot, you always equate relationships with sex. Can't have one without the other."

Jack grinned at him. "Oh we can, and have been known to, like say, Rose and you. But it takes all the fun out of it. Come on Doc, you honestly can look me in the eye and say you've never had sex."

"Oh, I've had sex, had kids...had grandkids even. Not so much fun if it is just for...well, population."

One of Jack's eyebrows was arching up his forehead in not-surprise. "Population? What, you and Rose did have sex? The urge to repopulate the species take over?"

He closed his eyes and let his breath out in a rush. "No, we didn't, not that I had never thought about it mind, because I did, it just...never happened. It was never the right time, or I wasn't in the right mood, or she had her period. No, I meant before. My kids. On Gallifrey, born children were rare. I was forced into marriage young."

"Oh..."

Oh. He had just told something to Jack he hadn't told anyone and all he could say was..."Positive thinking, Jack. Key. Positivity. Can't think it enough right now, because someone always does or says something so damn _stupid_, it just takes me out of any mood that isn't right in the ground bad, and puts me right back there again. Thanks Jack, I really appreciate it."

Jack looked at him with an unknown look in his eyes and sighed. "Sorry. You're having a hard time right now. I just didn't know what else to say. And don't go blaming me for your moods, alright? You're depressed; I can see that, the whole world could probably see that right now, and you're all over the place emotionally because of what happened to you on that little trip of yours."

Sitting down in the seat in front of him, he lowered his head to the desk, below the computer screens and whimpered slightly. "I know, I'm sorry. I can't help it though...I'm driving Donna ragged. I can't help but yell at anyone who even so much as talks to me...Useless, that's me. Useless and stupid and hopeless and I can't do anything right and right now I just wished they had thrown me out of the shuttle."

An arm grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. He looked to the ground, trying his hardest to avoid Jack, but his eyes seemed to almost gravitate towards the other man's, before looking away again as quickly as possible.

"You'll get better, Doc. You will. You did after the Time War, you did after losing Rose. You can do it again. Just...don't give in, don't give up. You've got to want to get better."

He knew Jack was right, and nodded his head slightly. Too bad right now all he wanted to do was lie down on his bed, dig himself under the covers and hope they suffocated him to death in his sleep.

He felt so damn guilty for wanting death. He felt guilty over living. He felt so much that his mind couldn't work out one feeling from another half the time. He was mental. He couldn't go to anyone with this. He'd get sectioned.

And right then he knew with utter clarity that he actually needed someone, _anyone_, to tell him that he was normal. That he wasn't completely mad. He leaned forward a bit, so he was against Jack, and the other man sat down in the seat next to his. It was a bit too far away for him, so he dragged his chair closer.

All he wanted then was normality. Something that he was used to and he was used to Jack's flirting ways, his amorous nature. So, he did the one thing that felt normal in the situation. Running his hand down Jack's jaw, the Doctor climbed out of his own chair and onto his friend's lap, and kissed him, with all the intent in the world to go all the way.

Maybe it was because it was Jack, and sex and Jack went together like bees and honey, or maybe it was the talk they had been having about sex and he was remembering that it had been ages since the last time. It had been before the War, that was for sure, because since then any sexual appetite he had had (not that it had been much of one to begin with, but it had existed) had completely vanished.

Even falling in love with Rose hadn't helped him get that back. And he had tried. He had thought about it constantly, of why he could feel that way about someone and not want sex.

And now he wanted it, wanted _something_.

And Jack was just the one to give it to him.

He reached a hand down to caress Jack through his pants, and the man whose mouth he was currently devouring with his own moaned with need and want and it shot straight to parts of him unused for years. He undid the belt, pulled it loose and flung it away. He inched closer, until he could rub himself against Jack and it felt so _good_.

"Jack...please. I want you," he whispered into the other man's ear, panting for breath, before suckling on the lobe presented next to him. Jack squirmed under him, breath hitching as much as his was, and it was all so...so...

"Doctor...as much as I want this to happen...no. Stop. Now. Please."

...So coming to an end.

His lips froze where they were, he stopped breathing entirely for a few seconds before sucking in a deep gasp of air and sat up straighter so he could see Jack's face. "You...want me to stop? But I thought..."

"I can't do this to Ianto, Doctor. I love him. And as much as I have wanted this...you don't."

There was a pause after that, which the Doctor thought would never be broken, and just to stop it from going any longer he made a sound of frustration, grabbed one of Jack's hands and lowered it to where he was hard and ready and so willing to be touched. "Does this feel like I don't want?!"

Jack shook his head and laughed, but it wasn't out of humour, oh no. He could practically taste the self-recrimination in that little sound. "Doctor, your body's reacting to stimulus. You want something, you don't know what, and we were talking about kids and sex. You latched on to that. You're confused right now."

He pulled himself off of Jack's lap and into the chair he had been sitting in before. He wrapped his arms around his body so hard he figured if he wasn't careful he'd break several ribs. To his ultimate shame, he had already lost what he had been begging Jack to touch seconds ago. He grunted out his reply. "Doesn't matter now anyway..."

He let Jack's hand go back to where it had been before, and his friend frowned. "You didn't...and yet you're... Aww, shit, I'm sorry."

The Doctor shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Like I said, not in the right mood."

Jack looked at him like something had just become crystal clear, and he shifted because it was very uncomfortable, and he let go of Jack, whose hand went to his knee, which was a lot more comfortable. "If I hadn't said no, would you have...you know, actually gone anywhere with it?"

A blush seemed to be making its way across his face. He didn't know whether it was the conversation or how well Jack was taking this in the first place. It felt odd to be blushing now. It had been him who had started what might have been a big mistake. "Yeah. All the way. Don't think it would have lasted long, but yeah, I would have been able to do it."

Jack nodded and squeezed his knee gently, and nothing in the move was sexual in the least and it made him feel more in control of himself. He had no idea why. "You were right to stop me. I'm not thinking straight. I wasn't thinking at all to be honest. I just wanted something...normal."

This time the laughter Jack let out was real, and filled with humour, and the Doctor managed a small smile at his friend.

"Aww, Doctor, how was your snogging me almost senseless normal? Nah, you wanted to be in control. I get that, Doc, I really do."

He tried not to be insulted by that and actually managed, which made his smile widen that little bit more, and he shook his head at Jack. "You seem to know more about how I feel than I do."

Jack shrugged. "Martha came to visit once. We jokingly thought about starting a supporters group for End of the World survivor's. You know, for those that remember what happened on the Valiant. I was tortured for a year Doc. I think I know what trauma can do. I heard Martha and her family are actually seeing a therapist now."

The Doctor nodded. He had been unable to do anything for either Jack or the Jones's on the Valiant, and none of them had told him the details of what had happened. For the most part though, he hadn't really been treated that badly, though some of the things he had learnt had broken his hearts over and over again.

"I feel dirty. Like my mind was...It took me over completely Jack. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak anything but what it did, and the other passengers were dragging me towards the door, ready to throw me out. I had no control over anything, let alone myself. It had me cheering on my own death, having me shout out to throw me out...I gave up Jack, at one stage, I actually gave up hope of getting out."

At that point, Jack hugged him, and he clung on tight, because he needed any kind of contact right then. Good contact, with people he knew and trusted, and there weren't many people that fell into that category right now. Most humans he'd rather just stand right clear of.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. Really I am."

"Yeah," he replied, because he had no idea how to reply to that. He could tell that Jack was truly sorry.

Jack let go of him then, standing and stretching a bit. "Well, it's getting late and I'm kind of ready for bed. So...see you in the morning. You still going to go to Donna's house tomorrow? Cause if you do, I'd like to go with you."

He thought long and hard about that one. And in the end all he gave as a reply was a short nod of his head.

Tomorrow he had a train ride to look forward to.

Fun.

He wondered how long he'd last before needing to get off.

It was going to be a long day.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The Doctor had gone back to his room on the TARDIS, taking a slight detour to check up on Donna. His friend was sleeping so soundly that even when he softly called out her name several times to see if she was faking or not, she didn't so much as twitch.

Donna couldn't do that if she was faking. She'd get pissed at him and tell him to shut his mouth before she smacked it closed. And it wouldn't be an empty threat either, she really would do it.

He hadn't really been planning on sleeping so much as another minute, but somehow his eyes drifted closed and he woke several times after having nightmares of what had happened. After the third time, he had given up on ever sleeping again, broke down into loud, sobbing tears and exhausted himself back to sleep again.

He felt more tired than he had ever been since the War by the time he felt that it was morning outside the TARDIS. He ran a hand through his hair, which made it just stick up at ridiculous angles that were goofier and more bed-hair looking than the fly away, running like a madman, mad scientist vibe he normally gave off. He normally liked his hair, but right now, he hated it.

It made his mood slip from bad to not getting out of bed ever again. He wriggled his way further into his blankets when he noted that Donna was knocking on the door. If he was pretending to sleep, maybe she would go away and leave him to drown in his misery.

"Doctor? Come on, breakfast. Marmalade on toast and a banana. I know how much you like your banana in the morning." That last was said in a teasing tone, which just made him remember the night before and made him sink even further into his blanket.

His door opened, and Donna entered without permission. He would have told her to go away if he wasn't pretending to be asleep. The sound of a tray being put on his bedside table was heard even under the muffling layers he was buried in, and it was followed by the smaller sound of a mug being put down.

"Come on, I know you're not asleep. You move around too much. And you're not moving."

A finger poked at his hip, then his back, then his head. He sighed loudly. "I'm not hungry Donna."

That finger kept on poking him, finding any place that it hadn't been yet, until he squirmed with the invisible feeling of having been struck by something over and over in a few unfortunate places. She never went anywhere near anything private, thankfully, but it was rather annoying. "You missed breakfast yesterday. The only thing you ate all day was a slice of pizza. I don't care where you're from, Martian boy, you get out of that cocoon of yours and eat."

In retaliation, he curled into a smaller ball than he was already in, and suddenly his blankets were ripped away and he found himself pulled up with them and he landed with an unfortunate amount of force on his bum on the floor. "Ow! Fine! I'm up now..."

All Donna had to do was point to the tray on the table, and he got up, rubbing where he was now aching something fierce, and pulled the tray to his lap. He ate a slice of toast, leaving the other, though he did eat the banana to keep Donna happy. She watched him like a hawk through every bite, as if she was waiting for him to sneak off to throw it up. It did make him feel a little better to have food in him, but he'd never admit that out loud. He looked into the mug, and found that it was full of orange juice. Obviously a simple cup was too hard for Donna to find, or too small.

"It'll do you good. Got a train to catch in a few hours, remember?"

And just then, he must have turned an ugly shade of pale or even worse, green, because Donna backed up a few paces and her nose wrinkled. He wasn't sick, though his stomach was definitely upset by the thought of being on public transport. "Umm, Donna...I don't really feel that good."

"I can see that. Come on, you'll be fine. Me and Jack'll be there."

He wringed his hands together in a nervous gesture he had never really had before Midnight. He just needed to do something with his hands, before he tried to pull his hair out again. "Donna, I don't think...I mean...I'm just..." At a loss of words is what he was right now, and it was annoying, because he usually knew just what to say.

"Yeah, I get it. We'll think of something, alright?"

He nodded. It was good he had turned to Donna and told her after it had happened, and the numbness of shock had still been with him, because right now he was finding it hard to tell anyone anything. He had barely been able to tell Jack.

Oh god, Jack. His Jack. The Jack he had jumped last night in some utterly stupid way just to feel something. And he had definitely done _that_.

"I think I kind of felt up Jack last night..." he said to Donna, who snorted and laughed.

"Don't blame you really. The man's gorgeous."

The Doctor looked at her properly then and smiled shortly at her. "He knows it to."

Donna laughed a bit more, before picking up the mug of orange juice, took a sip, before handing it over to him. He felt like making a face and saying something like "Eww, human germs" but didn't, because he knew Donna did it only to get him to know that it was alright. It was then he only remembered that the last time he had drank juice had been on that bloody space truck.

He started shaking, but didn't hyperventilate, which was a nice change. "Umm, you can have it if you want it."

She didn't say anything, just kept holding the mug out towards him, and with a sigh, he grabbed it and drank the contents in a few huge gulps which left him breathless and choking for a different reason to panic.

Donna thumped him hard on the back while chuckling at him, and he felt stupid, but oddly satisfied that at least things with Donna hadn't changed in the least. "I'm sorry. About you losing sleep the past few days."

"Nah, it's alright. At least we both got a good sleep yesterday, yeah?"

"Yeah."

And it had been good. Though his attempts last night had left him feeling like it had been for nothing. He was at least a lot more alert and awake now and his mood had improved quite a bit too which was good, considering he knew he was about to have a shocking day of train rides and Donna's mum.

On the other hand, he got to meet Wilf again, and he liked that man. He was good. Donna got a lot of her fight and attitude from her mother (and the way she was treated by said woman by what he knew of her), but got all her good points from her grandfather.

He hadn't really gotten to meet her dad, which was a shame really. "Sorry about your dad. If you don't mind me asking...how did he die?"

Dona shrugged. "It was sudden and quick. The stress of that Christmas I suppose. He died of a heart attack." The casual way in which she said it but looked down with a frown told the Doctor a bit. The past years had been hard on her, but she had prospered even living with her mum to become the fantastic woman in front of him.

He grinned at her. "You're brilliant, you know that?"

He never got her answer, because Jack was suddenly in there with them, and her eyes lit up. The Doctor sighed and rolled his own skyward, and the TARDIS hummed in humour in the back of his mind.

"Hello, hello and hello, we're catching the 10:25 train to London. Ianto called ahead, booked the first class car for us, so no other passengers to worry about Doc."

Though he tried to hide his relief at not having to deal with anyone other than Donna and Jack, he was still nervous about after that. "And from there?"

"From there we catch the Underground to Chiswick. No avoiding people there though, sorry Doc."

Well, for what it was worth, at least most of the trip would be done in quiet non cramped ways. The thought of catching the Underground though was making his belly twist in painful knots and he lowered his hand to rub gently there to try and ease the sick feeling. "Alright. Think I'll be alright...?"

Jack grinned at him. "Sure. Ianto has packed a bag for you. Polos, water, ooh and the sick bags. I don't want to be covered in vomit if you do throw up."

Hearing Ianto's name really didn't help. The Doctor squirmed, looked to Donna quickly, who was slightly grinning at him for what he had revealed, and he looked back to Jack. "Umm, does Ianto know? You know...about what happened last night?"

Jack stared at him a bit and grinned. "Not yet, but he will. He checks the computers regularly. Either he will find something or Tosh will, either way it's on tape."

Blinking, the Doctor got up and stretched, going over to where his brown suit was waiting for him in the wardrobe. "Don't you think he'll be, you know...a bit upset?"

"What that you jumped me? If he stops watching at that point, I'll have him sit down and watch the rest to prove a point..."

"Ooh can I watch?" asked Donna, who had seemed to perk up at the idea of video footage of him snogging the man in front of them.

He closed his eyes. "I don't care at the moment. Can you two please go so I can get dressed? Or we won't be going anywhere."

He was already steeling his nerves for the trains, and if he didn't go today, he was afraid that he'd be afraid to go anywhere ever again, especially if it was on some form of transportation that happened to not be his TARDIS.

The old girl hummed softly at him, using their link to nudge him towards a sense of calm. He latched on to it, and hoped it would stay with him the entire way.

Would his link with the TARDIS even hold up from the distance they'll be from the other? Sometimes he could barely feel her while inside, other times he could be outside and lost and follow the link back. But it all depended on how the TARDIS felt at the time, and how close they were to each other.

Her song strengthened, and he knew that she would keep it up all the way until they either were together again, or they lost contact.

He was only going to Chiswick. He could be back later the same day if he wanted to be...

He didn't think he'd do that. He'd either sleep at Donna's or go find a hotel room to shack up in for the night. He didn't think his nerves would be able to cope with the added stress of going there and back again. It was barely enough for him to go in the first place.

He would have much preferred going in the TARDIS, but the old girl was busy helping with the little one, and she wouldn't allow him to go anywhere.

He wondered slightly what it would be like if he actually did take up Donna's idea of seeing a therapist. Would the TARDIS take him then? Or would he have to catch trains every single time he had an appointment booked for him.

He shook his head angrily. No. He didn't want to go, he didn't _need_ to go. He was fine, just a little confused as Jack had said last night.

Sighing, he stripped and got into his suit. He buttoned up only one of the buttons, and didn't bother tucking in his shirt, and he didn't bother at all with a tie. What did he care if he looked a mess? He was a mess. People could just put up with it. Stupid humans...

It wasn't until he actually looked in a mirror that he noticed he was wearing the same things that he had worn on Midnight.

His chest went all tight, and he almost ripped off his jacket to get to the shirt under it. Taking it off, he threw it in a corner and glared, panting. Burn it. He would burn that bloody thing, along with the bloody suit he was wearing. He ripped at it, and the sleeve of the jacket tore from the rest of it, and he threw it to the ground.

By the time Jack knocked on the door and came into the room, there was nothing left but a stack of ripped up parts and he was kneeling next to it with his sonic screwdriver, trying to see if he could find a setting that would set fire the pile of rags.

He was naked. He didn't care that he was naked. He just needed to destroy the evidence that he had been so utterly...

Strong hands lifted him up and away from the leftovers of the suit, and he went wild. "Let go of me! Bloody stupid _humans_, get off!" It only made the grip tighten stronger around him, and then he was being dragged towards that door again, outside burning and freezing all at once. He screamed. Loudly. He didn't think he'd ever stop screaming.

He came to himself half lying on Jack, half on the floor, and promptly vomited over the both of them.

"Argh! Thanks for the warning, Doc..."

The Doctor blinked and looked down, and almost vomited more of the stuff back up. He moved from lying on Jack to lying fully on the floor. He didn't want to be touched right then. He just wanted a long hot bath and to forget everything that had happened within the past...20 minutes? Damn, he was out longer that time. He was supposed to be getting better.

On the plus side, at least he wasn't crying like some infant again. He hated crying.

"Oh come on, don't be like that. I can get dressed easily in something else, though I must say we both need a bath right now."

He stayed on his spot on the floor, tasting reprocessed orange and toast. The tangy sharp taste of stomach acid was mixed with it too, and it seemed to have burnt his throat coming back up. Was this normal? He could count on one hand the times he had been physically sick.

"Come on. I'd help you up, but I don't know how you'd react to being touched right now."

Jack, yes, he had forgotten Jack was in there. He looked up and found himself staring at a very naked Jack. He looked down at himself and blushed. He cleared his throat. "Umm, hello. Didn't mean to do that..."

Naked Jack crouched down next to him in a slow and non threatening way. "Hey, no big deal. I wasn't wearing my coat, and I can easily get dressed into something else. Think you can get up? I just ran a bath. Nice and hot."

Sitting up, and feeling a wave of nausea climb its way up his throat, he swallowed heavily and shook his head. "Think I'm going to be sick again..."

He wasn't, but that didn't mean that the feeling had gone away. He let Jack help him up and into the bathroom, with a few quick stops along the way when he felt he was about to lose the rest of his breakfast. Then he was lying in a bath, Jack supporting him from behind so he didn't slip all the way in and drown.

It was one of the most non sexual moments he had ever had with Jack, not even a single tiny little flirt passing between them, and yet they were both naked and in a bath together.

There was something very backwards about that.

He felt like he should be snogging the man senseless again, but he didn't want that. Nice, caring, naked Jack was better than fully clothed, flirting with everything that moves (and some things that didn't) Jack, who would have made lewd comments about this.

"Come on Doc. Up you get."

He had started falling asleep and had been slipping a bit further down into the water, which was now lapping at his chin. "Hmm, this is nice. Nice bath. Relaxing. Don't wanna leave..."

"You'll drown, and we'll miss the train. I know you aren't looking forward to it, but you promised Donna, and if you don't do it today you'll think yourself a coward forever, which by the way is untrue."

"Coward...yeah, that's me..."

Jack sighed and shifted, sitting up straighter, and his body left the water with his, and left him shivering slightly at the sudden change in temperature. "Doctor, anyone, and I mean anyone, would have been scared in that situation. It doesn't make you a coward just because you were afraid."

"I know."

"Then what makes you say that?"

"Oh, I don't know Jack. Maybe because I just shredded my favourite suit in a fit of panic because it was what I was wearing on that planet? Because I'm terrified of the thought of people in crowds? Humans...I've always loved your species, Jack, you know this, but when I see anyone now...it makes me want to run and hide and never come out of the TARDIS."

There was a bit of a pause, which was interrupted by Owen who had once again found his way to his room. They both looked up at the newcomer. "Alright. Should I go get Ianto? Cause I'm sure he'd hit the roof more than he's already doing. Nice tongue by the way Doctor."

Ah. Had everyone watched the video footage of his slip of control? Had Donna gotten her hands on it too? How come he couldn't just get Jack out of the bath, sink under the water and drown until he had no regenerations left.

Now he was back to wanting to die. Brilliant.

He was now missing his suit terribly too, because that was the suit he had worn with Rose. A little piece of her was now gone..."I want my suit back...I didn't mean it, I swear I didn't. Jack..."

Jack's hand squeezed his shoulder gently, before urging him to get up and out of the bath. "I know. I guess I can see about having it fixed, or a new one made."

He stomped his foot and glared hard at the immortal man who was now getting out of the tub after him. "I don't want a new one, I want that one. That's Rose's."

Jack's eyes closed and the Doctor felt his chest clench at what he had just said, and if it wasn't for Owen being there behind him (thankfully with a towel) he was sure he would have fallen down. "Okaaay, I think you need a time out," the Torchwood doctor stated, drying his arms with the towel wrapped around him.

"I don't want a time out, I want Rose! I want my suit. I want to not be a wreck. I want to..." he couldn't finish the rest of the sentence. That way led to madness. Of the kind that he would forever be stuck with and not the kind that would pass.

No more thinking would be good, but his brain, his mind was made for it. He could usually think of several different things all at once, and right now all points were focused entirely on the one thing. Midnight. He was thinking about that continuously. Odd thing is, he's sure there are things about that that he can't remember.

He couldn't remember the speech Professor Hobbs had given about the planet, could only see the way he let everyone around him down because he thought he was smart when he wasn't. He couldn't remember what Dee Dee's smile was like, though she had smiled at him a lot at the start, but remembered her abandoning him to the mob, even though she knew he was innocent.

Jethro, who also believed him, questioned things intently, but had left him and helped at the end to try and throw him out. He couldn't remember why he hadn't wanted to be on board, though he had gotten the answer. Biff, Jethro's father, who had been the funny man. He couldn't remember what species had told him the pool was abstract...but he remembered hands on him, and an angry voice asking if he thought he wasn't man enough to throw someone out.

Then there had been Val, oh Val, who he remembered vividly denying everything that happened to him, trying to erase her guilt. And may she be full of it, because if it wasn't for her the Doctor doubted things would have gotten as bad as they did. She was the one that made Jethro cave under pressure and turn against him, she was the one who had led the mob. She was the one he couldn't remember any good points at all about, because everything was washed under the bad.

The hostess whose name they had never learnt he remembered flying out into the poisoned atmosphere of the planet, saving him, even though it had been her suggestion in the first place to throw Sky out to save the rest of the passengers. She had been right. He remembered her being baffled about his little sayings, those of which ultimately saved his life, but couldn't remember why she was so upset...

And then there was Sky. Sky he remembered everything about. Their whole conversation and everything after the attack on his mind. He had felt what she had as it had taken him over, he remembered her saying that it was her first time alone after a messy breakup with her partner, he remembered musing over chicken and beef chunks, which were both at the same time.

He remembered lying to her. He remembered connecting to her in a way he hadn't with the other passengers, he remembered how lonely they both were. He remembered telling her about Donna who hadn't wanted to go on the tour.

He remembered them screaming as the thing inside was being held at the door, not wanting to go back out in the dark and cold and the loneliness. It was so bleak out there, and if he concentrated hard, really really hard, he could get flashes of other images. A glimpse of diamonds sparkling outside and him smiling, excited at the sight. A black lad and another man, who he could barely remember at all and half the time thought he was imagining,

A little smirk Sky had thrown him when he had disabled the entertainment system, which had sent the hostess into a flurry of sorry's...

He blinked, and frowned. He was lying against Owen, the towel wrapped around his waist, Jack frowning down at him, dressed and dry in some of the spare clothes the Captain had left on board. He cleared his throat. "Umm, Jack, I have no recollection of anything that has happened in the past 5 minutes..."

Owen sniggered and he could feel it as well as hear it. "Believe us, there wasn't anything you missed. Jack got changed, I put the towel around you and got you dry, and that's about it. You were...somewhere else. Flashback?"

He frowned and tried to remember. No, he would have remembered a flashback, the last two he had had, he remembered having. "No, just...I guess I must have just zoned out. Lost track of everything around me. Wow that's weird. Jack, I lost track of time." He giggled at the thought, because while he was notoriously late, or early, he had never actually lost track of it like this. Even after one of the flashbacks, he remembered that he had been doing something during that time, even if it was flailing about on the floor worrying everyone.

Beside Jack, neatly waiting for him, were two suits. One of his spare brown ones, and a blue one. He decided that he may as well wear the blue again, just in case he ruined another perfectly good brown set of clothes. He reached out, grabbed the blue and hurriedly pulled it on. He could feel the minutes just ticking by fine now, and it was getting close to the time they had to leave.

He just hoped Donna wouldn't force him to eat or drink anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks to Kate Maxwell for the help with the trains :)

Chapter Six

The first thing that happened when he exited the TARDIS was get a fist in the face.

Ianto stormed off out of the office, heading for a big round door, which the Doctor guessed led out of the hub. He rubbed his jaw softly, to try and stop the aching he was beginning to feel. Thankfully, if he bruised it should be gone by the time they reach London. He healed a lot faster than a human would.

He started to move towards the door, not in retaliation, he couldn't be angry at Ianto for wanting to hit him like that, but to talk to him. Because he needed the other man to try and understand. Understand what he had done with Jack and why, even though he didn't understand it properly himself. Understand that he knew what it had been like to be at Canary Wharf because he too had lost someone he had cared about in the battle. Understand that he was really sorry for any losses he might have caused.

That's all he seemed to say in this incarnation. He was amazed that the words 'I'm sorry' still meant anything when they were uttered by him, he said it so often.

A hand fell on his shoulder and he jumped as he hadn't really expected it, and looked behind him to see Jack smiling that smile of his that simultaneously said 'leave it' and 'that could have gone better'. Sighing, he shrugged out of Jack's grip, but took the silent cue to leave Ianto alone.

"I'll talk to Toshiko, have her get Ianto to watch the whole scene. Maybe it'll calm him down a bit. You can talk to him all you want _after _we're back."

Oh yes, trains. They were running out of time now, and would have to hurry. Jack jogged to a woman who looked very familiar to him, but he was too worried to figure it out in his head right away. He was being ushered towards the lift when it hit him, and he let out a joyous whoop of realisation. "Hah! I knew I had seen her before. Your Tosh, she was a medical examiner working on the space pig in 2005, after it hit Big Ben! I didn't know she wasn't a doctor."

Jack grinned. "Probably the reason why she doesn't know you. You've regenerated since then."

"Yeah, I forgot about that. I'd only been with Rose for, oh, three days. I was a wreck. Not that I'm not now. I mean, the War..."

Donna leaned into his side from where she was standing to his right on the lift and smiled. "Yeah, we get it. Must have hurt like hell to lose her."

Sighing he nodded. "She kept me as sane as I was, am. A little bit confused on that point right now. She made me a better person."

Jack crept closer to him on his left and copied Donna's movements, so he felt like he was being protected by an outer shell of human friends. It was more comforting than he ever thought it would be, and they stayed together, wrapped arm in arm in arm until they reached the train station.

The shaking started up again and he clung on tightly to Donna, as Jack went off to get the tickets Ianto had booked for them. She kept on petting his head as if to quiet him down, and he didn't notice he was making noises until she told him to be quiet because he was attracting attention.

"Come on Doctor, soon we'll be in the train, and we'll have a carriage all to ourselves Jack said. Sorted it out before we got here remember? You can freak out all you want then, alright?"

He nodded, because right then his throat was so tight with anxiety he could barely breathe. His hearts were thudding painfully in his chest, and every now and then one seemed to skip a beat and work double pace to catch up to the other.

He needed to calm down before he had a heart attack. And right then, if one went the other would follow soon after. "Oh god, Donna." He clung on tighter, until he felt her moving them slowly somewhere other than the spot they had been standing near the platform, away from the awaiting train.

She sat on a bench facing away from the offending vehicle, laid his head on her shoulder and he spent a few minutes concentrating on easing his breathing down a bit. Well, at least he wasn't doing anything crazy this time around, and the panic was easing off a bit already.

Jack found them like that a few seconds after he had calmed down as much as he was going to get, and they had to practically drag him to the train. Public transport. He never wanted to take public transport again. It was making him feel sick with fear.

The dragging him really hadn't helped. He had started struggling, and when they remembered his story, they stopped, trapped somewhere between being on and off, and let him take his own time getting on. He managed it too.

He had stepped onto the train, and stood awkwardly at the door leading into their carriage which had been designated to them. He hoped it was, or else he would die. He couldn't do this. He needed off, _now_!

It was a good thing he spotted the toilets, because as soon as the thought of getting off crossed his mind, the train rolled forwards, beginning its journey and he found himself with his head over the train toilet vomiting up what little of the breakfast he had left in his stomach.

He hadn't closed the door, and hands were rubbing gently at his back and he let them, because he knew it was Donna. Donna was one person he could definitely trust. She wasn't acting like he was going crazy, wasn't acting differently at all other than telling him about the therapist idea. She didn't even seem upset that after he had told her he would go, he didn't.

Either that or she was biding her time for the right moment to...no, Donna wouldn't hurt him like that. If she was waiting for anything it was for him to say he did need to go. But he didn't, so she'd be waiting for a long time.

Yes, a very long time. She'd be dead of old age and buried before he admitted to needing help.

"Feel better? Maybe making you breakfast this morning wasn't such a good idea, but it's better to throw something up then dry heave. That hurts."

He lifted his head away from the small metal bowl and glared as best he could at her, reaching up to press the button to flush the toilet. "Well, I feel like my stomach has been through a blender as it is, my throat is sore, and my mouth tastes like regurgitated orange juice mixed with stomach acid, but thanks for asking..."

She raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed. "A drink of water and something to get rid of this taste would be appreciated. And yeah, I feel a bit better."

Nodding, Donna smiled as she produced a bottle of water. "Here. Rinse, spit and then drink." He did as he was told.

He was given a roll of mints afterwards, which helped with the taste and nausea a bit. Spearmint. He liked spearmint. He had spearmint flavoured toothpaste. Venusian even. Best kind there was. He was helped up and even though it felt odd being able to walk on his own yet being supported on one side, he felt grateful for the touch, because without it he didn't know what he would do.

Donna didn't leave his side even when Jack sat in the chair across from him, grinning at him in a cheery way. "Look, you can see out the windows. Window seats sometimes help with nerves, especially since you can crack open the window a bit for some fresh air." Jack did just this on his window, opening it a crack at the top. The Doctor jumped, afraid for an irrational second that he would be sucked out, until he looked outside and saw the Welsh landscape flashing by.

He could see outside. No need for massive security measures against Extonic sunlight that would kill otherwise. This was good. It grounded him to Earth, and that he was safe.

He let himself relax, not letting his gaze leave the window, while he laid his head on Donna's shoulder and shifted closer to her. "Alright. I may have slightly overreacted for a bit. Sorry." He stuffed another mint in his mouth, letting it melt slowly on his tongue instead of biting into it for extra flavour like he had the first.

Donna gave him a one handed hug, and he leaned into the touch, not once letting his gaze drift from the outside world flashing past. His legs were lifted up, as Jack took the seat he was in and lowered again, so he was sitting on Jack's lap and leaning against Donna, and he found it to be a little more than comforting. It was relaxing and nice and the rocking and noise of the vehicle around him made him go into a light trance.

It was a little under two hours later when someone nudged him lightly in the side, and he snorted loudly as he woke up that he realised that he had been lulled off to sleep. "Wha...?" he mumbled, trying to figure out where he was, why they seemed to be moving, and why it was he had been asleep in the first place.

"Trains aren't so bad after all, are they Doctor," replied a voice from above him. He turned on his back to look up and his vision was stopped from seeing clearly whose face it was by a pair of very familiar looking breasts. Ah, yes, Donna.

"Trains...?" he asked, before remembering how he had come to be on the vehicle he was. Ah. "Er...no, I guess not. I freaked out. Not so bad. Nice actually with the slight rocking and noise. Must have made me tired."

He stretched, finding one of his knees was on the table edge, and his hand that wasn't rubbing at his eyes rested itself on Donna's chest. It took him a few seconds to realise why she was shrieking blue murder in his ear, while Jack laughed next to him. He moved so fast, managed to miss the table but for his legs and one elbow and fell to the floor.

"Sorry! Ow! Ooops, sorry. Didn't mean it." He blushed bright red at the thought of what Jack might be thinking, and of what Donna must be wondering.

But he hadn't meant to do it. He had just been stretching out after being cramped for so long. He was too tall to be comfortable in that kind of position for too long. It wasn't intentional his hand had rested back down there.

Donna glared at him, muttering something about all men being alike under her breath, before she got up from the seat and begun walking angrily towards the doors out of their carriage.

The Doctor turned to Jack and the confusion on his face must have showed well enough, because Jack took one look at his face and went off into another amused peal of laughter.

"Aww, the look on your face, Doc. Really, you can't be surprised that she's pissed at you copping a feel of that."

He shook his head. "Honestly Jack, it was an accident. I never meant to do that."

Jack sniggered for a few more seconds, shaking his head in disbelief before getting out of the seat he was in too. "Come on, train's almost at the station now. Only roughly...1 hour left to go before we reach our destination."

Luckily he was still feeling better from having a bit of a sleep, throwing up the contents of his stomach and seeing that there wasn't anything inherently scary with being on a train. Or else he would have had another little fit.

He had no trouble at all stepping off the train as he had going on, thankfully, and he wasn't even panicky about the other people on the station. He looked about him, spotted that they were at Paddington station and smiled. He had his first real trip by train today.

New experiences, they were good, well, almost always good.

As they changed stations from above ground to underground and had the right line, he started to really feel uneasy. Because this was not a friendly place to be for him. People were everywhere, it was dark, and he gripped tightly with his hands to Jack and Donna, as the roar of a train just missed was heard.

He'd have to suffer through this wait twice too.

A wait that turned out to be 10 minutes long.

The rush of people getting off was almost as bad as the rush of people getting on, and he was caught between Jack and Donna and found himself almost automatically stepping onto the crowded train, moving so he could at least see out of a window like he had for the other train.

It didn't help, not this time, because it was dark and he was standing up, and it was smelly and hot and cramped and just a little bit too dirty for his tastes.

If this is what the Underground was like at lunchtime on a work day, he'd hate to be here now on a weekend.

He felt faint, and he was about to tell his two friends at his side that he was beginning to feel slightly nauseous again, when they reached Earls Court, and they were out and away from that train, once again changing lines to catch the right one.

They just missed one train, and had to wait another 10 minutes for the next one. He was beginning to really hate these stupid, infernal contraptions.

He paused before entering this one, being pushed in by a stranger when he was being too slow. He couldn't help it. The anxiety over trains had faded with that first one when he had found out that they weren't all bad, but the last one made him change his opinion again.

And now there were more people. Lunch was an hour break he thought, but here were people either on their way to afternoon business meetings, home after a half-work day, or just out with the kids.

It was noisy and crowded and he wasn't sure he could stand this for 10 minutes...

In the end he didn't. Five minutes in his hearing went on him, a minute after that he sagged in the grip of his friends in a faint.

He didn't wake up until the train had reached their destination of Chiswick Park, and they were out in fresh air again. Jack had carried him out. If he didn't feel so bad, he would have been embarrassed.

Donna ended up calling her mum to pick them up, because he didn't think he'd be able to handle the walk on his legs. He felt like his body was made of jelly, and he was still, five minutes later and now in a car, shaky on his feet.

Sylvia was not impressed with going out of her way just because he wasn't fit enough for a little walk. He wasn't impressed by her driving skills, so they were even on that front.

The drive was done in silence, his head resting on Jack's shoulder, giving Sylvia the impression that they were gay. Another thing the woman wasn't too thrilled with. Too bad, with Jack around you got used to the people he flirted with...which happened to be everyone he has met, with the exception of the woman in front of them.

Maybe Donna had warned him in advance, while he was sleeping. It was the only thing he could think of.

They piled out of the car at the Noble house. The Doctor was disappointed that Wilf wasn't out there waiting for them.

"Right, that's it. Madam, if you want any lunch, you can make it yourself," Sylvia announced, before walking down some stairs into what he guessed was a basement laundry room. He almost followed out of plain curiosity, before he remembered that it would be rude of him, and he didn't want to get on Donna's mum's bad side. And there seemed to be a lot more of that than good.

Waving him and Jack into the kitchen and pointing out the seats at the table, she went about making them sandwiches. For once he seemed to be hungry, but that probably had something to do with throwing up his last meal.

"What do you want?" Donna asked, looking towards the two of them. Jack looked pointedly down and grinned. Donna went over and smacked him, but ruffled his hair afterwards, while laughing.

Brilliant, just like everyone else, Donna seemed really attracted to Jack. He should find something to hide those pheromones of his to stop things like this from happening. Yet again, it was rather entertaining, and he didn't mind the lewd jokes and flirtations sent his way. Kind of liked them actually. It made him feel wanted.

In the end they had peanut butter. He had said marmalade, but Donna refused, saying it was a breakfast food only. He didn't worry too much about it, and ate what was given to him. He even had seconds.

Sylvia showed herself again with a load of laundry to be put on the line, stating clearly that they should clean up themselves and not leave the kitchen in a mess. Donna had already been in the middle of doing it already.

The Doctor frowned and shook his head. Donna had gotten her fire and self-esteem issues from living with this woman most of her life. He couldn't blame her for trying not to get into trouble with her, especially with him around.

He had specifically asked if there was any way she could get her mum to shut up. Seemed she was doing it.

Meek Donna was not his Donna.

"Is it always like this? I mean, you and your family?" he asked, not quite able to look Donna in the eye as he said it.

She shrugged and shook her head. "Nah, not always. Just the majority of the time. And it's gotten worse since dad died. But now granddad has moved in and is keeping things about as right as they can get."

The Doctor smiled at that. "Good old Wilf! Where is he anyhow? Thought he'd be outside waiting for us to arrive. Think I should give him a look in the TARDIS before we go again? I'm sure he'd love it."

Donna laughed and shook her head. "Love it is a bit of an understatement. He's been mad about anything to do with space and the stars and aliens since the ship that crashed into Big Ben happened. He's been a firm believer ever since. Where he is now though, I'd say gone into town to buy something edible."

"The food looks edible enough," Jack stated, proving the point by grabbing an apple and biting into it. "Mmm, good in fact. Fresh."

Rolling her eyes, Donna chucked him a banana and grabbed herself an orange. He munched on the fruit happily and thought that despite the nightmare ride through the Underground, today would be a good day.

Even when Sylvia came back inside, now finished with her chores instead of having to stop what she was doing to go after them seemed in a better mood, easily falling into the routine of entertaining guests by showing them around the house and whipping out a deck of cards.

Before too long they were all stuck in a loud, brash and very fun game of poker. Thankfully, and to Jack's disappointment, the clothing they had on stayed on.

It was their 6th round, and the Doctor was feeling rather hopeful about his hand. He had a full house, which was likely to get him to win a game, since so far he was the only one who hadn't. He was finding it difficult to think clearly with the noise going on and his thoughts all over the place, but he knew he had a reasonably good hand that could get him to win this round.

"Straight flush guys, read 'em and weep!" Jack stated quite loudly, laying his flush down on the table, and grinning from ear to ear.

The hope he had vanished and was instantly taken over by anger. Slamming his fists down, he rose and turned to glare at Jack. "You cheat. You all cheat. I hate you! All of you. The entire human race can go and burn before I raise a hand to save you anymore. I thought you were friends!"

His hands were clenched so tightly in fists he could feel blood begin to form in the patterns left by his nails. He didn't care. Jack looked up at him, calm as ever and shook his head. "I didn't cheat Doctor. And we are your friends. Me and Donna."

He didn't believe it in that moment. Couldn't believe it. Growling, he moved the chair out of the way, and stormed off outside so he had something solid to hit. Because he didn't want to hurt Jack, or Donna, or even Sylvia. He just...

The house was brick in places. He wondered what the neighbours were thinking as he shouted out in his home language just how he felt, and bloodying up his hands at the same time.

It was a good thing he healed quickly. Brick was a lot harder to hit than he had first expected, and his hands were scraped, cut, bruised, and if he wasn't mistaken, several of his fingers were broken. "Ow..." he said to no one after he was calm and thinking straight again.

He was disappointed to find that Donna hadn't come out to help him stop. Because she was very good at stopping him from doing things that meant he got himself hurt, or dead, or someone else hurt or dead.

Maybe she hadn't come out because she was upset, or even afraid of him. Oh god...what had he said to Jack?! He couldn't remember, but he knew it hadn't been nice, and definitely not friendly.

Now he had the shakes again, and he sat down on a patio chair before he fell to the ground. He raised one bloody hand to his face to cover his mouth. What had he said? And what would make them not come out here to stop him?

"What did I say? What did I do?" he asked himself quietly, before letting his head rest lightly against the table out in the backyard, letting the cool of the metal it was made out of seep into his skin.

Stress. The stress of the trains must have caught up to him or something, because he had been absolutely fine two seconds before he had lost it.

He should really go in and apologise, but he couldn't face the looks he may be given. Fear, loathing, hate. He couldn't stand the thought that he had turned two of his friends, Donna especially, away from him with some stupid words he couldn't even remember saying.

The sun was setting before he heard someone pushing open the door into the backyard, and he didn't look up to see who it was. He was hoping it would be Jack or Donna, so it was with surprise that he heard Wilf's voice instead. Home from wherever it was that he had been.

"Look at your hands. A right mess they are. Come on, get up and come inside. We'll clean them off a bit."

The Doctor shook his head, perhaps a little too fast at the disappointed look he was given from the old man. "I don't want to go inside. They'll heal by tomorrow anyway. I heal faster than a human would."

"Doesn't mean they can't get infected. And don't think I don't know what happened, all storming off as you did. I heard it from my Sylvia. No one's mad at you."

The silent 'any more' was hanging in the air, and he wondered if it was all three, or just the people he had called friend that had been angry with him. "I didn't mean what I said. Any of it, I really didn't mean it. I can't even...I don't know what happened."

Wilf looked at him for a while, in that long and hard way that meant someone was seeing something that you were trying to hide but were failing miserably at doing so. "You got angry. Everyone gets angry. Say things they don't mean."

"I don't know what set it off though! I have no idea what the hell went wrong. One second I was playing cards and was happy doing so and the next I went flying right off the wall. What if I do it again? What if I hurt someone?"

Wilf's hand landed on top of his and he winced as pain made itself known. "You already did hurt someone. Now come on, get up and inside."

Sighing long and hard, he let himself be led inside the house once again and towards the kitchen tap. Warm water and an antiseptic were used to clean his hands and he winced and made noises indicating he was pained by the actions. It made him see the damage he had done to them. There were abrasions everywhere, some deeper cuts, from where pieces of brick had chipped off. His guess at broken fingers was also correct, the middle finger and thumb on each hand. The rest were just bruised.

They went with his eye which was still slightly swollen and black from when Ianto hit him that morning. He had forgotten that until just then. And they stung. Everything stung, and he didn't know what hurt worse, his actual injuries or his hearts and mind.

He should be healing already. Why the hell wasn't his body working like it was supposed to?

He snorted and shook his head. "Donna was right."

Wilf looked at him, confusion in his eyes. The Doctor let out his breath in a slow steady stream. "I can't keep on doing this. It isn't fair. To anyone. And I don't know why I'm doing it and it is beginning to frighten me. Donna kind of suggested to me that maybe I should...you know, speak to a therapist. About what happened. She was right. I can't do this alone. I need the help."

He got a smile and a pat on the shoulder. "Yeah, that's my Donna. Always getting to the heart of things. And there's nothing wrong with asking or accepting help. Donna did after her father died, did she tell you?"

He nodded. "Yeah, she told me."

"Oh how that girl whined when she first started, but it helped her in the end. And now look at her, travelling the stars!"

The Doctor managed to smile after that one. "That reminds me...how'd you like a look inside my ship sometime? I'll tell you now that it's bigger on the inside. Much bigger on the inside."

And he knew he had said the right thing, even if it was a way of changing the subject away from himself. "The little blue box. It better be bigger on the inside, with Donna running about in it. Else there'd be trouble."

A laugh came easily to him at that, and he felt himself relax. "Oh yeah. And I'd be the one in trouble no doubt."

"She's a good girl, my Donna though, Doctor. You take good care of her for me."

He smiled again. "She takes care of me. And she is good."

He didn't notice her listening in, or Jack by her side. If he did, he would have been relieved to see them smiling.

He'd make a call to Martha tomorrow, if for no other reason than to catch up.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The Doctor didn't eat dinner that night. It wasn't necessarily that he wasn't hungry as far as she knew, it was more that he couldn't hold a piece of cutlery (or much of anything) properly.

Donna hadn't really known he had broken fingers until her granddad began splinting them to stop them from getting worse. His thumbs were also out of commission. She knew he healed fast, the bruise on his eye from where Ianto had hit him had almost faded completely now, so she wasn't too worried about it.

She was, however, worried that he might leave sometime during the middle of the night, since he was completely sure that she wasn't friends with him anymore. And Jack, Jack was trying his best to get a conversation going, but was failing horribly at it.

They were all in her room now, the Doctor lying on the side of her bed closest to the wall, back facing them, and every now and then a huge sigh would be heard from him. Jack was in the chair by her desk, and she was sitting on the side of her bed closest to her lamp, the book she was in the middle of reading unopened on her lap.

She couldn't stop her eyes from wandering to the Doctor's back.

Well, she had at least heard the conversation from earlier and was happy that he was admitting he needed help now, but why didn't he feel like he could talk to her anymore?

"Well, fine. I'm out guys. I'm reduced to sleeping on a couch I hear. Night Doctor, Donna."

She turned to look at the man retreating from the room and sighed herself. "Night Jack."

The Doctor didn't say anything, but neither of them was really expecting him to.

In his defence, he had been having a bad day. First with the trains, then with the anger. If she was him, she didn't know how she'd be acting. For one thing, she didn't think she would have left the room. She would have taken her anger out on the people around her, because that's what she was used to doing, and by the mess his hands were in, he had gotten to the point where he had to physically release his anger, and not just yell.

Sighing and even though it was still early that night, she turned off her light and turned to face his back. Creeping closer, not knowing how he'd react to being touched, she let her hand gently rest between his shoulder blades and left it there. Apart from tensing up, he didn't shrug out of her grip, so she gently began rubbing in relaxing circles.

"You know I'm still your friend right? I'm not going to leave you, Doctor."

There was silence for a bit, before he shifted slightly and finally, after she had announced her presence to him again after he had fled the house, talked to her. "I don't know what I said. I could say something, not mean it and drive you away forever. I don't know what I'd do without you, but..."

"You afraid?" she asked, because she wanted to hear him say it, even though she knew already that he was. He can't be alone. He was lonely enough as it was, and he had lost Rose and wasn't likely to get her back. Well, she wasn't going to leave. She was going to stay with him forever. Well, her forever anyway, she knew she wouldn't live as long as he or Jack would.

"Yeah. I'm calling Martha tomorrow."

She nodded and rubbed at his back a bit more. She didn't know whether or not to believe him. He had said a similar thing to her once before, the night of the attack on that bus. It was now almost a whole week passed and he had yet to do it.

"Want me to make sure you actually do?" she asked, stopping the movements of her hand as she felt him stiffen under her touch again. After a bit he let himself calm down and he sighed again, a deep mournful sound.

"Yeah. Maybe it would be a good idea if you did..."

She smiled. Yeah. She could do it. She'd even go in with him if he needed someone there for support, though she had a bit of an aversion to therapists herself after she stopped seeing the one after her dad died. The point was, he wasn't chucking a fit because she had brought it up.

Maybe he was really ready for it. Today must have scared him a lot more than she had first thought, if he had actually decided voluntarily that, yes, he needed help.

They fell into silence, all the time Donna rubbing at his back, until she heard the change in his breathing that indicated that he had fallen asleep.

He was doing that an awful lot lately, sleeping. He didn't need as much as she did, but it seemed he couldn't get enough. And the poor man was having terrible nightmares too. Maybe that was why he was sleeping so much. He wasn't getting any actual rest.

She had almost fallen asleep herself when he mumbled something in his sleep, turned over and cuddled up to her side. Her eyes popped open and she looked at the top of his head, which was laying somewhere he shouldn't by rights touch in a friendly matter. But he had quieted after he squirmed around a bit to get comfortable, sighed and then he seemed to sink into a deeper sleep.

She decided just for this night that he could stay where he was. If he was sleeping soundly, then she didn't want to wake him.

Maybe the sound of a heartbeat near his ears helped calm him down?

Either way, she was asleep before he moved again.

She woke up to find him still asleep, with the sun now beginning to shine through the cracks in her blind, one of his legs flung over hers, one of his arms around her waist, but his head lying comfortably on the pillow.

Oh god, she was his substitute pillow. How could she have forgotten he'd been sleeping with one of those hugged close to him since that damned planet? She should have given him one before he fell asleep, instead of just the ones to rest their heads on.

Her musings were cut short when he rolled over and yawned loudly. He then went about burying his head in the pillow and when that failed to get him back to sleep he turned to look at her. She recognised that look. He was being overly shy about this.

"Morning Sunshine! Speaking of, sun's up. You slept all night."

He blinked, looked to her window and blinked again. "I did? Oh. Suppose that's good then. Needed that. A bit. Sort of. Probably fell into a light healing sleep to help with my hands."

He held them up, and wiggled his thumbs. His fingers were still splinted, but he could probably use them too. She pointed to them. "Want those off?"

"The splints yes. I like my fingers where they are though, thanks."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I'm talking of the splints, you dunce. What is it with you thinking I'm going to rip parts off of you? That better be an alien thing."

He grinned at her, and it was the normal cheeky grin that means he's been up to some form of mischief and she knew he hadn't meant it really. He'd been joking around. She punched him lightly on the arm, but smiled back.

How could she not? He was acting so normal right now.

She wondered how long it would last.

His fingers were held out in front of him, and she went about freeing them from each other so they were free to move about. She remembered when she had broken a finger in school once. How annoying it was to have one finger tied to another to keep it from moving.

The look of relieved delight in his eyes made her smirk. "God, sometimes the smallest things can get you excited. Well, at least you'll be able to eat now. Proper breakfast today if I know my mum. And believe me I do."

A green tinge made it over his face, but he managed to shrug it off and nod. "Cooking...don't know how much I'll be able to eat, though I am a bit hungry. Bad experience with breakfast yesterday...I think I managed to lose all of it."

"You'll eat. And you didn't have dinner last night. You haven't been eating right since we got to Torchwood."

She watched as the Doctor grimaced in distaste. "Yeah. I haven't really been that hungry, and even when I am, I can't eat too much without feeling sick."

Seeing him slip out of the good mood he had woken in was rather depressing, and in an effort to perk him back up again, she smiled and dragged him into a hug. "Well, if you don't want any of what mum cooks, you can always have a slice of toast. Or cereal."

That last seemed to lift his mood a bit. "Cereal? Ooh, haven't had any of that in...ages. Hah! Fruit loops, and cocoa puffs, I liked them. Got them?"

"Nah, just muesli, a few kinds of different porridges, and corn flakes."

He blinked. "Porridge and muesli are classed as cereals? Or is it just that you eat them from a bowl?"

Shrugging, Donna let him go. "Dunno. I just go for the corn flakes." Getting out of bed, she grabbed some clean clothes from her dresser and frowned. "Did Jack pack for you? Cause I didn't. And I doubt mum'd be too happy with you wearing the same suit, which by the way, you also slept in, today."

She waited for his answer, but only got a blank look and a shrug. Rolling her eyes, Donna left him alone in her room and went to the bathroom. After a shower, she found she was ready to face the day and hopefully whatever it would bring.

Funny, she could fight off aliens, run a hell of a lot faster than she used to be able to, and could name planets most people hadn't even heard of, but she was getting a bit worried about what kind of moods the Doctor would swing blindly into.

Donna was immensely grateful that he had actually admitted that he wasn't exactly able to cope with this on his own. And that reminded her...she had to tell him to call Martha sometime today, so he would.

He wasn't in her room when she got back in there, but she did hear Jack greeting him quite loudly a good morning, and sniggered at the thought of the Captain rummaging through the bag for a suit the Doctor could wear.

By the time, she was downstairs, she saw that a brown suit was in hand and the Doctor was retreating to the bathroom to shower and change. Jack was picking out his own shirt and a pair of black jeans, throwing a mint in his mouth while doing so.

The shower turned on, and Donna let herself relax. "He seems better today. He didn't wake up in a terrible mood, and he slept all night."

Jack nodded and smiled at her. "Yeah. Fingers are healed too I spotted. Must have gotten some proper rest for once."

"He used me as a pillow."

She hadn't meant it as a joke, or in a funny way, but Jack laughed and winked at her. "You sure you didn't tire him out before he went to sleep?"

Slapping him on the arm, Donna frowned. "We aren't having sex. We're just friends. We'll always be just friends. How come everyone always assumes we're a couple? Or married. Doctor Noble indeed."

Jack grinned even wider. "Married?"

Before she could do any real bodily harm, the shower turned off and she shut her mouth and lowered her arm. Best not let the Doctor see them fighting. It might upset him. That was not something she wanted to do, since it took a lot to get his mood up.

She sat on the couch next to Jack, hearing her mum in the kitchen muttering to herself about ungrateful children using up all the hot water. Donna couldn't help but laugh as silently as possible at that, because she knew that the Doctor was the oldest being in the house, Jack second and then her gramps.

Being friends with someone almost 1000 years old and another one who will live practically forever, there's no way you can call them children no matter how young they may look.

And speaking of...the Doctor walked in, dressed in his brown suit, drying his hair with a towel. He spotted her and Jack on the couch, smiled and let himself sit down beside her. "Hello. Again."

"Breakfast's being made," she said, as her second greeting that morning, throwing her head to one side, in the direction of the kitchen, where the smells of cooking bacon was coming from. The radio had been turned on, and they listened to her mum, as she sang out of key to some new pop song she hadn't heard.

She'd been too busy running around the universe to bother even knowing what songs were 'in' now. Didn't matter now, what she did was better than sitting at a desk day in, day out, occasionally in a place that allows music.

She wondered vaguely if there were any jobs apart from Torchwood where Defender of the Universe could be used to get into a job, if written on a resume. Ooh, there was always UNIT. That's where Martha had gone.

Still, she'd prefer to stick with the Doctor, keeping him from too much trouble. She was apparently good at it, though god knew why. For a genius, the Doctor could sure be thick.

How boring had her life been before the Doctor? And the awful thing was, she had never complained about it. She'd just gone on and lived her life like a good little human drone. Out of work, she was stuck on the dole and living with her mother. With a job, she managed to scrounge up enough for a one-bedroom small flat until the position was not needed any more, or she was replaced.

She hadn't been replaced too many times, mainly her job was made redundant. Her typing count was way too high for her not to be popular with a temping position.

Still, her boring life, with her boring and numerous amounts of jobs had given her useful skills. She just had never realised that they could be used to such good in doing huge, important things.

Shaking her head, she let herself sigh and forget about mundane things in favour of something much more important: getting the Doctor to eat. He was skinny enough as it is. He'd turn into literal nothingness if he stopped now.

"Do you think I could just have toast?" she heard the Doctor ask, looking at his feet as he said it. When he looked back up and in her direction, she saw that he had turned rather pale. She knew then and there he'd never be able to eat the bacon.

"Yeah, but you better eat it and keep it down today, you hear? You're going to disappear if you lose weight."

Jack chuckled and nodded. "She's right you know, you really don't want to get any skinnier than you already are, Doc."

The Doctor folded his arms roughly about his chest and glared at both of them in turn, before sniffing and holding his head up. "I'm naturally skinny. Not my fault this is how I regenerated. What? You think I've always been a 'stick'?" He made gestures in the air at the stick part.

Donna let her lips thin as she looked at him. She knew what regeneration was. He'd explained it, and in a way so had Martha, when they had been on Messaline and Jenny was dying from the gunshot wound. "I know what regeneration is Doctor, you told me remember. Jenny..."

"Shut up! Don't talk about her," the Doctor said quietly, almost under his breath in a voice that was too calm. He was getting angry.

"Fine. I won't then, but Doctor, not eating isn't good for you, like not eating isn't good for us."

He shifted, decided to lean against her and close his eyes. "I know. Just...please don't mention Jenny again, alright? I'm feeling bad enough as it is without your help."

Jack leant over her and planted a kiss on the Doctor's cheek. The Doctor let him do it. Donna wondered, not for the first time, just how close those two have been in the past. Or the future for that matter. Time travel made the entire concept of time go pear shaped for her.

"You think you could take gramps to Venus? He seems to love that place," she said, trying to change the subject to something that would make the Doctor smile, or babble on tirelessly. His eyes lit up.

"Ooooh, Venus. Yes I can do that. I like Venus. They have great spearmint in case you wanted to know, and there are quite a few Venusian arts that you should really learn. Some of the greatest artwork in history comes from that planet. Oh! Venusian style karate too. Haven't used that in...ooh, centuries. My personal linear time. "

"What are you three nattering on about in here, then?" came the voice of her mum, as she stepped into the lounge room, pan in hand, ready to dish out breakfast. "Breakfast's ready. Get a move on."

"The Doctor's having toast mum, he's not feeling good."

For a second, it looked like a screaming match would start, but her mum took a good look at the Doctor's pale face, rolled her eyes and tutted. "Fine. Your other friend here, Jack, you like bacon? You're getting the extras. I'm not giving any of this to your grandfather."

Jack grinned at her in as gorgeous a way as possible. "Ma'am, my grandfather isn't born yet. Which is kind of strange and odd and quite distorting the realms of time, but I do that a lot."

"Jack, behave," came the low voice of the Doctor, though Donna could definitely hear humour in the tone he used.

Donna rolled her eyes. "Yes, Jack'll have the extra bacon. And I've done my own bit of running around in the 51st century mister, so don't think I don't know what you're going on about."

"Oh, listen to her, Miss travels through time."

She stared at her mum, turned to look at Jack and the Doctor each in turn, before she and the others started laughing. She had forgotten she hadn't told her mum. Her gramps knew, sure, being the nut about space that he was, but her mum...

"Aww, we should _so_ take you for a small trip," she said, only to have the Doctor wildly shaking his head.

"Oh no! I took Rose's mum for a trip once, and that was accidentally too mind you. Sure it was only to a different part of London, but then that led to the Battle at Canary Wharf. So, yeah, mothers on board equals not a good idea, thanks very much."

Donna frowned. Since travelling with the Doctor, she had heard a lot more about Rose. It was plainly obvious he was still crazy for her too. And she knew that it had been that particular battle that had ended with them being separated.

She hoped that one day they did meet again. Oh, to be around when that happens would be marvellous.

"Still, I think I'm going to stay clear away from the 51st century as much as the Doctor here is going to stay clear of Midnight."

The Doctor grinned and nodded, ignoring her comment about Midnight. "Oh yeah. You didn't sleep without a light on for...oh, at least a month after that. I kept on telling you that nothing would happen, but nope, didn't believe me. The TARDIS would have said if there was a flesh eating shadow on board."

"Ooh, Vashta Nerada? Really? Where was this?" Jack said, leaning on Donna, to get closer to the Doctor.

"The Library," both she and the Doctor said at the same time. While both of them had dealt with some of the issues that their stay at the Library had given them, Donna didn't bother telling the Doctor that occasionally she still slept with the lights on after a bad day of almost getting killed.

Those were the days she longed Lee was by her side so she could cuddle up and forget her troubles. "I still miss Lee. Is that...normal?"

"The three of you are talking nonsense. And whose Lee?" her mother demanded, glaring at her from the kitchen.

She rolled her eyes. "If you must know, he was my husband. We had two children together...a boy and a girl...I can't remember what their names were, if they had names to begin with. They weren't real. But Lee was, I know it."

Sylvia rolled her eyes, and strode back into the kitchen. "Well hurry up and get out here then, breakfast is getting cold now."

They hurried. Nothing else they could do with her mother breathing down their backs. The Doctor went to the toaster and popped in two slices of bread when he had found where the loaves were kept, while the rest of them sat around the table. He nibbled on a banana while he waited. Well, at least he was voluntarily eating. That was good, some days she still had to force him to eat.

He joined them a few minutes later, munching almost happily on his marmalade covered pieces of toast. He'd finished the banana.

Breakfast was usually a horrid time of day for Donna, filled with her mum going on about doing nothing with her life. Because of company here, her mother decided not to today, and Donna was grateful for it, because she hated being let down so much. It made her feel worthless, and she knew that out there with the Doctor was the one time she wasn't.

Donna washed up afterwards, feeling even more ready for the day now she had something in her stomach and the Doctor was still in a good mood.

She wondered how long it would last, as she would go tell the Doctor to call Martha as soon as she was done putting the dishes away.

Just because she had something that could spoil the day right in front of her, the everyday chore seemed to go twice as fast, just because she wanted it to go slower.

When the last plate was put away, she frowned, and walked outside, where the Doctor was talking animatedly to Jack and her gramps. The frown loosened and soon became a smile. He was acting so bloody normal, and she was about to ruin that. She didn't know how to act about him, so did the first thing that came into her mind. "Oi, Doctor. Don't forget to call Martha. Now would be better, before she gets too busy."

He froze for a second, looked over at her and smiled. "Yeah. Umm, phone..." He rummaged about in his pockets, before pulling out an old black mobile which she hadn't seen before. She hadn't even known he had one of his own.

He must have seen her staring because he grinned in his cheeky little way. "It was a present from the good Captain here, when we were on...business with a Slitheen in Cardiff a few years back. I was the only one without a phone."

Jack grinned. "Heh, that was with Rose and Mickey. You were all big ears and leather jacket back then too."

He grimaced as he dialled Martha's number. "Don't remind me of that me. I think this regeneration is a little better than that one. I have hair! Martha! Hello!"

With that, Donna smiled, sat down and decided to enjoy the day.

* * *

A warm arm circling around her waist woke her up, and the first thing her eyes saw as she blinked them lazily open was Tom grinning at her. They had the day off today, her having called in sick, and Tom being given the day off.

A nice day, a fun day. A day for lazing in bed all morning with the man she was going to marry. Grinning, she wrapped one of her arms around Tom's chest, leaned forward and gave him a kiss in that way which meant that soon they'd be doing much more energetic things. Being busy with UNIT, and Tom having just gotten back from his trip overseas, they hadn't really had time to themselves.

Now they had it and she wasn't going to waste it on work.

Before anything more interesting than a kiss had happened, the phone rang. Her mobile, which was even worse than the home phone. Home phone would mean family or friend, mobile meant work related.

She let her head rest heavily on Tom's chest, and groaned at the unwanted distraction, but got up to check who it was anyway.

If anything, it was giving Tom a good show, as she still hadn't gotten changed since crawling into bed the night before. Picking up the phone, she answered it with an almost growled out "Yes?"

"-ave hair! Martha! Hello!"

Martha blinked, looked at the number and saw that it wasn't her old mobile's number, and shrugged. Maybe the Doctor had a phone of his own. "Doctor? There isn't some kind of alien emergency that UNIT doesn't know of yet, is there?"

"No, don't be silly. Just...just calling an old friend. See how you are, hear all the latest gossip. Ask about the fiancé. Umm, I interrupted something didn't I?"

"Yes, if you must know, you did."

"Oh, oops. Sorry. Still, this is rather important, I think. Well, Donna thinks." A muffled voice on the other end of the phone was heard. "Ow! Donna! Yes, well, it's rather...important."

Sighing, Martha went to her door, pulled on her dressing gown and wandered into the kitchen to see what was for breakfast. "What is it then?"

There was a lengthy silence. Something was happening in the background, but the Doctor wasn't saying anything. Whether or not that was good was yet to be heard. She had gotten the milk out of the fridge, poured herself a glass, and put toast in the toaster before she heard him sigh. "Sorry, just wanted this to be private. Donna told me the two of you talk every now and then. Which is good! It is. It's very, very good. For the both of you. Umm, she told me that you and your family are going to a therapist from UNIT."

Martha rolled her eyes. "Yeah, nothing wrong with that. And don't try to get all guilty about it or anything. It's just sometimes the best thing to do is speak about what troubles you, unlike a certain Time Lord I know who doesn't say a word in lots."

There was another pause, this one smaller and much more uncomfortable than the first. "I didn't call to give you, your family or myself a guilt trip. I called...well, that is, I called for...just... See! This is the reason why I don't speak about the important stuff, because I can never get it out."

Tom came out from the bedroom keen on having his own breakfast now that their time in bed was over and done with for the morning. Well, there was always after breakfast for that and other places too. "Oh? Just tell me what it is you called for." Tom kissed her on the side of the neck and made her giggle. "Sorry Doctor, Tom just got up."

"Oh! Well tell him I say hi, and that I'll meet him one day soon. Haven't exactly got the TARDIS with me at the moment, but that's alright, except that means more trains, and if they happen to be on the Underground routes I hate them just so you know."

Battering Tom out of the way, watching as he walked to the fridge, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts, she grinned. "You are avoiding the question. And I will. Just...wait a sec. Tom! The Doctor says hello and he wants to meet you!" Tom grinned and nodded back at her. Well, that was informative. "There, happy? Now will you tell me?"

"I want the number."

He said it so fast and so quietly that she almost didn't catch what he had said. Frowning, picking up the toast and undoing the jam lid, she picked up a knife before asking, "The number to what?"

"The therapist..."

Her hand slipped and pasted her fingers with processed strawberries. "Say again? For who?"

"For me..."

She dropped the knife and held the phone in her non sticky hand, while gesturing madly for Tom to turn on the taps so she could rinse her hand under water. "Oh. Wow, and one minute ago you were saying you couldn't...why?"

The Doctor coughed quietly on the other end, and she could hear his embarrassment through the small sound. With the way he was about talking about important things, she knew it must have taken a lot of guts for him to even pick up the phone to ask for such a thing.

"Something bad. I'll tell you later. Since everyone seems so keen to know. First Donna, then Jack and you'll probably be next. But I really can't keep on like I am. It's like the Time War all over again..."

The Time War? She remembered what it had been like travelling with him when he was pretending to be happy and like he had everything, before he had told her about Gallifrey and his people being destroyed. For a bit he had even managed to pull it off. But as soon as he had gotten talking...it was like he was a completely different person.

Now he was willing to call her up for the one therapist who wouldn't lock him up for being crazy because he was going through after effects again? Did something trigger him that badly? Did he go up against that last Dalek again? He had tried to commit suicide last time...

"Was it Daleks?" she asked quietly.

"No, not Daleks. Actually it was humans. Normal, everyday humans like you and Tom, Jack and Donna. Well, apart from, you know, you lot being better than them, by a long shot."

He was differentiating now. Humans were never put into categories like that with him. Sure some made wrong choices and were bad, and others decided not to choose and others were likely to save the world through a series of actions that would make the Doctor proud, but they were all just that. Humans. Good, bad, neutral, crazy, sane, it didn't matter. He loved them all. And now he was putting his companions into a separate category than every other human out there.

That wasn't good.

"What did they do to you? What the hell did they do?!"

He sighed. "I don't want to talk about this over the phone. I'm at Donna's house, visiting her family while the TARDIS is...busy in Cardiff."

"That's in Chiswick right?"

"Yep."

She closed her eyes and sighed, throwing out the pieces of toast she had made. She wasn't hungry anymore. "If you are out the front, I'll be over shortly. I'll get the address from UNIT."

There was another quick pause. "You...you're coming over now? Today? I was pretty sure I was going to go back to Cardiff today, see if the old girl's ready for travel yet."

Martha rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and I'm not giving you the number in any other way than to your face. And it'll be good to see Donna again."

The Doctor cleared his throat a bit on the other end. "Martha...are you mad at me for something?"

That startled her, because she wasn't. Yet again with the way she had worded that last maybe to him it sounded like she wanted to see Donna and not him. "No. Got no reason to be. It'll be good to see you too. I'm just worried that's all. I want to see how you are doing."

He snorted into the phone, which was rather odd, before sighing. "Oh, yeah, you know me, always bouncing back, except when I don't. I'm going through some extremely over the top moods, panic attacks, flashbacks...crying. Other than that, I'm fine."

Other than that? "What did they do to you?" she asked again, this time it was barely a whisper and she was amazed he heard it.

"I'll tell you later. Bye."

Before she had a chance to tell him not to hang up, he had. She had raced into her bedroom, gotten dressed and was rummaging around for her car keys before she remembered Tom. She grimaced at thinking of how her life seemed so divided sometimes. "You want to come with me?" she asked, on the way out the door, and with a small nod, he followed her out.

Well, at least all her home life would now coincide with the Doctor.

At least something good was coming out of this mess.


	8. Chapter 8

This one is highly embarrassing. Well to the Doctor and to me, and perhaps to a few readers as well. Just a warning. Also has a scene that is almost self-harm. And mentions of retcon.

Chapter Eight

By the time Martha reached UNIT headquarters, she was snappy which in a way was good. With her in a mood the others actually did think she was sick. And with Tom there with her to show support, it made her little white lie into a part time truth.

She got the address, saying that she was going to kill the Doctor for pulling her out of bed. She wouldn't really, even if he would regenerate into another person, because the current one was the one she knew, and she didn't want to end up having to get used to a whole new person who was in some rather alien way, still the Doctor.

She wondered how UNIT had dealt with it. How Rose had? How many of the Doctor's companions actually had to get used to a brand new man coming from the one they had gotten to know? Well, not her.

By the time she actually saw the Doctor again, sitting down on the grass out the front of Donna's parents' place, an hour had passed and she was a lot calmer. A calm she felt she would need for this coming talk, because as the Doctor stated on the phone himself, he wasn't one to say anything important about things that were bothering him.

With him were Donna and Jack. That was a nice surprise. At least she knew the Doctor hadn't been on his own since whatever happened happened.

"Which one's the Doctor?" Tom asked, looking at the three sitting on the lawn.

"The one in the suit," she replied, as she parked and turned the car off. She waved from her seat, before getting out and going over to join them. She smiled widely. "Hello Doctor, Donna, Jack. Look who I brought with me."

Tom joined them, waving down at those on the ground, and Martha snuggled up to his side and smiled up at him. "Hi," he said, smiling nicely.

The Doctor jumped to his feet, a wide smile on his face and grabbed her fiancé's hand, shaking it vigorously in his normal hyper manner. Either it was a good act, or he wasn't feeling that bad at that present time.

"Oh, brilliant! Nice to meet you Tom. It is Tom isn't it? Martha told us the happy news. Marriage! Congratulations!"

Tom blinked and nodded. "Yeah. Martha and I are getting married next spring. Seemed a nice time to pick."

"I almost got married once, fully managed to another time. But one was interrupted by a spider wanting to feed me to her babies and the other one wasn't...real. Well, the man was, I'm sure of it, but...nothing else," Donna chimed in, looking somewhat sad. "His name was Lee..."

Martha winced slightly, because there was pain in the way Donna said the man's name. "I'm sorry. This Lee, it sounds like you cared about him a lot."

"He was the perfect man for me." Donna shook her head and smiled up at her and Tom. "Nice to meet you Tom, Martha told me about the marriage too. Good to know she did choose a nice strong man to keep her company."

The Doctor sighed and let himself fall to the ground. He was pouting in that humorous way of his which means someone did something he wasn't too happy with but wasn't worried about it. "Donna..."

The ginger woman smirked at the Doctor, and swatted his arm. "What?"

Martha laughed. It was all so normal for them. It was hard to believe that earlier this morning the Doctor had called her personally to ask for the number to see a psychiatrist. It was beyond what she was used to with him, especially considering he wasn't acting any different to how he normally did right now.

Jack had been watching silently until then. Hearing her laugh may have given him hope or something, because the next minute she knew, he was standing up and in front of Tom.

"Captain Jack Harkness. A great pleasure to meet you, Tom."

"Jack," both she and the Doctor said, her with a warning tone added onto the good Captain's name.

With a smile and not another word, Jack raised his hands and backed off. Martha watched as he went inside the house they were loitering in front of.

The Doctor cleared his throat and looked to Donna, doing something interesting with his eyebrows, which had the older woman rolling her eyes and grabbing Tom by the arm. "Come on you, come inside with me and tell me a bit about yourself. Leave these two to chat," Donna stated, dragging Tom inside with her before he had a chance to reply.

And now it was clear that things were different, because no matter how awkward the moment before, the Doctor would always find something to babble on about. And now all she was getting from him was uncomfortable silence. She shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable herself, before she lowered herself to the ground to lie next to the Doctor.

"It's hard. To talk about I mean, but I have been. I told Donna as soon as I was back at the resort. Jack...he I told not long ago."

Martha lifted a hand and put it lightly upon one of his knees. "You don't have to tell me right now, you know. You seem in such a good mood, and you didn't sound too thrilled on the phone. You worried me. Still are for that matter." She let her head rest a little uncomfortably against his thigh and smiled. "Still, it's good to hear you taking better care of yourself. Though I wish it wasn't because of something bad happening."

He snorted in a way that made him sound slightly amused, yet more than a little frustrated with himself. "Bad things always happen to me. You get used to it after a while."

Martha sat up, brushing bits of grass out of her hair as she did. "That doesn't mean you have to like it, or be happy about it. With half the stuff you've been through, it's amazing you're as sane as you are."

She wondered if he thought she was just going to group therapy with her family, because nearly all of them were involved in what happened on the Valiant. The one that hadn't been on the airship, Leo, had been killed early in the year that wasn't.

She wasn't. She also went to individual sessions, because half of her problems with that year were different to the others.

The things she had seen while wandering the barren, dead Earth in search of survivor camps to tell her story to still woke her up. Least of all the image of Tom being killed while trying to protect her.

Yet again, that had happened a lot, but now Tom was 'real' to her.

Very real.

She worried about him.

"It's a good idea, talking to someone about all of this stuff. Someone who can help calm the nightmares, the chaos of what happened. Having someone whose job it is to do that has gotten me through the mess of that year. There are things I saw Doctor...they were bad. But I knew, I _knew_ I had to keep going. Not only for you, but for everyone else too."

He smiled up at her, before sitting up slowly, ruffling his hair more to mess it up than to get the grass out. "Martha Jones. Saving the world. Thank you for that. Really. How's your family doing?"

Shaking her head, she smiled. "Getting better. Leo...he has a bit of trouble understanding it all. Feels a bit left out of all the madness I think. We haven't told him."

"He died. It might be best not to. Dying is a bit...weird, especially if you come back again."

She punched him lightly on the arm, and watched as he frowned and rubbed it. "Silly man. Only you would think of it in that way. We just don't want to freak him out as to why he wasn't captured when those things were literally everywhere and taken to the Valiant. And I won't even begin to tell him what those Toclafane did to his son."

Slowly, so she wouldn't startle him if it was something he was avoiding, she brought the Doctor into a hug. He curled his arms around her quite willingly and she could feel him grin against her neck. "What's this about then?" he asked, and it tickled her skin where he breathed. Thank god she had gotten over that crush, or else she'd be flushed about now.

"You keep changing the subject away from yourself and onto me. Do you want to tell me now, or when you think you might find it easier?"

He sighed and moved his head so his face was pointing away from her. "I don't think it ever gets easier...I still can't talk of the War. You know more than anyone about that. Well, about my planet anyway. I just want to forget what happened, but still...remember, and that made no sense even to me, speaking it out loud."

It was probably the first time he had discussed his feelings so openly to her. When he had told her about Gallifrey, it had been about the planet itself, not his feelings on it, or its people. Donna must be opening him up a bit. No wonder he seemed ready to get some help now. He had just needed the right kind of push, and Donna was just the right person to give that to him.

He had after all said that Donna had thought it a good idea on the phone.

"I feel like I was...violated. Dirty. My thoughts, memories, mannerisms, my _voice_, were used against me. And my body betrayed me just as much as my mind did because of that...thing. I don't even know what it was. It learnt very quickly, picked everything up, but put some inquisitive new life form in with a bunch of panicked humans and what does it do? Imitates. It played on their fears, it played with their heads until they all tried to throw the person it inhabited out. The sun was deadly. The very air outside could kill in a split second, and they wanted to throw her out. I defended her. It was the right thing to do. If more had done so, things might have gone differently, but no one would listen to me, because I was alien. They wanted to throw me out too after they realised that. When that decision was made, it took my voice. Used me like a puppet. Got into my head, took everything that was me and used it to almost get me killed. I couldn't move Martha, I couldn't speak anything but to mimic what it spoke with my words. I couldn't defend myself as the men on board started to drag...drag..."

The Doctor froze in her arms and begun to shake. She nudged him a bit to check he was alright, because he had stopped talking before he had finished. He didn't respond. She quickly laid him down and looked at his face. He wasn't seeing her that much was plainly obvious.

She'd seen that blank stare on her mother's face quite a few times. She never knew what to do when it came to people she personally cared about, even though she had been taught how to at medical school when she had worked a short time in the psychiatric ward.

Slowly she shook his shoulders, and kept his eyes on her face. "Doctor, Doctor come on, snap out of it please. I'm sorry, all right? You didn't have to talk."

A few minutes later he gave a furious blink and gasped for air like he hadn't breathed for a long time. His lips and tongue were softly moving, though if actual words were being spoken they weren't at a range humans could hear.

"Doctor?" she called out again, and jumped when he looked at her and blinked again.

"Martha? What are you doing here?"

Had he just zoned out? She couldn't really blame him if he had. What he'd said, about his voice being stolen, was scary. Because if there was one thing she knew about the Doctor it was that he _was_ his voice. He could talk his way out of almost anything. He was _good _at it. To have that taken away from him, plus his absolute faith in the human race shaken so badly, no wonder he was completely freaked out.

It was no wonder he was having trouble with this.

"You kind of...zoned out on me a bit there. You alright?"

He nodded his head, brushing the grass out after some fell in his eyes, and frowned. "Sorry. That last bit...it makes me remember it. Vividly. I didn't hurt you or anything did I? I've been known to...thrash about a bit."

Martha shook her head. "No, you just kind of got a vacant look in your eyes."

He got to his feet, patted himself down, and walked inside without saying another word. Sighing loudly, she got up and followed after him.

"Doctor! You're as white as a sheet!" Was his greeting as he stumbled his way into the lounge room, only to fall in a heap onto the couch, crawling into a ball and hoping to stay there at least until lunch was ready. It was Sylvia. At least she was being nice to him.

He wasn't hungry. Not at all. He felt empty of everything right then. A deep void of darkness that didn't seem to want anything to do with things like light, or hope, or any good emotion at all for that matter.

He heard the door close as Martha came in after him. He had known she would follow, and it made him feel even worse than he did. He had worried her a lot. But he couldn't get the right words to explain what had happened outside. He clamped his hands tightly in his hair, pushing his forearms hard against his ears, as if to block out auditory information. It didn't work.

"Doctor? Come on, let go of your hair, before you hurt yourself," Martha said kindly next to him, which made him clench even harder.

A blanket was thrown over him, and a pair of hands rubbed at his back, and it wasn't Martha.

"Donna?" he asked, because his eyes were closed and he didn't want to see if he was wrong or right.

"No, it's Tom," came the disappointingly unfamiliar male voice. "You're in a mild state of shock. I'm just trying to warm you up a bit, alright?"

He nodded. He did feel rather cold, and he was shaking again. Sylvia had said something about him being unnaturally pale too. He tried to let himself relax and to think of warming himself up. The blanket felt heavy on his shoulders, and he shifted slightly to move his head under it. He managed to hide his face, but his hair stuck out, fingers still holding painfully to tufts which felt like they were about to be yanked out.

He could calm his breathing down when he was able to pretend he was alone in the room but for Tom, who was still rubbing at his back in slow, precise circles, and not just in one spot, but all over. After a few long minutes, he had stopped shaking, and felt warm. His fingers unclenched from their places wrapped in his hair, and he had to take a few minutes to bend and stretch them to get out the soreness and kinks that had formed.

He had broken bones there yesterday...that hadn't been the best thing to have done, but he hadn't been thinking of anything other than trying to block out people's voices.

He poked his head back out, knowing that he was a bit flushed, not all because of embarrassment either. He cleared his throat and swallowed heavily around the lump that had formed. Oh no, he wasn't going to cry over this. He wasn't.

He buried his head in the blanket again, blinking furiously until he knew he wouldn't, before raising his head again. "Hello," he said, failing miserably at making his voice not sound so utterly miserable. He was miserable, everyone knew right now. He didn't bother hiding it after that, and let the smile he had been trying to get on his lips fall into a frown.

"You've got some colour back now," Tom stated, smiling at him in a reassuring way, stopping the rubbing he had kept up until just then. The blanket fell off and onto the floor when he moved to sit up.

Sod the bloody blanket. It wasn't important anyway. No use hiding this, it was plainly visible to everyone. Right now he hated himself.

"Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Sorry."

Martha knelt down in front of him, and shook her head. "Doctor, you don't have to apologise. You didn't do anything wrong."

He was 904 years old. He couldn't even remember his real age anymore, so he had reset to 900 because it sounded impressive. He was over a millennia age wise now. But that made him feel old. He didn't want to feel old. He wanted to feel as young as his body was. Well, if he was human.

Technically in the 30's in his own species, he was still a child.

He felt like one right now.

Even then he had control of body functions. He could feel tears welling in his eyes again, tried to blink them away but they slipped free instead. Shame wouldn't even allow him to act less like a child it seemed.

He shifted and winced, because he really needed to change now. Now.

"I need a bath, badly. And clothes. And a retcon would be nice too if Jack has any in his bag..."

Martha smacked him on the arm. He had gotten used to Donna doing that. "You are not going anywhere near those retcon pills of Jack's. It won't help you. Memories like this stick Doctor. Even if you took it, there would be no guarantee that you'd go back to before it happened."

He glared at her. "_I'm_ sticky. I want a bath. Can I at least have that?"

"You better, mister, you're mucking up my lounge!" came the voice of a rather angry, yet trying not to yell at him, Sylvia. She was upset, sure, but she could see how upset he was over it too.

He got up, and stood still. He knew where the bathroom was but he couldn't be bothered walking there, and he felt yucky when he moved. He was determined not to look down, but did anyway.

"Ugh! I can't believe I did this..." He pulled at the front of his pants and screwed his face up at the wet sound it made. Not even caring about his audience he stripped down to wearing nothing but his shirt (light blue, Jack had picked it out) and his suit jacket. He balled up his pants and threw them on top of the blanket. Jack had conveniently forgotten to pack him under wear. Not that it really mattered to him.

He began walking to the bathroom, going towards the shower instead of the bath. Either one would do. He just wanted to get clean.

He stripped off the rest of his clothes, turned on the hot water tap and stepped under it, waiting for it to get hot, before turning on the cold when it came too much.

He let himself slide down the wall and give in to the tears he had been fighting since he had ran from Martha. He tried to be silent, but lost that particular battle, and before too long there was a knock at the door.

"Doc, you okay in there?" came the worried voice of Jack.

He didn't answer. Couldn't even if he wanted to. He just wanted to drown in here, die and get this stupid life over with. Maybe regeneration would help? It had last time, kind of.

Or maybe that had just been Rose...

He knew he should have run a bath instead, but then everyone would hear him crying, and he didn't want people to know that's what he was doing. It would be infinitely easier to drown in a bath, practically impossible in a shower.

He turned the shower off, and went to the bath instead. All he had to do was fill it so that he could lie down in the warm water and keep his head down. He didn't even need to take a breath, just duck down and breathe in the water.

"Doc, come on, Doctor this isn't funny, what are you doing?" Jack asked from the opposite side of the door.

"Nothing," he replied, his voice calm and centred. Nothing to worry about, just a watery death and regeneration later and he'd be as good as new. "Just running a bath now."

"You just had a shower."

"I want a bath..."

Jack shut up. He didn't know whether the annoying human had gone away or was just being quiet, but at least he could get on with it.

The bath filled up and he turned the taps off. Hopping in, he let himself slide down and frowned when he floated instead of sank. Well, he should have expected that. He didn't even have time to duck under the water before he heard his sonic screwdriver buzzing and the lock to the bathroom door unlocked and Jack came barging in, Martha close on his heels.

He sat up fast and quickly covered himself. "What in the world is this for?!" he cried out, not liking being naked in front of this crowd of people. Tom came in next, followed by Donna and her mum. He could hear Wilf out in the hallway asking if he was alright.

"Doctor, come on, get out," Martha said, holding out a hand to him.

He just stared at the appendage and blinked. He raised his eyebrows in what he hoped was a clear sign that he wasn't moving his hands until everyone was out.

Tom held out a towel, while Jack started ushering people out. Soon it was just him and the other males. Sighing, he knew he had missed out on this chance. He grabbed the towel Tom was still holding out for him, dried off and wrapped it around his waist, before turned to Jack and frowned. "What the hell was that for?"

Tom left them alone then, closing the door behind him, before Jack answered. "Your voice was too calm. I was worried you were going to do something stupid. What were you doing?"

He sighed loudly. "Having a bath! You couldn't tell by the nakedness, or the bath running, or that you burst in on me and brought everyone else in the house with you? I've been embarrassed and ashamed enough today. Thanks for adding to that..."

"Doctor...you had just had a shower. Why have a bath afterwards?"

He shrugged and turned away. "I thought, since it helped last time...if I regen..."

"If you are about to say regenerate, stop right now and use that big brain of yours. You are not thinking clearly. Do we have to watch you 24 hours of every day? I'll drag you to the bloody therapist myself in a minute. Killing yourself isn't going to make you better."

He blinked. "I wasn't going to kill myself. I just wanted to change. I'll still have a few regenerations left before final death. I just wanted to feel better. I did last time. I thought..."

"So you think killing off this body will help because the next one will be different? Doctor, you still will have the same feelings. You did before, you just hid it better because Rose was there and you were having a great time, and she made you feel good about yourself."

And now that he really thought of it, it had been a stupid idea. Jack went to the bath and pulled the plug, and the Doctor watched as the water swirled its way down the tubes. "I...I thought it would work. I didn't think, I just did. Jack..."

He was pulled into a hug and to make things even worse he began to cry again. This time out of fear. What the hell was he _doing?!_ He was beginning to scare himself. It was like that time in New York with Martha when he had screamed at the Daleks to kill him and get it over with. In that moment he really wanted death. And it wouldn't lead to regeneration either. Dalek weaponry killed flat out, no coming back from that.

Had Martha told Jack that?

Not that it really mattered.

Tom came back, by himself with his blue pants. "Here, your brown ones are in the wash."

Nodding, wiping at his eyes with his hands, he reached out, took them and put them on. "Thanks. You know, for everything. Pants, blanket, backrub."

Tom nodded before he moved out gain.

The Doctor decided he liked Tom, he was calm and professional in the middle of other peoples crises. He would probably make a good companion if Martha hadn't already claimed him.

Putting his shirt back on, but leaving the jacket he took a few deep, calming breaths and exited the bathroom, ready to go down and apologise for his recent behaviour.


	9. Chapter 9

Hope I did alright with Tosh, who is finally in this story.

Chapter Nine

He had meant to say sorry. He had even made up a little apology before he reached the lounge room where everyone had gathered to see if he was alright. But the words so meticulously planned out to do the least amount of harm didn't come out of his mouth. His subconscious desires took over and so instead of the sorry he had planned, what he was thinking came out instead.

"I want to go back to the TARDIS now."

Donna rushed to his side and grabbed him in a fierce hug which made difficulty breathing. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gotten you to come here. You said you didn't want to yesterday."

He had said that yesterday because of the trains, not coming here itself. He had wanted to see Wilf again. He paled. "I don't want to go on the trains...I don't think I like trains very much."

He was aware he was whining, acting like a child, but right then he really didn't care. What, out of everything he had done today, hadn't been childish in the least? He had eaten little, drank too much juice, soiled himself, cried in the shower and tried to drown himself in a bathtub.

He looked towards the couch, saw that the covers over the cushions had been taken off and looked away. He didn't have the strength left to blush. Not with the train ride back to Cardiff still to come.

"We could always drive you," Martha said, coming over to where he stood, still wrapped in a Donna hug. He decided that he very much liked Donna's hugs more than anyone's. He let himself relax in her arms, and felt as her grip loosened a bit to something a lot more comfortable.

"Where is this TARDIS?" Tom asked, and the Doctor could hear the silent question. He wanted to see it for himself, to know that what Martha had told him about time travel in a blue box was all true.

Jack stepped forward then, taking charge when it was needed. The good Captain was always able to do that when things got awkward or too hard. It was good to see some things don't change. "In the Torchwood hub, Cardiff division. We could leave now and get there sometime this afternoon. If anything needs to be done beforehand, do it now, because I don't think we'd stop."

Martha gave a short nod, giving the keys to Tom, and going into the toilet. Donna trotted after her, waiting by the door so she'd be next in.

Oh, so _now_ he decided to blush.

His body was out of control. He hated it more than anything at that moment.

While the others got ready for the drive, the Doctor sat down on one of the chairs in the kitchen, staring at the surface of the table. There were interesting swirls on it, which seemed to almost suck you in, and he was trying to keep a straight head while constantly looking at it and still jumped a mile when Wilf sat in the chair next to his.

"I'm sorry. I just would be a lot more comfortable in the TARDIS than here. I haven't really ever done the whole domestic scene outside her very well. I tried once, with Rose, but I don't think it worked very well. Especially with her ex-boyfriend. I liked Mickey, but I think he didn't like me very much."

Wilf waited until he had stopped talking before putting a hand on top of his and smiled. "You don't worry about what happened today, you hear? I won't have that. Donna will see you through it, along with your other friends."

The Doctor nodded silently, letting the older looking man comfort him. He knew Wilf was right, that he shouldn't worry about what had happened before the bath debacle, but he couldn't help it. "I feel like I've lost all control over the functional actions of my body. It's not a good feeling to have."

Shaking his head, Wilf laughed. "Ah, it happens sometimes. Age does it too you know. And other things. When I was a lot younger, during the second War, I saw good mates of mine being carted off. Camps they said. Only two ever came back."

Nodding silently, the Doctor sighed. "I've been in wars. Last Great Time War was...recent in my personal timeline. I lost everything...I'm the last of my race. There are no others. I saw them all burn along with my planet. I caused it to happen."

The hand on his gently patted at his skin, and it didn't help ease the pain this talk was making him feel. Like talking anything of the War or his people caused him to feel. "I felt I had caused the death of my friends too."

He ripped his hand away from the old human and glared. "I pushed the button that made it explode. I literally did it. I didn't just feel like I did, I caused it to happen. It was the only way to stop the War, to stop Gallifrey from being overtaken by the Daleks and to save the rest of the Universe. If I hadn't done it, the entire history of _life_ would have been undone. There would have been nothing, and I was the only one who cared enough about the other races to interfere. They gave me the weapon to use. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I did. I killed them all. I had a family, children, _grandchildren_, friends, lovers, enemies, people I hadn't even met. I committed genocide twice over, and more beside. All to save the rest of time and space. You can't begin to _imagine_ how that feels."

Hands were on his shoulders from behind then and he stiffened in surprise, not knowing who it was until he felt the swish of a familiar cloak about his own ankles. "Jack..."

"Settle down," was the only reply he got, and it was whispered into his ear. Nodding, he tried to breathe slower, as his hearts were racing. He shouldn't talk of that. Talking of the War was never a good thing, and it always left him angry.

Feeling angry sure as hell beat the alternative though. He didn't think he'd live if he had to go through that.

"I'm alright. I'm calm. You can let go now Jack," he said, meaning it. At least this time he hadn't needed to take his anger out physically. The hands on his shoulders squeezed gently for a second, before they let him go.

"What sparked off the yelling?" Jack asked.

The Doctor blinked. He had yelled that out? He hadn't noticed. "Oops." He turned to Wilf and winced. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Or belittle your experiences. I just...Sometimes I forget that others have watched friends and family die. Or have feelings for that matter. I sometimes think that everything bad that happens does so to me."

Wilf made a sound that reminded the Doctor a lot of one Donna made when she was saying 'Don't worry about it' mixed in with a bit of 'You bloody idiot'. It was a sound he was all too familiar with and he managed to grin slightly, feeling in that moment like a fool.

Things calmed down even further after that. No one was making fun of him, which made him believe that they really didn't think badly of him for it. Sylvia sent glares of death at him every time she caught sight of her couch, but apart from that, she wasn't exactly blaming him for it.

It was just a stupid accident after all. Blaming him would have been a bit harsh. The only one that was doing that was himself.

By the time Donna had packed more clothes and gotten them in the car, it was midday and they all decided to stay for lunch before moving on to Cardiff. He didn't speak during the meal, but he did eat two sandwiches. Everyone seemed a little too overjoyed at that.

Either he really was that skinny, or they were afraid he wasn't eating right. By the time he was sitting in the backseat between Donna and Martha, the two guys in the front, he decided that it was definitely the latter.

They worried too much. But most of the time nowadays he just wasn't that hungry. If they stopped worrying needlessly over him if he ate proper meals, then he would eat proper meals. Maybe then he'd get some sort of peace from the worry that clouded his friends' expressions.

Hell, he had even seen the worry on Tom's face, and he had only just met the man today.

Thankful that he didn't have the same peculiar reactions to movements of humans when they were in moving vehicles for long periods of time, the Doctor happily sat in his seat, watching past Donna or Martha depending on which direction he wanted to look out at the time. The scenery seemed to fly by, but his physiology stopped him from getting sick even though he wasn't used to cars from a passengers viewpoint.

It was fascinating, a completely new experience almost. He wouldn't count any time he had been a passenger in his own car. Bessie had looked out for him just as much as the TARDIS did, except she had been, for lack of a better word, a normal car. He had spruced her up a bit of course. Personalised her number plates. Added a few booby traps for any baddies who may be chasing them.

He had been thinking of his car a bit since he and Donna had visited Agatha Christie. Came from driving another vintage he supposed.

The motion of a moving vehicle did to him what it did to some human babies. Lulled him to sleep. He was woken a half hour later for a break at a petrol station when the car needed to be refuelled. He got out and stretched his legs with the girls, since he had found that they were sore from being in the backseat of a car without much room.

Jack came out with nibbles. Tom had paid for the petrol. It was half an hour back in the car when he wanted to try driving it.

"Can I drive for a bit?" he asked, and while Tom smiled at him from the rear view mirror and begun to slow the car down, ready to pull over, Martha was shaking her head wildly on his right side.

"I don't trust you with driving my car. It's nice of you to offer, Doctor, but no. Do you even know how to drive a car?" Martha asked, making the smile on his face drop.

"Yes as a matter of fact. I have a car. It's mine in paper and everything. It's just...been a while since I last drove her."

Donna chose this time to look over him to Martha and nodded. "He drove once with me. Little old vintage. In a car chase after Agatha Christie. It was great! And he wasn't a bad driver. Drives a car better than that machine of his."

"Oi! A TARDIS isn't supposed to be piloted by one person. Anyone who looks at the layout of the console should plainly see that!" Why was it people always called him a bad driver when it came to his TARDIS. It wasn't his fault it was a bumpy ride most of the time. It wasn't even his fault if he got the time or date or place wrong. Well, not all the time anyway. The TARDIS was old. Very old. And she was falling apart at the seams it felt.

No, he wouldn't think of that. No thinking of the TARDIS dying, or dead. Because every time he loses her nowadays he gets a bit panicked. But right now she wasn't lost and she was safe and he could feel her in his head gently humming and keeping him company. She was full of life still. And he honestly believed that she would only die after he was gone himself.

It was a relief for him to know this. And since he had given her some of his own life, she had been doing much better. She was still old, but that wouldn't stop her.

"Doctor? What are you thinking of?" asked Martha, holding onto his hand.

"The TARDIS. She's been doing better these last few years. I think the Time War took a lot out of her as well. Almost as much as it took from me. If not the same."

Donna hugged his left arm, but didn't say anything, she just kept staring out the window, watching the sky outside. Martha let her head rest on his shoulder and he smiled. No one in that moment was really feeling sorry for him. Sympathising maybe, and perhaps that was just a prettier word for it, but he didn't feel bad over it, because it was just two of his friends being affectionate.

"I feel oddly left out of the action," Jack stated quite loudly from the passenger seat, looking back at them, grinning widely. A hand wandered over his knee and stayed there, rubbing in small circles he guessed were supposed to either be erotic or comforting.

He tried moving his leg, but didn't have enough room. Sighing he glared. "Jack, as much as this might feel good to you, it is making me pretty uncomfortable right now..." He didn't know why either. It could be because of the other night when he had crawled onto the Captain's lap in the only attempt at sex he had made in the past few years. It could be his mind shying away from a male touching his legs.

It was bringing up bad memories of being dragged again. He clamped down on the memory and shoved it aside, and was surprised when it worked and he didn't end up going through another horrid flashback.

Jack removed his hand and pouted. "Yep figures you'd say that. You can have everyone but me touch you. Feeling a bit shy are we, Doc."

The Doctor turned a light shade of pink from a different set of memories, and shifted in his seat. "Think Ianto will punch me again when we get back? I really wasn't thinking straight."

Jack shook his head. "Toshiko will make sure he watches the rest of the footage and has a long think over it. I doubt he was thinking clearly either. He can be a bit jealous. Though he doesn't mind me flirting with anyone I want to."

"Doesn't mind or just puts up with it," asked Martha, a grin on her face. He had forgotten for a second that Jack had told him that Martha had worked for Torchwood while Owen had been dealing with being newly dead. Or had it been Owen himself who had told him that? Hmm, he couldn't remember. Usually his mind was excellent at remembering things like that.

Jack shook his head. "Doesn't matter. I can't help it anyway, if's a part of who I am. If he doesn't like it then he'll just have to get used to it."

"Bit harsh, don't you think?" Donna said, looking now at Jack instead of outside.

The Doctor turned to look at her and frowned. "Would you like it if someone told you to stop being red headed? You can dye your hair for the rest of your life, but until you go gray or whatever colour your hair will turn when you are old, you will naturally be ginger. It's just a cover up to make someone who might not like your hair like you better."

She stared at him like he was going crazy. "What the hell does my hair have anything to do with Jack and Ianto's sex life?"

He sighed and lowered his head so it rested on the back of the seat. "It doesn't. It was a badly placed metaphor. Your hair in this example is Jack's libido, the person who doesn't like it, Ianto. Would you change it even though you know what it really looks like, how it feels?"

Donna snorted loudly. "No. I like my hair. Anyone who doesn't can go bugger off."

"Exactly!" The Doctor and Jack said together.

"It does make sense, though you could have used a better example," Martha joined in the conversation.

Soon afterwards, they stopped again to let Donna out for a bit of a walk to cool her temper down. They still had an hour and a half of driving to go.

They ate the snacks Jack had gotten from the service station. Even when she came back, she wouldn't talk to him. Or anyone else for that matter.

He let her be. He had learnt long ago that Donna angry was a force to be reckoned with.

The stony silence filled the car, and without something to keep his mind occupied he found himself drifting off to sleep again.

He woke up to the hum of two TARDISes in his head in the Torchwood car lockup, Martha shaking his shoulder gently. The others had already gone inside.

"Come on, time to go inside and find somewhere a bit more comfortable than a car to sleep in."

He was comfortable where he was until he moved his head slightly and pain made itself known. Grimacing, reaching out to hold his neck where he had stiff muscle he yawned. "We're here already?" he asked, not sure how could have possibly slept that long after a half hour earlier that day, and a full night's sleep.

Something was wrong. He was definitely sleeping too much.

Yet again, he already knew something was wrong. Why did everything have to be so mucked up nowadays?

Yawning, he got out of the car and looked around. He hadn't been in this part of Torchwood before, and he knew it would be close to the Hub and not actually in it, because there was no way he could see that happening.

All it was was a huge garage.

It was a 5 minute walk to the information booth that led to the Torchwood hub. The Doctor thought it was a rather ingenious disguise himself, as it was a place only tourists would really even dare to tread. It even looked like an information desk, piled high with pamphlets and cards for what to do and see while staying in Cardiff, and for a larger look at things, all of Wales.

Ianto and Jack were in there when they entered, locked together in a kiss. Thankfully their clothes were still on, though it didn't look like they would be for very long.

Was that also for the tourists, or for his and Martha's viewing only? Jack sometimes really needed to learn to curb his desires.

They left them to it, going towards the door that led to the actual hub itself. The thud of something heavy hitting the ground followed them as they lost sight of the two lovers. The Doctor found himself hoping it wasn't the computer.

After a bit of a ride down, the round door he had seen Ianto stalking through yesterday morning opened and they were inside the actual hub. Donna and Tom were sitting on a couch, watching a woman working on the computers. The Doctor grinned widely, feeling perked up again at seeing someone from his past.

"Hello! Toshiko Sato, nice to see you again after all these years. The people you meet in secret organisations, hey?"

She turned, looked at him and blinked. "Do I know you? You don't look familiar."

He grinned a little bit wider and let out a happy 'heh' at that. "I wouldn't. Different man back then. Me, you, space pig in a morgue. Mermaids!"

He could tell she immediately got the reference and she went on an immediate defensive. "How do you know that?! I didn't tell anyone."

"And until then there were only two other people who had heard it, well, three if Mickey was told, and they don't live in this universe anymore. Parallel Earth is where they are now. Pete's World, I call it." He wouldn't tell her about Torchwood London's part in that, though it must have shown in the slight change in his voice which stated clearly enough that he wasn't too happy with what he had just said.

"The Doctor is a Time Lord," Martha stated from the seat she had taken next to Tom. "When his people are about to die, they change their whole cellular structure and their look for lack of a better word."

He turned to her, frowned and pouted. "I was going to tell her that!" He turned back to Tosh, slightly disappointed. He shrugged and grinned back at the woman in front of him. "Well, it is true anyway. I died, and my body changed to what you see it now. I am the same man with the northern accent, short hair and big ears you met in Albion Hospital."

Her eyebrows shot up and a hand reached out to touch him softly on the cheek. He let her. Regeneration was hard for some human to take in, especially those who know nothing about it. He had told Martha in the middle of a crisis, and Donna, well she had found out when Jenny...

He cleared his throat and startled Tosh while doing it. He grinned slightly. "Sorry. No, really, you have gentle hands, Tosh. I can call you Tosh, can't I?"

She nodded slightly, taking her hand away. "You're really him? That's incredible! Time Lord you said?"

A grin that felt like it had parked on his face and decided to stay there made its way to his face and it felt good. It had been what felt like forever since he had liked someone he had barely met and as curious as the woman in front of him. "Yes, Time Lord. You may find my old UNIT file, and that of the Master's, but that's about all you would find of me or my people. I'm the only one left now. Ask Jack sometime, he grew up hearing about Time Lords and thought I was a myth. A myth!"

Her smile dropped then at that. "You're the only one? Don't you get lonely?"

The grin on his face didn't drop completely, but it did fade a bit. He looked at her with his new small grin and it seemed to say everything in that moment he couldn't. He squawked like Donna after a surprise when he suddenly found himself in a hug. He chuckled slightly and hugged Toshiko back. "It's alright. Really. And that really does remind me..." He got himself gently out of Tosh's grip and petted her shoulder, glad that she had given him the comfort she had, and turned to Martha. "The number. I almost forgot."

"Oh! Yeah, right. Wait a sec..."

Martha got up and joined them at the table, grabbing at a piece of paper that was by the desk ready for coordinates or other important details for whatever it was Torchwood did in its tracking of alien life, and scribbled down the number, handing it over when she was done. "Here! Sorry, it's a bit messy. You can read it, right?"

He nodded and smiled at Martha. He wasn't too happy with the digits in front of him that made up the telephone number to one person he dreaded meeting, but he knew that right now he really needed to suck up his pride and fear and just go.

"What's the number for?" he heard Tosh quietly ask Martha behind him, as he begun to slowly pace back and forth between where the other two were sitting and the desks with the computers.

"Psychiatrist I've been seeing. Probably the only one that deals with alien life on the planet at this particular time. Doubt the Doctor would go any other time. He's comfortable here and now. And he has friends to look out for him."

He huffed. "'He' can hear every word you are saying."

"We know, Doctor. Go call."

He left the others, Donna content to sit by and chat to Tom, while Martha and Toshiko got to talking. Two people he had made friends with today, or could easily do if he wanted. He supposed if he was to be around here a lot, he would get friendlier with both Tosh and Tom.

He didn't know where this psychiatrist was after all and would need a lift.

Going over to his TARDIS, feeling her gentle welcome and seeing that her doors were already open and waiting for him, he patted her walls in gratitude and went to the console cubby where he kept Martha's old phone. He didn't know if it was out of paranoia, or if he just wasn't comfortable with giving out his own number, but he wasn't about to use either the phone on the TARDIS, or his mobile.

With a deep breath to fortify himself, he sat down heavily on the captain's seat and dialled the number on the piece of paper Martha had just given him.

He froze when he heard a male voice answer it on the other side.

Could he really do this? It suddenly seemed like such a huge step to take.

He sucked in a breath and answered with a question in a small, slightly shaky voice.

"...hello?"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

In hindsight, maybe crying when he found out he was talking to a secretary wasn't the brightest move to have made, but he couldn't help it. He had no idea why he had been so highly emotional either, but it made him feel like an idiot.

The secretary made it worse by saying he had been on the line with other people crying before and that it was a part of his job. Was the lad supposed to say things like that? Was it supposed to make him feel better?

He wasn't really expecting it after the secretary, and it probably helped a bit to calm him down when the therapist himself was put on the line.

"Why are you crying?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.

"I d-don't know," he replied, because it was true. He had no idea why. One second he had been in a relatively good mood, the next he was a crying wreck. Usually he could feel his mood change slightly, but this he had no warning for at all. It had just happened.

"Take your time," the voice answered. It made him calm down even more to hear that it wasn't a stupid thing to do. He took a few deep breaths and coughed slightly in embarrassment. It was five minutes before he found his voice again.

"Sorry. I really didn't mean to do that. I don't know what happened," he apologised into the phone, rubbing at his eyes as he did so to try and clear them of the stickiness that he could feel from drying tears.

"You don't have to apologise for crying."

"No, but you could be with someone. I just...I suppose I didn't think of it."

There was a short silence form the other end. "Why did you call?"

The Doctor blinked. Why? Well, he knew that one at least. "Umm, trauma...I got myself into a bit of a situation and haven't been able to shake it off. I normally can, but this was...different somehow."

"Normally?"

He closed his eyes and sighed loudly. "Yeah, my...job for lack of a better word doesn't exactly mean much for settling down, and having a quiet life. Most of the time I might be bothered by the things that happen, but I learnt to adapt and deal with it a long time ago. This was...not something I can do that with. I don't really understand why. I've been in a lot of dangerous situations, but barely anything has caused a reaction like this in me."

Truth was important, Donna had said. Crazy or not, he had decided as soon as he was having this person listen to him that he would say the truth. He hadn't really spoken to Martha about this type of thing though and so only had one opinion to go by.

Psychology he wasn't very familiar in. The mind to him was an open book if he was allowed in. Talking about things hadn't really seemed normal before, especially when his people still existed. Back then he had been able to feel their minds in his own. Sure, he doubted they would have helped him if he had needed it, hell they had thought he was crazy anyway and shunned him because of it. He had thought of it before, what it would be like if his people didn't exist, or if they would just leave him alone. When it had happened reality felt like it had snapped.

"Hello?" the voice on the other line said, and the Doctor shook his head to clear it of the thoughts of his people.

"Yeah, sorry. Did you say something?"

"Do you do that often?"

The Doctor blinked. He was sure now that he had missed something. "Umm, do what exactly?"

"Zone out. One minute you were talking and the next silence."

A sigh of relief crossed his lips. He had thought he had missed something important. Apparently not. Probably only his name being called. "Not really, no. Usually people are more than likely telling me to shut up, cause I talk a lot. I have a bad habit of babbling on about nothing when I am excited about something, or nervous, or I think it's too quiet. It isn't my best quality. Well, unless you happen to be of a race who reveres people who can talk fast and long about nothing in particular. There are a few out there you know. They seem to like me. Well, unless they're also empathic and then they generally stay as far away as possible. I give them headaches...and I'm giving you an absolutely marvellous example of it right now. Sorry."

A chuckle was heard in his ear, and he grinned. This talking thing on the phone wasn't so bad, even if he was babbling utter nonsense because of how nervous he was.

"Why did you call?"

His mood shifted again so suddenly he had to sit down on the captain's seat to stop himself from falling. It wasn't even nerves this time, but pure, simple fear. Why was he calling? "Because I can't do this anymore. Martha gave me your number not long ago. Martha Jones. It was hard enough asking for that."

Silence was his answer for that, and he shifted slightly, wondering if he was even doing the right thing in calling in the first place. Sighing, he shook his head, even though he knew the man couldn't see it. "This was stupid. I don't know what I'm doing half the time."

"Do you find it hard to talk about?"

He huffed at that. "What do you think? Yes. I told Donna after it happened. I don't think I couldn't _not_ tell her right then. I just...I was almost killed and in the circumstances involved, was unable to do anything to save myself. Four others had lost their lives. One to save me..."

"Have you told anyone else?"

He sighed. How much of this was going to be done over the phone. Wasn't this supposed to be done in person? And would this be considered something to add to a file. The thought of having everything he said written down made him fidget. "Yes. Jack a few days ago, and Martha earlier today. I owed them that at least. Both times left me embarrassed...for different reasons, but still embarrassed."

There was a pause for a few long seconds. "Can you tell me why?"

This time he snorted. "Oh, hell no. I really don't want to. It's...kind of personal. Both times."

"Alright. Do you know why it was embarrassing to you?"

He laughed then, the idea that he couldn't remember his actions either time was kind of funny, because he did remember, all too vividly. "Yes. Very much so. I think between what happened both times I've managed to embarrass not only myself but a few others with my reactions."

"Were you embarrassed with Donna?"

He shook his head, and remembered it couldn't be seen. "No. I was still in a shocked state. I don't really remember what I said for the rest of that day. I think since then, I've repeated several conversations."

"Forgetting things?"

"Not really forgetting as just...not really paying attention. Or paying too much attention. I kind of have a hard time with public transport now..."

"Panic attack?"

"Yeah."

"Anything else, worrying you?"

He jumped off the seat and started pacing, the TARDIS trying unsuccessfully to calm his suddenly racing mind. "Yeah. Yes. Umm, I have had a few bloody horrid flashbacks. I had four panic attacks on the first day. I'm worrying my friends because I'm not eating right. I'm sleeping too much and having nightmares. I've lost track of time. Me! I _don't_ lose track of time. It's near enough impossible for that to happen. Umm, let me think..."

He didn't want to say any more. Not right now. He just wanted to hang up and go out where the others were and try to lose himself in idle conversations, jokes, and maybe if he was really lucky, a call would be given out for them to go hunt some alien beastie across Cardiff.

He was getting the nervous energy he got with staying in a place too long. He needed to do something, anything to make this all just go away. Move on and forget, like he was used to doing.

It might not be the best thing, but it was the only coping mechanism he had been able to employ for his life and what he did.

All he wanted was to just travel. Why did he always end up in a bad situation? He had taken Donna to Midnight to have a holiday from the monsters and the running. She had gotten that, and in return had to look after him, the mess that he was.

"Everything's so messed up and hard!"

He really hadn't intended on saying that last bit out loud, but he couldn't help it. The words had burst out of him without his wanting them to. He couldn't even control what he said anymore.

He fell to his knees on the hard grating that made up the TARDIS's floor. He couldn't get enough air into his lungs, even with his respiratory bypass.

"Sir, try breathing properly. You're hyperventilating."

It took 10 minutes for him to calm down. His chest hurt and he rubbed at it almost obsessively. His hearts were thudding terribly hard behind his ribcage. He had been afraid he was going to have a double coronary for a second.

"Ow. My chest hurts. And I didn't mean to do that. I really, _really_ didn't."

"I think we can stop this now, yes?"

The Doctor nodded again. "Yeah."

"Would you like to set up an actual appointment? Or call back later?"

A light blush began to march across his face. He had forgotten to do that to begin with, and was probably the reason for the secretary to begin with. Of course. The man would be busy with his job. He was bound to have someone to write down messages and things like that. "Yeah, alright."

"Does 9am Friday next week sound good? I'm free most of the morning, so don't worry about time."

"Alright. Sure, any time really. You might have to call me though to say when. I might be...anywhere by then. If I'm lucky. I won't be late though, promise."

He glared at the inside of his ship and heard her send him warm feelings of love. She'd get him there on time, as soon as the call came. He didn't know whether to be pleased, or terrified at the prospect of it.

"What's your telephone number and your name?"

"I'm the Doctor." He gave his personal number, the one to the TARDIS phone. The one on the console. He didn't think anyone really had his mobile number since he didn't really use it very often, unless it was an emergency. The TARDIS would more easily tell him about the phone ringing too.

He was oddly grateful that the man didn't tell him Doctor wasn't a name but a title, or some such other thing.

"I'll see you Friday then. Goodbye and try to look after yourself."

"Alright, thanks. Oh! Umm, what's your name?"

"Jeremy, but most people call me Mr. Thompson, Doctor Thompson, or sir."

"Alright. Thank you. Bye."

He hung up before he asked any more questions.

Oddly enough, even after his panic attack, now that an appointment was set he felt a little better. A bit like he would shake in his boots come Friday, but rather less like he was alone in this. That Friday was a little over a week away. He could keep himself occupied until then, even if he was stuck on Earth.

All he was going to do was test it out anyway. If it didn't work out, then he'd just have to dump the idea, because there wasn't another therapist that could deal with an alien in this day and age. And as Martha had said earlier, he really was more comfortable in the here and now.

* * *

Donna decided at the beginning of the day, when Tom had been nice to the Doctor in a personal crisis, that she liked Martha's fiancé. He was calm, collected, and when he got to talking, rather fun. And he hadn't made fun of the Doctor, which made her feel better about him being around her, because she really wouldn't put up with anyone poking fun at someone she cared about.

The Doctor had shown her so much. The least she could do in return was to make sure he looked after himself and was as well as he was going to get for a while. For the last few days, he had definitely taken a turn for the worst. At least for the first few days after it had happened he had eaten anything she had brought in for him.

And then he had gotten the guts up to venture outside. Yet again, that had set off a flashback. How awful it must feel to not be able to open up a door just because it opened up to whatever was outside.

He had no problems with other doors. And the TARDIS was indulging him that one by opening her main doors outside for him before he entered the console room. She doubted somehow that that was good, but had no idea how to tell the TARDIS that, or even if it was the right thing to do.

She sighed loudly at that last thought. She'd have to have a talk with this psychiatrist just to tell him what she knew. It might help the man look after the Doctor better.

Would a psychiatrist know how to deal with those kinds of phobias, or would that be a psychologist.

She always got those two muddled up.

What was the difference anyway?

A hand fell on her knee and made her jump slightly. She looked over to Tom, who was watching her intently. It took her a few seconds to remember he was a doctor. He could probably see that this was not good for anyone, including her. Damn him for that. "What?" she snapped, moving her leg sharply away from him. He took the hint and let go.

"You care a lot about him."

She glared. Well, duh! Of course she did. "He's my best mate. Will never have another one like him, never had one like him to begin with. He's like...an annoying younger brother, except much older than me, and is a different species."

"Mate as in friend, or mate as in sexual partner?"

She let her head hit the wall behind her, but not hard, just to see if she was still awake. How come everyone looked at her and the Doctor and immediately thought they were lovers? "Just friends. We will always be nothing but just friends. I am in no way sexually attracted to him. He's not attracted that way to me. For one, he is far too skinny. And he talks too much. I like a boyfriend to be non chatty."

Tom nodded and grinned at her. "How do you know he's not attracted to you?"

"Cause the only person I know of who has ever gotten his attention that way is Rose, and he's still missing her way too much to even try to start another relationship."

Tom nodded slightly. "Martha mentioned a Rose."

Donna glared at him. "Oh Martha did, did she? Far as I have heard she wouldn't even let him speak of her. What he needed was a friend. Someone he could talk to. No wonder he's always trying to pretend he's alright. He's been taught time and again, by humans most likely, that he can't feel because he's alien."

The man beside her, damn him, smiled at her and nodded. "He does act human."

"Most of the time. Sometimes he acts so alien you wonder how you forgot he's not. He has these rules too, about time. I don't think they're personal rules though, just something to make travelling in time more safe, but sometimes they suck."

"What rules this then?" Martha asked, finished with her talk with Toshiko, and the two women joined them in the talk. "Don't wander off? He's fond of that one."

Donna stared and shook her head. "No. The ones of whether or not a point in time is fixed or in flux. Flux...I can't believe I just said that in a normal conversation..." Shaking he head she sighed. "I had to help him do it, he froze..."

"Do what?" Tosh asked, taking her computer chair and sitting in it.

"Time, an important event, one that can't be changed...was going to change. The only way to stop it was to kill 20 000 people. 20 000 humans, and I helped end their lives."

Silence fell upon them all, and the only thing that broke it was when the hub door opened and Ianto, Jack and Owen walked in. Owen with a look of irritated frustration on his face.

At spotting them, Owen went to join them, eager for a bit of silence by the look of it. After a few seconds, he got up again and made his way into the makeshift morgue. He didn't say a word the entire time.

Ianto and Jack didn't seem too worried though. Maybe there had been a bit of a scene, involving sex and two men together and Owen walking in on it...

Donna rolled her eyes at her own thoughts, before she got up and stretched. It had been a half hour now, and she didn't think it took this long to make a phone call to set an appointment. "I'm going to see how he's doing..." she stated out loud, before walking over to where the TARDIS was parked in Jack's office.

She saw him through the open doors, lying on the grating, not too far away from the door. He looked simultaneously relieved and worried. His eyes were slightly red, which made her think he'd been crying at one point, but not in the last few minutes, since his face and eyes were dry, and he looked too pale, even for him.

He looked up at her and a small smile formed on his lips. "Hello. I fell and don't want to get up, though this isn't the most comfortable place to be," he said in a way of a greeting, and she chuckled, closing the door behind her as she entered fully. She didn't want anyone else to see the Doctor like this than need be, because he wasn't being himself.

Well, he had a bloody good reason for it. She hoped he did actually make the call. "Did you set up a time?"

He nodded and the look on his face turned to relief and nervousness. "Yeah, Friday next week, bright and early. He wanted the morning free to get to know me. I think that's what he meant. He said he had time free so we could talk then. I don't know whether to be glad I finally called and that's over with, or throw up from nerves at the thought of going."

Donna shook her head and grinned, holding out her hand for him to take. Heaving him off the ground was easy, since he weighed practically nothing. "Keep your lunch in your stomach, and I'll put something else in there. You're having dinner tonight, I don't care what you say to it."

He looked at her with wide innocent eyes and grinned. "Yes mum." He wiped the innocent look off his face but kept the grin. "Can we have chips? I like chips. Haven't had chips in a while."

A little kid is what he was. If he wanted something that was exactly how he acted, but yet again, he was asking for food here, and it was something he had been depriving himself of lately. "Fine, chips then. I can have Ianto call and get them delivered to the information desk."

"I'll meet you in the kitchen then."

She should have guessed he wasn't up to company just then. Poor sod was still probably bashing himself up in his head for what happened earlier. He was like that. She'll try and talk to him when she got back inside.

"Want me to invite Jack and Martha in as well, or not?" she asked, just to make sure she had heard what he was implying properly. He might not let her back in otherwise.

"No. I just want a quiet night inside the TARDIS. Guess I was a little bit lost without her. Still, can't be helped, she has one of hers to look after now. Should be good when it's grown, but that takes hundreds if not thousands of years. It's just the jump starting now, making sure its growing right, that kind of thing. Should be able to go again soon enough."

She smiled and nodded. The Doctor, bless him, was getting itchy feet. He really did hate to stay in one place for too long. Hopefully their first trip after Midnight was somewhere that will make him feel a bit more like his normal self. Something involving running, but not terrifying. Hmm, shopping. An alien shopping place sounded good. Try different foods, different types of clothes, different drinks. "Alright. See you in a bit then, spaceman."

He smiled at her and went into the corridors of the TARDIS, hopefully towards the kitchen like he had said.

She had noticed his preference of trying to sleep lately. And apart from last night, which he had slept right through and whenever he was on moving transport, he never got enough. And last night was probably a fluke because his body had needed to repair itself.

Ah well, at least it was a true, proper sleep and he had been looking better in colour since then.

She exited the TARDIS and found Jack at his desk, gently running his hands over the piece of coral that was the beginnings of a new TARDIS. He was frowning at her. "How is he?"

She frowned right back. "He's better than he was. Wants chips of all things. I said I'd go get Ianto to get some for him."

"That was started by Rose, the chips. It's comfort food."

Nodding, Donna closing the blue doors behind her. She knew automatically that the TARDIS wouldn't let anyone but her in. She didn't know what to feel about that, but the Doctor did want a bit of peace and quiet. She'd do her best to let him have that at least. Just the two of them.

"Ianto's down in the morgue trying to calm Owen down."

Nodding again, she left the office and went down to where she could hear the loud angry voice of Owen.

"Bloody hell! No!"

"It would just be this once, Owen."

"I said no! I'm fine, I don't need it."

Silence filled the hub after that, and Donna had the odd urge to knock on the wall before entering the medic's area. In the end, she didn't bother, because after a few silent minutes, Ianto came out of his own accord, shaking his head.

He didn't look too angry, more worried than anything else. She doubted the worry was for the Doctor. "Yes?" he asked, seeing her standing there like a useless lump of a woman.

"Umm, yeah, chips. For dinner, you know. To eat."

A sigh left the man and he nodded. "For two I'm guessing?"

"Yeah. Thanks." She hadn't really thought that he might do more in this job than be an errand boy. Though he did make the best cup of coffee. And seemed to clean up after everyone. And had called for the pizzas.

She peeked into the morgue, to see Owen shaking his head, and furiously scribbling in a book. There was a sheet over what she very much thought was a human body. She left him to it, going back to Jack's office to wait.

"What the hell was that about, anyway?" she asked the man at his desk. Jack closed his eyes and shook his head.

"I told him that since Martha's here, he should be scanned and run through tests again, to see if he has lost any of his functions. He's not too thrilled with the idea. He wasn't the first time either. That's how he got the cut on his hand. It was a stupid accident which happened because he wasn't paying attention. Being dead it won't heal."

She nodded. She knew that Owen was dead, but not the how or why. It was mildly interesting, and a whole lot disturbing. "How'd he break the fingers? Was that an accident too?"

"No. He did that to prove a point. He wasn't thinking straight though. He also tried to drown himself."

They lapsed off into silence, Jack doing what oddly looked like paperwork, while she seated herself down against the TARDIS doors.

7 minutes later, Ianto was back holding a steaming bag of chips. Either there was a chip shop really close to the information centre, or Torchwood had a cook in Ianto too.

With a smile and a thank you, she stood, grabbed the chips and made her way back into the TARDIS.

She'd try to make this a good night for the Doctor.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry this chapter has taken longer than others to go up, but I got sick and could barely think, let alone write a readable sentence. It's a little longer than most to make up for that, and because Donna and Martha just did _not_ want to stop chatting merrily away like old friends.

Chapter Eleven

The TARDIS didn't shift the kitchen closer to where he was, so he ended up asking where it was instead, finding that she had put it on the other side of Donna's bedroom. Why it was there was anyone's guess, because it hadn't been there last time he had used it, and normally it was the quickest place to find.

It took him a minute to get there, and he found he was actually glad of the short walk, as it made him feel a bit more energetic, and put on the kettle for tea. He could have gone for something a bit stronger, but he doubted very much whether anyone would talk to him if he decided to drink alcohol instead. Not that it affected him like it did humans.

Well, not if he didn't want it to anyway. He could clean it easily enough from his system.

Or at least he used to be able to, he hadn't tried since...when was the last time he had drank alcohol? Oh yes, Agatha Christie, and then he'd gotten poisoned too.

Hmm, maybe he needed a good detox to lift his spirits. It always made him feel a bit high, though he did end up with that god awful taste in his mouth afterwards. Yet again, he had been doing utterly stupid things all day. And then he had been on the phone to who was supposed to help him through his troubles.

Would a human even be able to understand him? He wasn't even the same species, and it wasn't like xenobiology and xenopsychotherapy had really been invented yet. A little later on, perhaps, but not now, in this day and age. And especially not yet for this little blue and green planet.

Maybe his main problem at the moment was thinking too much...

Sighing, and hearing the jug boiling, he poured two cups of tea out, hoping Donna would be back before it got too cold, and sat at the table. He shovelled in two teaspoons of sugar and added milk, like he normally had it nowadays, and sipped at the hot liquid.

The rush of warmth made him smile, close his eyes, and wish that it would last forever. It was...nice. Nice in a way that hadn't happened to him since Midnight. He wanted to relax and enjoy himself for once since that damned planet, and he would get that, or he would go nuts.

He had drank only half the tea when Donna showed up in the kitchen, frowning slightly, but holding still steaming chips in a bag. He grinned at her and gestured towards the table. "I made you tea. Still warm too, lucky. Like the chips. How'd you get them here so fast?"

Donna shrugged, put the chips down in the middle of a plate waiting on the table and grabbed at the cup on her side of the table. "Dunno, luck like you said. Why's the kitchen here though?"

Shrugging, the Doctor finished off his tea and started eating at the chips, one by one. They'd get colder faster, or at least he wouldn't feel as though he had eaten as much, but he was being over methodical. He was afraid if he ate too much he'd be sick, he was afraid if he didn't eat at all that Donna would be unhappy. It was a line somewhere in between.

With Donna picking at them too though, he felt better for it. And they were nice chips.

They were gone within five minutes, and he felt full and calm and very much more in control of himself. And considering his day, he was glad of one thing he could control like that, no matter how small or silly it may be.

"You know, we really don't do this as often as we should," Donna stated, and he jumped slightly, as he really hadn't expected her to start speaking, because the silence had been comfortable.

He grinned. "What, have dinner with me, and relax? Maybe. I don't really feel like I do too much of the relaxing part, but there are places in the universe I like to go alone and just...take a break. Most of which are uninhabited planets, or I just...cruise around in the vortex without any destination in mind."

She rolled her eyes and smiled back at him, with that smile that says she had a plan. "Well, come on then. One relaxing evening coming up. How about we do what most normal sleepovers have and go watch a movie or something. You have a DVD collection on here, I know you do. We can do the comedy route tonight. Always up for a good laugh, yeah?"

Nodding, he got up from the table, getting rid of the mess they had made and dumping the plate on the counter near the sink. "Sounds like the best kind of plan to have. You're brilliant Donna, don't let anyone else ever tell you anything but that. Even me."

The smile turned into the kind that made him notice that there was something special in what they had. It wasn't sexual; it wasn't even the friendliest of looks. But it made him feel like he belonged somewhere and she was indulging him on a whim. He felt like he had family again with her. A big sister.

And right then, he could really use family.

He caught himself blinking furiously for a few seconds, before he turned around and grinned back, because he refused to get upset over something as silly as a thought tonight. It was a fun night. A laughing night. A night to grin and roll eyes and point out the silly mistakes that can be found in certain genres of movies everywhere.

By the time they had moved into Donna's room, which now housed a television set which hadn't been there before, he was feeling comfortable with himself again.

He found though, that once they had a movie in and playing (a sci-fi comedy) that he couldn't concentrate on it. Donna kept on glancing at him, every time he had missed a moment that he knew was supposed to be funny, but just didn't seem like it at the time. Either he had no sense of humour, as Donna had told him on a few occasions, or right now he just wasn't into what they were actually doing.

Within five minutes, Donna threw her hands in the air, grabbed at the remote which was on the bed in front of them and turned it off. "I'm sorry, alright. I know you're feeling like crap, but you don't have to suck the fun out of every idea I have."

He shifted slightly and turned to her, seeing that she was in the same position as him, splayed out on her stomach with her legs in the air, he shook his head. "Sorry. I think it's a good idea, I really do, but I think it isn't so much me as my concentration that is shot up right now. I just...can't seem to catch the right moments."

"It's mindless Doctor, hence the point of it. You're supposed to joke about and not know what the hell is going on!"

He flipped from his stomach to his back, his head going from the foot of the bed to the pillows, and lay down a bit more comfortably. "I'm sorry. I am. I really am. I've had an extremely bad day, and all I want right now is to just relax. It's like I've forgotten how to though. You don't have to make me feel stupid for it."

Donna let out a loud sigh and flopped down next to him, propping herself up with one arm. "I'm sorry. I know you've had a bad day. You're lashing out, and that's fine. It's _normal _Doctor. Get angry, get sad, laugh, cry, and hit your bloody pillows. I didn't mean to make you feel stupid."

He couldn't help it. A grin formed on his face and he lifted one of his hands to land in her hair. "Oh, Donna...I'm so very glad you're here."

She froze at that, wondering perhaps about his response. He let himself roll a little towards her, hoping not to scare her off, but wanting her to understand right then, just why he was feeling better. "It's just as you said though, right? Normal? It doesn't really feel like that, and yeah I suppose I am taking that out on everyone. And yes, I am taking it out on myself too, I know, I'll try not to do so from now on if it makes you feel better. It's just...I feel like every time anyone else is around me that they are walking around me like I'm made of eggshell. One wrong thing will just make me shatter into a billion pieces."

She nodded quietly and frowned. "Will you?"

"Well, no. Not that I know of. Would be pretty uncomfortable to be put back together again too for that matter. It's just...everyone looks at me like I am going to go into some form of meltdown, and will never be able to get out of it again. I might break down, yeah, I'd like to see them try living like this...but that doesn't mean I'll stay down. I think I've proven that much already haven't I?"

And now that he had started, he realised that he had more to say, and more inventive ways of saying it. "You worry too, I know you do, and I'm glad that you are looking after me, because I wouldn't be much use to anyone if it wasn't for you. But you don't treat me differently. You treat me like me. You yell, you hit, you joke around...it means a lot to me. You're the only one that makes me feel even remotely close to my normal self right now."

"Wait," she said, eyeing him suspiciously. "You're happy right now, because I am treating you like I always do? And no one else is? How the hell did Jack treat you before? And Martha. Oh, Martha...I kind of yelled some things out about her earlier. I shouldn't have said what I did, but I couldn't help it..."

The Doctor couldn't help himself, he moved closer until he was cuddling up to her side and grinned. "See? That's the Donna I know."

She hit him hard in the arm, and shouted out a loud and brash "Get off me!"

He got off.

"Well! Either way, glad to see you really smile again. Haven't seen that in a while. Or it feels like a while anyway."

He lay himself back down again, on his back, staring at the ceiling and shrugged awkwardly from the position. "Not really much to smile about lately. But it is good to just try and relax."

Donna sat up suddenly and grinned. "I got an idea. Roll over."

He turned to look at her slightly confused, and she held out her hands and made little gestures with her fingers. "Come on, roll over. I'll give you a massage; get some of those kinks out of your back and shoulders. It'll make you relax."

Ah, a massage. For a second there, he thought she actually wanted to pretend he was a typewriter or use him as a keyboard. Well, he might as well give it a try anyway. He let himself roll back over so he was on his stomach, and Donna sighed loudly. "Wanna try taking your shirt off first, Doctor, it'll make it better. I'm not going any lower than that, so you can keep your pants on."

Sitting up enough to unbutton and pull off his shirt, he laid himself back down and waited. He wasn't expecting it to actually hurt, so when she begun the massage, the first thing he did was yelp loudly, jump up and bat her arms away. "What the hell was that for?!"

She smirked at him. "Oh, come on. Massage is to help ease out the tension in your muscles. You're tense. It hurts a bit before it begins to feel good. Come on, back down."

Reluctantly, he let himself flop back to his stomach, trying to find a position which didn't tense muscle as much in his shoulders and neck region, which was where she was at the moment. He ended up on his stomach with his arms around one of her pillows, which he had his head on. It took a long half hour of different levels of pain, before his muscles began to unclench from whatever position they had formed into after years of use and wear and tear. A low moan escaped him. "Mmm, that does feel good..."

"God, you're tense..." Donna stated from above him, as she moved down to his back muscles and begun to knead out the kinks. And there was the pain again. Was she going to get one part of him relaxed only to go to the next tense area right after he was only just beginning to enjoy it? Well, that was mighty nice of her...

It wasn't until she had worked out all the kinks she was going to get out, when she went about making sure to go over him again, this time for the relaxing way it felt, and not for the art of getting rid of stress. Within five minutes he was sure he had never felt this good in his life. He was loose and he felt like he was just going to fall right into a sea of good feelings.

He shifted slightly, trying to get comfortable a little further down, and Donna snorted above him. He really didn't care right then. "What? Physiological response...normal..."

She laughed, and the noise while rather jarring sometimes, just made him relax even further. "Yeah. You're not the first guy I've done this to. I'll take it as a compliment."

He tried chuckling, and only got out a low hum instead and the goofy smile on his face felt like it was there to stay for the rest of eternity. "You have magic in those fingers..."

She kept it up, until he couldn't stay awake from the sensations it was making him feel, and he fell into a nice, deep sleep. By the time he woke up the next day, Donna had left him a note saying she was out in the Hub. He decided to let her have whatever bit of fun she could have. He felt too good to waste the day. The TARDIS needed a bit of maintenance done on her stabilizers.

* * *

Martha and Tom had camped out in Jack's little room for the night, while Ianto had taken Jack to his flat. It was a good arrangement for all involved, giving her and her fiancé a place to stay for free, and Ianto and Jack time alone.

She knew Jack too well not to know that he'd be alright with them sleeping there, and for the first time in weeks, Martha found herself satisfied and feeling good about herself. Work had been tense lately for Tom, if not her, and whenever they had been together, they had never found the time to actually be 'together'.

They didn't really take much time to be wild and adventurous in bed, but last night had been all about fun and letting themselves relax. Knowing that Jack wouldn't care seemed to make it even better. She had sex last night in ways she probably never would again, and had enjoyed every second of it. At least Jack had plenty of protection around.

Tom stirred beside her, and his hands started to rub up and down her back. His chuckle could be felt through her body, as he held her close. "That...was a very nice night and we should do it much more often."

Martha smiled widely and laid her head on his chest to hear his heart beating. Sometimes it was always good to have a reminder that he was still there and alive, especially after a good night. She could only all too clearly see him dead.

"I couldn't agree with you more. Should it be doctor's orders then? Cause I think we have that covered between the both of us."

"I think it should."

They kissed and parted, knowing that if they didn't move it by the time Jack got back, then the owner of the room would come down if for no other reason than to see them both naked. Oddly enough, it didn't really worry her when it was Jack. If Ianto followed him though, she would die of embarrassment.

And she didn't know how Tom would react either. She hadn't really explained much about Jack to Tom.

There was always time for that later though. Right now, she just needed to have a shower and get dressed. Thankfully, she knew that the wardrobe on the TARDIS would accommodate her and Tom for fresh clothing.

Her top had been ruined last night in their rush to get undressed, so she was stuck wearing Tom's until she found one for herself. That was alright though. If anything, Tom got to show off his body, and nothing pleased her more than knowing that the handsome man by her side was soon to be hers for the rest of her life.

She stood on her toes and kissed him, before stepping up into the hub main.

Donna, Gwen and Toshiko were staring at Tosh's computer screen like it held the answers to the universe. "Morning!" she stated, walking up to them and peeking over the shoulder of Donna to see what the woman was doing. She was disappointed to see it was nothing but a file opened on a word document.

A list of words that made no sense whatsoever happened to be written, with no sense of grammar or punctuation, across the page. It hurt her eyes trying to read it, so she lowered them to look at the table instead. It was there she saw the original list of words written exactly the same as they were on the screen. Martha raised her eyebrows at this and asked what she was dying to know. "What's this about then?"

"100 words per minute. Super temp," Donna stated smugly, cracking her knuckles after she said it.

Gwen looked at her with wide eyes and smiled. "She's telling the truth too, you know. She really can type 100 words a minute."

She couldn't help it. With the drama that had been going on around her recently, a silly thing like proving you could type 100 words a minute sounded quite fun. "Really? I'm lucky if I can type 60, and that's with all the mistakes still included. How'd you learn that anyway?"

"Just...my special talent. Not much good for anything else, and I temp a lot. Just a skill I picked up I suppose," Donna replied, shrugging her shoulders and scrunching up the original word list into a ball and throwing it in a nearby trashcan. Martha wondered how someone who travelled with the Doctor could have such a low opinion of themselves.

Sure, she had always been confident in her own abilities, always knew she wanted to be a doctor since she was a kid, and had been especially good at keeping her family from completely and utterly falling into ruins around her.

Having met Donna's family yesterday, Martha couldn't really see what the problem was, though the entire time had been spent trying to settle the Doctor down after he told her his story.

"How is he?" she asked, and Donna immediately knew that she was the one being talked to, and that the Doctor was the one in question. Martha couldn't help it though, she was genuinely worried about him.

Gwen turned to look away, rummaging about on her desk further away from them in a version of privacy, while Tosh stayed close by, listening out for the reply too.

"He's...he was sleeping. Went out like a log last night and was still out when I left. Sleeping too much he is, but when he isn't he suffers nightmares like no one should. At least he went to sleep clutching a pillow. Saved me from having him cling to me like a limpet during the night."

Martha wondered what it would be like to have someone clinging to you, for both emotional and physical support, and realised that it was a very friendly thing to do. She was actually glad it wasn't her. Not that she wasn't the Doctor's friend, because she was, but because she was afraid that she'd take it entirely the wrong way and think it sexual.

Donna didn't. The parameters were set and they were staying that way for both of them. Envy flared in her, and she sniffed. "Oh, I'm sure you didn't like him clinging to you."

"We don't normally cuddle up with each other for fun. I let him stay there because it was the first good sleep he'd had in a week. Or else he'd be off me in a microsecond. Why, jealous? Thought your little crush was over with."

And she knew that Donna had been told about that, but to have it thrown in her face so callously _hurt_. For a few seconds she gawked at the older woman in front of her, before clamping her jaw for a few seconds and smiling. "I'm happier now with Tom than I've been with anyone, including with the Doctor. He made me miserable Donna. Utterly miserable, because I knew he didn't care about me like that, but I couldn't help but love him."

Folding her hands under her chest, Donna glared at her, and Martha wondered if the ginger haired woman in front of her knew how intimidating that look was. "He needed a friend. You were never that to him. You pushed him into trying for more, and he couldn't give it. He didn't treat you like rubbish. He was grieving. What he needed was someone to confide in, to talk to. And you never let him talk. He saw how much the name Rose upset you and slammed those doors shut."

Martha raised her eyebrows at that again, and let out a little laugh of black humour. "Oh, I'm sure you know all about Rose then, yeah? I know she travelled with him and she was a blonde. That's all I need to know to know that she was like a dozen other girls you can find in London."

Donna shook her head and sighed. "You don't get it do you? Rose wasn't just another girl to him. He was in love with her. Still is. Anyone could see that. He keeps a picture of her in one of those pockets of his. He was so utterly devastated when she was taken away from him, he burnt up a sun to get enough power to say goodbye to her. I met him right after that. He'd been crying a river shortly before I showed up in the TARDIS. Shortly after I said no to him too I'm betting. And he was so angry. He was angry with himself and with Torchwood and with everything. He murdered the last Racnoss queen and her babies right in front of me. Probably would have stayed down there and drowned himself if I hadn't been there to stop him."

And Martha couldn't even think of a reply to that. Not because she didn't know the Doctor's love for Rose, because she did. She had been selfish and a bitch about that, yes, and probably would have done better to have let him talk it through, but that wasn't what worried her right then.

Drowning himself did. Because if it was any indication to go by, he had tried that yesterday too.

"He tried to get himself killed when he was with me once. Daleks. They were the ones he fought in the Time War that ended up with him alone. He screamed at them, over and over to just kill him, to get it over and done with. At that moment, I think he really meant it too."

Donna frowned. "He's a bit more open now. He'll cry if he's upset about something. Except if he's _really_ upset about something. He refuses to let himself grieve properly. Jenny he hasn't cried over. You weren't there for River, but he didn't cry over her either."

"River?"

"Yeah, future companion. He met her for the first time, but she had known him for a long while. Accidentally got a younger version of the Doctor instead of hers. Or something like that. Rubbish, travelling through time and trying to keep track of...anything."

And just like that, as if it had never happened, the argument they were having was over. Donna had obviously had her say and was moving on to other things right quick. Martha laughed and shook her head. "Tell me about it. I was once stuck with him in the year 1969. I had to get a job to support us while he pulled scraps together from everything he could find to make what he called his 'timey wimey detector'. As he put it 'It goes ding when there's stuff'. Very scientific and informative of him."

Donna grinned at her then, and closed her eyes. "He is such a _child_ sometimes."

"Oh, he's only _sometimes_ a child with you?"

With a slight shrug, Donna smirked. "Well, there was that time when he played detective. And health inspector and businessman of the future, and hmm, ooh! Can't forget him being all 'I have the say of what goes on here Sir! Don't tell me what to do. I think I'll go blow them up, because I'm feeling slightly self destructive today!'"

"He really does need the help. I'm glad he's finally doing something about that. Wonder why I didn't say anything about it. Though I did call him mad a few times, but after finding out he was an alien...I just thought it was, you know...normal for his species."

Donna rolled her eyes. "Nothing with him is normal. And it isn't because he's an alien. It's just him. He's hyperactive, he's impulsive, and he's bloody stupid for a genius. He annoys the hell out of me sometimes. But at the same time, things I do annoy him right back. We fight. But...I know that it's been helping him. He's been slowly opening up. He told me a bit about how he felt when he lost his kids in the Time War, when Jenny was still alive. God, he won't talk about her though. Gets defensive if the name is mentioned anywhere near him."

Martha nodded, thinking that she understood that one. Jenny was still a bit close for him. And he hates feeling grief more than any other person she knew, and everyone hates going through grief. "Her loss is still too recent. Didn't happen that long ago here on Earth, probably not too long ago for you two either."

Donna shrugged. "Dunno, a few months maybe."

"Well, hopefully that will be worked through with the therapist. He needs grief work like no one else I have met."

"I did that when my dad died. Hated every second."

"Mm, with my family its trauma."

"Yeah, this valiant thing. You told me on the phone."

Nodding, Martha sighed and stepped closer to the TARDIS. "Think she'll let me in? I've still got some clothes on board that I'd like to grab. Give Tom his shirt back."

Donna shrugged again, and shook her head. "Dunno, last night she wouldn't, but he was in a good mood when he went to sleep, and if he's awake still might be so. So, go check."

Going over to the TARDIS, she put in her key and smiled, gently patting the door, when it opened for her, letting her inside. The first thing she noticed was that the Doctor was up. The second thing was that he was still in pyjamas. The third was that he was busy getting dirty under the console, tinkering away with his ship.

"Morning! Come to get some clothes. My shirt was...ripped last night."

He popped his head up out of the grating, saw what she was wearing and smirked. "Interesting night. Sure. Your room's still here, and if you don't find anything in there, try the wardrobe."

As she went off to get clothes, she felt more relaxed than she had coming in here. The Doctor was up and about and acting like his normal cheery self again. While she knew that it wouldn't last long, and if it did he was a brilliant actor, better than she had ever given him credit for, at least his mood was better than it had been yesterday.

If he had still been down, still been sleeping even, she would be worried twice as much as she had been yesterday after hearing what had happened to him, and how he was handling it. His resiliency was shining through, trying its hardest to bump him back up, but not even that seemed to help for long periods of time.

Still, at least he had resilience, and he at least has the sense this time around to ask for help.

It gave her hope that the therapy sessions would actually work for him.


	12. Chapter 12

This feels so much like a filler chapter to me, but yet again, chapter 16 of I Miss My Mind The Most did as well, and I've been told that is everything but. I'm telling you, that plot twist they think I threw in was already established, they just didn't see it, which is hilarious, considering the story :P

In this story though...the Doctor suffers through more major mood swings, and Martha helps him with the TARDIS, who is treated very badly.

Chapter Twelve

The TARDIS made sure that her room and the wardrobe were the two closest places from the console room. It made it a lot easier for her to find what she was looking for; mainly, her clothes. Still in the drawers in her room were tops, socks, underwear and a few pairs of trousers and jeans.

Not knowing whether anything was going to be done that day, and realising she would have to call work to say an emergency came up, and she was with Torchwood for a few days, Martha decided that she would stay with the Doctor for at least today before going back home.

It was the least she could do, really. She felt responsible for him having had a bad day yesterday.

She chose one of her baggier shirts and a pair of dark blue trousers. If the Doctor could run around all day in his pyjamas then she could run around in these. She went to the wardrobe room next, and chose a pair of jeans and a shirt out for Tom to wear.

At least they'd be fresh and bright eyed for whatever happened next.

"Martha! Could you help me a sec?" came the shouted voice of the Doctor from the console, and smiling, she made her way back in there. The first thing she did was laugh loudly at what she saw. What she saw was his feet, poking out of the grating, kicking madly, as he tried to free himself from the tight spot he had managed to get himself stuck in.

Grabbing at his feet, she dragged them a bit, hoping he was able to free himself, and with luck, he gave a little "Ha!" of accomplishment, and told her to stop. "Got it. Bloody thing got stuck, but it had to go. Need to go get the replacement..."

He popped his head back up, the rest of his body following soon after, pulling a long piece of metal with him as he did so. Oh, so it hadn't been him who was stuck, but an old piece of the TARDIS.

He looked down at it and frowned. "No wonder things have been a bit rougher for the last few trips. She needs an overhaul. Poor old girl. I'm sorry. Still, got plenty of time right now."

He wasn't talking to her, she knew, but the TARDIS itself. She knew he had a telepathic link with the ship so he could understand it, but he always held his conversations with it out loud. She didn't know if it was his narcissistic love of his own voice, or if he did it just to have some audible noise when he was travelling alone, which she didn't doubt he did sometimes.

It wasn't healthy. Well, he could hold conversations with the TARDIS in his head or out loud all he wanted, but he being alone was fundamentally not right. He needed someone there. He couldn't do anything alone. Well, he could, but he always managed to get into even deeper trouble she had found.

He made getting a bite to eat a life or death situation.

He looked at her and smiled slightly. "Thanks. Glad that didn't set me off actually, but it did need to be done. Well and truly stuck this was. Wonder why she didn't tell me?" He went over to the seat, dropped the old bit of metal on it, and went over to pat the console.

"Set you off? Oh...yeah. Dragged. Sorry."

"Not your fault."

"I know that, I wasn't even there."

He looked at her then, and she could almost see the glasses he wore sometimes on his face, and his eyes peeking over the rims. He wasn't even in his normal geek mode. Or wearing the specs for that matter. "Then why do you feel responsible for me?"

Her eyes widened at that, wondering where it was coming from. "I don't..."

"Yeah, you do. And so does Jack. It's getting a bit...annoying. To put it mildly. I have very little control over my emotions right now. Please, try to not make me mad."

Martha couldn't help the little strangled noise that forced its way out of her throat at that. "I'm not trying to make you mad, or feel responsible for what happened, or make myself responsible for your actions and moods. I just want to try and help. And it's harder than it should be, than I thought it would be."

A huff from the Doctor was heard, before he turned to her, sitting down on the seat and crossing his legs out in front of him, wiggling his toes as he did so. "You think it's hard on you? Try being me."

Sighing loudly, Martha picked up the metal thing, and put it across her lap as she took the spot of seat next to him. "It's not that Doctor, it's just...my mum. I have to deal with this kind of thing at home too. I just...I don't want to see anyone like that, and it hurts me to see you suffering like this."

He looked at her from the corner of his eye, she could tell, feel the weight of that stare. "Is it just your mum?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I think she blames herself for what happened on the Valiant. You know, working against you to try and get rid of you to get me back home. She was doing what she thought was right for me, but still...it gets so annoying sometimes. She's so protective, and now that's 10 times worse than it was, but she does nothing about it. She's lost her...fire I guess you could call it. It's scary Doctor. Tish and Dad have gotten better though. Leo's just trying to understand it."

He shifted slightly, and turned his head fully to look at her. "Do you feel responsible for that? I mean, it was you who made Yana see the watch..."

She shook her head. "No. I don't think so. Not anymore anyway. I did before and then I thought of time travel and what you have shown me out there, and I just thought. 'It would have happened anyway. If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else' and it was like a light was flicked on in my mind and I could see that to be true, cause I really believe that, Doctor. It would have happened anyway."

He nodded slightly. "Yeah, it would have. The TARDIS still would have done the same thing next she met Jack. And so would I. We both ran from him, not wanting to deal with that mess. That turned out well, didn't it?"

She laughed slightly and shook her head. "God, I could have strangled you half a dozen, if not more, times while travelling with you. You can be so infuriating when you want to be. And I'm sorry. Sorry for not letting you talk when you needed to. About Rose."

And then he was smiling at her and it reached his eyes. "Martha...have you been talking to Donna?"

She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't necessarily call it talking as yelling at each other, but, yeah. We talked. I like her you know. She's got the right kind of attitude to put up with you."

He chuckled slightly. "Yeah, thankfully I have the attitude to put up with hers. It irritates me sometimes, it really does. But..."

"But you irritate her too, yeah she told me."

He grinned at her. "Hah! The two of you really have been talking. Just...don't do it in front of me, I don't think my ego can stand up to it."

Martha smiled back at him, nudged his arm with her shoulder and shook her head. "Doctor, your ego can barely fit in the TARDIS."

"Oi! That's not nice. I'm fragile."

"Yeah, and you hate it. But at least you're willing to admit it."

He shifted slightly, sighed, the smile vanishing off his face. "Admit it. Yeah. I've...got to get a replacement for this. Got to find it first. I'll...be back later."

She nodded, watched as he got up, swiped the bit of metal from her lap and went off into the corridors of the TARDIS. Well, at least he was doing something today. From what she had heard he hadn't been doing too well since whatever happened happened.

She moved to the kitchen to make tea the way he liked it. It was the least she could do right now.

* * *

The room the TARDIS was telling him held the spare item needed, was dusty and almost completely forgotten about. The part in question could be made nearly anywhere that had the right type of metal, which included right here on Earth, but he was upset now, and he'd prefer to stay inside.

His nose became runny, and his eyes watered and it had everything to do with the thick layers of dust he started kicking up into misty clouds about his person as he began his search. He was sneezing in regular intervals by the time Martha found him, a still hot cup of tea in her hands, though he could swear she had been looking for him since he came in here, half an hour ago.

"You alright? Looks like you've been crying."

"Dusty as a disused room in there..." he replied, finishing off with another huge sneeze that just made him feel as though he should be losing his brain with the force of it. "Bleh. My nose is all clogged up. My eyes are running a hundred miles an hour, and I feel like my head's full of cotton wool."

Martha chuckled lightly at that, not caring at all that he was covered in dust and paying for it. "Sounds like it is a disused room, alright."

"Yeah. Thanks for the tea. I need a break, before my brain decides to go on vacation altogether and melts into a puddle of goo in my head."

"Oh, I doubt that'd happen."

"It feels it will. My sense of smell is gone. Thankfully, my sense of taste is still intact, or I'd be lost." He'd meant it as a joke, and a grin made its way onto his face, but Martha just rolled her eyes at him and sat down in the corridor outside the room he kept spare parts. It was rather full. Why had he forgotten it had existed? It would have helped him a lot since the Time War, instead of having to glue the TARDIS together with junk. The TARDIS might have felt a lot better about it too, and she knew every room she had. Sometimes she got rid of, or made, new ones for the fun of it.

He drank the tea slowly, glad that even after all this time, Martha still remembered how he liked it, and sighed when he realised that he had to get back to looking for the piece. Even if the TARDIS was ready to leave the little one now, which he had no idea about, since she wasn't being too talkative about the subject, he wouldn't risk going anywhere without the stabilisers in working order, and one of them was waiting for a new buffer.

A stabiliser without anything to keep it stable was a disaster he'd rather not have to face even when he was thinking and working at his best. There was no way in hell he was going anywhere with it like this.

The gentle hum of the TARDIS in his head changed to a slightly apologetic tone, and he sighed again and rubbed at the wall closest to him. "Nah, l I get it, you didn't want to worry me, or think you were worse off. I still wish you had told me sooner, instead of having me just discover it like that..."

He didn't know whether he was talking of the room itself and all the spares inside it, or the stabiliser itself, which was a pretty much new development, since he usually checked them regularly. Since what had happened on the Valiant, she'd hidden quite a few things from him though.

That was well over a year ago now, and he'd checked them over several times since, so it must be a very recent problem.

He wondered if it had happened while on Midnight before shaking his head. He doubted it. It was more likely the trip to Messaline. And he didn't want to think about that one either. That had been a bit rough on her systems, though she had seemed to enjoy it, even though for a second they had been separated.

Still, she had been in no danger, and wasn't stolen or anything. He hated when people stole his...

"Doctor? Wakey wakey." A hand wove in front of his face and he blinked and came back to the world around him. Hmm, he hadn't known he had been thinking that intensely.

"Hello. Yeah, sorry, just thinking about when she had needed this part in the first place. I'm guessing it might have been Messaline. She's been a bit rougher than usual since then."

Martha frowned. "Looked like you got lost in your own head there."

He blinked at her and grinned. "Nah, just thinking. And not lost, no, just a bit concerned that she didn't tell me she needed repairing like she normally does. Or kept this room full of dust a secret from me in the first place."

Again the apologetic hum sounded in his head, and he shook himself and got up onto his feet, looking longingly down the corridor away from the room.

"Want any help? Might go a bit faster with two. I'm sure the others in the Hub would help too."

He hesitated, because he wasn't really up for the company, but at the same time a little help in the room to make this search go faster would be very much good for his health, and his sinuses. "Yeah, I appreciate it."

She didn't go out like he had thought she would, instead Martha walked right into the room and immediately let out a sneeze of her own. "Geeze, you weren't wrong. How'd you manage to breathe at all in here for a half hour? No wonder you feel like your head is full of cotton wool. It probably is too full of dust even for your brain to handle."

"With great difficulty. Breathing I mean. I had the taste of dust in my mouth, and it tastes foul by the way, so thanks for the tea to wash it away."

Martha laughed at that, shook her head and walked back out. "You know, for a genius, you really are thick sometimes. Stay out of there until I get back. Go blow your nose, get rid of the dust in there, unless you want to get sick or something."

He nodded, practically hearing the attached 'doctor's orders' and grinned. Well, she might have been given the chance to cut corners when it came to her official doctorate because of UNIT wanting her there, but she still was very good at what she did and cared enough about even the small things like this enough to order someone about. Go blow his nose indeed. Still, it was a good idea. He couldn't breathe out of it at the moment.

She set out of the TARDIS at that, and he asked the old girl what Martha was doing, and the picture of Martha talking to Jack about something, no voices included, made him wrinkle his nose even further than it already was, and so he set out to do what his young human doctor friend had told him to go do.

The gunk that came out of his nose almost made him sick to his stomach. So much dust was stuck there he wondered if he would get sick from it anyway. Still, he was breathing much better by the time Martha came back, masks in her hands of the kind doctors used.

He almost hit his head into the wall for his own stupidity at not thinking that. And why hadn't she asked him, he had plenty in the TARDIS himself, since he had, at one stage, actually studied medicine, and occasionally he actually did things that need one.

He had seen people also use them for painting and sanding and other things where toxic, or otherwise harmful or annoying substances could be inhaled or swallowed. And he had done enough of both of those to have eaten the dust right off the junk in the room. And inhaled enough for him to think he'd gotten off rather lightly.

"I have lost my mind..." were the first words out of his mouth, and the water leaking out of his eyes this time had nothing to do with the dust and all about his thoughts. Because it was true. How could he have forgotten something so utterly basic to use when dealing with a room full of an irritant that could be holding god knew what inside it.

He sat down just outside the room and let himself cry. It was the first time since he'd been like this he actually let himself go through his emotions without a mental fight. But this, he decided, would help more than hinder.

He found himself wrapped up in a hug from Martha, and he buried his head in her clean shirt and didn't care that he was making a mess of it.

Even when he had calmed down enough to stop crying he tried to force himself to do more for as long as he could, before he couldn't get up the strength to do that anymore. He tried not to sniffle too much, breathing through his mouth.

"Here," Martha said, handing him a tissue.

He grabbed it quickly.

He sighed in utter relief as he noted that it had cleared his nose a lot more of the dust. He had really done quite a bit of shuffling things about in the spare room. He hadn't exactly been prepared to want to cry to get rid of the dust that hadn't cleared by normal means. It had blocked him up too much. And it was the only way he could think of to make his nose run.

And, yes, he had been upset.

"You alright?"

"Yep. Needed that. Cleared out the dust." He found that mentally he wasn't as bad off either. He actually felt good again. Not like last night or earlier that morning, but good in a normal sort of way.

"Dust, yeah, I'm sure that's what it was all about."

He coughed slightly. "Umm, no, well, not to start off with. Sorry about your shirt by the way."

She looked down and made a face. "Ugh, thanks. And god, you weren't kidding about the dust. Learnt your lesson?"

"Completely. Never do something so utterly stupid again, unless I forget something so basic and am usually getting before I even start. I just...didn't think at all about it. It completely slipped my mind. I was worried, and impatient and wondering why the old girl had hidden this room from me for so long..."

Martha patted his knee in a friendly gesture which made him feel a bit uncomfortable, and smiled at him. "Yeah, well, we all do stupid things like that sometimes. I once got into trouble when I was in training when I forgot gloves. I mean, there wasn't even a patient at the time, but it was in preparation for such things and...I don't think I had been yelled at more by anyone, including my mother."

They both laughed over this. After they had both settled down, he grabbed one of the masks, put it on, knowing that they made nearly everyone look absolutely ridiculous and grinned behind it. "Well, Miss Jones, ready to do battle with the annoying and somewhat crowded dust bunnies?"

"Yes, Mr Smith, I am."

She put one on, and walked determinedly into the room. He followed right behind her. "It should be somewhere in here, or at least that's what the TARDIS told me. The only thing I've found are pieces that I don't need quite yet, but will come in handy for the future, and dust. Lots and lots of dust."

"I got the dust, thanks for the warning though."

He looked at her and watched for a bit as she got even dirtier as she looked on shelves and inside boxes and across tables, where the spares were scattered about.

Well, it should go a bit faster with her over there and him on the other side of the room.

As it was, a few short minutes later Martha had found the part and handed it over to him. He was simultaneously happy it had been found, relieved the TARDIS hadn't been lying, and upset it hadn't been him who had found it.

The first two were alright. Especially since one of them was thinking clearly and the other had been lying to him recently to make him feel better. Being upset, made him further upset. Because it made no sense and he usually wouldn't be.

He wasn't moping. No, not at all, and he definitely wasn't stomping towards the console room, and shoving the grating away a bit more forcefully than usual. He hadn't really needed to miss with the hammer either, but it felt good to hit something, and while some of the parts of the TARDIS were very delicate, this wasn't one of them. He was glad. He wanted to be rough to teach her a lesson of keeping things secret.

She thrummed in his head, not happy with how he was treating her and he snapped. "Shut up! You want me to be nice, you stop hiding things from me that are important, or I'll leave you in some damn junkyard!"

The link in his head faded to that only-just-there pitch she had made right after, when he hadn't been able to stand anything in his head. He wouldn't feel sorry that he had probably gotten her both angry and upset. He wouldn't apologise either, because everything he said was true. Sometimes the truth damn well _hurt_.

Just to get his point across, he hit the buffer hard into place, popped his head up out from under the console and threw the hammer hard at the nearest strut. With the link currently hidden, he didn't know if it had hurt her, but he hoped it had. That'll teach her for hiding when she was in need of repair again.

"And don't do it again, bitch!"

"Doctor! That isn't nice."

"Shut up. She deserved it."

Martha stood there, hands crossed under her chest, glaring at him. "You need to get a time out system put in place, or you are going to do major damage."

"The TARDIS is tough, she can take it."

She shook her head. "I'm not talking just with the TARDIS. You're not using your brain right now. You're using your emotions. And while normally that's good, don't act out your anger towards others like this."

He was about to tell her to get the hell out, but decided she wouldn't listen. So he left instead, not going out into the Hub outside but towards the corridors. Oddly enough, his bedroom was the first room he came across, ad he slammed the door closed behind him and locked it. He didn't want company anyway. None. He was glad that the TARDIS was ignoring him.

He was too riled up to sit still, so instead he paced for a good half hour, feeling every minute tick slowly by. He didn't feel anything very different when he felt the link in his mind open slightly, and the TARDIS humming slightly in his head. She was being overly cautious though, asking if he was still angry with her, even though she could feel his emotions.

He didn't answer, because he was.

He wasn't angry with anyone or anything else now though, which was good. He didn't want to lash out again at anyone, especially Martha. She had enough problems at home, without him adding to that burden.

But the TARDIS...she was supposed to tell him these things. She was supposed to trust him, and he her. But she was hiding things from him which could have done irreparable damage to her insides if she hadn't decided to speak up today about it. He should have stayed in bed. But no, he had to get up, and dress in his pyjama's to feel more comfortable, and get down and dirty.

He hit her wall. She closed the link again, slowly and not really knowing if she should, but he needed to be alone right then with his own thoughts.

He buried his head into his hands and let out a stifled yell.

He had completely lost it.

_Again_.

Oddly enough, he decided he couldn't wait until next Friday came around because he really needed to talk about this. And he didn't think he could to anyone he actually knew. Not even Donna.

He was glad he had made the appointment at least.

He wondered if Martha was angry at him, because he wanted to ask her what Jeremy was like.

Or, maybe he'd wait until tomorrow to give everyone, including himself, to calm down a bit.

Yes, he'd do that...


	13. Chapter 13

Yes, the rating of this story did just go up, and yes, it went up because of this chapter. I'm sure there will be quite a few scenes in this story which might be a lot more...adult than this one, but considering there is a threesome scene between Donna, Jack and Martha, I decided that it was best to be safe then sorry. So the rating for this story is now M. Not explicit sex. And yes, there is a reason for it too.

Also: Anything about the Doctor's past (before the show/his childhood) in this is my imagination. There are chunks of the classic series I haven't seen, (including Two's entire run, most of Six, and all of Seven) so if anything is contrary to the show, I will change it when I get a chance to watch the episodes I haven't seen. In this story (I can't remember if I said it already) the Doctor isn't half human, but fully Gallifreyan. And he was born not loomed.

I have read very few of the novels, so don't follow book canon. Haven't heard any of the audio's either, so this is going strictly by the show only.

Chapter Thirteen

_He was home. Not very interesting in and of itself. He came here regularly. It was always the same, the War raging around him, and he with the power to end it all if he just got up the courage to do so, because he knew what using the Weapon would do. And he didn't think he had enough courage left in him to do that again. So, like always, he ran._

_Rose and Donna were with him, Martha somewhere up front trying to help someone who had fallen in the battle that had recently swept through the area. Jack was being Jack, running back towards them after recently being killed, just trying to catch up and not be left behind._

_When they reached Martha, he saw the wounded person was Owen. He was dead. Fully dead, of the dead you don't return from. He shuddered and looked around him, seeing Tosh, Gwen and Ianto not too far off, all dead, caught in the crossfire between Time Lord and Dalek._

_He felt sick, physically sick. He swallowed thickly, not sure he could handle seeing his friends like this. Rose came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him closer to her, a kiss on his back where she could easily reach was felt, and he calmed himself down from the fear that was trying to drown him, and he turned around and hugged her close._

_Martha was crying, and wanted to bury them to at least make sure that their bodies weren't carted off for some nefarious and completely alien experiments. He shook his head, knowing they were running out of time. They had to be gone, and they had to be gone _soon_. And the Dalek's were only interested in living victims for that._

_In with his Torchwood companions, were scattered a few Dalek casings, the armour crushed and the being inside killed, and hundreds of his own people. Panic began to creep up on him. He really needed to get out, _now_._

"_Come on, come with me," Rose said, tugging him gently away from the body littered ground towards an area that didn't look touched by the War at all. Grass still stood here, green not red, closer to his actual home then and not the Citadel. Good. He didn't want that place to be tarnished in his memories either._

_And then it was there, the place he lived his first few years with his parents, still standing and offering them shelter. No signs of the War were to be seen, and he lunged inside almost with relief. His parents weren't there, of course, they were both dead after all, long before the War. The others followed him, and he almost cried when they all began hugging each other with the relief of finding this place._

_They had a small dinner, not much, mainly whatever they had left in their packs, since there was no food in the actual house, which was to be expected. Afterwards they decided to sleep. Rose followed him as he took her to his old room. He only had a single bed (the last time he had slept in it he had only been a child so that was to be expected as well) but it didn't stop them from quickly getting rid of their clothes and falling upon it in a mass of limbs. _

_He had thought that the only sex he would have with Rose would be in that term of Making Love, but what they did there on his childhood bed couldn't be called that. It had been hard and fast, fingers and teeth leaving marks on them both, and he had the oddest thought that he probably should have woken up just then as he came inside her. The noises they had been making would have alerted everyone to what they were doing, but right then, he didn't care, because this was his Rose and she had been gone for so long, and he _needed _her._

_Both as a man, and as the other half of himself. What he'd do when she died, he didn't know. _

_They had been too busy just feeling and doing that they hadn't done the utterly clique thing of screaming out each other's name at orgasm. For that matter, he wasn't even sure if Rose had reached that point. He didn't bother asking, he just waited for his hearts to calm down a bit, before he got up and put on his pants, not caring about getting them stained, and wandered to the window to look outside._

_The sky wasn't orange, it was a deep red, and it seemed to be getting redder as the seconds ticked by, and he remembered belatedly that they had supposed to have been finding a way off the planet, not finding shelter and having quick "I'm about to die" sex with whoever was available. He could hear the other three in the room next to his, as Jack, Martha and Donna shared their last moments together._

_Rose walked up beside him, wrapped her arms around him again and smiled. She seemed fascinated by it, by the oncoming death sentence, and she laughed, her eyes dancing wildly, sparks of fire in their depths. _

_And then he spotted it, a familiar blue mixed with the red and the green, and he let out a laugh of his own, and ran into the room where the others were. They were busy with trying for their own release, all together, an odd group of three, having vied for the best position for each other and moving almost in synch as they had found it._

"_TARDIS! The TARDIS is here!" he cried out in joy, going over to pull Martha away from Jack's mouth and Donna's breast, and started shoving her towards the window, and pointed to where their salvation was waiting._

_She let out a loud squeal of delight and hugged him hard, running over to her clothes and quickly putting them on. Donna soon climbed off her perch on Jack and followed her. Jack was happy to go about naked it seemed._

_They could finish what they had started later, when they were safe and away from here._

_They ran outside, forgetting their packs in their rush and not caring. There would be plenty of food and clothing and water inside, and they would reach the old girl in time, she was not too far away and he still couldn't see where it really was yet._

_Yet the faster they ran, the further away the TARDIS seemed. And then, just as he was rummaging in his pocket for her key the few last steps to her, she dematerialised away from them, leaving them stranded, and now he could see it, the wall of fire and oncoming death as it raced across the planet's surface, killing and burning anything and everything in its path._

_He grabbed hold of Rose, who seemed to vanish in his grip, disappearing like the TARDIS had done. He screamed for her, calling out her name in a long, drawn out wail, and Jack, Martha and Donna cuddled up around him, not because of the disappearing act, but the racing fires._

_They huddled around him, burying him in their mass, and he felt the heat as it passed over them, and heard their screams, and he let out his own as they burnt. And still, he managed to survive. _

_Slowly, he came back to himself, not a burn mark on him, and he wondered slightly if he had regenerated again. Surrounding him was a blackened wall of ash, as his friends had perished from the flames. Even Jack, his clever immortal friend, didn't look like he'd be able to revive from this one._

_There was practically nothing left but ashes, it had been so intense._

_Teeth shone brightly in the darkness, the now black sky seeming to mock what had been there what seemed both a few seconds and an eternity ago. He started screaming then and didn't think he'd ever stop._

_Oh god, oh god. No, Jack would wake up, he had to. He was the only one left. Humans were so fragile and easy to die, but Jack couldn't._

_But Jack was nothing but ash, just like Donna and Martha. He reached out a hand to shake him, and like the ash he was, fell into nothingness around him. Donna and Martha followed with him. Oh god, he had killed them. He had...he had...he was going to..._

He was still screaming as he struggled awake, he couldn't catch his breath, he was sticky with sweat and, oh god, _other things_, and he lunged towards the side of his bed and vomited. He didn't hear the click of the lock as the TARDIS unlocked the door by her own steam, and was oblivious to the door opening.

The next thing he remembered was a pair of hands at his back, rubbing as he kept on heaving, even though there was now nothing left in his stomach as he had once again skipped meals. His stomach and throat were hurting, his head was still filled with the images from his nightmare, and he couldn't tell who it was that was trying to help him.

Finally he stopped heaving, and his body went limp with the relief of it. Hands, much larger hand either Donna's or Martha's were there to catch him before he fell in his own mess, and helped him back on the bed properly.

"Nightmare?" asked the familiar voice of Jack, and the Doctor let out a loud sob of relief, lunged up and caught the Captain in a tight hug.

"Oh god, Jack, you're alive."

He could hear the confusion in the American accent. "Yeah Doc. I'm the amazing immortal guy, remember? I can't die."

"But you died! You died, I saw it...you...you...you were."

Jack lifted his head from where he had buried it in Jack's shirt, and made him look at his face. For one terrifying moment, he had expected the TARDIS around him to disappear and the man holding him fall apart into black nothingness, with patches of stark white.

Stark...white? Oh, god, he had been dreaming.

"It was terrible!" he blurted out.

"Nightmares usually are. Remember it?"

Closing his eyes and opening them quickly, he nodded slightly. "Yeah, vividly. Rose and you and Donna and Martha were all there and the TARDIS left us stranded and the planet burnt, and took you all along with it as you protected me, and I was left without a single mark on me, and everyone else was just dead!"

Jack was silent, and didn't say another word for a long time, and instead just held him, and rocked him, and it helped calm down the shakes he had and his stomach stopped flipping about inside him. He was still waiting for his hearts to go back to a regular rhythm though, and he was still covered in sweat and the evidence that he had, oh god, _enjoyed_ some of the dream.

He untangled himself from Jack and leant forward over the bed, looking towards the floor wondering how much of a mess he had made, and was glad to see the TARDIS had supplied him with the bucket again and he had mainly been sick in that. He felt dirty. He needed to bathe, _now_.

"Jack...can you run me a bath?"

Jack shook his head. "Oh hell no, not after what happened at the Noble's house. I can get a shower started though, if you want one?"

He nodded. He had forgotten about that little incident at Sylvia's place, and frowned. But a shower would get him clean just as much as a bath, it was just the standing part that didn't appeal right now. He wasn't too sure if his legs would hold up his weight.

Jack came back in a few minutes later, hands wet and helped him to stand up. He wobbled for a second, but his feet were solid and so were his legs. He had stood too fast it seemed. He walked a few laps around his room, getting strength back with every step, and soon turned towards the bathroom, where his shower was waiting, running at a temperature he liked.

He stayed in there until the water cooled a little bit. The TARDIS's nice way of saying he was clean now and could get out. He turned off the taps, got the big, fluffy towel that was waiting for him, dried himself and wrapped it around his body.

He needed clothes. Clothes would be good, and his pyjama bottoms were...well, they needed a wash, and so did the top for that matter, considering they were covered in sweat.

Wandering back into his room, a fresh pair was waiting for him on the bed, a light blue that he knew Jack had picked out for him once when he was still all big ears and no hair. Jack was gone, and so was the bucket, but he knew that it had been the Captain who had gotten them ready for him.

His hearts finally fell into a good rhythm. It was all so...normal for Jack to do this. He had done it when he had been in his last incarnation. He had despised it then, but was grateful for it just now. He still didn't like the pyjamas, though he did put them on, because they were comfortable.

He had kept his nightmares from Rose, not wanting to worry her. He had no idea how he had managed that.

The way he had treated the TARDIS earlier on swept over him, and he raced to the nearest wall and pressed himself against it. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean it, not hitting you and hurting you or leaving you in a junkyard. I didn't mean it. _Please_! Please don't leave me. Don't leave. I don't want to be alone anymore."

He broke off in another embarrassing fit of tears, but he was absolutely terrified right then that what he had dreamt would come true. That the TARDIS would leave him some day, stranded when he needed her the most. He'd die if that happened. He had no idea what he'd do without her.

He stayed pressed against the wall, until he heard his door open, and he turned in that direction and saw that Jack had come back and with him were Donna and Martha. He hurried over to them, just glad to see that they were all safe and alive, and hugged them all as close as he could manage. His relief at knowing fully and finally that they were all safe and alive made his legs buckle under him and he found himself being carried back to his bed and laid down on it.

None of them said anything, and he noted silently to himself that his bed wasn't big enough for all three. Yet somehow they all piled on, Jack to one side, Donna on his other, and Martha at the foot, all sitting there just...watching him.

It was rather worrying.

"What?" he asked, and he was surprised that his voice came out evenly and that they didn't look away with guilt. He at least expected it a bit from Martha, she was that kind of person, but she didn't.

"What do you mean what? You were screaming up a storm in here, and you expect us to leave you alone?" Donna stated, her voice holding that are-you-serious tone she used only when he said something stupid, or she had missed the point of something he said.

He shifted slightly. "I threw up..." he said, letting is head get more comfortable on the pillow it was laying on, his spare was pushed into his arms and he hugged it tightly against himself.

"I'll go get you something to eat then," Martha said, closest to the door as she was and he nodded and let her go. He missed her presence as soon as it was gone. Maybe, after he had eaten something, she'd give him a foot rub? Well, since she was down there anyway...

No words were said as they waited for her to come back, but his head had moved from his pillow to Donna's lap, and she was gently running her fingers through his hair. Jack had kept his hand on his back, rubbing slow, comforting circles, and he wondered if he truly deserved this? Not after what he had done. All he did was destroy things.

No, he wasn't going to cry again, he wasn't. Not again. No more tears...

He sniffed slightly and blinked away the stinging in his eyes. Donna squeezed his shoulder in her strong yet gentle grip, and didn't say a word about his emotional state. If he hadn't before, he would have decided he loved her for that alone. He burrowed his head deeper into the spot between her knees, which, thankfully, wasn't bony like his, and wasn't too high up she'd belt him for it.

He inched up higher when she didn't seem to like that position to lay it on her thigh instead. She didn't smack him, just kept stroking his head like he was some kind of....no, he wouldn't get angry either.

Martha came back 15 minutes later, a platter of sandwiches with her, and to his surprise, he found he was actually hungry. He hadn't really been that hungry for a while, not including over at the Noble's place, because energy had been spent healing his hands, and he had needed to eat. His stomach protested to being empty, and he licked his lips.

Maybe now he was getting his appetite back. At least he wouldn't be worrying everyone senseless by not eating anything if that was true.

Sitting up, he helped himself to the mix of sandwiches, having a bit of cheese, and another with a berry blend of jam, one with ham, and another, to make it 2 whole sandwiches, of peanut butter. He didn't know whether he'd keep it all down, not with how his stomach was feeling lately and the odd mix, but so far so good.

He leaned up against the wall and sighed. He would have liked more, but he really didn't think he would manage to keep everything down if he did. The equivalent of two sandwiches and he was already feeling full.

That was not good. Really not good. He would have to get them to remind him to eat even if he wasn't hungry.

He was sure he had already had this internal debate with himself before. Right after and before his call with the therapist. He was sure of it. He _hated_ repeating things.

"What's this Jeremy like?" he asked, wanting to know and since Martha was in the room, he might as well. It wasn't like Jack or Donna didn't know he was going to be going to see the man.

Martha looked startled at the sudden question for a few minutes before smiling at him. "He's nice. I think you'll like him. He has his funny moments. And sometimes you'll want to smack him for what he does."

"What does he do?"

A laugh and a shake of Martha's head and she grinned at him. "Well, he will get you to talk. It's the whole point of it. He put my mum on anti-depressants."

He grimaced at that. "Well, no way is he getting near me with those, no matter how bloody depressed I might be. I'd probably be allergic and die. I'm allergic to quite a few human medicines, especially aspirin products. Inhibits my ability to regenerate too. So I'd just be dead, with no chance of coming back. I still have 3 goes left after this body. I would like to not waste that by just bypassing them altogether."

Donna gave him a one handed hug and grinned at him. "Well, good to see you don't want to die."

He sighed loudly and shook his head. "I wasn't trying to kill myself yesterday you know? I just...it helped last time, it really did. I don't know if it was because of Rose, or because of the regeneration itself, but I felt better. My mind just...jumped to the likeliest conclusion to feeling better and decided that regeneration was the best answer."

Jack had heard that while he had been in the middle of said attempt, but the others had been out of the room. He remembered afterwards how frightened he had been of almost doing something so utterly stupid. It still frightened him.

"No baths for you until you can deal with that little blip then, mister," Donna said, wrapping her other arm around him, and he ended up wriggling around to get comfortable in the awkward sidewards position he was in.

"I had a shower. Ask Jack. Shower. What did you do with the bucket?"

Jack smiled at him. "What do you think I did? I took it out of here and cleaned it out. Wasn't much to clean up. What was the last thing you ate?"

"Chips, last night. Amazed anything left was there for me to vomit up really. Oh, and I had tea earlier today."

"Can we please move to a less sick topic please? I have to put up with that enough at work," Martha stated, grinning at Jack as she said it, while grabbing one of his feet and begun to rub it like he had thought she should. Either he had fallen asleep in Donna's arms, or she had somehow known.

He really hoped he wasn't asleep, because he knew without fail that any dream he had would be warped to the point of terrible nightmare again. And going through another of them tonight was too much.

The TARDIS hummed in his head, a nice, steady thrum that held no anger, or malice, or any wish at all to abandon him, and he let himself believe it. Because right then the last thing he wanted was to have his nightmares become reality.

Especially that bit about being abandoned to his fate, and having all his friends die for him.

"I don't think I can do this..." he said to himself, not meaning to say it out loud.

"Do what?" Jack asked, squeezing his hip lightly.

"Wait a week. I'm afraid of what I might do."

They fell silent for a bit, until Martha spoke up. "Doctor...what you did and said to the TARDIS...is that what makes you think that right now?"

He nodded, burying his head against Donna's neck.

His foot was put down and he let the other one uncurl from its position nearer the rest of his body, so Martha could get to it more easily. She begun to do the same rubbing motion she had done to the other. He winced at it, as she hit a spot that was just that little bit more ticklish than he had originally thought. Thankfully she didn't exploit that, and continued on.

"You shouldn't. I might not be able to understand the TARDIS, but I'm pretty sure she has forgiven you for it."

He nodded. "Yeah...she has, but...it's just...don't mind me, I'm just freaking out over a stupid dream."

"Wanna..."

"No."

He knew that one of them would ask, and there was no way he was going to talk about it, not so soon afterwards, and definitely not with the people involved. Also, he really, _really_ didn't want them to know exactly what he had dreamed of them, especially with Jack present and all of them together on the one bed. It might give Jack ideas.

He was sure Jack had already thought of it.

He didn't sleep for the rest of that night, thankfully, though Donna managed to nod off. Jack and Martha, both used to staying up for days at a time thanks to work related reasons, stayed up with him.

He wished he wasn't tired all the time. It wasn't normal. He hated being depressed. He hated sleeping more than a few hours a night. He hated nightmares. But most important right at the moment, the thing he hated most was himself. Oh, he hated being him.

If he was any other species, he'd at least have someone of his own kind to go to...well, unless of course it was...Nyssa. Oh, how did that girl cope as well as she had with the destruction of her own planet and people?

And what happened with that mess with the Master and her father...

Hmm, maybe he should pay her a little visit, see how she was doing? Maybe talk to her about life in general...small talk...how it was to be the last of your species.

Well, at least he hadn't been going around the universe sleeping with everyone trying to repopulate the species. Not that that would really work in the first place. He was fertile enough to have kids naturally, but he was not...he didn't feel the need to. He was pretty sure Nyssa hadn't either.

Yet again, she had only just reached the age of consent amongst her people.

Maybe Trakenites weren't as driven by hormones as humans? Time Lords surely weren't. Yet again, he had also had Adric on board until...

Maybe he should just stop thinking about the subject and go outside?

He never made it to the door.

He never made it off his bed.


	14. Chapter 14

There is a bit down near the end of this chapter which is a big block of text. If the Doctor decided to stop to breathe for two seconds, it wouldn't be, but nope, he just rambles on. So, warning for that. Might not need one, but it hurts my eyes to read big blocks of texts, so, I'll be nice and warn for what might be a problem to some. Next chapter, Jeremy is officially introduced.

Chapter Fourteen

Sunday passed by in a blur of dust.

Deciding that it would be best to do something productive after spending most of Saturday lying in bed feeling sorry for himself, he had set about cleaning out the mess that was the room that housed the spare parts. It was a messier job than he had first thought it to be, but it needed to be done.

Dust was unsettled, and he spent most of the time with a blocked or runny nose, his eyes in much the same state, though he made sure to never forget to wear a mask again. His clothes were filthy, but he didn't care. Most importantly, he was finding things that he couldn't do without if they broke. Thankfully there were a few spares of each item lying around, scattered about the room like it had just been dumped in there.

If he had known about half of the things in this room, the TARDIS wouldn't be half stuck together with other people's junk.

He wondered if she knew that. If she had any idea that he hated having to go out sometimes just to hunt for some throwaway piece of garbage no one wanted anymore that would be suitable enough to work. That he was afraid that if he did one thing wrong, she'd completely fall apart on him, leaving him alone in his head once again.

He wouldn't be able to stand that if it happened.

By the time he had his shower and went to bed that day, oddly finding himself unable to sleep even though he was exhausted, he had cleaned out the dust and had started putting the things in the room in some semblance of order.

He dragged himself out of bed with much more reluctance on Monday to sort and store the pieces in the room properly. It was rather tedious, but much more productive than being choked in dust all day.

By the time he made his bleary way to bed that night, collapsing and falling into a restless sleep he woke up again from an hour later, all the pieces were neatly stacked, shelved and stored in there. He would make a database so he remembered where everything was, in case of emergencies.

At least the TARDIS had let him know the place did exist, though he was still angry at her for keeping it a secret for so long.

The database was done in a few hours the next day, thanks in no small part to Donna and her 100 words per minute, which sped things up quite a bit. He'd have to go through it later to fix up the spelling of the components that went over the top of her head, but she did alright for someone typing at fast speed, while simultaneously yelling at him for making her become his own personal secretary.

He had a nap at midday, and thought he would finally get a few good hours of sleep in, as he could barely keep his eyes open, when hands shook him awake.

"Come on Doc, up you get. We're going out for the day with the girls and thought it might be a good idea if you come with us. A little shopping, a little food and no trains."

Opening an eye, he glared at Jack, who was grinning down at him. "Jack? What? Why?" There was no use even bothering to hide that he was rather foggy in the head right then, and that he was more than slightly confused.

Why in the world would he want to go shopping with a bunch of women and Jack?

"It'll be good for you to get out for a bit, Doctor. You've been cooped up in here for days. At least you did something though."

His frown deepened at that. Wasn't he allowed to do anything inside his own TARDIS now? "I have had very little sleep Jack. I'm not exactly pleased with being woken up...15 minutes after I finally fell asleep."

15 minutes...

He needed some tea. No, he needed coffee, too bad this incarnation couldn't stand the stuff. He had drunk quite a bit of it when he had been travelling with Martha though. He sighed loudly, knowing that Jack would probably stay there until he moved out of bed.

"Fine, just...let me drink something with caffeine first," he said, deciding that while shopping with the girls sounded horrid, he might be able to restock the TARDIS kitchen while out. And there was always the possibility of lunch in a cafe with some proper food.

He got out of bed, glad he hadn't bothered changing back into pyjama's since he had been planning on a few hours sleep before going on a spring clean of the TARDIS. How she'd let even just one room get that dusty was beyond him.

The kitchen was woefully low in food, and he had once again run out of milk. So, coffee it was. He filled the jug and waited blearily by the sink for it to boil. Once it did, he found that Jack had made his way into the room and beat him to it, making them both a cup of coffee each.

They drank in silence, and the Doctor perked up a bit with the caffeine. He dumped his cup in the sink, not bothering with washing it out, and walked out into the corridor, making his way to the console room. Jack was like the ever eager puppy trying to please a new owner, keeping next to him with a ridiculously large smile plastered on his face.

The door leading outside was closed.

Freezing on the spot, he tried to move forward, found himself unable to, remembered the last time he had tried opening that door, and whirled around and went back into the corridors. His breathing was a little too fast for his liking, but at least he hadn't flown into a total panic over it.

He'd had no trouble with the doors at Donna's house. Or the car. Or, well, he had a bit of trouble getting on the trains, but no problem at all getting out. So far it was only the door leading outside the TARDIS. He couldn't open it. He couldn't go anywhere near it when it was closed.

The TARDIS hummed her apology and he sighed, leaning against one of her walls. It wasn't her fault he was screwed up. It had been his idea to go to Midnight after all, his idea, based on the fact that he had thought it well long past needing a holiday, and who better to have one with than his best mate in the entire universe?

Donna had been pampered and had loved it, until he had gone and ruined it all. How come all he was good for was destroying the things he liked, loved?

"Doctor? Come on. I'm sorry I clo..."

"Don't finish that sentence."

He was afraid right then that if anyone else brought up this weakness in him, he'd go flying right into another rage. The slightest annoyance seemed to set something in him off nowadays, and saying things that hit a bit too close was a good way to bring out his anger. Just three more days. 3 more and he'd be able to try and work on getting over this properly. He could do that. Only 3 days...

"Come on, Doc. The girls are waiting."

Taking a deep breath and hoping he didn't completely embarrass himself, he stepped back into the console room, and saw that the door was now open. Whether it was the TARDIS or Jack, either way, they had known. He went slightly red, but was able to step outside without a problem.

He decided he really hated that door.

Toshiko and the other woman, the one who looked exactly like Gwyneth and he hadn't really been fully introduced to yet, were waiting for him and Jack. Ianto and Donna were sitting down on the couch, but Martha and Owen were nowhere in sight.

"Martha's gone to collect her car. Owen's going to stay behind and look after the hub for us, and he's gone to fetch the SUV," the woman who looked like Gwyneth said, turning to smile at him. "And hello. You look better from the last time I saw you."

He grimaced. "You say that because I'm not unconscious."

She smiled and shook her head in quick jerky movements. "I'm Gwen by the way. In case you wondered. And very much alive. What you said before...what did you mean?"

"Said before?" He had to strain to think of that short conversation, because he had been completely out of it at the time. Oh yes, he had called her Gwyneth and told her she was supposed to be dead. "Oh, oops. That was...that was rude. No. Must have been a relative of yours. Met the Gwyneth I was talking about in another century. I got confused, because you are the spitting image of her. You were born near the Rift, yes?"

Gwen nodded her head and smiled widely up at him, and he couldn't help but smile back. She really was identical to the servant girl he had met way back when Rose had just started travelling with him.

"You know, I was there when the Rift broke free and fully formed. There was this gaseous alien race called the Gelth, and they were trying to break into our world and use the dead bodies for their own purposes. To start off with they sounded benign, just wanting to be flesh and blood again after the War. Turns out that they wanted them to take over the world and have a new, permanent place with new, permanent bodies. A mess really. The girl, Gwyneth, she stepped into the Rift and helped close it off. She died while doing it, but since she was the one that opened it, with good intentions mind you, she knew she should be the one to close it back up again. It left a tear, a rip in the space-time stream. In a way, it's good I know that the Rift here exists, because the TARDIS needs the energy it gives off for fuel."

He patted the TARDIS on her side and felt her comforting hum in his head change slightly to indicate pleasure.

And after his little talk about her ancestor he had met, she looked at the TARDIS and the one thing she said was "What exactly is a TARDIS?"

He blinked. "Wait a sec...I go on about your ancestry, things you probably didn't even know about and here you are, not worried at all about anything that she did or said, but in what a TARDIS is? Hah! Humans. I love you."

She looked at him, watched Jack as he got out of the TARDIS, and turned back to stare at him. "Did I say something wrong?"

Grinning, the Doctor shook his head. "No. A TARDIS is a ship that travels through space and time. The name itself stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space. Until very recently, the old girl here was the last of her kind. Now of course there's the little one currently growing, quite happily I'll add, on Jack's desk."

Both Gwen and Toshiko turned to look at the coral that was on Jack's desk, and compared it to the police box they were more used to seeing. "The coral on Jack's desk will grow to look like this?" Toshiko asked, waving a hand at the TARDIS.

Shaking his head, he grinned. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all, if they were this interested in hearing him prattle on about his ship. "No. There's a chameleon circuit in a TARDIS. It changes into whatever it feels appropriate for the place it lands. The chameleon circuit on my old girl here got stuck when I landed in the 60's on Earth. She's looked like a police box very much nearly the entire time afterwards. Personally I've grown quite attached to it. Think I'd lose her if she changed into anything else, even with our link."

"Doctor, I don't think they want to hear you say anymore. Come on, outside," Jack stated from his side.

And he had just started a decent conversation about something he loved too. He pouted. Not that Time Lords did that. Tosh still looked interested though, and the woman kept shooting glances back towards what she probably thought of as nothing other than a small blue box that travels through space and time. Not that that isn't interesting enough in itself.

He should have stuck to tea. The coffee was making him just a bit hyper. He was rambling on in his mind now.

He decided that he'd give Tosh a tour afterwards. Just of the main rooms. A complete tour would take more time than both of them had left in their lifetimes. Gwen seemed to have lost interest the moment the TARDIS was out of sight.

Taking the small lift up instead of using the door in pairs, they soon were all meeting with Martha and Owen with the SUV. Donna and Gwen crawled in to the SUV, followed by Jack and Ianto. He went in the car with Martha, while Tosh and Tom followed in after him.

He was surrounded by people then, but it was daylight outside, and it made it that much more bearable. Given the time, hopefully a lot of people would be working, or at school.

Oddly enough, they didn't drive for very long, and a short five minutes later, they were all climbing back out of the vehicles and into the street in front of a shopping centre. He frowned. "Umm, why didn't we just walk?"

No one answered, though a few looks were thrown his way, and he shifted on his feet at what they might have thought about him to decide to drive instead of walk the short distance to the shops. Donna and Martha knew him enough to know a little walk had never stopped him before. Jack should know that by now too.

He'd have run here if it was necessary. Surely they knew that, so why the cramped drive instead?

"What?" he snapped out, not liking the feeling that he was missing out on something, or that he was just being stupid, or, and this one he hated the most, it was somehow all his fault that they had driven. He really hoped they hadn't done that just to get him used to closed in spaces that were packed with humans or something. He'd have to kill Jack for that if it was. Half a dozen times.

"God, you can be thick sometimes. Shopping, hello! Remember the luggage I bought onto the TARDIS with me? Would you like to carry all those bags all that way?" Donna said, her voice holding the sort of tone she got when he did or said something stupid.

His anger disappeared and he looked to the concrete his feet were on. "Oh. Yeah. We need food, and milk. Ran out of milk. Not good running out of milk. I had coffee..."

Donna stared at him with a half horrified, half humoured look. He looked back to the ground. So, he may not be the best person in the universe to give coffee to. Donna had learnt this lesson the hard way. Last time he had been bouncing around the console room for half an hour. "Oh god, don't do that in here, or I'll have to kill you myself."

He looked back up at her and a small grin managed to make its way onto his face. "Nah, it's the only thing at the moment keeping me awake. Coffee's good at that for me right now. I may only be slightly hyper, and that is more in my thoughts than anything I might be doing physically. Except right now maybe in which I seem to be babbling constantly, sorry. I'll shut up now."

"You? Quiet? That'll never happen."

"Oh, thanks for that!"

Jack, Tom, Gwen and Tosh watched amused from the sidelines as he and Donna wound down the short bout of verbal sparring. Ianto was already making his way inside.

There weren't many people about shopping thankfully, and the Doctor found himself relaxing as he followed Donna around as she shopped. To his delight she bought herself a pair of trainers for running in. New ones, comfortable ones. Ones which were better than the shoes she normally wore for running around in anyway.

By the time they got to food, Donna had a few new outfits, and had gone back to the SUV to put them away.

The market was a bit livelier than the rest of the centre, and he found it increasingly hard to breath, the more people who got near him. He was thankful he made it to the checkout and into the car before he had a panic attack, but he had done it. He was too busy hyperventilating the five minute drive back to the Hub, but he hadn't embarrassed himself. He was getting sick and tired of embarrassing himself.

It wasn't until the sun was setting later that day, when he had put everything he had gotten up in their proper places that he had realised that, regardless of going shopping, he had actually managed to enjoy himself a bit for once. Awake now and feeling decidedly good, he decided that now was the right time to have a chat with Ianto. Because he knew it would have to be one of those conversations he started while in a good mood, and those were far and few between nowadays.

Ianto had spent the entire day pretending he didn't exist. If he didn't do something a wedge bigger than the one already there would form, and he had a feeling it would be Jack that would catch the downfall of that, and he didn't want that for his friend.

He didn't want that of anyone, not even Ianto.

He felt bad enough most of the time to last the entire Earth. No need to make the people who made his own life bearable to be caused more pain than he already was causing.

Exiting the TARDIS, he went over to Jack's desk to give the young one on it a gentle pat and to make sure it was doing alright, before taking a deep breath and moving out into the main part of the Hub. Most of the Torchwood team had gone home it seemed, as the only ones there right then were Jack, Donna and Ianto. Where Martha and Tom had disappeared to, he had no idea.

"Doctor, want some pizza?" Donna asked, as he went over to them and sat down opposite the man he wanted to talk with.

"No thanks. I'll have something more...edible later." That wasn't an over exaggeration. The pizza was cold and looked to be as hard as cardboard, and probably would taste about the same. He had eaten lunch by himself that day, he could do dinner too. He wasn't completely incompetent when it comes to eating.

He was glad when all that they did was eat, because if he had to put up with conversation he would have gone mental. Thankfully there was only two pizza's and between the three of them they were gone faster than he had thought possible.

How could humans eat that much of something that looked that bad?

"Well!" Donna stated, stretching afterwards, before getting up. "I'll meet you back on the TARDIS I suppose. I'm going to the library for a bit. See what books are there."

He grinned. "Yep! I won't spoil you this time. I don't particularly want another slap." After experiencing that once, he never wanted to experience it again.

She elbowed him softly in his arm and grinned back. "Didn't think you would. See you later then." Donna said her goodnights to the two human men and made her solitary way back towards the TARDIS.

There was silence for a few awkward minutes. Now that Donna was gone, the grin slipped from his face and he found himself a bit nervous. "Umm, hope you don't mind, Jack, but I'd like to talk with Ianto for a bit."

Ianto scowled and got up as if to move away, but Jack stopped him with a quick hand on his arm. "Ianto, stay. Just...talk. It'll probably do the both of you some good."

"Jack..."

"Ianto. You don't have to be so threatened by the Doctor." Ianto didn't bother saying anything else to that, but he sat back down and Jack let him go. "I'll leave you two to it then. I'll meet you at your apartment, Ianto."

With that, Jack left and the Doctor shifted slightly, looking to the man left with him in the suddenly massive, cavernous insides of the room they were in.

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "Why exactly are you so threatened of me? I'm no competition for Jack's affections. I don't feel that way about him, and he knows that. The furthest it will ever go between me and Jack is a bit of flirting."

Ianto shook his head. "You're more a threat than you know when it comes to Jack. But before I even met him you were a threat to me."

The Doctor nodded. "So...this is about what happened at Canary Wharf then? I didn't cause that. I stopped it. And I'm sorry a lot of people died. I lost people that I loved too, in that battle."

"My girlfriend was halfway converted. She was half human, half scrap metal and still alive and able to feel. She still had her mind intact. She was still the same woman as the one I loved."

"All Cybermen have their minds intact. The mind is important. Each and every single one of them that invaded once was a human being. It's what a human is if their emotions are stripped away from them and all have the same goal. They're like a...hive mind, sort of. There's a Controller, and what the Controller wants, the others do."

Ianto shook his head. "Then where was the Controller?"

"In the other world I suspect, since it wasn't at Canary Wharf on this side. The universes were collapsing, the other one faster than this one. It's entirely possible that the walls between both realities were so bent out of shape from Torchwood using it so often, that the Controller could influence them on this side once the doors were open, so to speak."

"Why the Hell are you here if you hate Torchwood so much," Ianto snapped out.

"I was here to let the TARDIS have a bit of a rest and refuel her engines. I also wanted to see Jack. I didn't mean to be stuck here for as long as I have been. And I won't be going anywhere until the old girl decides she's good and ready to go herself."

"You talk like the TARDIS is a living thing."

The Doctor grinned at that. "She is. She has her own mind, her own thoughts, her own wants and needs."

"It's a police box..."

Frowning, the Doctor shook his head. "No, she's not. She just...looks like that. The equipment that let her change her appearance, the Chameleon Circuit, busted a very long time ago when I landed on Earth for a bit. The TARDIS got stuck in the shape she had taken on then. And haven't I already had this discussion with you today, or was that with the girls....I'm having a bit of trouble remembering things like that lately."

"It wasn't me," Ianto said. The venom in his voice was still there, and the Doctor took a deep breath.

"I was rebuilding my life, or at least trying to, after I lost everything. I met Rose and she...I...we...well, let's just say that I wasn't exactly in my right mind back then, but she stuck with me and made me a better person for it. With her though came her mum and Mickey, of course. Mickey the idiot, who ended up saving the world quite a few times with nothing but a computer. Well, he saved the universe once with a truck. Resourceful if nothing else, good old Mickey. Yet again, Jackie saved the Earth once through tea... Suppose I should have really thanked them for that but I never did. They're gone now, with Rose. They were taken over to the other universe and I had to close the gaps left so that travel between the universes wasn't possible. I loved her Ianto. And I'll never see or speak to her again. I won't see her life, I won't see if she ended up happy or not. I'll never know if she had children, or chose someone to live the rest of her life with. The one thing I have is the knowledge that I'll never know when she dies. And you want to know something? I actually think I'd prefer knowing that than not. Because I'm going to live quite a while, and I'll always be wondering what she is doing...After the War, she was the only thing in the entire universe but for my TARDIS I had left. The _only_ thing. You want to go angsty pasts, Ianto, then you are _not_ going to beat me."

Ianto just looked at him, blinking for a bit, with a frown on his face. After what felt like a very long time, but was just under a minute, Ianto shook his head, grinned slightly and said in the first teasing tone he had heard in his direction that hadn't been downright offensive, or meant to hurt, "Don't you need to breathe?"

He couldn't help it. He burst out into loud laughter at that. It was the first time after having this sort of conversation he had been moved to laughter. Especially since it was mainly about Rose and, in a way, the War. "Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I just tend to ramble on and you can't shut me up. Sorry."

"Jack loves you. He's never said it, but he does," Ianto said, the words casual, but full of meaning and emotion.

The smile faded slightly from his face. "Yeah. That's common really. Sometimes I think the only companion I've had who just takes me at face value and not fallen madly in love with me is Donna. It actually feels good to not have to worry about that. Martha had this huge crush on me, which was why she eventually left. Well, that and to look after her family. I don't know if Jack told you of what happened when he...disappeared."

"We knew he went with you. After he got back he told us. None of us were too pleased to be forgotten about in favour for you."

The Doctor shifted. "Ah. If it helps, I was trying to get away from him and he wouldn't take no as an answer, and clung onto the side of the TARDIS. I didn't want him with me then. It's hard to explain what Jack is to someone who doesn't feel time the way I do."

"Could you at least try? What exactly happened to him?"

The Doctor sighed, and laid his head down on the table. "It might not make much sense. Alright. Human English...he's a fixed point. A fact. Someone who is meant to not exist but does and he will exist forever, or close enough to it. He's wrong. Because nothing like him is supposed to be in the universe. I look at him and all I see sometimes is the impression that he's wrong, and I should run again."

Ianto nodded slightly, as if in understanding. The Doctor grinned. Maybe he had said it plainly enough for someone to understand for once. "Run again?"

He shifted. "Umm, might be better if you have that chat with Jack. It's personal to him. Much more so than to me, and he might not want me talking to anyone about it."

The conversation stopped then, and while he knew, could feel it in the air around him, that Ianto was still angry at him, the hatred that seemed to have been directed at him had faded a lot. Maybe now they could give it a stab and try at least to become somewhat friends, if for no other reason than to keep Jack happy. And speaking of Jack...

"I'm no threat to you and Jack, but just so you know, I don't think Jack has been monogamous in his life. I don't think he even knew the word as anything other than this weird notion before he met me and Rose. He's...very open, as you already know. Foreign concepts don't go too well with him when it comes to sex."

"I do already know. And he'll flirt with anything that moves. Sometimes when he gets drunk, he flirts with the plants in the conservatory. It's...odd. But Jack is different. He's special."

The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, I can't argue with that one. But someone's going to get hurt. If it isn't Jack when you die and he does stay with you and only you, then it'll be you when he finds he's incapable of it. But yet again, he's never tried to know if he's capable of it. So, good luck."

Ianto scowled at him after that. "Are you purposely trying to get me angry?"

"No. I'm just trying to say that it is very probable that Jack might...bend a bit. He's giving it a shot, he really is. I know this. He told me. He loves you, there's no denying that. But where he's from...it might not be enough."

Ianto got up from his seat and begun making his way towards the door out of the hub. "Believe me, I've thought about that before. Go back in the TARDIS Doctor, I'm about to lock up, and the last thing you want is to be stuck in the hub at lock down."

He nodded. "Yes, good idea. I should really go get some sleep now. Or try to at least. Nighty night."

"Good night Doctor."

And with that, the Doctor was left alone for a few seconds before he shivered slightly at the thought of being alone in there, and went off towards the TARDIS. As soon as he had the door open, the lights in the hub went off and everything but the blinking lights on the computer screens showed through.

He was fortunate that he hadn't had to fumble around for his key any more than he usually needed to. Known his luck he would have dropped it after the lights went out and he'd have to try and get Donna's attention from inside. Thankfully he hadn't had to resort to that.

He frowned at that, went to see how Donna was, and saw her reading comfortably on a lounge.

"I'm going to go to bed Donna. I'd stay up, but I'm falling asleep where I stand. See you in the morning."

"Yeah, night."

She was too busy being engrossed in the book to bother even saying his name. He grinned. Well, it was good for her. Show her that she isn't all hopeless. Especially when she's been on murder mysteries in her own life now just as interesting as something in those novels.

He went to his room, sat on his bed and did something he thought he wouldn't do again after the worst of the nightmares from the Time War had faded thanks to Rose's help and patience. He begged for the TARDIS to make sure he didn't dream.

It took him a while before he could relax his mind enough to fall asleep thanks to the coffee, but at least this time he wasn't interrupted.


	15. Chapter 15

It has been quite a while since last going to a therapist for me (it was a recommended check up after a rather shocking hospital visit), so anything wrong with that side of this story is completely my fault. And as a bonus, there was an extra 1000 words on this chapter before I decided to have that part as the start of the next chapter, where it fit in much better. So, next chapter is well on its way :) In which Francine makes an appearance.

Chapter Fifteen

It was time.

Getting up extra early in the morning, so that she could drive him to where Jeremy worked wasn't so much a chore. Getting the Doctor out of bed when he had just managed to get to sleep was. It seemed to her while he seemed entirely too eager to go talk about his problems to a stranger, he refused to say anything to anyone else.

Not even Donna.

He hadn't said a word for the past two days, and Martha was getting worried for him. Because he was losing sleep even more than before now. Ever since that night with the nightmare that had not only her but Jack and Donna crowding him in his small bed, he had been getting little to no sleep each night.

She had asked him about it when he was fully awake. He had scowled and said that the TARDIS was being a bitch. It was her opinion that he was bad off, both as a doctor and as a friend, which made her suggest that he go with her alone. He had agreed rather quickly, talking again now that he was finally at the right day.

For the past few days, he had been staring at any and all calendars he spotted in some kind of silly attempt to change the date to today. Because he really needed to talk. He hadn't said it to anyone, but he did. It was plain to see it in everything he did. Or didn't do in his case.

She didn't envy Jeremy a bit for when the Doctor goes off. Because he would, she could feel it. He'd just start talking and he'll never shut up again. It was a good thing the entire morning was free, they had a whole 3 hours to get to know each other.

"Are you going to wake Donna up to tell her you're leaving now, or should I?" she asked, seeing as he was now dressed and scowling at her, rubbing at his eyes. He was beginning to resemble a raccoon.

He cocked his head to one side for a few seconds, before sighing loudly. "I'll do it. She'll be angry probably. But still, I think I owe her a day to herself, and this will probably be the only way she's going to get it. And I'll have you with me, so she shouldn't get all slap happy on me."

Now, a slap happy Donna. That she would like to see. It was good to see that the Doctor actually had someone with him who was willing to smack him into place, because sometimes he really needed it to settle down.

He disappeared back into the corridors, while she waited by the central strut, fingering some of the controls, but never game enough to start pushing or pulling anything. 5 minutes later, he came back in with Donna tagging along behind, looking rather more cranky than she'd ever seen the other woman.

"So! What's all this about then?" Donna asked, her arms tightly wrapped under her chest.

"It's time for us to leave," she replied back. "The Doctor should have mentioned it. Doctor..."

The Doctor shifted slightly from foot to foot, and sighed loudly. "Thanks Martha." She grinned and nodded at him, and he rolled his eyes at her in reply. "Donna, I...would like it if you stayed here. Have the day to yourself. You deserve it after having put up with me for this long. Just...relax. Have some fun with the Torchwood team. Stay in the TARDIS. Do what you want."

Martha stepped back a few paces to let them have the conversation, but didn't leave completely. It was still not far enough away to have it a private conversation.

"But I want to go with you," Donna replied, letting her hands fall to her side.

"I'll have Martha with me. She'll take care of me for a while. Just...you deserve a break. Please."

It looked to Martha like the Doctor's slap happy comment was about to come true, but instead of slapping him, the raised hand Donna was getting ready to smack him across the face or back or the head with was lowered.

"Oh, come here then, you silly man."

She watched as they hugged. It was like some kind of weird punishment. They were so close to one another, yet still able to keep things completely platonic. That was the kind of relationship that Donna was saying he had needed, but her own feelings had gotten in the way.

A hug from him with her would have melted her to a puddle of goo on the floor, yet she had craved any little touch of his.

She wondered sometimes if he knew how she had felt. And yet, he had talked to Donna of her crush, so he must have. Or was it that last conversation on the TARDIS after making it back home, and found Leo waiting for them safe and sound that had made him realise.

She'd have to ask him one day.

Not today. He'd have enough on his plate and she was pretty sure he was going to walk out of that office either very angry, or very quiet.

A quiet Doctor was not a healthy Doctor.

Donna was reluctant to part with him, and it took five minutes before the hug finished. By then she was sure they would run late if they held off going any later. "Donna, we've got to go now."

The other woman looked at her and nodded. "You go get better, Doctor. And you take care of him."

Martha grinned at her. "Yes ma'am. We'll be back either sometime tonight, or tomorrow. Depends on how the Doctor feels afterwards."

"Oi! Do you two mind? I'm still here and my hearing is fine. Oh, I don't know. Get the two of you in a room together and all you seem to do is trade gossip about me."

Her grin widening, Martha patted him on the shoulder. "All good things though."

"Oh, course it's only good things, sunshine! What do you think we do? Whisper to each other how we imagine what you look like naked? Well, we've both seen that. And you're too bloody skinny. And you were covering up your bits."

The Doctor went slightly pink at that and shifted on the spot. "What is this? Get up early just to make me blush day?"

"Yep! Must have missed the memo," Donna replied.

Martha let out a laugh at that, tugged on the Doctor's arm, and steered him towards the elevator that rose up to the surface. "Come on you, say goodbye and lets go, or you really will be late."

He grinned at her, waved bye to Donna and turned away. "It's what? 4 in the morning? I think we'll make it on time. You right to drive by the way?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I went to bed early. Really early. Tom wasn't too happy with that. We're actually kind of glad for the time off. We're able to spend some quality time together."

The Doctor nodded. "I can tell."

Smiling, she nodded. She knew he knew. His senses were sharper than a humans. That and he knew of the shirt incident that first night in the Hub. At least Jack had been nice enough to let them stay in his little room in the Hub instead of spending some money on a hotel room which wasn't necessary.

Always practical, that was the Jack she knew.

They made the rest of the way to where Martha's car was parked in silence. Thankfully, it wasn't the awkward silence he had been giving off for the past two days. It was comfortable and companionable. Kind of like after he had finished with one of his little babbling marathons he had gone on when she was travelling with him while they were in the TARDIS. The ones after they had had tea and biscuits, and were curled up in one of the rooms which housed either books, or some sort of science equipment.

The curling up part was usually done in the library. Or a study he went in frequently, to tinker on some sort of piece of technology she didn't understand properly.

She had watched as he had pulled apart and put together the sonic screwdriver after it had malfunctioned. It had been fascinating. More than she thought it would be, so she had kept on following him in there and got a running commentary of what he was doing, unless he needed all concentration on something small and fiddly.

Yet again, for the past two days he had not left the TARDIS, and there had been no talking, so he was probably just conserving energy for the day ahead.

God knew he'd need it.

Half an hour into their drive, she noticed that his habit of sleeping in the car when nothing life threatening was going on had kicked in.

She let him sleep.

* * * * * * * * * *

He woke up slowly.

It wasn't what he was used to, and he fought it as much as he could, but in the end Martha's poking roused him to the point of wakefulness, and he frowned. "I was asleep, Martha. Why'd you have to wake me up?" he mumbled, not so sure the words came out clearly, like he hoped they were.

"We're here Doctor. I don't think you'd be pleased to sleep the entire session away. We're a few minutes late as it is, but I'm sure all will be forgiven if you get out of the car."

Rubbing at his eyes, he grunted his affirmation, and opened the car door, getting out and having a look around. He frowned when he saw a lot of open space, trees, and a garden. "Umm, exactly what kind of place is this?"

Martha looked around and smiled. "It's kind of like a hostel, for aliens. They had to have it out of the city for if they didn't look human. You know, there's no causing alarm for the masses that way."

"Ah, yes, of course. Sorry, I forgot that it caters to the non-human. Probably because...umm, yes."

Martha grinned. "Because of me and my family. Yeah I get your reasoning. It also deals with humans who have gone through alien encounters and threats, you know, to help them either get past it, or learn to accept that the universe is bigger than they thought it was. Yet again, how anyone could still be ignorant of other life out there in this day and age is completely barmy."

The Doctor laughed at that. "Barmy. Good enough word for it. Yet again, some of us were born into societies who always knew of other life, or, well, close enough to it. You try growing up in a place where you monitor them. For a job. Rather boring actually. I'd rather be out there seeing other races, and not looking up facts and stats on data cubes."

"You, holding down a job that includes a lot of sitting? Or not going anywhere? You must have died of boredom. I can't imagine you not doing what you do."

He grimaced. "Why do you think I left? My way of thinking was slightly off for them. I wasn't exactly liked because of my wanting to travel. Which is odd. Why bother having the means to and not use it."

"Why indeed! Come on, this way. I'll give you the tour after you're out, if you want. And you can figure out what you want to do for the rest of the day." Martha grabbed his hand and begun steering him towards the building. A huge, several storied brick number. Not as big as the mansion Pete owned in the alternate universe, but big enough to house any aliens that might be in need of a place to stay. Given what Martha had told him though, there were probably a few alien life forms inside who were stuck living here permanently.

Hmm, perhaps he could help a few of them get back home. It would be good to do something to help. But first he was waiting for the TARDIS. He was beginning to suspect the old girl had purposely decided not to go anywhere just to make sure he went to this appointment today.

Well, here he was, and he was getting rather jittery now he was close enough to the room he'd be spending the next few hours in. He let go of Martha's hand so he could bury them in his pockets so she wouldn't notice that they were shaking slightly from his nervousness.

"Are you coming in?" he asked Martha, as she sat on a seat in front of a door. He took one next to her.

She shook her head. "No. I'll probably just walk around for a bit, speak to the occupants here. See how they are, introduce myself fully, that sort of thing. I've been here before, but not as a social call. It'll probably be good for them as well as me."

He nodded at that, and let himself try to settle down. Instead he began to tap his foot on the ground. After a few seconds of this, he got back on his feet and frowned. "I thought you said I was late! Do I just walk in, do I wait? What do I do Martha?"

She patted at the seat he had been in and he got the hint. "Martha...this is driving me crazy!"

As was always the case in situations like this one, that was when the door opened. He closed his mouth with a snap and blushed a fierce red. Oh god, he had blown it already with his inability to sit still for more than two minutes.

Until this whole mess had started, he had barely blushed at all. Now it seemed one of the things he was doing the most of, like not sleeping, and crying or chucking fits. He licked his lips and looked to the floor. "Umm, hello?"

"Hello. So, you're the Doctor then. I've read your UNIT file. I thought it might help get things started, and Martha mentioned you worked for them once in your past."

He nodded, but kept his gaze firmly on the floor. "Yeah, yeah I did. Work for them that is. UNIT."

"Would you like to come in?"

He kept his eyes down, but moved his view from the floor to the door a few feet away, took a few awkward steps and started shaking when he heard the door close behind him as he found himself alone in the room with this Jeremy person whom he didn't even know.

Why the hell had he been looking forward to this?! He was about to fly into a panic. He made his way to the nearest seat, sat in it and buried his head in his hands, which he had propped up on his knees.

Breathing, breathe. He took a deep lungful of air in and held it for a few seconds before letting it out. It seemed to help loosen him up a bit. It was then he looked up.

The first thing he noticed was the one thing probably no one else would. There was something skewed around Jeremy. He was out by quite a few centuries. He lost some of his nerves at that in favour of his natural ability to be curious of things like this. "Was it the Rift?" he asked.

"The Rift what?"

"That brought you here. You're out of your own time. I can tell. Can't hide those sorts of things from me."

The man beside him wasn't old, but wasn't young either. He looked younger than he was, maybe around his late 40's, but he had that air around him that says that he was probably a bit older than that. Humans by his time lived quite a bit older than they did in this day and age after all. He guessed around 60.

He grinned, happy to see that something in here was liable to not make him nervous.

"Ah, that. Yes. UNIT monitored activity until the start of this millennium."

The Doctor let out a happy little sound at that. "Wonderful place, Earth! I love it here. Seem to end up in this or last century most of the time, but I visit a lot of other time periods too. Even yours. You were brought here in...what, 3203?"

"It was 3201 actually. I've been here now for 20 years."

"Must have just missed you then. Shame really. Not many humans that I've heard of take it as easy as you have. But yet again, most are brought here from the past. Much less likely to adapt, though they can and will do so, especially if the people involved are young."

Jeremy smiled at him. "It took a bit to get used to things. But yes, I adapted."

"Hah! It must have been like an alien planet, even though it wasn't! Lots of different things from then to here. But fascinating really. So much _changes_."

Jeremy nodded this time and pointed to a three person couch. "Can I have my seat back now?"

He blinked, before jumping from the seat he was in. "Oh! Yes, sorry, I needed to sit in a hurry. Or I probably would have done something stupid. Like faint, or panic."

He moved to the couch and flopped down on it, lying with his feet on one of the arm rests, and his head against a cushion. 'So! Do I lie down and tell you all about my childhood? I've never done this before. I have no idea what I'm doing."

A chuckle was heard from the chair, and he turned his head so he could keep an eye on Jeremy.

"Would you like to?"

The Doctor frowned in confusion. "Would I like to what?"

"Lie down and talk about your childhood?"

He blinked a few time in confusion. Wasn't that the way these things worked? He'd be asked a load of questions and answer them as truthfully as he could. He was expecting the whole childhood thing, because it was so often used in the media. He was betting it would turn up sometime though.

He shrugged. "Nothing much to tell. I loved my parents, they loved me back. I moved in with my uncle when I was 7, went to school at the age of 8, where I stayed for my school years. By then I was old enough to be a member of society and get a job."

"This was normal?"

"Yep!"

Silence fell in the room after that, and he shifted slightly so he was sitting up. Lying down was making him tired. He rubbed at his eyes. Well, at least he had managed a good sleep on the way here. He was much less tired because of it. Still, he felt himself beginning to yawn.

"Tired?"

He nodded. "A bit. I sleep like a log in a moving vehicle unless I'm driving it or there's a...situation that has adrenaline levels high. I slept on the way here for a good few hours."

"You mentioned having nightmares..."

He looked to the floor again, staring at the carpet as if it held something far more likely to be interesting than the man across from him. "Yeah."

"Still bad?"

"Yeah."

Jeremy shifted slightly and the Doctor raised his eyes again. He wasn't too happy with looking away, yet was very uncomfortable to look at him.

"Do you remember what they're about?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes. Like...when I have a normal nightmare. Those I can go back to sleep after having, because I know that they're just dreams. When it's...not normal I can't. Well, sometimes when I can't remember I will go back to sleep, but the feeling of something bad happening, or is going to happen doesn't leave and it just ends up with me awake again soon after. It's very frustrating..."

He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away again, before quickly moving his gaze back. No, he could do this. Talking and looking and everything else. Just because this was going places he didn't like right now...

Yet again, it was what he was here for.

"What about when you can remember, and they're not normal? Can you go back to sleep then?"

He shook his head. "No. I can't even try. It's like...like a retelling, or a distortion of what happened to make it worse than it was. I had one nightmare that wasn't really related to what happened on Midnight which led me here, which was...bad. It wasn't normal though. It was...it scared the hell out of me. I think I know what caused me to dream it, but not all of it, and since then I've not been able to sleep for very long at all, and wake up before I start dreaming to avoid it."

How come Martha hadn't told him how hard this whole therapy thing was? Now that he was here, he really didn't think he was ready for this. Jeremy sat back in his seat, and settled his arms on his belly, while the Doctor jumped to his feet and began pacing.

"It was...well, it was about the War, what I dreamt. But not really. It was...well, it was on Gallifrey, and there were dead everywhere, and except for Martha, Jack, Donna and....and Rose, everyone was dead. Dead...never seen so many people dead at once than there..." He closed his eyes and shook his head. No, he needed to tell someone this. He'd been driven crazy by it since he had it, and he really wanted some form of reassurance that he wasn't just completely mental.

"Umm, I knew something bad was going to happen. To me, to us, and we were all scared about it. And then we were running away, but we were stuck on Gallifrey because I didn't remember where I parked the TARDIS. Or...something. She wasn't there, that much I know. Then I was home, and everything was green and healthy and we thought we'd escaped it, and we were all laughing and happy and so damn relieved it almost hurt. The house was empty, of course, my parents have been dead for centuries, and we ate a dinner that we found in our packs, and, and...then...then things went weird."

He stopped his pacing as he watched as Jeremy leaned back in his chair, before beginning his angry plodding about the room. He wasn't comfortable enough to take his eyes off the man yet, and so would just have to explore the room some other time. Right now, he just needed to expel nervous energy. "Um, I went to my room with Rose. The other three went in the other bedroom..."

And he was blushing again. He hated that. He didn't understand why this was affecting him like this. It was just a stupid nightmare!

"Did you and Rose have sex?"

He lifted his head from where his gaze had slid to the floor once again, and nodded. "Yeah, well, in the dream. We never did when we were together. I just...couldn't ever get in the mood for it. I haven't since...well, it's been a while. Can't really pinpoint it, but it wasn't really that noticeable to me. My people weren't exactly the most...amorous people out there. But sometimes I thought about it. With Rose that is. But it never happened."

"Is that what you though weird about it? The sex?"

He couldn't quite get his thoughts around just what the look on Jeremy's face was. He wondered vaguely if that was what he looked like half the time when he knew things others didn't. Or was that his imagination? He went to the couch and threw himself on it in a slight show of anger. "No! It was the way we did it. It was all hard, and fast and _mean_. That...that wasn't either me or Rose. I always thought, you know, that it would be nice and a show of love, not just mindless sex."

The only answer he got from that was a slight nod. And he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't want to get up, because it might show just how restless and upset it made him, while at the same time, he was too worked up to sit still. Sighing, he slumped and hoped the feeling would just go away.

"There was that niggling feeling in the back of my head I get when I'm in danger and knew it was still there. I got up and away from her, and went to the window, and I knew that in a few minutes' time we'd be dead anyway. Rose came over to me, and looked outside and began laughing. She pointed outside, and there was the TARDIS and the hope, I thought I'd drown in it. I ran into the other room, and the others...well, they were kind of busy."

Oddly enough that part had never embarrassed him. It was just so...Jack for it not to be with that man, and Donna was always going on about her boyfriends. She was a sexual individual his Donna was.

"Busy?"

He grinned. He couldn't help it. It was just silly to even say out loud. "Yeah, as in together. All three of them. Threesome is the word you people commonly use. Well, it is appropriate. I pulled Martha off the other two and showed her the TARDIS. Then we were all laughing and hugging each other and the girls got dressed in a hurry, while Jack, being Jack decided to just go naked."

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. "Really? That wasn't just you thinking he'd go around naked?"

He giggled, smiled and shook his head. "Not Jack. If clothes were outlawed, he'd be in heaven. He's from the 51st century."

From the blank look on Jeremy's face, the Doctor remembered that he was out of his time by accident. Not a natural time traveller, oops. "Umm, they don't have as many hang ups about sex, partners, how many, what gender they are, whether they're a different species. Umm, clothes were something one wore to be more formal and to not fall into completely chaotic orgies all over the place. That, by the way, actually happened once. It was...quite interesting to say the least."

He wasn't expecting Jeremy to laugh at that, but he did. "I bet it was."

"Ooh, cheeky!"

Jeremy smiled at him again and waved his hand and he didn't want to continue on. It was after that that the dream got terrifying. He shifted in his seat. "Umm, I...didn't like the rest of it."

He got a patient look directed at him at that and sighed. Well, he had said this much already, so he might as well finish. And he still had a lot of time after this to be in here to chat about things that were not that important, like Alpha Regency Eight's orgy of 5233. And that was just the year, many more people were involved.

"We...we went outside. It was taking forever to get to the TARDIS and as soon as we did, she dematerialised without us. Just...left me alone. She left. And then there was the wall of fire that was making its way across the planet, destroying everything in its path. We couldn't get off, we were stranded and we were going to die. Rose...I grabbed her, not wanting to be parted from her and she just vanished. She left me too! They all just left! Jack, Martha and Donna, they fell on top of me, trying to keep me safe, and they were screaming, and I was screaming and everyone was _screaming_ and then it was over and it was so damn _quiet_."

He had to stop. He was panting and out of breath and only just realised he had been talking very fast, and his throat was hurting with how high pitched his voice had gotten. He rubbed at his face and waited until he had caught his breath again.

"God, seeing them like that...I thought maybe not Jack, Jack can't die. But when I touched him he just crumbled to dust and ashes and teeth. And with him went Martha and Donna and I just started screaming. I couldn't stop. I didn't think I ever would. Then I woke up still screaming. I vomited. I...I had... Well, the sex. And it made me think that I'd _enjoyed_ it. And that...that's just _sick_."

He tapered off into silence, and the Doctor raised his head from where he had grabbed at chunks of his hair to look at the other occupant. Jeremy was still sitting in his chair, which made him relieved. He didn't know why it made him feel like that, but it did.

"You said before, that you understand why you had this dream. What made you say that?"

He sighed long and slow, and oddly felt better for it. "I got into a fight with the TARDIS. She wasn't too happy with me and had cut off our link. I thought, well, she was pretty pissed at me and I thought she might leave. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a tiny bit...insecure when it comes to being left."

"The TARDIS is your ship?"

"Yep, that's her."

"How did you manage to get into a fight with your ship?"

The Doctor grinned. Ah, confusion. Yes, he was used to that when it came to his TARDIS. "She hid a room of parts for repairs from me. She was trying not to upset me, I know that...but I went flying right off the handle, because she kept it hidden for years, and I ended up patching her up using junk instead. Junk! I was extremely rough with her in fixing what was wrong, and I was angry. God, I could have busted her up. I didn't though. After I fixed the problem I kind of yelled at her for a bit and stormed off to my room instead. I told her I'd leave her in a junkyard..."

He shifted slightly and shook his head, jumping once again to his feet. "Can we not talk about this right now? I've reached my daily limit of talking about...stuff."

Jeremy nodded and smiled. "Sure. We'll go by your own pace with this. You jumped right into telling me about your nightmare. How long have you wanted to tell someone about that?"

He ignored that last bit. "My own pace?"

"You said on the phone that you've been talking about what happened to you. You mentioned a place called Midnight earlier."

"Yeah, Midnight. Never going back there again."

"You said that you've been talking about what happened to you on Midnight. That's good. Does anyone know all of what had happened?"

He shook his head, and coughed. "No. I can't...I'm not ready for that, I don't think. Last time I talked about it I freaked out. But I did go a bit further than I had before. I suppose. I can't really remember talking about it too well, just what happened afterwards. I kind of...was too busy remembering."

"Are you comfortable with this conversation?"

The Doctor snorted, before letting out a small chuckle. "No. I've never been comfortable talking about myself, or at least the things that really matter. This is hard."

They fell into what he felt was an extremely uncomfortable silence then, and the only sound apart from breathing he could hear was the tick of a clock. He started wishing he could babble like an idiot, but was afraid of coming off more insane than he really was and that he'd be locked up for it.

He didn't say another word until he got out. He was in a worse mood than when he had entered the room.

He left an hour and a half early.


	16. Chapter 16

A Doctor Lite chapter, which involves mainly Martha, Francine, Donna and Tom. Mainly just a filler chapter.

Chapter Sixteen

The Doctor came out of the room looking a bit more subdued than he had when he had first gone in there. His head was down and he was shuffling his feet in a way she had never seen him do before. Waiting for the past five minutes seemed to have been the right thing to do. Though he had only been in there with Jeremy for roughly an hour and a half.

"Hey Doctor. Ready to leave then?" she asked, and he looked at her feet and nodded his head.

No audible answer. She knew this would be hard on him, but she had honestly expected him to just babble on about nothing if he didn't talk about anything too bad. Well, what he would consider bad. Which meant anything to do with him or his past.

They spent the walk it took to get to the car in silence, but when they were both buckled in, he took a breath and sighed. "I don't feel well. And I'd much rather sleep in a bed than in a car. It hurts my neck to sleep in this contraption. I'm tired..."

"Sure. We're pretty close to home here. You can stay with me for the night if you want. I'm sure Tom won't mind. We've got a spare bedroom you can use."

"Yeah. I just...I'm dead on my feet. And I don't feel right."

She remembered what her mum had been like the first time she had gone. It was much the same thing really, but with less vomiting and more depression. "You'll tell me if you're going to be sick or anything won't you? Please don't be sick in the car."

He shook his head. "I'm not nauseous, I just...I don't know. I don't want to talk about it, alright?"

She nodded her head. It looked like he had actually talked a bit today. She could always tell when her mum had. "It'll get better. Easier. It did for me, for my mum too. I think the family group sessions have helped. Mum and dad got back together again, did I tell you?"

He looked at her blearily and shook his head. So, he was back to not talking at all. Maybe he'd feel better after a bit of sleep in a proper bed. "Yeah! Annalise threw a fit. That was dad's girlfriend before the whole mess on the Valiant. She kept on insulting both mum and dad, trying her hardest to get dad to go back to her, but it didn't work. I never thought in a million years that my parents would get back together again."

"In a million years you and your family will be dead," he replied, and she knew that he was just trying to upset her because he wasn't feeling the best, but it wouldn't work on her. Not today. She was still happy that he had actually gone in there and said something even if she didn't know what.

"Well, yeah, of course. It's just a phrase Doctor, as in I thought they would never get back together again. Ever."

He sighed loudly and his head fell hard onto the window. "I _know_ that Martha, I'm not stupid."

She winced at how he must be giving himself a headache. "No, of course not, but you aren't human."

"And you can shut up now, thanks. You're giving me a headache..."

She snorted at that. "That wasn't me Doctor, that was you banging your head against a pane of glass."

"Shut up!"

And now he was yelling. That was never a good sign, so she let herself slip into silence.

5 minutes before they reached her place, he sighed and looked in her direction. "Martha..."

She cocked her head to the side to show she was listening to him. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I feel drained of energy."

She smiled. "You talked. I don't know what about, and I'm not going to ask. But it's good. You might feel like crap right now, but like I said before, it'll get easier."

He shifted and this time laid his head down slowly and carefully onto the window. "I think most of the time was spent in silence. I didn't talk about much. Just...something that's been bothering me lately."

She nodded. "Well, that's good. You'll probably feel better with some sleep. And some food. I won't tell Donna you skipped two meals, she'll be angry at me for it."

He let out a little huff which she recognised as something he did when slightly amused at something. "Yeah, good idea that."

And before another word was said, she was outside the little townhouse she and Tom rented out. "And here we are!" she stated, parking the car, getting out and rummaging around in her pocket for her key.

When the door was opened, she didn't bother with the tour of the place, instead she herded him straight over to the spare bedroom, pointed out where the loo was on the way and watched as he collapsed in an exhausted heap onto one of the beds.

He was out like a light before she had finished taking off his shoes for him.

Slowly, she put them down, got a spare sheet and threw it over him so he was at least under some form of cover, and left him to it. Closing the door so the click was barely heard, she sighed and smiled again. Well, that was a productive day. That was good. Now she really needed to call Tom so he didn't worry himself sick with whether or not she was home safe or not.

Also, Donna would probably want to know that the Doctor wasn't going anywhere for the rest of the day. She'd probably be just as glad to know he was getting some much needed rest as she was.

She couldn't think properly on what type of mood he'd be in when he woke up, but she was hoping it would be better than the one he had been in when he had gone back to sleep. She hoped he managed at least 3 hours, to have made it 7 all up for today. He didn't normally need that much sleep, but it would help him a lot to have it. Plus he was utterly exhausted.

Going downstairs and straight to the kitchen to fix herself up a sandwich, she followed that up by grabbing her mobile and calling Tom.

"Martha! How's everything?" Tom asked, when he answered on his end.

"You know, slowly. He's out. Has been for a bit. Just had lunch. He fell right off to sleep afterwards. I haven't got the heart to wake him back up. So, we're staying at ours tonight."

She could imagine the smile on Tom's face at that. He had such a lovely smile. "Good! I'll tell Donna then. She'll be happy to know I think. She's been wandering aimlessly about and bullying people all day. I think it's in some kind of defence for him in some weird way, but at least you know she cares for him."

"Yeah, she does. We all do. He's just that kind of person. The only one that doesn't see him for the man he really is is himself. Which is a shame, really. Still, hopefully the therapy will make him come around to the fact that he isn't a bad person by nature."

"If he sticks with it," Tom stated, secretly voicing her own fears that today had been too much and he'd just stop because of it.

"He needs this. I think he knows that. But it might be too much for him."

They fell into silence after that, thinking too much of what to do, how to go about helping someone when they may not really want it, what to do when their best friend decides to go off on them for giving him false hope, because that's just what Donna would do.

She couldn't help but think that the entire situation was unfair, not only on him but everyone else too.

It's almost like the universe picks on him for fun or something...

Before she could think anymore on that line of thought the doorbell rang, and she sighed. "Tom, someone's at the door, I've got to go now. Bye. Love you."

"Love you back. See you when I get home."

She smiled at that. "I'll be waiting."

Tom hung up and she put down her phone to go answer the door. To her surprise, it was her mum. "Mum! What are you doing here? I only just got in. I called you to say I wasn't in town."

Francine shook her head, her arms crossed underneath her chest. "Cardiff you said. Jack, is he alright? And I was only passing by, noticed the car was here."

"Jack's fine. He's good. He says hello by the way. To you, dad and Tish."

Her mum smiled then, tight lipped, but as happy as she got these days. "Good to hear. Why did you go then?"

"Actually, if you'll believe it, the Doctor needed a lift back, because that's where the TARDIS is. They caught a train here, because the TARDIS refuses to move right now. Jack has a piece of coral that the Doctor says will grow into a full sized ship with the right care. And Jack can't give that, can't talk to it telepathically. Which it needs. And the Doctor went with Donna to visit her mum and grandfather. He's a mess."

The look on her mother's face at the Doctor's name made her wish to take back what she had just said. It wasn't that Francine didn't like the Doctor, well, now she does anyway, but to start off with she really hadn't. It was because he was part of it all. "A mess how?"

Martha shrugged. "One too many traumas occurring to him close together I think. He couldn't just...move on and forget this time around. Something about being thrown out of a bus, or close enough to it. Or was it a truck..."

"Oh. He's here then? It'd be good to see him again."

She nodded. "Yeah he's here. He's asleep though. Don't wake him up. He's had roughly 2 hours sleep in a week. He's dead on his feet."

Francine nodded, and there was that look in her eyes she got when she sympathised because she understood. Out of her family, it was her mum who mostly would. "Well, am I invited in, or do I get to stay outside?"

Shaking her head and laughing slightly she waved her mum. "Sure, come on in. You're always welcome, mum, you know that. Tea?"

"Please. It's been a long day."

"Yeah, the Doctor just had his first session with Jeremy today. Imagine how that went?"

Francine chuckled and it was the first time in a long while Martha had heard anything remotely sounding like pure humour coming from her mum's lips. "He actually went there? Jeremy must be having a field day with that one. He's nuts."

Martha grinned, went and turned on the jug and got out their mugs. "Yeah, and he probably won't be too happy to hear that you know now, because he seems to hate it. I mean, the whole help thing, not you knowing. He'd probably tell you that himself. But still, it'll do him a world of good. And I think he knows that. We're all just hoping he sticks with it."

Her mum shrugged. "Jeremy's good."

"Well, yeah, but right now who knows what the Doctor thinks of him."

They fell into silence, only broken by the shrill whistle of the jug which announced that the water had boiled. At that, both of them got up from the seats they had taken at the table, and they helped each other to make the tea.

It was a routine that they had never shared together until she had moved in with Tom. When she had been living back at home, looking for another place to stay, everyone had been too much of a mess to really be anything other than just trying to live day to day remembering that they were free.

She didn't know if it was a natural resiliency on her part, or if life with the Doctor changed someone that much, but she had found herself moving on from what had happened during her yearlong wander a bit faster than the rest of her family stuck on the Valiant and enslaved by the Master. Yet again, she didn't know all of what went on in there. Most of the group sessions they had been to so far had been more about how each of them felt about what happened to them, and how they were affecting the others in the house around them.

Leo was living back with his fiancée and son, and hadn't really been involved in any way but through what he heard during the sessions. He didn't know that he had been killed after being captured. She had known. It had been on a broadcast, just before the televisions stopped transmitting. Sometimes she still had nightmares about it.

She had heard that his baby boy had been killed too, but that she hadn't seen, thankfully.

"So! How's everything with work then? And the hospital? Well, that's one thing, at least I know Tom's good with children," her mum stated out from nowhere once they were seated again, sipping from piping hot cups.

Martha sighed. That was what her mother did best nowadays, stop anything that remotely meant getting upset and jumping right into her love and work life. She answered as she always does, wondering how Tom was going with Donna.

Good luck to him. He'd probably end up needing it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Glaring at the man in front of her, Donna threw her hands in the air and sat heavily in Jack's seat. "You didn't even let me talk to her! I wanted to ask her some things myself you know."

"Donna, I really don't think Martha knows anything of which you might want the answer. Only that the Doctor went in, he came out, he wasn't feeling good and he went to sleep. The end."

She shifted, because that wasn't what she wanted to know. She wanted to know whether or not they had stopped for breakfast, and if they had lunch before he went to sleep. Still, at least he was actually getting some rest now. He'd been grouchy the past few days.

"Oh, she'd know the answers all right, she'd just not want to tell me if the answer's no."

Tom grinned at her, which really didn't improve her mood. He was a good guy, he really was, but right now he seemed to be doing everything in his power to piss her off. "Well, she did mention having lunch and then him sleeping. Although that might have been Martha's way of making people think he did eat, not necessarily that he had."

"Yeah! In other words, _you don't know_!" If her voice was a bit sharp, her sarcastic tone right in place, who could blame her. Sometimes she felt like she was surrounded by idiots. And then there's the Doctor, who made her feel like she was around a bloody smart idiot.

Being a genius didn't mean he got out of that one.

Sometimes he acted so human. And she could always tell when he was trying, too.

Maybe it was just her, but she liked her alien's alien. Like the Ood. She had liked them. They had been nice when they weren't trying to kill her. But nice as a whole. And they had beautiful songs too.

There was the added bonus of them giving the Doctor a headache, which made him lie down for the rest of the day, meaning a break for once.

It had been rather lovely. He had taken her to a little planet not yet inhabited by sentient life, but was soon to be. They hadn't had any trouble whatsoever. Which, being with the Doctor, was a bloody rare thing.

They had stared at the sky, stargazing, or she had at any rate. He had covered his eyes and had laid there on the soft sand moaning loudly about his head hurting.

One thing she had learnt roaming around with the Doctor, was that no matter where they were in the universe, no matter what species, a male hurt will either try to hide what was wrong, and when they couldn't do that complained loudly about it until it went away.

It was actually a rather comforting thing, or else she'd be wondering if there was a way to change species entirely to find a nice guy who didn't do that. Well, Lee hadn't, but had been a virtual husband and apparently hadn't been real.

She could have sworn he was, but no person named Lee McAvoy had been there in the Library that day. He could have used a fake name though, and he wasn't from Earth, though she thought he was human. If he wasn't, she hoped his whole race was like him. She had completely adored the ground he walked on.

Alright, so perhaps she was being a bit unfair to those around her today. She had been left behind after all, and this was important to the Doctor. She felt, like in so many other things that she was being left behind, abandoned, like she'll be left out of all the cool things and just be super temp the friend. Only here when needed, gone when not.

Figures, even her friendships were becoming like her jobs, like her love life, like everything else.

Temporary.

Sighing loudly, she let her head fall to the table, and her hand automatically went up to pet at the coral sitting there. The baby TARDIS. Well, at least one of them was happy. The TARDIS had been humming all day since the Doctor had left.

Hopefully it meant they'd soon be on their way out of here and on to the next available monster hunt. Because she was getting bored of doing nothing.

Twice since she'd been here there had been an emergency involving aliens, and the Torchwood crew had kept her well out of it. Civilian her arse! She was about as civilian as her gramps was an alien hater.

The two in this case didn't go together. Sure she might not be job applicable for fighting or weapons handling and things like that, didn't even want to be after seeing Jenny shot and killed in front of her, but she did regularly both run after and from aliens and monsters and other kinds of things like that. That made her a non civilian when it came to anything alien thank you very much, Jack!

And now she knew she hung around a bit too much with the Doctor. She was rambling in her own mind...

"But he's definitely alright? Martha didn't drug him to sleep or anything, 'cause he's allergic. Or at least that's what he told me."

Tom shook his head. "She said that he just went to sleep. He's tired. He couldn't have stayed up much longer without rest anyway."

Donna shrugged. "Doesn't mean he went to sleep voluntarily. Yet again, with the way he is now, no sleep is voluntary, but I meant with drugs used. I don't think he'd like that very much. Probably brings back some type of bad memory, because someone must have tried that in his past."

Tom stared at her for a while and nodded. "Probably. But in this case, I assure you it was a non drug induced sleep. Martha wouldn't do that unless it was truly needed, and she knows about the Doctor's allergies. They did travel together for a while."

She nodded. She had forgotten about that in her worry. And Martha was a doctor herself, so should know of things like allergies, because no doubt the Doctor would have told her. "Yeah, you're right. I'm just...it's not very often that I get to do things for others that's not just for a job. I'm just the temp. With a capital T it seems half the time. I feel like I belong somewhere with the Doctor. First time I've ever really felt like that. Like I'm someone important."

Tom smiled at her again, and this time she took it for something non threatening. "He's lucky to have someone care about him like you do. It'll do him good."

Donna grinned. "Yeah. 'Course he's lucky to have me. The rest of the world just doesn't know it yet."

Chuckling softly, Tom shook his head. "Maybe someone will notice one day then, yes?"

"Yeah. My gramps knows about this whole thing, the Doctor and whatnot. He's the most important thing to me right now. Hate saying that with the Doctor the way he is now, but my gramps...he's been the only one that really ever took the time to know me for me what feels like my whole life. Wish more people were like him. But he's old now."

"I'm sure he knows it too."

"Oh yeah, he knows. Tell him every available chance I get he's number one. I keep him informed of where I go in the universe. What planets, what galaxies, how far they are from Earth, that sort of thing. He's big on the whole alien thing and space. Has been for a while now. Years. I'm glad to have made him so happy before he dies. And he is, he really is."

She had made up her mind to stay with the Doctor. Had since she had decided that his way of life was actually better than what she had and was willing to risk her life everyday to get out of what she had stuck on Earth.

Yet still, she dreaded the ever looming threat of a phone call from her mum saying her gramps was dead. It would happen, she knew that, but hopefully not yet. He was a strong man, and still very fit.

Tom walked away from her, probably glad that she had at least calmed down. She understood why the Doctor hadn't wanted her to go with him at least this first time, and she wouldn't have gone in with him unless he had asked her to, but it seemed something he had really needed to do alone.

She turned to the baby TARDIS coral and smiled at it, giving it another gentle pat and felt it vibrating slightly under her hands, like the big TARDIS did. "Yeah, you just go on growing. One day, you'll be out there too, exploring the universe. Like a TARDIS should."

Her TARDIS, the adult one, hummed louder from her spot nearby and she got up and went over to give her a pat too. She snorted in humour, before letting herself laugh out loud. "Oh yeah, no matter how much I'd like to just get away from here, it may be wise to wait a few days, or the Doctor will think you've kept him here just to see him go. He won't like that."

The feel of the thrum of the wood under her hands changed a bit, and she could swear it felt like someone laughing silently. Well, she couldn't understand the TARDIS, didn't have the telepathic ability needed, but she knew that the TARDIS was a living ship, and that she had her own emotions. The she she got from the Doctor always calling it 'old girl'. Whether the female words were because it was a vehicle, and everyone knew all vehicles were girls, or because it really was she didn't know, but it stuck just as much for her as it had the Doctor. But with less of the old.

Donna sighed. "Well, just the two of us tonight hey? Fantastic."

The door opened by itself, unlocked as it is in here with only her and Jack being allowed entry. Still, at least the TARDIS saw her as a friend too. Stepping inside, she wondered what the hell she should do until the Doctor got back.

The TARDIS didn't help with an answer.

She hadn't really expected one.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Shifting slightly, the Doctor tried to bury himself deeper into the pillow he was holding, wondering why it didn't have the same smell, texture or feel to it as his own. Sighing, and getting more comfortable, he was almost asleep again when the sound of the door closing woke him more fully than he already was.

Wait a sec. Door closing? He wouldn't be able to hear it from his room on the TARDIS. So, not on his ship then. So....where was he? Opening his eyes, he looked about the small and rather cramped room he was in. Two single beds dominated the room, while a wardrobe sat opposite the beds. In between them was a desk with a computer on it.

There wasn't a thing that even hinted as to where he was. He didn't know whether to be angry at that or begin panicking because he couldn't remember getting in the room to begin with.

He remembered going to the therapist clear as day, Martha waiting outside for him when he got out even though she had told him she'd go introduce herself to some of the residents living there...wait a second, Martha! Oh, yes. She had driven him to her place. This must be a spare bedroom, because he really couldn't see Martha and Tom having single beds.

Sitting up, he stretched as far and wide as he could, felt several joints crack as he did so, and sighed. Well, he must admit that after having a bit of sleep he felt much better.

Sliding off the bed, he ran his hands through his hair and yawned, still struggling to crawl out of the mugginess of a deep sleep and into the waking world.

First thing first, he was hungry. He wondered if it would be overly rude if he just went and grabbed something to eat from the fridge. Well, when he found the kitchen that is. He didn't remember having a tour. Hell, he still couldn't remember being herded to the bed he had been on.

He found his shoes on the floor at the end of the bed, and ignored them in favour of going barefoot. The first room he found was the bathroom and toilet. Then he found another bedroom, with a large bed. He grinned at the still messed up sheets and decided that was where Martha and Tom spent their nights.

Yawning, he found the stairs and used them to go down, and there was the kitchen, and there was Francine and Martha at the table, and there was a plate of food for him, thankfully with the spaghetti that was covering the plate still hot.

"Hey, you! Made you some dinner. It's not much, but it's better than nothing. Eat."

Smiling, sitting down in front of the plate that was waiting for him, he dug in with fewer manners than he normally might have. Well, in his defence, he hadn't eaten anything all day, and while he normally didn't care about talking with his mouth full, right now all he wanted was to fill up a bit.

It wasn't anything fancy, just spaghetti bolognaise. Still, it made for good food anyway and he ate it all in a few minutes. After he had finished he looked up to see the two women staring at him, one in disgust and the other amused.

"What? I didn't have breakfast or lunch. I was hungry!"

Martha giggled a bit and held out a napkin towards him. "Yeah, and that's why you have sauce all over your face. Really, I've seen you without table manners before, but this was bad. And that's saying something."

He licked his lips, found that he did have some of the thick sauce on his face and grinned at his friend. "Oops. Sorry. I was hungry, that's all. Really hungry. I haven't been that hungry in a while. Well, not like that anyway. I haven't been eating right, I know. I said I'd try and do so, but I guess I haven't really succeeded yet. Bet Donna's not too happy right now."

He grabbed the napkin and wiped clean his face. He stopped himself from doing something that would get him into trouble, like picking off bits that would still likely be good enough to eat.

"You're not like this all the time I hope. Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?"

He looked at Francine and smiled. "No, my dad did. I just...forget sometimes. I normally don't have much company at mealtimes. Just me and whoever is travelling with me at the time. Well, except when I'm on my own, and then it's just me. And sometimes when I am with a big group for a party or...or banquets, can't forget the banquets, and some places like in your Earth's past, well, manners aren't really needed then."

"You just keep digging that hole Doctor."

He looked to Martha and grinned. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just kind of...well, I'm ready for someplace other than this planet right now. No offence or anything, you know I like the Earth. This planet is like a second home to me, but..."

"Itchy feet?"

"Oh yeah."

Martha grinned at him. "You are acting a lot more like your old self this afternoon."

He nodded. "I feel a lot better. Guess I really needed the sleep. Recharge my batteries so to speak. Probably one of the reasons I am feeling the need to go somewhere more clearly right now. Last week I really couldn't have been bothered going anywhere. After a bit of cleaning I think I spent most of the time just...moping."

Martha's grin widened into a proper smile, and a cheeky one at that. "Moping, good word for it."

He rubbed at the back of his neck and looked at his empty plate. "Yeah."

A small awkward silence passed over the table before Francine shrugged and leaned back in the chair she was in. "So, Martha told me that you started therapy today..."

He looked up and grimaced. "Yeah I did. And that was a hellish thing. And I avoided therapy for so long too."

"Your people then, they had similar professions?"

He nodded. "We had our psychologists if that's what you're asking, yeah. My people were prone to depression. I'm definitely not an exception to that rule. After Gallifrey's destruction..."

Martha leaned over and grabbed at one of his hands, which he found were tearing up the dirty napkin. He blinked and looked more closely at that, and scowled. "Damn it. Sorry. Sink..."

He was pointed to a spot behind him, and he turned slightly and saw it. He got up and washed his hands, drying them off on his trousers. He stayed by the sink and watched the water swirl its way down the drain. "I never meant to do that," he stated, as if it explained everything, and in a way he hoped the others got it.

"You know that's one of the things that will probably need to be talked about, right?" Martha asked him, while she grabbed up the plates and put in the plug to start the washing up.

He nodded. He couldn't be bothered voicing that out loud. The thought of talking about anything that even got close to the Time War terrified him. He remembered mentioning it in passing to Jeremy and wondered if the psychiatrist had picked up on it. He hoped not. Last thing he needed was to be drilled on that.

It would really drive him nuts.

Psychotic, the Master in his last incarnation, nuts.

And he didn't want to think of him either. It meant pain.

He rubbed aimlessly at his chest. His hearts hurt. He was used to it though, had been for years. Any kind of reminder of his people or anything to do with the War just made him ache. But that was normal right? He grieved for them, like he had grieved for Rose and Jack and the TARDIS the short time she was almost dead.

Like he had grieved when he had been much, much, _much_ younger for his mother, and then his father, and then for his lost friendships that he had managed to forge while studying at the Academy, when his friends had turned against him and went rogue in their own ways.

He remembered the complete shock of Adric's death. He had been such a smart lad too. Out of all the people who had died while travelling with him, his death had been the one that had sent him reeling the most. Probably because he was the one he had known for the longest amount of time.

He shook his head trying to clear it of ugly thoughts of the death of those he had lost and sniffed. Well, on the plus side, he hadn't started crying yet. For that matter, he hadn't really cried most of this week. It had been the first week he had spent doing that.

He didn't want to wreck a week of not crying by suddenly starting again. Not now. Martha was there, and even worse, her mother. He didn't want Francine to see him like that, since she had her own problems to deal with.

He blanked his thoughts, and closed his eyes, and by the time he had opened them 5 minutes later, he felt better. The pain had gone, and he didn't feel the urge to burst out into tears any longer.

Martha had finished washing up and had started wiping and putting the dinner things away. Sniffing again, but this time out of feeling like he was being rather distant and dismissive, he filled the jug up and put it on to boil.

Some tea sounded very good.

The routine of making tea with Martha had been set in the TARDIS, and even more fully set when they had shared that tiny little flat with each other in 1969. Now, while most of that time had been a nightmare for both of them, for different reasons, naturally, they had made their little routines to make life easier.

Still, they did have quite a few fights over making tea back then. But that was because of tension, boredom and just general anger at the situation. Things had gone back to normal as soon as they had gone back to living in the TARDIS, thankfully.

Well, as normal as things got for him, when he had been travelling with someone who kept on shooting her glance down whenever he had turned around. And did she honestly believe he hadn't felt her gaze?

Shaking his head, he grinned to himself, glad to have found that the routine had brightened his mood a bit again. Still, he had better be careful; his emotions were bouncing around like one of his yoyos today.

The last thing he wanted was to get angry in front of Francine. He was pretty sure she had enough crazy, screaming Time Lord's going off at her in her lifetime. She really didn't need another one added on, especially since he was supposed to be the good one.

With three steaming cups, they sat back down with Francine and waited for a bit in silence that didn't seem as awkward as before. No, this was actually rather comfortable now. He guessed his little trick to make himself not cry had worked a treat on everyone else too or something. Yet how he had no idea. Unless he had been right out of it like he had been that one time before.

"So! Who was at the door then? I noticed that Tom never came back today. When I remembered where I was I thought it might have been him."

Martha raised her hand to her mouth. "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up. I went outside to put the bin out, before I forgot."

He frowned. "Why are you apologising? Honestly, I was waking up naturally anyway. Or else the noise of the door probably wouldn't have even registered."

She rolled her eyes. "Sorry if I'm concerned about your health. Not only am I a doctor, but I'm your friend too. You might have noticed that at some point," she said to him, casting him a glance with a lewd little smile that meant that while the last were words would normally hurt, she was joking about it.

He rolled his eyes back and grinned. "Thanks. Really. I don't think I could have managed another long trip back to Cardiff. Not today. And I really did need a proper rest. And food. Food is good. Do you have any bananas?"

Martha laughed at that, a surprised sound, and it made his smile loosen a bit into something that seemed to fit his face a lot better. She went over to a fruit basket that had been stashed on a side table out of the way, while they were using the main table, coming back with a banana for him. "Far be it from me to keep you away from my banana."

He faked a scandalised look. "Why Martha! And all this time I thought you were getting married to Tom! Imagine what he'd say?"

"Oh," she replied, grinning at him again in her playful manner. "He'd probably give you his too."

This time the surprised laugh came from his own mouth. It felt good to truly laugh. He was doing it more and more often when around his friends. Well, he had been until he had started avoiding everyone. He wouldn't say it, or even truly admit it to himself, but he knew that's what he had been doing the past week. Avoiding things.

He probably had done it out of nerves. He'd been nothing but a bundle of them since Midnight.

Well, at least he had started talking about that a bit, he supposed. Well, he had talked about his dream, which had been...well, it had been more about the Time War than anything else, but it had definitely held certain elements that reminded him of his latest scare.

"I can't talk about it yet. The War I mean. I...I can't. I haven't even begun to even try on that account. It hurts too much."

Francine who had been silently sipping at her tea before it cooled sighed. "He talked about it you know, the Master. He said that you destroyed it. But that it was supposed to be the other way around. That he should have instead. Why did he say that?"

He shrugged. "He probably wanted to be the one to cause the most chaos. He always did love mind games. He was a rather...hypnotic fellow, as you all know. We used to be friends in the Academy, best friends even. But...well, he wanted power, I wanted nothing more than to just get a TARDIS and explore the universe. Get off Gallifrey and do what a Time Lord should do, not what they did."

He snorted in an odd mixture of pain and humour. "If only they could see me now. The Last of the Time Lords, their renegade ex president, who hated to be anywhere near them..."

Martha smiled sadly at him, and he looked away from the two women, not wanting right then for them to see him talking about this crap. He didn't want to talk anymore anyway. He peeled the banana and begun eating it instead. It kept his mind occupied with something other than an imminent meltdown.

Bananas were good like that.

Silence filled the room, and it went from awkward to comfortable in the span of a few minutes as he tried to calm down. Were his moods showing that clearly? He used to be so good at hiding his emotions.

Getting up, he grabbed another piece of fruit, and went back upstairs in the pretence of putting his shoes on. As much as he liked walking around barefoot, neither of the other two were, even if they were inside, and he felt a bit stupid.

He made a beeline right to the bed and flopped down on it in a messy heap. He wasn't tired right then, not really, but he was sinking and rising in moods much faster than he was used to and it was giving him a headache.

He wondered if he could take a mood stabiliser without it killing him. Right then he felt he needed one.

The only guess he had at not being able to centre himself was because for the first time that week he was letting himself actually speak and care and feel. He didn't want to fall back into the mess he had been that first week, but he already had.

But he couldn't go on pretending that it hadn't happened, and he couldn't ignore everyone here.

He burst out crying.

With how loud he was being, he thought that Martha would have come up to try and comfort him, but she didn't. Well, the good news was that neither did Francine. He didn't want any kind of company then anyway, so he decided that it was as good as crying got.

It wasn't until he had settled back down again that someone came upstairs, and they knocked on the door before asking his permission to enter.

It was Martha. It was always Martha. He didn't mind so much when it was Donna, because Donna was nothing more than a friend, but Martha...she was a doctor. Not only was she a doctor, but she was a doctor that worked for UNIT. And not only that, but she also once held a huge crush on him.

"Doctor? Can I come in?"

He didn't answer. Was it too much to ask for a little time alone?

The door opened and Martha poked her head into the room, and he scowled. "Did I say yes?"

"You didn't say no."

"I didn't say no to the thing that invaded my mind either, but it did so anyway."

Silence filled the room, and he clutched the pillow he had slept with tight and looked away from the woman in the doorway. "Can't I have some time alone? Bloody hell, you're driving me nuts. If I wanted your company right now I would have said yes."

Martha sighed from where she was and he heard it. It was either that quiet, or she wanted him to hear, one out of the two. "Doctor, last time you were left alone when you were feeling like this, you tried to drown yourself. So, no, I'm not leaving you alone."

His nails dug angrily into the pillow and he buried his head in it, biting down hard so he didn't start screaming. Martha sat on the edge of the bed, lightly touching his knee, and he exploded with anger. "Get out!" he screamed, throwing the pillow at her, startling her off the bed and to the door. "I can't even have five minutes on my own because of you! Leave me alone! Stupid bloody bitch, FUCK OFF!"

She was out of the room in a flash after that.

He was too angry to even care that he had not only swore at her, but scared her by doing so.

* * * * * * * * * *

Closing the door, Martha raised a hand to her mouth, before sliding to the floor. She didn't want to leave him alone, because he was unstable right now, but she really didn't want to get yelled at anymore than she already had, because it hurt. She had never heard the Doctor swear in English before. It was usually something he didn't like. And when he did swear, it was always in a dozen other alien languages and the TARDIS didn't translate.

She knew he held a lot of anger inside himself, but it had never been directed fully at her before, and she didn't ever want it to be, because he was scary when he was angry, even if all he did was yell and scream and throw soft pillows at her.

She could hear him muttering curses through the door, quietly and to himself, and she could hear enough to know it was about not getting any peace and quiet. If he hadn't been given peace and quiet the past week, when he had avoided everyone and talking in general, she didn't know what was.

He was holding on to the anger. He'd have to learn how to manage that, or he'll end up hurting someone with more than just words.

The last thing the universe needed was the Doctor fully enraged.

She shivered at the idea, remembering what he had been like when they had been in New York and he had been screaming at the Daleks to kill him. He had lost his reasoning then, everything centring on himself, the Daleks, his anger at them and himself, and a final death.

If he lashed outwards instead of inwards, well, he had committed genocide before, on several different occasions. He had destroyed his own people. There was no telling what he'd do to the rest of the universe.

Yet again, a huge chunk of the problem was his anger at himself for destroying his own people.

She tried to remember what she had learnt other than how bored she had felt, when it had come to psychiatry during her medical training. Nothing helped in his case anyway. Half the time his emotional reactions to something were either not as sharp, or completely different to those around him. And he was allergic to a lot of drugs humans used.

She kept on forgetting he wasn't human. Right now he was acting pretty much normal for someone going through the stress reactions of trauma, but when he begun to start feeling better he'd probably go back to being a mystery to her.

He was an alien. His brain was different to a human's. Yet again, he had admitted that his people were prone to some of the same mental illnesses as humans. Which just left her even more confused.

He was more logical than emotional. With what little she had learnt about Time Lords, she thought that was a racial thing. She'd ask him tomorrow when they were driving back to Cardiff, before she came back with Tom. She'd wait a whole 24 hours for him to calm down if she thought it would help, but by then she'd be home again.

Asking over the phone something as personal as that wouldn't be a wise move.

Shaking her head, she sighed loudly, listening to the muttering in the spare bedroom. She couldn't understand what he was saying now, and whatever language he was using was deep and guttural and matched perfectly with the anger.

Probably the reason he chose it.

Well, at least it still showed he was able to think and hadn't gone into a complete rage.

Unless, of course, that was his home language. Though she really couldn't imagine him speaking like that all the time. It'd hurt the hell out of his throat for one, and he hadn't the voice for it.

He coughed and switched to a different one soon after she had that thought.

Getting up after rolling her eyes, she went back downstairs where her mum was nursing a cup of coffee in front of her.

"What was that all about?"

Sighing, making herself a cup and wondering when she'd need to make a fast dash to the loo after drinking so much, she sat down opposite her mum and let her head rest in her hands. "He's angry. I didn't want to leave him because he tends to get a bit...well, he can become suicidal. I was worried, but I guess he really didn't want the company. On the plus side, I don't think he's in _that_ type of mood right now. I left him cursing in a few different alien languages. I don't think he knows that I stayed at the door for a bit just in case."

Her mum scowled and looked at the stairs. "Well, the language I just heard him screaming in was English. The neighbours probably heard that."

Martha nodded. "He wanted me to understand what he was saying. It's the first time he has sworn anywhere near me in English. Well, except the time he called the TARDIS a bitch..."

"What set him off?"

She shrugged and looked down at the table. "It could have been me staying in there, since I know it was irritating him. It could have been me going in there when he didn't want me to. Could have been me touching him, which was when he snapped at me."

Nodding, her mum, finished off her coffee and grabbed her car keys. "Well, I'd better be off then. Leo's staying at home with us tonight with his family. I'll see you again soon?"

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'll be coming back home and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow, so I'll be around."

She waved from the door, her smile dropping when she was no longer able to be seen by the car. Closing the door, she leaned against it for a bit, before finishing off her own coffee, going upstairs to the bathroom, got ready for bed and decided that she would read to help pass the time until she was tired.

It was just her luck that she was currently rereading the Harry Potter series, and had the 7th book with her. The Doctor had been right about one thing, she couldn't not see him crying at it. She had cried during parts.

It was coming along nearly 11pm when there was a small knock on her door and the Doctor poked his head in to see if she was awake. She smiled up at him. "Hello. Look what I'm reading!"

He looked down at the book and back up to her face, before lowering his head, and she knew he was about to leave her, and she'd never see him again if she was very unlucky. "Well, are you going to loiter at the door all night or are you coming in?" She patted next to her, inviting him in, and was thankful when he took the cue, and closed the door behind him.

He made his slow way over to her bed, sat down on the end and heaved a huge sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Really, I didn't. Not the yelling or swearing or throwing anything."

She smiled and nodded, putting the book down. "Yeah I know you didn't. And hey, if anyone should be apologising here it's me. I know you wanted to be alone for a bit, but I was worried. You understand that, don't you?"

He nodded. "Yeah. And I know that it was probably asking a lot, considering all things, but I just...needed it right then."

She shifted over to him, sat next to him, and hugged him close. "Tell you what, why don't we just say that it was just a slight misunderstanding. You were irritable, I riled you up, and you lashed out. It's what people do, Doctor."

He looked at her for a bit before nodding. "Yeah. A misunderstanding. Do me a favour in return? If I look irritable, don't touch my ankles, knees or shoulders."

She closed her eyes and let her head rest against his arm. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I forgot. Dragged."

He grimaced. "Yeah, dragged. Not a good experience, especially when unable to move. It took three of them to...yeah. Guess I either weigh more than I look, or being in the position I was in made it that much harder. It took three to..."

He hit her bed, not hard, but enough to state that not being able to say it was annoying him.

"Took three to move you. Even the lightest person can feel like they weigh a tonne if they're not able to move for some reason."

He nodded. "Yeah. They hurt my ankle. It got caught on one of the seats. They could have broken it and I wouldn't have realised, because the next few days were spent in a state of shock. I was hustled around roughly by them. One was just a boy. He didn't want to...I know he didn't want to. He was crying afterwards. Was sick."

Kissing him slightly on the cheek, not meaning it in a romantic way and hoping he knew that, she pushed his side lightly and smiled. "Come on. It's about time for my bedtime anyway, and we're going to go back to Cardiff tomorrow. You can stay in here tonight if you don't want to sleep alone."

He smiled slightly up at her, nothing more than a very slight turning of the lips, but it was enough for her. "Sure. I warn you, I move around a lot in my sleep I've been told."

She laughed at that. "Fine, fine. I've got a big bed. You can sleep on Tom's side. Plenty of room to move about." Almost as an afterthought, she pulled one of the pillows off of her pile she was using to read in bed and passed it over to him. "Here. Donna said you've been sleeping with a pillow."

He yawned, nodded and went over to the other side of the bed and lay down. "Thanks. I promise not to throw it at you in my sleep."

She laughed again and shook her head. "Nah, throw it at me all you want, just don't put bricks in it. Be a bit uncomfortable to all then."

He chuckled slightly at that, before she turned off her light and closed her eyes. She was asleep in no time, feeling much better now that she and the Doctor were on good terms with each other again.

She hoped they stayed that way too.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

The Doctor didn't sleep for the remainder of the night, but Martha knew he'd probably end up snoozing his entire way back to Cardiff anyway. He didn't mind, really. He just hated that he always seemed so out of energy in a moving vehicle. In a way he knew the answer to that, it soothed him in a way. The motion and the noise of the engines and the feeling of it through the seat all just lulled him off.

Martha did get to sleep, soon after he had crawled into the bed with her. He really hadn't wanted to be alone, especially after their fight earlier that night. Still, he was closing his eyes in an attempt to rest himself when the feeling of arms wrapping around him made him smile.

He almost started chuckling at it and he decided that he'd hung around too many female humans. Martha was either afraid he'd run away in the middle of the night even while she was asleep, thought he was Tom and snuggled up, or was a bit like him and clung onto the nearest thing available in sleep.

He was torn between waking her up or leaving her to her dreams. The reaction she'd have in the morning and finding herself like this would either very embarrassing, or very sweet. He hoped it'd be sweet, but doubted it. The crush she'd used to have on him didn't make that much of an option.

Although, lately, he had been wanting a bit more contact than normal. Maybe she just subconsciously knew that.

When the sun rose and Martha woke up, he had his eyes closed and she had thought him asleep. She nudged him and grinned. "Morning sleepy head."

"Morning snuggles."

She hit him on the shoulder. "You were supposed to be asleep!"

He chuckled, and the sound came easily and naturally. "And you were very warm against my side. Don't worry. I didn't want to wake you, and I kind of liked it. But not in _that_ way. Just in an 'Aww, someone's there' kind of way. You know what I mean right?"

She grinned back at him and nodded. "Yeah I know. You've gotten a bit huggable. Not that I'm complaining mind you. I think it does you some good, not being afraid to hug someone."

He frowned "I am not afraid of hugging people. Especially in this body. I'm very prone to hugging. And kissing for that matter. I have no idea why. I think it might have had something to do with my feelings for Rose during the regeneration. I suppose it just sort of stuck. Not that I was really going around kissing everyone in my last incarnation, because I didn't. And I only kissed Rose once, and she doesn't even remember."

Martha's eyebrows rose at that last. "Umm, say that last bit again. Why doesn't she remember? Did you, you know...take it away from her or something?"

He grinned. "Oh I took something away from her alright. I needed to take it out of her before her head exploded. And, caught up in the moment, I used the straightest method there was. Through her mouth. She had opened up the Time Vortex in the TARDIS and the entirety of time and space was inside her head. While my mind is kind of built for that, hers wasn't. She was dying. I took her death into myself so she didn't and I died instead. Oh, and put the vortex back where it belonged. My last act in that body was to kiss someone I loved to save them. Kind of stuck I suppose."

She nodded, and sighed. "I'm sorry. About not letting you speak about her when..."

"Haven't we already had this apology?"

Martha blinked and frowned. "Umm, maybe. Point is, I really see it now. I didn't care that you were grieving over her. I just wanted you and no one else was there. I was a complete bitch about it."

He rolled over onto his side and wrapped her in a hug. He chuckled into her hair. "See? Not afraid of hugging. Just gotten a bit more...attached to it since Midnight."

He felt her smile against his shoulder. "Still, it's good yeah? And how are you by the way. I mean since yesterday? Not going to suddenly yell at me or anything?"

He actually took some time to analyse his feelings before answering. "No. I'm sorry about that by the way. I just...I wasn't in the best place when I woke up. I was kind of confused and disoriented. I didn't remember getting in that bed in the first place. I kind of crashed yesterday."

She squeezed him gently. "Don't worry about it. The sleep probably did you a world of good now that you've settled down."

"Yeah, it did. I was dead on my feet."

She laughed and he could feel it on his chest where her head was. He grinned. "Figuratively, of course. If I had really died, I'd be walking around with a new face. And I'm quite fond of this one."

"Oh, I bet you are. You're all pretty."

He let go of her, rolled onto his back and pouted at Martha. "You have been hanging around Donna too much lately. Well, at least you're not calling me an alien streak of nothing. Though, given half the chance, you probably would mate with me." He wiggled his eyebrows a bit at that last, and while it was a sore subject between the two, she thumped him on the chest and laughed loudly.

"Oh god, you think highly of yourself sometimes. Lord of the Pompous."

"That's me. Full of pomp. And that sounds scarily like something else now I think it. Speaking of, need to use your loo, and shave. When's the last time I shaved? How come no one even bothered telling me to shave? I'm growing a beard! My poor sideburns are being added to. That's not right..."

Martha scrunched up her nose. "Alright, that's a bit too much information right there. I'll go make breakfast while you're off shaving then, shall I?"

"Ooh, you shall. Do you have Weet Bix? I feel like Weet Bix. And some milk I think. I've kind of went off juice for the time being. Nothing but bad experiences with it the last 3 times I had it."

"Flavoured or plain?"

"Chocolate?"

"Alright. Go, do your thing. Clean your face. Get your sideburns showing again. And put the lid back down if you raise it, please. Men are hard enough to train sometimes without adding aliens to the mix."

He nodded and moved off the bed and out into the hallway. She followed, seeing him head for the toilet, before she went downstairs and rummaged through the cupboards. She found the cereal, put two weet bix in a bowl and grabbed the milk.

By the time the Doctor was back down, looking much better than he had in quite a long time, she had eaten her own and washed it down with a cup of coffee. She watched as he ate his breakfast, quickly but with minimum mess, opposite of how he had last night that's for sure.

In an hour he was asleep curled in the passenger seat of her car, his head lying rather awkwardly against the window. She really didn't know how to tell him that when his mouth was open like it is he drooled, though he'd find that out when he woke up undoubtedly.

Well, at least he wasn't snoring.

All up, the ride back was long, quiet and completely boring. By the time they reached Cardiff, she had decided to take Jack's offering of a bed and would have a little snooze of her own. She'd start work again Monday instead of tomorrow then. She'd go home tomorrow and spend the day with her mum and dad.

Donna met them in the parking lot. She was too tired herself to do much of anything, so got the other woman to handle the Doctor.

God knows...Donna would handle him and his moods far better than anyone. Probably from anywhere and anywhen.

She had just enough time on her hands to snuggle up to Tom, who had decided that hugging her during her sleep was better than sleeping without her. She had given him a greeting kiss too for good measure.

She was back off to sleep within minutes of falling into Jack's rather messy bed.

* * * * * * * * * *

Donna watched as Martha walked away, grumpy and looking a bit tired. The Doctor was still asleep, his head leaning at a very awkward angle, and his face on that side rather wet. She snorted and grinned. Oh, she could tease him over that for the rest of her life. Drooling in his sleep. Silly Martian.

Going over to the driver's side, she got in and pulled him back. To her delight he let out one hell of a snort as she did so, making some kind of weird snuffling noise afterwards.

He let out a loud exclamation of "Eww!" when he started to run his hands over his face to wake himself up a bit, and Donna, ready for it, laughed.

"That'll teach you not to sleep on the car door, won't it? Especially with your mouth open. And the vehicle moving. Bit of a bumpy ride was it?"

He blinked at her for a bit, shrugged, rummaged about until he found the tissues Martha kept in the glove box, and used one to wipe at his mouth, and another the window. "And that isn't half embarrassing. How in the world did I possibly manage to stay asleep? Where's Martha?"

"Martha looked about ready to roll over and go to bed herself. She went down to the hub. Come on you. I'm taking you to lunch. A little late, yeah, but knowing you, you didn't eat anything since Martha took you with her."

He actually did look insulted at that one. In a non pretend way. "Oi! I had both dinner last night, and breakfast this morning. You don't have to go rubbing in that I haven't been eating right. I know that. I have said it now multiple times. Right now I am saying a lot of things multiple times. Right now it seems to be the words multiple times and right now."

Donna frowned at him and rolled her eyes. "God, you talking to a therapist. What did you do? Talk him round in circles?"

He stopped talking and sighed. "Not really, no. Though I did find out he's outside his own time. Makes it a bit weird, but at the same time easier. He's...familiar with little ways time works because of it."

"I'm travelling through time with you, and I still don't get how it works."

He grinned. "Yeah, but you are finding out rules along the way, and how it can be fun, scary, tiresome, boring. Sometimes all on the same trip. Everyone takes to it differently. Some find it easier than others. Some can't stand it at all. Some need time to get used to the idea, and when ready come along. You and Mickey are the only two to fall in that category if I remember correctly. Still, beats kidnapping, people finding the TARDIS and thinking it a good hiding spot, curiosity getting others on board, invitations nowadays. I never started this journey on my own, doubt I will end it alone either, but at the same time I feel alone. Is that weird?"

Donna laughed and squeezed his shoulder. "Nah, you're weird anyway. Alien. Not me who needs to work out how the hell that brain of yours works."

He grinned back, and she realised that for once, it didn't seem like he was pretending. It was sad and not very big, but it was definitely a real smile there.

"You're looking better. A lot better actually."

He nodded. "Yeah. Martha thinks it's because I slept most of yesterday. And most of today that's gone by. Lunch you said? Can we have a hot dog? Don't know why. I just...bloody hell, it's like breakfast this morning. Guess I'm just getting my appetite back. Still, that's good."

"Yeah that's good. And why a hot dog?"

He shrugged at her, opened the car door and stepped out, wincing as he did so. "Ooooh ouch. Neck feels out of joint." He cracked it suddenly, hard to one side, and she could hear it from inside the car on the opposite side he had been in.

"Did that hurt?"

"No. It was already hurting."

"Sounded painful from here."

He sniffed and moved his arms around in circles a few times. "Nah, pains going now. Just needed to align everything back up again. Still. Lunch you said."

Donna, nodded, got out of the car, walked over to him and held out her arm. He grabbed it, smiling at her and they were off. The minute he begun steering her towards a place that sells hot dogs she dug her heels in and made him stop. "You are not going to eat a hot dog in front of me, mister. You'll have something good for you. Look, a sandwich bar. Lovely!"

He pouted for a bit, whining, but by the time they were inside and seated, him having ordered a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich, while Donna ordered a salad sandwich with no meat, he was back to smiling at everything . She wasn't that keen on eating something that used to be alive.

Still, she had no qualms about eating meat if the alternative meant starving. Thankfully she hadn't yet been put in that kind of situation, though with the Doctor it was only a matter of time.

"So, think we'll be able to leave soon?" she asked, as he picked up the first little triangle of his order when it arrived.

"Hmm, hopefully," he mumbled around his mouthful, which made her roll her eyes. He hadn't ever had manners she suspected, not unless they were really called for and then she still had her doubts. Though he had been rather more formal that night with Agatha Christie.

Her sandwich arrived a bit later than his, and was cut in half only. It was big though, and she didn't mind about whether it was in rectangles, squares, soldiers or triangles. It was what was inside it that counted, ad she ate it in silence, as the Doctor watched, finished with his own.

"So! Anywhere in particular you want to go when we can leave?" he asked her when she had finished half her meal.

She stopped raising the other half to her mouth and frowned. "I dunno. Somewhere sunny with water. You still owe me that beach. Barring that somewhere just...exotic."

"Exotic huh? Wouldn't that include most places? Seeing as how you humans here don't have much of a planet at all really, anything off world is exotic. The _moon_ is exotic to you lot."

Sighing and rolling her eyes she chomped on her sandwich, listening to him babble on about different worlds and cultures and how they were either similar or strangely different to Earth. It was like things were right back to normal again, but for the fact that they were back on earth, in some sandwich bar down the street from Ianto's information booth, with a TARDIS that was being way too stubborn.

"So, you think it'll be soon then? That we'll be able to leave?"

He looked at her and frowned slightly as he thought about it, probably prodding the psychic link he had with the ship. "Yeah. Maybe later on today, maybe tomorrow. Tuesday at the latest."

And this time it was Donna that frowned. "Wouldn't be away too long. Did you set your next appointment for Friday too?"

A look crossed his face, before he closed his eyes and groaned. "I was in such a bloody rush to get out and go to sleep, that I forgot. Do I need to? Couldn't I just...rock up unannounced or something? I don't really know if it's going to do any good at all, but it was good to just...well, you know..."

She frowned. "Yeah. Well, as soon as we get back then."

He grimaced. "Yeah. Can we go now? I'm not feeling that great."

"What, you all sad again now? Sorry, didn't mean to get you out of a good mood."

He shook his head. "No, just feel sick. Not nauseous but a general sense of malaise. Have since you woke me up. I'm getting a bit of a headache too."

"Oh. Might be coming down with something."

"Yeah, maybe. Cold perhaps? Not usually susceptible, but with my moods being so low lately, well, it lowers the body's immune system. Perfect. Still, a simple cold won't kill me. None of the strains of it I can be infected with are lethal. And I'm sure I could suffer through that with the TARDIS in the vortex. We can go to some place that hasn't got much of...ooh! Exotic you said! Hah, got the perfect place in mind. Wear clothes for warmer climates. Even during the rainy season. Let's go, Donna Noble. Allons-y!"

He got up quickly and tripped on his shoelace. She laughed at his antics. He definitely seemed to be feeling better in the mood department. He grinned up at her all splayed on the floor and held out his hand. She grabbed it and yanked him back up to his feet, where she had to catch him before he fell back to the ground as his head spun.

"Whoa! Whee! There goes my head. Definitely think I might have caught something. Hmm, if I start moaning that I'm dying, kick me. I refuse to be part of a bad stereotype about men not being able to take being ill."

"You're on Spaceman. Let's get back before everyone begins to wonder at what alien we've been kidnapped by."

He laughed at that, loud and long, and trailing off into a bit of a sharp cough. "Yeah, we better get back, or we'll have both Torchwood and UNIT after us. Still, Hub's not far away."

They were back in with Jack and his team within five minutes. Martha was still asleep, but Tom was up and about. The Doctor smiled and waved. "Martha had wanted to come here and go again today. Guess she must have just been a bit more knackered than any of us had realised. She asleep?"

"Yeah, she's asleep. We'll leave tomorrow. At least this way she can do a proper goodbye. She'd be worrying herself sick if she doesn't," Tom stated, coming over and laying a hand against his forehead, which to him still felt cooler than a humans. To her it still felt cooler than normal, but she knew that it was a little too high for the Doctor's comfort.

"You're looking a bit flushed. Do you feel hot?"

The Doctor squirmed and nodded. "Yeah, a bit. Think I might have caught something one of the days I was away from the hub. Just a cold I think. Small temperature rise, nothing major. Not high enough to be classed as even a mild threat. My body is very good at fighting disease if it gets infected by one."

Donna rolled her eyes. "He'd be dying and wouldn't admit to it. Have body parts chopped off, while saying it's just a flesh wound. You know, like that chap from that Monty Python movie."

He looked at her with a put on pout. "I would not. I'd at least say 'Ow!'"

"Sure you would, sunshine. And I'm your mother."

He scowled at her. "You could be with how much harping you're doing over my health."

She slapped him harder than she thought, and he ended up blinking up at her from his new position on his bum on the floor. He looked back down with a sigh. "Sorry. I don't feel well. Other than that I was in a pretty good mood for once before you slapped me."

Rolling her eyes, she pulled him up when he held out his hand and almost dragged him to where the TARDIS stood. "Good mood or not, get inside and go find out what the heck is wrong, alright?"

He grinned at her and poked out his tongue before answering with a girlish "Yes mum," before he disappeared inside, leaving the main door of the TARDIS opened.

Sighing and relaxing her shoulders, Donna let herself in, and sat down on the seat in the console room. It had been shocking waiting for him to come back, but at least he seemed to be better mood wise. It was odd to see him complaining of feeling sick, while being in a good mood. For one, it had been a while since he'd been in a truly good mood, and for another, he'd never been ill around her before.

Well, he'd vomited, but there'd always been another reason for it. She'd picked up a bug somewhere herself once. She'd felt like crap for a week. And he'd stayed with her to look after her. It was only fair she did the same.

Well, at least she had help in that matter.

Could have been worse. The bug she had caught might have been fatal to humans.

The Doctor came back out to her a few minutes later with a scowl on his face. "Paxolar virus. Named after the planet it originates from. Bloody hell. Well, good news, I'm not dying. Bad news, I'm going to be doing a lot more moaning than I had planned on."

Donna frowned. "What's this Paxolar virus thing then?"

"Basically...it's a bug that likes cooler body temperatures. I can't catch the same colds or flu's as you lot, because of the temperature differences in our bodies. It's like the common cold humans get except with much less coughing and more of the body ache. And headache. Still, I shouldn't start vomiting on you or anything, unless the fever I'm going to get sky rockets a bit too high. Which it shouldn't. I won't be able to run very far or fast, but you can't catch it, and my plans are still doable if you'd like to go. Well, when the old girl here is ready."

He gave the console a gentle pat and Donna smiled. "You would push it wouldn't you. Bad headache and you're allergic to human pain meds."

He looked at her strange and nodded. "Yeah, human stuff. Doesn't mean I'm allergic to all pain meds. I can make my own if I need it. And I've got stuff for pain in the med bay. I don't need it now. Not really in pain, just kind of a throb behind my eyes. Nothing bad. And I haven't got a fever yet, just a small temperature rise. Tomorrow though, will probably be hell. Thankfully it should be out of my system in roughly 3 days."

Donna smiled. "Yeah, that's a good thing. And, hey, you get sick too. Hah! Whoever would have thought? Not too much different to us humans then, hey?"

He grinned at her. "Not in all things, no."

"Whinger."

He corrected her slightly. "Sick whinger."

"Doesn't matter. Go to bed. Oh! Before you do, show me what these meds of yours look like. Cause I doubt you'll be moving out of bed much the next few days."

He frowned. "Thought you wanted me to make this call first. Or it'll never get done and I'll probably lose my nerve and never call again."

Donna blinked. She had forgotten about that. Frowning, she sat down in the seat and sighed. "You don't have to if you don't want to. Keep going, I mean. It is your choice."

He looked at her for a bit, his cheeks pale but slightly flushed at the same time, and sighed. "Yeah. I don't know if it will help or not, but...well, I guess it would be good for me. I feel like I need this or something, at least for the time being...and again with the repeating, sorry."

She stared at him for a bit and smiled. "Yeah. Go on then."

He grinned at her, and it was such a normal act on his part, like most of the things he had done or said today, that she felt something inside clench at the thought of it disappearing back to nothing. She wondered if he would really be allergic to anti-depressants too.

Could he make himself some of them if he was clinically diagnosed as depressed? Maybe she should call this Jeremy fellow too, just to see...

She left the room when he picked up the phone receiver (it looked like it was straight out of the 70's) and dialled. That was his business right now, and he probably wouldn't be too happy with her hovering over his shoulder like some kind of voyeur of his inner thoughts.

She'd wait in the Library. There was an Agatha Christie book just waiting for her somewhere up on the shelves in there.

* * * * * * * * * *

The secretary lad answered the phone again, but this time he had been ready for it. Sort of. He was still expecting that if he called a number for a certain person that that person should answer the phone. Probably because everyone he knew and now kept in contact with had personal phones. Mobiles. Maybe there was another number for if he really needed to... "Hello? Um, I was there early yesterday and...forgot to set a next appointment."

He was asked when he would like to set it, what day, and was lost. Was he supposed to choose himself? Didn't Jeremy have other people to see? Like Martha and the rest of the Jones clan. There were 7 days in an Earth week, with 24 hours for each. Was he supposed to just choose 1 hour out of an entire weekly period and hoped he got lucky? Last time, Jeremy chose for him, didn't he? He just agreed to the time.

His answer to those questions was the most eloquent "Er..." in history.

Well, at least right now he was just confused and not breaking down in a rather embarrassing crying fit.

"Sir? Are you still there?"

The Doctor sighed loudly. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I can't...is Jeremy busy? I don't think this is really going to get done like this..."

It wasn't that he didn't trust the secretary. It was that he didn't know him. And it definitely was that he didn't want a stranger knowing when and why he would be going in. It was wrong somehow, or maybe he was getting paranoid. The boy was human after all, and you couldn't trust a stranger, especially if they were human.

Alright, maybe he didn't trust him after all.

Wait...something was wrong...

"Umm, please?"

A sigh was heard. "Wait a moment, sir. I'll go see if he can come to the phone. He's in right now."

In with a patient? In his office alone? Just in the building? Well, he was sure someone had mentioned to him somewhere the past few weeks that he did go to other people's places for sessions.

Had that been Martha or Donna? He couldn't remember properly. It would come back to him, he was sure, as soon as this boy got off the phone.

"Hello?"

"Jeremy? Hello. Umm, I kind of forgot to get a time for next week. I completely just...kind of ran off a bit there. Sorry."

There was silence for a few seconds, before an answer. "Ah, Doctor. I wasn't told who was calling." Well, at least the voice on the other end didn't sound angry or bored.

He blinked and coughed in embarrassment. "Um, yeah, sorry about that too. I'm doing a lot of that lately. Apologising I mean. I got into a fight with Martha last night. I threw stuff. I swore. I don't usually do that. Well, not in English anyway..."

There was another silence, this one a bit longer. "Have you gotten into any other fights like that one?"

Fidgeting, he wrapped the chord of the phone around his fingers and didn't say anything for a bit. "Umm, like that, no. But I have had a bit of a problem with my anger lately."

"With your anger, not just anger in general?"

Sighing, he suddenly felt like this was a bad idea. "Yeah."

"Are Fridays good?"

He was blindsided for a second by the complete turn round of the conversation. And it took him a few seconds to figure out what had just been said. "Oh, umm, yeah any day, just...don't ask me to choose a time. It's a silly idea, which I don't think your secretary has a grasp on."

And like that the whole talk had changed from a serious one to a light-hearted one. He had no idea how that had happened either. Jeremy laughed. "Yes, I can see why you asked for me then, if he kept asking you to choose a time."

"Yeah."

"11-12 good? I'm free then."

"Yeah."

"Next week then, Doctor."

He nodded even though it wouldn't be seen. "Yeah."

Jeremy hung up on the other end, and he was left holding a phone with a rather annoying dial tone. Hanging up himself he was momentarily at a loss as to what to do with himself. He had done that, but now he didn't know what to do now that was over.

He remembered Donna and her request for him to show her what he should take if he started to really hurt. He went to the med bay, and got out what was needed, filling a vial with the stuff and putting it in the syringe.

He'd give it to Donna before going to bed later on. Right now, he wasn't in the mood for sleep, and he didn't feel that bad.

He felt even better with himself when the TARDIS chimed in with her readiness to move.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

By the time morning arrived, he couldn't breathe through his nose, he had a slight fever and his head felt like it was ready to split apart. It wouldn't be too bad if the headache would just go away. Everything else he could live with.

He didn't want Donna to know he was uncomfortable. So, instead of going to her for a bit of relief for his head, he walked out into the Hub and laid himself down on the couch there, waiting for Martha to get up from where she and Tom were sleeping once again, in Jack's room.

The TARDIS was quiet in his head, thankfully. Probably because she could feel his pain. The little one was being quiet too, for once.

He must have dozed off, because one minute he had been rubbing his head gently to try and ease the ache, and the next he was opening his eyes and looking up at Martha. That was alright, he hadn't had much sleep during the night.

"You were snoring," she stated, grinning down at him.

"Nose blocked. Sorry."

"Nah, that's alright. Tom told me you were sick."

He grunted and rubbed at his head. "When are you leaving? Because I think I need to go and get Donna first."

She shrugged. "I was going to wait until Jack was in. He's not here yet."

Smiling slightly at that, and finding it difficult to focus properly, he sighed. "Yeah, good idea. I'll go get Donna."

He sat up and almost fell back down again, as his head begun to spin. He closed his eyes and waited for a few seconds before he tried moving again. His brain pounded in his skull and he felt like he was going to be blinded by it.

"Or maybe not. I've got a migraine..."

Martha looked at him, worry clear on her face. "You want something for it?"

"Donna's got my medicine..."

"Want me to get her?"

He didn't want Donna to know, but his head was about to cave in, so he nodded and closed his eyes before he told Martha no. The motion sent his head reeling, and it was all he could do right then not to vomit over the floor.

It felt like forever before Donna was out there, with Martha by her side, and he would have to wait at least several more minutes once he'd had the meds before he'd feel them starting to work. He spent the time it took before he was pain free with his eyes closed.

Sighing in relief when he felt better, he opened his eyes and grinned. "Thanks. That came out of nowhere."

Donna shoved his feet off the couch and sat down next to him. "Yeah right. And I bet you were feeling as right as rain too when you snuck out here too."

He frowned. "I didn't sneak. And no I didn't feel right as rain. I also didn't have that much of a headache. I definitely had one, yeah, I told you I would, but not one in which I needed to go to you for it."

He may be lying, but only slightly. He would have gone to her if the pain got unbearable.

"It was bad though wasn't it, and don't tell me lies, cause I can tell."

He fidgeted around for a bit, before sighing. "Yeah it was bad, but not migraine bad. That came on suddenly."

Luckily for him, confessing this seemed to have appeased Donna, and she didn't look angry at him for lying or keeping things from her. For once. Well, that was a nice change.

He coughed and sniffed. "Bloody hell, I feel like my sinuses have decided to go on a long leave vacation and instead of emptying the house, stuffed it full instead..."

Martha laughed at that, but Donna looked at him like he was going nuts. "Don't go all Spaceman on me now. We're soon going to be leaving and then you'll stop frothing at the mouth. Well, maybe."

"You think I'm crazy then? You wouldn't be the first, and definitely won't be the last. Try being me sometime. It's not as glamorous as people make it out to be."

"Aw, come on Doc, you know we all love you," came the unexpected voice of Jack from the door, and he jumped slightly at it, and that set him off coughing. Thankfully, it wasn't too forceful, so it was merely annoying instead of hacking up his lungs painful.

"What have I said about calling me Doc? I don't like it, I haven't ever liked it, and I still don't." He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice and failed. He was sick right now and his head, while not banging around anymore, was feeling light and airy. He did not want to have to put up with Jack's type of teasing right now.

"Whoa, okay, settle down."

He turned to Jack and scowled. "Not in the mood Jack, really not in the mood."

Sighing, Jack came fully into the Hub, and Ianto behind him scowled. The other three weren't yet in sight, but he had a feeling they'd show up soon enough. As if to muck with his head even further, Tom came up from the bedroom.

Getting up, glad he didn't fall back down again, he almost ran back into the TARDIS to get away from the crowd that seemed to be suffocating him just then. He closed the door behind him and felt like he was closed off from everything.

He went to his room, feeling like it was probably the only place right then he felt welcome. Not really tired, though he knew he'd be resting most of the day since he'd only get worse today, he went over to his workbench instead. On it was a prototype he'd started to build for a new sonic screwdriver, which if done right would be included the red setting River had mentioned.

He didn't want to work on that in case he screwed it up, and instead he got out a screwdriver set of the non sonic kind and went to work on another little electronic gadget he was working on for fun. It didn't have a purpose yet, it was just a bunch of metal and a sonic device. He liked his sonic things. He could turn it into anything and right now he was bored out of his mind.

He had been in there for only 5 minutes when there was a knock on the door. "Enter," he called out, letting Donna or Martha know that he wasn't mad or upset or anything.

Or Ianto as it turned out to be, who had come in with a steaming cup of freshly made tea for him. He brightened at that. "Ooh, Ianto, a man after my hearts. Thank you."

He drank the tea fast, not knowing if he would be able to handle the heat of it. It made him wish to sweat, but he wasn't. Fever, damn. Cool drinks from now on. "Anyone ever tell you that your skill with making a hot drink is brilliant?"

"Every time someone drinks one."

He grinned. "Hah! Nice response. And I bet it's true too. Well, only water for me for the next few days. That really didn't help my internal temperature."

"Yes, well, Jack didn't tell me you were sick. No one did, actually."

The Doctor blinked. "Really? Seems to me that it's pretty obvious right now."

"It is, but that isn't the point."

Sighing, he nodded. "Yeah, it isn't. Sorry. Is Martha still outside?" Ianto nodded, before leaving his room. He got up and went out after him. "Um, I'd be careful if I were you. The TARDIS has a habit of moving rooms about on purpose."

An indignant whine from his ship showed how much she thought of that statement and he grinned. "And she doesn't like being teased too much either. How did you find me anyway?"

"Your name was on the door."

The Doctor blinked. He looked at his door, but as was expected, his name wasn't there. "Umm, okay. It's not now. Probably the TARDIS. She can do things like that too."

"What else can this ship do?"

He shrugged. "As long as it is a room or something inside her, practically anything. Well, something that's part of her. She can't do much to actual people, except hum. Occasionally, if they're telepathic, she can communicate further, images, feelings, that kind of thing. And food, she can't make that out of thin air. Run out of milk an awful lot..."

Ianto nodded shortly, before turning around and walking to where the door to the console room was. Since said door was open, it was at least easy enough to find. The Doctor grinned again, as it was plain for him to see that the TARDIS was trying to make him happy by not getting people lost.

The TARDIS door was open thankfully, so he didn't have to go through an embarrassing turn in front of Ianto, who he was still unsure about. Martha had taken his place on the couch, while Donna had gotten up so Tom could take her seat. Jack was standing in front of them both.

"There he is," Donna stated, walking up to him and standing at his side, grabbing one of his arms and dragging him to the couch.

"Here I am. And just so you know, my head really doesn't like fast movements right now. And sorry. For running off. Too many people at once walking in. Sorry."

Martha got up and smiled. "Nah, that's alright. We kind of guessed that's why you left. You look worse."

"Feel it too. Pain free now, but, you know, bleh."

She laughed. "Yeah, well, I've talked to Owen who came in while you were out of the room, and he's going to be watching you while you're sick."

He rolled his eyes. "Brilliant. I've got a babysitter."

"You look like you're about to pass out. And you sound like someone is holding your nose."

Crossing his arms at her, he raised an eyebrow. "I have very bad sinuses right now, probably because of this cold. And I feel like I'm going to pass out."

Donna yanked on his arm and got him sitting back down on the couch. "Stay there. We can all look in on you then."

He grinned with a light headedness he wasn't really used to. "Yeah. Look, I've got friends, heh. Sorry, I hate goodbyes."

Martha came over to him and hugged him. "I know. But it's good to say bye to people. Get better soon, alright?"

He nodded into her shoulder and returned the hug. "Yeah I will. You go be a doctor for me."

"Will do. And I'll take my doctor with me too. Come on Tom, time to go. See you, Jack."

He watched as Donna and Jack hugged the both of them, and then Martha was gone, taking Tom with her. It seemed a bit fast, anti-climatic. Unreal. He didn't know how much so until he put his head down on the hand rest and found himself waking up again a few hours later feeling like he was going to burst into flames.

* * * * * * * * * *

After saying her own byes to Martha and Tom, Donna found the Doctor fast asleep on the couch, his head resting on the hand rest and his body half on and half off the piece of furniture. Grinning down at him, she moved his feet so they were resting on the other half of the couch.

Well, at least he'd be a bit more comfortable when he woke up at least, and he had stayed awake to see off Martha. What worried her was the heat he was giving off. He was hot enough to feel at about human temperature to her, which probably meant he had a raging fever.

At least it looked like he was comfortable at least, even if he was lying down on something a little too short for him. He was snoring slightly, and knew when he was more deeply asleep, he'd just get louder.

She went and sat down next to Tosh, who had just come in and was at her computer, looking at some weird kind of pattern on the screen.

"What's that then?" she asked, and Tosh looked at her and smiled.

"Readings from the Rift. It makes us see the jumps it makes, when or if a place in it or in the vicinity is going to open or close, and if we aren't near, how long it lasts. We only recently learnt it goes both ways. We already knew, but not on this scale. Sometimes the Rift brings things back."

Donna frowned. "Back from where?"

Tosh shrugged. "It's all rather random. The Rift opens up and just kind of...spits things out somewhere else in the Universe. Sometimes the Rift opens up in the same spot and brings whatever, or whoever, it took in the first place and brings them back. It doesn't always get pretty either."

Donna squirmed a bit on her seat. "What, it takes people?"

"It takes everything, sometimes. Well, not buildings or things like that, though once an aeroplane flew through."

And with that Donna smiled slightly and rolled her eyes. "Sounds a bit like travelling with the Doctor. You know it's all "Oh, let's go to a beach," and you end up somewhere like a desert, or a library, and he blames the TARDIS. Truth is, he's a very bad driver."

Tosh laughed then and shook her head. "Never end up at your chosen destination?"

She shrugged. "We do sometimes, mainly if it happens to be on Earth somewhere. The Doctor loves this planet. Don't know why really. It's small and there are billions of other worlds out there. First planet I went to that wasn't Earth, the Doctor hit the random button, which means the TARDIS chose where to take us. The Ood Sphere it was called. Planet of the Ood. Beautiful, but freezing. Sometimes I think that the Universe can't get anything right. But that's alright, because then no one or nothing is perfect and that seems right somehow, you know?"

Tosh grinned and nodded. "If the universe was perfect, there wouldn't be need of places like Torchwood in the first place and I'd be out of a job."

Donna smiled back. "Yeah. Big old mess isn't it. Still, its home anyway. For everything."

"Yes. Wouldn't want anywhere else either. Some of the things that come through the Rift, they scare me. But some things are good."

"Yeah. There's a lot of good life out there. A lot of bad too though. Guess it all kind of makes sense though. The Doctor feels like he's the only one there is that can look after it. He's got the whole universe on his shoulders and never gives himself a break. A bit of time out will probably do him some good. He can be a real idiot sometimes."

They both turned to look at where the Doctor was lying fast asleep and Donna sighed. Stupid Martian. Some proper sleep will do him the world of good. Yet again, he seemed to be getting too much sleep nowadays.

"I'm worried. He told me he only needs about 4 hours sleep, and not even every day. Now he's spending most of his time in bed."

Tosh looked back at her computer. "He's not well."

Donna nodded. "Yeah. He's got a high fever right now. Paxolar cold or flu or something he said yesterday."

Tosh shook her head. "No. I meant here," and she tapped her head lightly a few times.

Sighing, she nodded. "Yeah. He wasn't like this to begin with. A bit down maybe, and he really didn't want to be alone, which is why I think he agreed to take me with him. But he wasn't like this. What happened on Midnight scared him half to death."

Tosh nodded. "Yeah. Well, he'll get better."

"I hear that hidden maybe there, you know."

Tosh shook her head. "Not a maybe, more a hopefully. Torchwood was made to hunt him down and stop him, but Jack changed that rule when he took over this branch. He's not bad. He's a good guy, but one person can't take on the responsibility of everything."

Donna sighed. "Try telling him that," she said, pointing with her thumb behind her, where the Doctor still was lying on the couch snoring loudly.

They trailed off into silence after that. Donna decided that Tosh was a bit like the Doctor in the way she talked sometimes, especially if it was about some kind of technical or scientific thing, but she was nice.

She watched as the other woman worked for a bit, and jumped half a mile when she heard the shout behind her.

"I'm on fire!" the Doctor shouted. "Argh! Put me out!"

She looked at him and found him frowning, sitting up now, definitely not asleep. His face was paler than normal except for around his cheeks and nose, which were flushed red. "You're not on fire, you have a fever."

"Oh. Yeah, that'd explain it. I got bad fast."

She smiled at him. "Yeah. Want some water?"

He nodded and closed his eyes. "Dizzy. World spinning. My head is too now. Think I'll just...lie back down."

Donna got up and went over to where the small fridge where the milk was kept and got out the jug of water someone had put in there earlier. Filling up one of the tall glasses nearby, she went back over to him and held it out. It took him a minute before he grabbed it.

"Thanks. Guh, well, at least this time it's a cold drink. No tea, or hot chocolate, or coffee or anything else like that for a while, alright. Don't need to get any hotter than I am. Shouldn't need to. Persistent little bug, isn't it?"

Donna laughed at that and squeezed his shoulder. "Kind of reminds me of someone I know."

The Doctor looked at her with that false sense of confusion and asked "Who? Your mother?"

Her squeeze stopped for a few seconds so she could give him a small slap to the shoulder. "You, dumbo. Once you get your mind wrapped around something, you don't stop."

He grinned. "Well, I will stop if I find a better way, or if things just work out differently naturally. It does happen. And sometimes I just have to rely on other people."

"Like now."

He shook his head and his body shivered a bit afterwards. "No, like _then_."

Donna frowned. "What? I don't understand..."

"My words...if the Hostess hadn't heard me say things like Allons-y at the start of the trip, she never would have believed what Deedee had said about it still being in Sky. I'd be dead if it wasn't for her hearing that at the beginning. And I don't think she liked it much either. Too enthusiastic for her. I don't think she liked her job too much. Just did it because she was used to it. She sacrificed her own life to save me. Because it was right. Because she knew she couldn't risk anyone else's life when they got back to the leisure centre. Still, it helped that Deedee hadn't turned against me."

"It stole your words," whispered Donna, and the Doctor nodded. Truthfully, it never really made much sense to her until just now.

"Yeah. Stole my words, stole me. It was in my head, but not in me, if you can try to make sense out of that."

"Yeah, I can. Sort of."

He nodded, and sighed. "I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm really tired. Bloody fever..."

Donna nodded. "Yeah. Drink a bit more water first," she said going off to get him another glass. By the time she got back he was snoring. She put it down on the table and grinned. She'd go get a blanket or a sheet or something but he looked comfortable enough as it was, and she was afraid to make his temperature rise higher than it was.

Plus, there was always the chance it would wake him up, and she didn't want that. Not after he'd just told her what he had, which had been a lot more of what he'd told her when he'd got off the tour bus. He'd never said any of the people's names then.

It sounded like the only one who had known he hadn't been taken over himself had been this Deedee person. One thing was for sure, right now she wanted to go to that woman and hug her.

She wondered if this Deedee and the hostess who apparently had no name, like the Doctor, were the only ones who had been a help to him.

Who were the others? And who were the ones that had tried to kill him?

Well, right now that didn't matter. What mattered was that the Doctor was still with her and the rest of the universe, alive if a bit under the weather, and would soon be back to travelling and saving places and people.

He'd get better.

That was what really mattered.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Sometime while the Doctor was sleeping, the fever he had got worse. Owen, who Donna had called for, started putting cold bits of cloth on his face, neck, under his arm pits and, to her ultimate embarrassment and judging from the frown on the dead man's lips, his too, one was also placed along his thighs and groin.

"Anywhere the blood vessels are closest to the surface, the better. Martha gave me a list for his normal physiology. His temperature is so high if he was human he'd be dead. That he's not only still alive, but coherent when awake is amazing."

The Doctor slept through that, though he did begin to shiver with the cool cloths on his skin. Donna sighed and looked towards Owen. "Will he be alright, do you think?"

Shrugging, Owen walked back down to his morgue. "Dunno. The notes given to me said he can withstand temperatures up to 200 both ways, so he should be fine. But seeing as how it's only internal and not external too, his brain may be hurt. Damaged."

Donna closed her eyes and shook his head. "God, I don't think he'd stand that. He prides himself on his knowledge. It's the one thing he really _has_, you know?" Owen shrugged, and Donna sighed. "Fat lot of good you are."

"I'm dead, what's your excuse?"

"I'm pissed off, is my excuse."

He grinned at her. "Too bad I'm dead then, hey? Stops blood flow going to the right places."

She snorted, before laughing loudly, and the Doctor stirred from his sleep. "What's funny? And why am I wet in places that aren't supposed to be wet?"

Grabbing his hand and squeezing it, she grinned, still in a good mood after what Owen had said. "Your fever spiked a bit. We're trying to get it down."

He grinned, but it didn't meet his eyes which had that glassy dull look of the sick. "Thanks. I feel kind of...really out of it right now. If that is a feeling. Water would be good."

She got up from her place by the couch and went to get him a glass. By the time she got back, he was rid of three of the five cloths, the ones around his neck and face were still there. Owen seemed to be chatting up a storm, but as soon as she came into view, he stopped, and she missed exactly what he had been saying, but the Doctor had been listening. She could tell that even though he was a bit dopey at the moment in his movements.

He didn't drink the water right away. He had tried to lift his head and got dizzy. His eyes rolled in his head and he moaned. "No lifting my head. Can't lift my head. Don't like being dizzy. Martha, I don't feel too good."

Martha, oh god, he'd just called her Martha. "Doctor, its Donna, not Martha."

He blinked at her and frowned. "Donna? Where'd Martha go? She's a doctor you know. She might...might...gonna be sick."

He leaned over and vomited on her shoes. He heaved again, and she held his head away from her, and Owen was in time to get a trashcan under his head. Well, at least he was throwing up in something that meant it would be contained and ready to be thrown out.

After the Doctor was settled back and as comfortable as he was going to get, Owen went and grabbed a straw, as she didn't know where they were, and then they made him drink the water. It was oddly slow going, as he started to heave again if he drank too fast.

He didn't fall asleep right away afterwards. But at least he knew who she was again.

He frowned at her. "Did I really call you Martha?"

"Yeah."

He grimaced. "Sorry. My head is fuzzy."

"Feel better?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Still pain free too. Shouldn't need any more...stuff. For pain. You know...whatever they're called. Not today anyway."

She smiled. He wasn't being funny, and she wasn't finding anything amusing either, but her reaction was to try and make him feel better, and if that meant trying to keep his spirits up while he was busy being sick, then so be it. "Thought you said you wouldn't throw up."

He made a huffing sound that she supposed was supposed to be a laugh or chuckle. "If my fever wasn't too high. At least it's not high enough to do any damage. I can tell you that. Told Owen too."

She nodded. "That's what you two were discussing then, when I was getting you some water?"

He nodded and frowned. "You know that I never meant to ruin your shoes, right?"

That time, she did laugh. "Yeah, I know that, you dunce."

The Doctor blinked at her slowly, and grinned. "Yeah." He sighed and wriggled around for a bit. "Wish I was on my own bed though."

Donna blinked at that one. "On your bed? Why not in it?"

"Too hot. A sheet might be nice but...right now, no. I just want to be in my own room."

Sighing loudly, she shook her head. "Well, considering you can't sit up without throwing up, the only way you'd get there would be by being carried. And even then, I don't want to risk my shoes further, and you could break something of Owen's."

He grimaced. "Yeah. I'm fine here. Could use a pillow though. This _is_ wood my head is on right now, you know."

"You weren't complaining before. You were actually comfortable."

"The rest of me is."

Rolling her eyes but grinning to show she wasn't mad, she got up, went to Jack's little room and got one of his pillows. She really didn't want to have a hassle with the TARDIS if the ship was in the mood to hide things.

"Here. Jack's. Might as well enjoy it while you can. Jack, Gwen and Ianto are out on a weevil hunt. Whatever a weevil is. Alien by the sounds of it."

He grunted as a reply and she stuffed the pillow between him and the hand rest and he seemed to be a lot more comfortable than before. He smiled at her and closed his eyes. "Thanks. That's better. Sleep anywhere me..."

"Yeah, well, if anyone deserves some sleep right now, it's you."

He mumbled something but it was too low for her to hear properly, and in a few minutes he was back to snoring. She grinned and shook her head and went off to grab a seat. While he seemed to be fine now, again, apart from the obvious, she really didn't want to let him out of her sight.

"Just be thankful he hasn't started hallucinating. I really don't want to be here if he starts screaming bloody murder or something," Owen stated, coming back out of his autopsy room, where he had disappeared to when she had begun having her little talk with the Doctor.

"Oh god, I don't even want to think of that right now. Not a good thing with what he's been through in his life."

Owen smiled shortly at her, and she was quick to mark that it wasn't as a friendly gesture. "Oh, sure, because being dead isn't bad enough. Yeah, everyone has bad things happen to them, some more than others. I'm not exactly an angel. Not when I was alive. I'm actually a lot friendlier now dead than I ever was alive."

Donna shrugged. "You think I'm all nice and sweet and you've got another thing coming, buster."

He laughed at that, a short barking laugh, and she realised that it was honest, unlike the smile he had given her a few seconds ago. "I like you, Donna. You're feisty."

She threw her hair back behind her shoulders with a flick of her head to show off and grinned. "You better believe it. And, just so you know, you're not my type. You're like this one here," she replied, nudging the Doctor with a finger gently. "Too thin. I'd break you apart. Nah, I like a man more like Tom. Martha's a lucky girl with that one."

"I'll have you know that not eating anything is one hell of a way to lose weight. I wasn't always like this. I can't digest. I used to have at least a bit of muscle on me. Jack always complained that I should work out more though."

Donna smiled at that. "He's quite a charmer isn't he?"

"You snog him yet?"

Shrugging she shook her head. "Nah. I think Ianto might punch me for it."

Owen grinned at her and this time it was friendly. "You should do it anyway. I can assure you, that punch was for the Doctor only. Ianto really doesn't like him."

Without another word, Owen marched back downstairs into his own little place of the Hub and begun fiddling about with some data sheets. And she was left blinking. Had they even discussed what they were going to? Why had she been talking to him anyway?

Shaking her head, she watched the Doctor sleep for a bit before sighing and getting up. "I'm going in the TARDIS. Call me when he wakes up."

"Will do," came the shouted reply from the room below, and rolling her eyes again, Donna went inside. She would like to get some sleep herself.

Finding her bedroom was the closest door from the console room, she smiled and gave the TARDIS walls a pat. "Between you and me, I think we've got our work cut out for us."

The hum of the TARDIS changed pitch slightly, and while she couldn't understand whatever it was the TARDIS was trying to say, she took it as agreement with her and gave the wall another gentle pat.

Within five minutes, she was sleeping peacefully.

* * * * * * * * * *

By the time his mind latched on to anything solid and he could think properly again, the Doctor realised that three days had passed by. He did remember that both Owen and Donna had been around him quite a bit, and that when neither of them was available either Jack or Gwen was there.

He didn't remember much of seeing Tosh at anything but her desk. Yet again, she was rather busy. Sometimes he heard her voice calling out directions. He had thought it was his imagination, but she explained that sometimes if Ianto didn't stay behind, she did, and she would tell the team where to go to get to their target.

He was sweating rather profusely, which was both good and bad. Good in the sense that his fever had broken, and he'd be well in a day or two, bad that he needed to drink a lot still to not dehydrate. And he was covered in sweat.

"Can I have a bath?" he asked of Jack, when he had the sense to ask. He was still lying on their couch, and he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable now that he was aware that it wasn't the most comfortable place to be.

"I don't trust you in a bath right now. If you want one, you're going to have an audience."

He pouted. He was sick, weren't people supposed to cave under the orders of anything he said? That's how it worked with humans anyway, or so he had observed. "I'm sick Jack. I get dizzy standing too long. Hell, I haven't been able to sit up straight until now. How well do you think I'll do in a shower?"

That was true too. Every time he'd tried in the past two days to sit up had ended up with him being sick. Thankfully that seemed to be over now. Carefully and knowing he was still light headed and a bit spacey, he sat up and grinned. "See? Sitting up. No yucky vomit involved."

"Doctor, last time you had a bath, you tried to drown yourself. If you want one, you're not going to be alone."

"I'm not going to drown myself! I'm covered in sweat, I'm still not all here if you get my meaning, and if I did it would be because I fell asleep, not for any reason done on purpose. I was stupid that day alright? I admit it was a stupid thing to have tried."

Jack towered over him, with his hands crossed and frowned down at him. "Well, now you've given me another reason to make sure you have company. Just in case you fall asleep. Now, you choose who you want to help you in there, and then you can have a bath."

Sighing, the Doctor thought about it. His first thought was Donna, but she'd never let him live it down. Not so much for the seeing him naked part, but for the babysitting reason. He'd been in a good mood too when he'd woken up and found himself feeling better.

He found himself uncomfortable thinking about Jack bathing him again, mainly because that first time he'd been so unresponsive and that had been the time before the drowning incident. All he'd hear would be Jack's cracks about wanting to sleep with him, or someone else, or about his body. He didn't want that right now. He just wanted to get clean again.

That left the rest of the Torchwood team. Half of which were female, half male. Half would probably make fun of him, the other half wouldn't.

"Can I choose Gwen?"

"If Gwen says yes to it, then I see no reason why not."

He nodded. "Gwen"

Gwen was the easy choice. She was nice, she wouldn't tease him, and if anything she'd probably try to make him as comfortable as possible. She was just that type of person by nature. He didn't really care about what sex the person was, just as Jack didn't mind about sex for anything. He just wanted to be as comfortable as possible.

Gwen was the only choice right then.

Jack disappeared for a bit, going over to his desk and picking up the phone. Gwen wasn't in yet, but was bound to be in shortly. Jack came back with the news that it had been Rhys who answered the phone, who was getting ready for the work day himself.

Almost as soon as that was said, Gwen walked in, laughing along with Tosh about something that had been said before the circular door opened. She spotted him and smiled. "You look better then. Sitting up and all."

He grinned back at her. "Yeah. I want a bath."

"No one's stopping you."

He grimaced. "Jack is. He doesn't want me drowning myself. Try something once when you're not in the best mood and you never live it down..."

Her grin fell. "Oh."

He shifted in his seat, clearing his throat and wishing he had more water to drink afterwards. "Umm, I wanted you to be with me actually..."

She stared at him for a while, her mouth slightly opened, and her eyes wide. "You...want me in there when you have a bath?"

"I can't stand too long, so a shower's out, and I would probably fall asleep which isn't too good in the bath. Adult supervision is needed."

"Why me?"

Shrugging, the Doctor got up and wavered on the spot, his head spinning. Jack caught him before he fell. "Whoa, steady. Gwen, I'll help him to the bathroom, just...follow alright?"

She nodded. "Okay. I'm right behind you."

He was led to the TARDIS, Gwen following behind, stopping as she stepped inside and got her first real look at the difference between the outside and the inside of his ship, but she stayed within view.

Jack ran the bath and helped him undress. Once he was in the water (Jack had put in bubbles so not to embarrass Gwen too much) Jack left him in there and Gwen made sure that he was as decent as he was going to get.

He let himself go under the water for a few seconds, wetting his hair, and sat up quickly before running his fingers through it. He couldn't be bothered washing it right now, but at least he felt moderately cleaner there now he was wet and doing something to make himself feel better.

And while he knew he was still sick, he did feel a lot better. He was even in a good mood, and he was having his bath. He felt better now than he had before he had gotten sick.

He grabbed the soap and looked to Gwen. "So! How do you like working for Torchwood then? Interesting? Loathe it, love it?" He started washing his arms slowly so he didn't do anything that might make Jack think he was in here to harm himself.

"Oh, it's good enough. I get to see things most people don't even dream of. And now that Rhys knows about it, it makes things much easier. I managed to convince Jack not to retcon him."

With a frown, he went on to his legs. "Retcon?"

"It's a pill he has. Used it on me after I saw him the first time. I got curious and found out about Torchwood. A case I was working on made me remember what had happened."

He began scrubbing a bit harder than he meant to, and stopped before he did begin hurting himself accidentally in his anger. "He uses a pill to make people forget things? Oh, that's just...hypocritical of him. He's missing two years of his life. It's gone, and he has no idea what happened. It's the reason he went rogue in the first place from the Time Agency. They were always a bit too crafty for their own good. And yet think they rule the universe with their so called time travel. Hah! No better than little space hoppers which just so happen to work through time too. For real time travel you need a TARDIS. She's made for it, she is."

He leant over to the wall and gave it a pat, and she hummed in his head affection, mixed with a bit of irritation. He grinned. "Sorry old girl. I'll make sure to give you a bit of a scrub if you want one later."

She seemed happy with that idea, and the picture of her blue outside looking bluer than it had in quite a while popped into his head and he laughed. "A paint job? You don't need one of those."

The thrum she sent his way made her point quite loud. The Doctor frowned slightly. "Women..."

"What about women?"

Coughing slightly, as he had forgotten Gwen was there too, he turned to her and grinned sheepishly. "Oh, always trying to look good when they already do. Sorry, didn't mean to offend you or anything."

She smiled. "You didn't. Just...you're talking to yourself."

He was confused for a few seconds before he realised what he was talking about.

"Oh! No, I wasn't. I talk out loud to the TARDIS sometimes. Got into the habit a while back. A long while back. Blimey it's been centuries. I forget sometimes that not all humans can hear or understand the TARDIS. Some can. Some can't. Some don't because they don't believe she's a living being in her own right. And she is. The almost last of her kind. Jack's is doing fine now. It was getting a bit mucked up. Had no one to talk to. It tried, poor thing, but...no one to get through to. Not even Jack could understand properly enough to help. And couldn't even if he had been able to."

Talking stopped for a while, and he finished washing himself clean and leaned back to rest his body, as it was aching slightly. Gwen got a towel and brought it closer, for when he was ready to get out.

"You are really an alien then?" Gwen asked, her voice rather small.

"Your definition of alien can mean anything from someone living in another country to someone who comes from another planet. Either way _Jack_ is in the definition of both terms of the meaning. But he's human. Same as you just...kind of unable to stay dead.

"What's your definition then?"

"To me everything is alien, so, I define alien as me."

He could hear the confusion in Gwen's voice when she next talked, and didn't need to be told what she said. "I don't understand what you mean."

"I am the last of my kind. There are no other Time Lord's running around. They're gone, extinct but me. Jack was surprised I existed when he found out what I was. To him, Time Lord's were the thing of fairly tales, or since he was a Time Agent, a thing of legend. My planet and all my people with it are gone. So, when it comes down to it, everything around me is alien, and to save trouble for everything else, I call _myself_ the alien instead of the people around me. Makes things a lot easier."

Gwen nodded, reached out to pat him, hopefully on the shoulder, but pulled back when she remembered he was naked. "I'm sorry. Must be lonely."

"Yeah, but I'm used to it now. Been years since it happened, and life goes on the same for me as it had beforehand. I was...kind of a bad example of what a Time Lord is. But that's alright. And still, I have my friends, pick up people, show them the universe, they stay for a while before going on with their lives, and then go again. Then I find someone else. I _really_ don't want to lose Donna."

Gwen smiled at him. "The two of you are close."

He smiled and closed his eyes, as his body relaxed more than it had in a while. "Mmm, she's my best friend. I don't think I'll meet anyone like her again, or at least for a long time. She's a bit insecure, but a good friend, loyal, and isn't afraid to put me in my place." He laughed slightly. "Not many people do that. And I tend to go wild without it, especially in this incarnation..."

There was silence for a while and he felt like he was floating on more than just water as he began to drift off asleep. Gwen, doing what she was told to, shook him awake and he managed to wet her as he sat up to stop himself from sinking under the water. He rubbed at his face, and grabbed the towel.

"See, falling asleep. If I drowned, Jack would kill me for it." He would have gone on for a bit about why, but he yawned instead. "Where are my pyjamas? Think I'm going to go to bed for a while."

"I'll get them," Gwen said, getting up and going to his drawers and by the time he had gotten dry and had the towel wrapped around his waist, she had found the striped pj's that he had gotten from Jackie. He didn't say anything about that, mainly because they happened to be his favourites, and he was in them and tucked up in bed a few minutes later, feeling much more clear in his head.

By the time he woke up a few hours later, it was lunchtime and he was hungry. Donna was also by his bed, munching on a sandwich.

"Can I have one? I'm hungry," he stated, and she choked slightly before slapping his shoulder.

"Don't bloody scare me like that! What are you trying to do, choke me to death?!"

He pouted. "Sorry. I'm just restless I guess. Sick of being sick. I can get up now by the way. Had a bath and all."

"You didn't wake me up!"

"You don't need to be woken up for me to have a bath, Donna. I'm not going to collapse or anything. Well, not now anyway. I feel much better. And I'm hungry, did I mention that?"

She looked like she was going to yell at him a bit more, but she stopped and smiled instead. "Yeah, you did mention it. Well, got your appetite back, that's a good thing I suppose. What do you want on it?"

"Can I have jam? I want jam."

Donna rolled her eyes. "Jam, informative. Anything more particular, or should I just pick one out and surprise you?"

"Surprises are good. I like surprises. As long as they don't try to kill me."

He got a hand on his shoulder and a bit of a rub there at that, before she got up and left him. He sat up, rearranging his pillows behind him so he was comfortable, and waited. He didn't have to wait long, thankfully, before Donna came back in with two sandwiches for him. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed that they were marmalade sandwiches.

"Aww, marmalade! No one ever lets me eat marmalade unless it's for breakfast. Thanks!"

Donna grimaced the entire time he spent eating them. He enjoyed every bite.

"How can you eat that on plain bread not toasted after 10am?"

He grinned and licked his fingers clean of the orangey taste on them. "Easy! I open my mouth and stick whatever has marmalade on it in there, chew, swallow, digest. After 10am."

She smacked him on the arm again, this time with a smile and laugh. "You always so literal?"

"No. I just like to give you excuses to hit me," he replied with a wink.

"I knew it, you lecher."

"And yet you keep on doing it anyway."

She shook her head and smiled, and he felt the odd urge to just laugh. Or cry. He wasn't sure which, so he just hugged Donna instead. He was uncomfortably full now, but he didn't feel nauseous. He hadn't been eating properly, plus getting sick...he was amazed he could still eat solid foods at all. Maybe he should stick to soups for awhile.

"You're still a bit hot."

He started slightly at that. "Umm, yeah a bit, but I'm getting better now. Should be good by tomorrow afternoon, maybe Saturday."

Donna let out a laugh at that. "Tomorrow is good. I'll drag you to your next session if I have to. It's tomorrow."

He frowned at that and let go. "It's Thursday already? Where has this week gone?"

"You spent it in a miserable heap on a couch, going from sleep, to throwing up, to having tantrums about being sick."

He frowned. "I threw tantrums?"

She laughed again after that and shook her head. "Nah, just joking. You've been out of it."

Sighing, the Doctor shook his head. "I don't remember much of the past week. I remember little things, but not, you know, what I did or anything like that."

With a shrug, Donna patted his hand and grinned. "Well, I could tell you of that time you ruined my shoes, if you don't remember that. You talked a bit too, about what happened on the tour. Did the hostess have a name?"

He froze and frowned. "I said that? And yes, she had a name but she never told us what it was. Stupid thing was that's one of the reasons they decided to throw me out in the first place. Because of the no name thing..."

"_Do_ you have a name, or do you just like people calling you Doctor."

He looked at her funny. "Yes, I have a name. I just can't tell anyone what it is. There are reasons for that, and no, I'm not going to tell you what they are. There's only one reason I could give my name to someone. No one I've travelled with so far has gotten that from me. And, sorry to say it, but you're not the one."

"Not even Rose had your name?"

He shook his head. "No, not even Rose."

"But you loved her..."

He grinned and shook his head. "Did I say love was the exception to the rule?"

"No. You didn't say what the rules were, how am I supposed to know?!"

Nodding he left the conversation at that, glad when Donna realised that he wouldn't speak anymore on it. Getting up, even more glad when he didn't get dizzy and fall back on the bed, he moved out to the kitchen with his plate, just glad to be able to move on his own steam again.

After washing it up and finding Donna had followed him he smiled. "So! Want to go somewhere now? My surprise trip is waiting still, I haven't forgotten that. And it should be very peaceful and not dangerous at all. We can camp out under the stars!"

Donna grinned at him and shook her head. "Nah, I think we should wait until after you've gone tomorrow. That way, you can lift your own mood with the trip."

Tilting his head to the side in thought, he mulled that idea over in his head, before he straightened up, rubbed his hair vigorously and laughed. "Yeah, I think you've got the right idea with that. Alright, afterwards then. It's a plan."

Donna snorted. "Thought you were going to say date."

With a smile the Doctor winked at her. "Well, if you want it to be..."

She came over to him, whacked him on the arm and hugged him afterwards. "Not on your life, Spaceman."

He didn't mention that he rather thought that there was only the one sleeping bag he owned, and he didn't know if the TARDIS had another tucked away somewhere. Well, tomorrow they would find out, after a possible stop off at the Noble residence.

Either way, it would be fun.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

For the first time since he went and saw Jeremy last Friday, he had nightmares.

The first had been some simple thing, and he had gotten up for a drink of water before going back to sleep. The second one had him panting in fright for a good five minutes after he woke up, unable to remember what it had been about, or get back to sleep.

The good thing to him was that he hadn't woken up Donna, which meant he was probably quiet during the night. He had the feeling if he started screaming out, the TARDIS would wake her up.

Rubbing at his eyes, still kind of groggy and stuffed up from being sick, he made his way into the console room and sat himself down. He spent four hours pouting at the time rotor, ignoring the TARDIS's concerned whirring.

The lights came on when dawn arrived, and Donna stumbled into the room, frowning slightly when she saw him in there already.

"Did you get any sleep at all?"

He shrugged. "A bit. Not much."

"Were you sick?"

Shaking his head, he sighed loudly. "No. Nightmares again. Being sick stopped them or something. Either that or I'm nervous about going again today..."

Donna grinned at him and patted his shoulder. "You'll be fine. Want me to go with you? Or not? I think that can be arranged. I think. My mum went with me a few times, but it was planned ahead. Mainly we yelled at each other."

The Doctor grinned at that. "You want me to yell at you? I'm sure I can do that at any time."

"It was so she could understand what was going on in my life at the time or something like that. It wasn't supposed to turn into yelling matches. It's just who my mum is. Well, with me anyway."

"Sorry."

She shook her head and smiled at him. "Nah, don't be. She won't change. I tried and it failed."

"Martha didn't go in with me. She stayed outside. I asked..."

Donna pulled him into a loose hug, and he let her, liking the feel of being held. Since Donna had been travelling with him, he'd been much more touchy feely than he had been for a while. It felt oddly good. "Well, if you ask me, I'll say yes. You don't always have to go alone, you know. It might help. And I can tell him what I know of what happened at Midnight. It might help him help you."

He nodded. "Yeah. I'd like that. I didn't like being alone in there the first time, but Martha..."

"Didn't want to go in with you, yeah, I know. It's one of the reasons I didn't slap you. I wanted to go but thought that you might want to go in alone the first time."

Sighing loudly, the Doctor threw his arms in the air. "Great, so you were against me too then?"

Donna frowned and shook her head. "No. Don't be silly, Doctor. You had barely spoken to me in two days. I thought that you might want to go alone."

"So you chose for me? Thanks, Donna. I feel so much better knowing that. Why not take more choices away. Want to take the TARDIS too while you're at it? Make sure I never get any choice in any matter ever again?!"

She stared at him for a bit, before shaking her head. "Doctor, no one is taking away your choices. I am not taking away the TARDIS. I won't go in with you if you don't want me to, but I will if you do. It's _your_ choice. All yours."

He started pacing. He was feeling irritated again, on the verge of going into another rage, but this time he could feel it. "Donna, I'm about to rage out."

"You've got a few hours, Doctor, go calm down."

Running his hands through his hair, he nodded. "Yeah. Calm down. Sounds good. How do you do that again?"

"Go somewhere quiet. I dunno. Do what you feel. I'm just going to get you angrier."

He nodded. "No offence, but anyone could set me off right now. I'm just going to go for a walk. In, not out. Alone."

Donna nodded at him and turned around. He went to the door leading further into the TARDIS and went to get himself completely lost for a few hours.

* * * * * * * * * *

At 10:30 the phone on the TARDIS's console rang. Donna was so startled by the noise, it felt like she jumped half a mile. It took her another minute to find the phone.

It was one of those old fashioned ones, like they had in the 70's. It seemed to be in working order though. Picking it up, she had no idea how to answer it, so just stated in as rough a voice as she could manage a loud "Yeah, what do you want?"

"Hello? Are you travelling with the Doctor?"

"Maybe, who the hell are you?!"

"Jeremy. The Doctor told me to call him on this number before a session in case he was out or somewhere else inside his ship. Says she'd tell him when it rings."

She deflated at that. "Oh. Yeah, I'm Donna. Sorry. He wasn't in the best of moods earlier. He's wandering around somewhere inside. If the TARDIS is going to let him know, he'll be here soon enough."

"You said he was in a bad mood?"

Donna huffed. "Yeah. He took something I said the wrong way. I asked if he wanted me to go with him today and he said yes, then he told me Martha said no to that the first time he was there. I said that I thought he would have wanted to be alone the first week on how he had been acting and he got pretty angry about it. Thought I'd taken his choices away from him."

"Had you? Taken his choice away?"

Donna thought about that one and stuck to her original answer. "No. I think he really did want to go in there alone, he was just afraid."

"And now?"

"Now he might have calmed down a bit to give another yes or no answer to whether he wants me to go. I wanted to check with you first though. Just in case it's not allowed or has to be set up beforehand or something like that."

Before either of them said another word, the Doctor came in, panting slightly, his face slightly flushed. "Did the phone ring? Who is it?"

"The Doctor's here now. Hang on." Putting a hand over receiver she frowned at him. "What does it look like, Sherlock. Yeah, the phone was ringing. And it's Jeremy. You told him to call before you went."

He blinked and seemed to deflate from the spot. "Oh, I forgot. I thought it was...I know it couldn't have been but I thought it anyway."

"Rose?"

He frowned and shook his head. "No, her mother. Only other one with that phone number. I forgot I gave it to Jeremy."

She held the phone out to him, hoping that he'd take it and talk anyway, though he looked like someone who had just been kicked in the ribs. He did thankfully. She left him to talk on the phone, not interested in half a conversation.

She was caught by the movement of the TARDIS as they went somewhere else for the first time since getting to the Hub. Wondering where they were and hoping he didn't take them straight to his session, she hurried to her room and quickly got out the nearest clothes she could, just in case he did.

She ended up wearing a dark blue ankle length skirt and a long sleeved purple top she liked. Over it she threw on the first warm article of clothing she could find, thankful that it wasn't the huge, heavy coat she had ended up wearing on the planet of the Ood.

Well, no use planning what to wear right now. It wasn't her session anyway. She was just going for moral support. No need to get nervous and start wondering if she was wearing the right kind of clothes to a therapist.

Shaking her head, she got her brush and pulled it through her hair for a bit until she felt like she was presentable to go out and smiled into the mirror in her room.

Well, whether she was wearing the right clothes or not, she still looked good to her.

Going quickly back to the console room, she was stopped when she saw on the monitor that they were in the backyard of her mum's house. "Home? What are we doing here?" she asked, blinking up at the Doctor who to her surprise was still on the phone.

"You need a sleeping bag or something to sleep on. Just a quick stop. For later." He grinned up at her, and urged her to the door.

Rolling her eyes, hearing him start to talk on the phone again and turn to face the wall instead of the door, she left the TARDIS and took the few steps to the door of her mum's place. It was rather odd how much at home she was in the TARDIS now.

She had a sleeping bag that she sometimes used when she stayed outside with her gramps, while watching the stars. Just in case it was cold, she also grabbed a blanket to wrap around herself. Seemed she was going to be sleeping out in the open tonight.

Thankfully neither her mum nor grandfather was home, so she didn't have to stop for a chat or yelling match. In a few short minutes, she was back in the TARDIS with a huge smile on her face, wanting to know just what he had planned that would enable them to do something she had enjoyed with her gramps.

"All set! I like this surprise trip already."

The Doctor grinned right back at her. "Brilliant! But that's for later. You'll love it, I swear."

"Already do," she replied, going back to her room as the TARDIS began moving again to place her things ready for tonight.

By the time she was back out, the Doctor was waiting beside the door, and glaring at it slightly. Oh. He still hadn't gotten round to opening that door once it was closed. He cleared his throat. "Umm, Donna...I'm just going to...umm, yeah."

He swept out of the console room, and she opened the door, frowning as she did so. He'd have to face up to that again sometime soon. Not tonight though. Tonight was supposed to be a good night, and it would sap all the fun out of taking a break away from all the hard stuff. "It's open Doctor. You can come back out now."

He did so, his cheeks slightly red, and she knew it had nothing to do with the slight temperature he still may or may not have, and everything to do with embarrassment. Well, maybe mixed in with a bit of shame known him.

"Sorry. I just don't want to risk the chance of having the same thing as the first time happening again. I'll get there...tomorrow."

Flashbacks. He was afraid of one of those happening again. Didn't he know that the probability that one might be triggered in therapy was likely to happen? He'd have to relive it sometime, even if that day wasn't today. She shook her head and smiled at him. "So, are we there, then? And more importantly, is it the right time?"

He grinned and stepped out, looking about at chairs and a door. "Yep, we're there."

Donna stepped out after him, taking in the look of the place. Well, it didn't look too bad. Nice and homey in a hotel sort of way. But at least it didn't look like some kind of nut house. "What exactly is this place?"

"It's a hostel for lost and stranded aliens. They stay here until they fix their ship, or get a lift back to wherever they come from. I guess some may end up permanent residents. Not all aliens look human, you know. They'd need some place to stay where they can feel safe and get to know the locals. Its UNIT run."

"Ah. Sounds nice. If you're an alien."

"I am!" he replied with a cheeky grin in her direction. She laughed and hit him on the shoulder.

"Yeah, you're not wrong. So! Jeremy works here then, mainly with aliens."

The Doctor shrugged, turned towards the door and sat down. "Dunno. Martha says he also helps humans with concerns about aliens and who don't go blaming something else for it. You know, those who really see something. Like you that Christmas with the Racnoss."

She frowned, but nodded. "Yeah. Turned my eyes around, I'm telling you. And I'm one of those people who missed everything else."

He shook his head and grinned again. Well, at least he seemed in a happier mood today. Hopefully it stayed that way.

"Doesn't matter what you missed, Donna, only that you know better now. Better than most people on the planet. I only take the best after all."

"Super temp, that's me. Can't get any better than me in that field," she stated, grinning at him. She didn't really believe it herself, but as far as he was concerned it was true.

"Yep! You're the best, Donna. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, inclu..."

"Including you, yeah, you've said that to me before."

He nodded in her direction. "Yep, and I'll keep on saying it until you realise it's true."

They drifted off into an easy and comfortable silence, before the door opened and the Doctor stood up. There was a guarded stance about him she only saw when he was saying something about his past. It had been up when they had been discussing Jenny and why he didn't think he could have her on board full time. He was expecting pain.

The man in front of her looked to be in his middle years, but nice. He didn't look like her idea of what a therapist should look like. Hers had been the sort with the book and glasses and sometimes wore a frown. This guy looked happy, was glasses free and looked much more inviting.

"You're Jeremy?" she said, doubt in her voice. Well, no one had told her what to expect. She had thought that the people who did this sort of thing for a living would be the type of generic image she had in her head. Boy could her mum pick them for her...

"Yes I am. And you must be Donna, who answered the phone so loudly."

"Yeah. Sorry. Someone forgot to mention you had the number." She glared in the direction of the Doctor.

The Doctor glared back. "Someone forgot he had given the number."

She smiled. "Well, someone is very much on the verge of being smacked upside the head."

He rubbed his head and pouted at her, before smiling. "Something tells me that I should be on my guard."

Donna blinked and frowned. "You already are. I'm not blind. You've got that same look on your face you get whenever you bring up your past."

He shifted from foot to foot, and a silence that was rather uncomfortable passed over them. Jeremy cleared his throat and waved in the direction of the door. Looking to the ground, Donna walked in a few steps ahead of the Doctor.

She watched as the Doctor flopped himself down on to the couch, and laid himself down. Frowning, she poked at his feet.

He frowned at her. "What?"

"Move them or lose them, Doctor. I'm not standing up for an hour."

He blinked, before looking rather sheepish at not thinking. "Sorry. Sure." He sat up and patted the seat next to him. He made sure to give her the side his head had been. Who said you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks.

She smiled at him and had to stop herself from patting his head. She took her seat and wasn't surprised when he lowered himself back down and put his head on her lap. Almost without thinking, she begun running her fingers through his hair, making it stick up even more than it already was.

"Are you two always like this?" asked Jeremy, and they both said at the same time "Yes." Well, she said yeah, and the Doctor said yep, but it came down to the same thing.

Why the hell was _she_ so nervous?! Shifting slightly to a more comfortable position, the Doctor grunted and moved himself. In the end, they found a way they could both be comfortable. He sat up on his side of the couch.

Well, slumped more like.

"I'm glad you came today, Donna. I wanted to talk to you too. And some things I may ask here today may be easier for you to answer, because the Doctor might not realise or recognise the answers himself."

The Doctor sat forward at that and crossed his arms. "I can answer questions without help!"

"I'm not saying you can't, but sometimes things aren't recognisable to you, but others can see it. Especially if they are close to you."

He let himself fall back down to the couch, and Donna gently patted his knee. She wasn't sure exactly what questions would be asked, but she sure knew the difference between pre Midnight Doctor and post Midnight Doctor. "Come on, Doctor. I am the only one you've been with constantly the past few weeks."

He grimaced and nodded. "Yeah. Well, I've been around others too. But not as often as you."

She nodded. "Yeah. No one's had to put up with you for longer than a few hours at a time. How could they possibly go by a day without it?"

He snorted. "I'm sure they'd manage somehow."

"Well, it makes things not boring. You like not boring. I like not boring. Looking after you is still better than before I met you."

He shook his head. "You never gave yourself a chance."

"And then I did! See? All the difference in the world."

He turned to her and grinned, before sitting up straighter and turning back to Jeremy. "Yeah. Okay. Ask your questions. I'll answer as best as I can."

Jeremy nodded and turned to her. "Donna, I don't want you to answer for him. Answer only if he can't and I don't mean if it is a hard question. If he doesn't know the answer, you might know it. Also, if you think he may be lying or downplaying things jump in and tell me."

She nodded and kept quiet, sinking into the couch, and turning towards the Doctor.

"The questions are to give me some kind of guideline to how you are emotionally. Some will be awkward to answer, but do your best."

The Doctor nodded, and Donna squeezed his hand and held it in a show of caring and sympathy. She understood how hard these kinds of things were. It was one of the things she had done during grief counselling.

He clutched hard to her, and knew that he was at least thankful to have her be there, holding his hand. She wondered how long that would last.

* * * * * * * * * *

As Jeremy turned towards him, he could feel the slight flush he still had from the temperature fade. He felt drained already and he hadn't even said a word. This week wasn't going to be like last week, he could tell that immediately.

He shifted and clasped Donna's hand in a grip that must be too tight for her. Right then, he didn't care. He was actually glad she was there, because he really didn't think he'd be able to do this alone.

"Are you alright? You've gone pale."

"I've still got a bit of a temperature from having the flu if you must know."

Jeremy nodded. "Yes, you mentioned you had been sick over the phone. You're lucky it only lasted a week. The boy you caught it from was sick for two."

He shrugged. He was too tense for any small talk. "Just...ask your questions."

"Would you like some water first?"

He blinked, not expecting that to have popped up, but he nodded. "Water would be good. Yeah, thanks."

Jeremy got up, went over to a desk over to one side of the room, and poured out a glass of water from a jug. He hadn't noticed there was a desk in the room, let alone everything else. Well, he'll leave the exploring until later.

The glass was set on the table in front of him, and he quickly picked it up and drank the water. He felt a bit better afterwards. He must be getting a bit dehydrated. He sighed and coughed. "Thanks."

Jeremy nodded, and Donna smiled at him. He grinned back at her, before letting his tight grip ease up so he didn't end up breaking her hand. He felt her flex her hand and winced. "Sorry Donna."

"Don't worry about it."

He grimaced, but nodded, knowing that Donna would harp on unless he let that go. "Okay, I'm ready."

Jeremy smiled slightly at him, and it was rather unnerving, but he smiled back. He could answer questions. He did it all the time after all.

"You mentioned nightmares. I'd like to know how much sleep you've been getting."

The Doctor frowned slightly. "Didn't I mention this last week?"

"You're deflecting. I may ask you questions multiple times. Sometimes the answer changes, on whether the person in question has had a better or worse week."

"Ah. Umm, well this week I've spent most of it asleep. Not on purpose mind you, I was too exhausted to do much of anything else, except maybe be sick over everyone's shoes..." He slid his glance to Donna at that and grinned. "I'll buy you a new pair. Eventually."

"Oh, I just bet you will, Spaceman."

He chuckled and shook his head, before continuing with his answer. "I haven't had nightmares the past week. Well, the first one I had was last night, and that was me getting better. I don't know if it was the illness keeping them from me, or just me having gotten lucky in that department."

Jeremy nodded. "Any idea which one you think it was?"

He shook his head. "No. Ask me again next week. I'll know by then."

"Okay. Do you feel rested now?"

Nodding, the Doctor shrugged. "I didn't sleep too well last night, and I'm still a bit tired from being sick, but I do feel a lot more rested than I did last week."

"You look better too. A little more pale, but that's probably because you have been ill."

Blinking, he nodded and grinned a bit. He had looked a bit of a mess last time he had come in. He knew that now. At least he was presentable this week. "I shaved. And slept. And changed my suit. If I don't look better, then there is something seriously wrong with me."

"Do you believe there is something wrong with you?"

He glared at that one. "Would I be here otherwise?"

Jeremy sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I guess not."

"You're a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. If I was just worried, I'd go elsewhere."

Jeremy got himself more comfortable after that and smiled at him. "I have a degree in xenopsychiatry. What can I say, learning about treating alien life forms mentally seemed a challenge, and it was very rewarding for me. Coming here, the xeno had to be crossed off to start with. Because I didn't know places like Torchwood or UNIT existed for a while, I had to go on to study again. Psychiatry, naturally. I prefer just being called a therapist by this point. One word can cover a lot."

There was one part to that which made the Doctor relax slightly more than he thought he would, and that was the xeno part of the conversation. "You're really qualified to actually treat aliens then? I thought UNIT was just being overly nice..."

"Yes, I'm qualified. For humans too."

The Doctor looked towards Donna, who was staring blankly at the table in front of her. She blinked, looked at him for a few seconds, before she let out a loud "What? Not my session, and you're doing fine answering your own questions so far."

He grinned. "Yeah. Questions. Sorry, got a bit sidetracked there."

"But you're a lot more relaxed now."

Shrugging, he nodded. "Yeah. I guess knowing that helped me a bit."

"Any more panic attacks? Flashbacks? Odd fears?"

He winced. "No to the first two, thankfully, but the fears...yeah. Not that I've really been anywhere to spring off a panic attack. It's usually groups of strangers that do that to me. Or public transport."

"What is it you're afraid of?"

He shifted and coughed, which tickled the back of his throat and sent him spiralling into a bout of coughing that lasted a minute. He really didn't want to answer that question, but he knew that Donna knew, and he really didn't want to have her saying it. It wouldn't make him feel any better, and he had a feeling she wouldn't until he either took it back or didn't state it too clearly enough for her.

He was handed another glass of water and after it was empty, cleared his throat. "Sorry. It's just really stupid and I don't understand it."

Jeremy looked patiently in his direction and he felt himself going red in the face. And that's another problem he'd had of late. Blushing. Why did he have to start blushing? "Um, I have this odd fear of opening the TARDIS door to go outside. Any other door inside her or anywhere else for that matter, well, that I've come across so far anyway, I'm fine. But her main door...I can't open it. I can't even touch it."

"Any ideas as to why that door is giving you trouble but not others?"

He shook his head, no. If he knew that, he wouldn't feel so bloody stupid over it. "It's annoying. I can't be in the room when that door is opened. It either gives me a panic attack, or irritates me to the point where I kind of...shout. I don't get _angry_ angry over it, but just...yeah."

Jeremy's eyes turned to Donna, who was busy listening to the conversation, and picking at a loose thread of her sleeve. "He's afraid it might set him off as far as I know. He leaves the room if we're going outside so I can open it. Or someone else can if not me. Jack's been inside a bit, and so has Martha. Usually he's been leaving the door open, but since we're going off again tonight, he's going to have to stop that."

Jeremy nodded. "Alright, how about crying?"

"Last Friday. I was up and down like a yoyo after I got out. I slept the rest of the day, woke up, had a nice dinner and talk with Martha and Francine, then just went up to the room I had stayed in and cried. I didn't want company after that for a while."

"You mentioned having a fight with Martha that night..."

"Yeah, she came in when I didn't want her to. That irritated me. I told her I wanted to be left alone, she stayed. It wasn't until she touched my knee that I snapped."

"Your knee?"

Closing his eyes, the Doctor let out his breath. "I haven't told you yet, have I? I was dragged when unable to move or defend myself by three people, one at my ankles, one at my knees, one at my shoulders."

"So it was the touch that set you off, you wouldn't have gone so overboard if she hadn't touched you there?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I apologised after. I told her not to touch me in those places if I was irritated. Then she apologised. We ended that fight with deciding it was a misunderstanding. Neither of us knew I'd snap like that at her."

"You didn't know?"

He shook his head. "No."

The room went quiet for a few minutes, the ticking of that infernal clock the only thing making noise. Donna once again went for his hand and gave it a bit of a squeeze, before Jeremy asked his next question.

"Have you ever thought of or tried to commit suicide?"

He froze. The easy way to answer would be to just say yes. But then he'd be asked to elaborate, and he didn't want to go through with that. It hasn't just been once. Hell it's been more than twice. A few times the only thing he could think of was his own death. Thankfully every time that happened to him, someone was always around to pull him out of it.

He nodded slowly. For the time being it was all the answer he felt he could give without doing something stupid. He was finding it hard to breathe. He dropped Donna's hand, got up and meant to walk towards the door. He got two paces before he fell.

He must have looked very pale beforehand, because when he woke up a few minutes later he was being held in a sitting position by Donna, and he wasn't hurting anywhere which would state he had hit the ground or the table.

"Oh, how embarrassing is that? Don't move me Donna, or I'll be buying you two new pairs of shoes..."

Donna huffed at him, and he felt it more than heard it. "If you're going to be sick do it in the bin beside me, not on me."

He slowly turned his head to the side and spotted the bin. It was a small black number and closer to where he was than where it must have originally been. He grunted. "Just give me a sec. I'm fine. Dizziness is passing now."

He felt fine again, if a little shaky, in a few seconds and he got off of Donna's lap and climbed slowly to his feet. He stayed upright, and nausea was nicely absent. He still sat back down on the couch when he felt ready to walk. "Okay, that wasn't my finest moment. At least I didn't hit the ground. Thanks Donna."

"Why the hell did you get up if you were dizzy?"

He frowned up at her. "I got dizzy while getting up. I wasn't dizzy when I decided to."

She looked at him, a scowl on her face. Scowling Donna usually meant worried Donna. He looked to the floor. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

He felt the seat near him dip as she sat beside him, and looked to her. Her scowl was gone, and now her worry was showing. "Just don't do it again, alright?"

He nodded. "Yeah. No swan diving to the carpet. Got it. I'll try not to."

"Doctor?"

The Doctor turned towards where Jeremy was still sitting. "Sorry. I didn't mean that. I got dizzy when I got to my feet. Moved too fast."

"So it had nothing to do with the question?"

Shifting slightly, he shrugged. "I should have expected it, really. But it took me by surprise anyway. But no, I don't think it was the question."

"Do you think you can elaborate more on your nod?"

He looked to Donna, before turning back to Jeremy. In the end he ended up looking at his shoes. "Would a simple yes do?" he asked, in a small voice that did not sound like him at all. There was something about that question that he really hadn't liked, and it wasn't that he was admitting that on occasion he had wanted to kill himself. Donna was probably aware of that already.

So far since Midnight he hadn't tried to kill himself, though everyone may have thought he was. He had been thinking of death though. He just really didn't want to try and explain to someone that the bath incident hadn't been attempted suicide.

Donna's hand found his again, and he held it lightly in his own, afraid to squeeze in case he really hurt her. She squeezed his hand gently instead.

A tight band seemed wrapped around his chest at her touch, and he didn't know if he was about to go into a panic attack, cry, or faint again. Whatever way he was going, he bent his head forwards and he began taking deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

The tightness in his chest moved lower, and he made a sudden lunge towards the bin. He had managed to eat a bit of breakfast that morning after he had calmed down a bit, and he was thankful for having something in his stomach to bring up.

Donna's hand rubbed at his back while he was on the ground, and he was glad of it, because it kept him as calm as he was going to get. After he had finished, he leaned on the side of the couch and grinned in a sheepish way at Jeremy for his reaction. "Okay, I take it back, I think it was the question. I didn't take that one well, did I?"

"You took it fine, Doctor. You don't like talking about yourself, and talking about deep feelings like that can hurt much more than others. To admit it out loud is a good start."

He nodded and closed his eyes. First thing he was going to do after getting the TARDIS in the vortex was have a rest to try and get rid of the headache that was starting to build without the use of medication.

He still had 15 minutes left though.

Time had never gone by so slowly. Or so it felt.

"Just one more question, and then you can go. You said last week your anger, instead of just anger in general. What did you mean by that?"

After such a hard question on him, he wasn't expecting one that seemed so simple, but he grabbed onto it like a lifeline. It had nothing to do with death or dying or anything like that. "I've got a lot of anger inside me. Sometimes I get a bit carried away with it and do some stupid things. But most of the time, I'm fine and I can control it."

"And that changed after what happened on Midnight?"

He stopped for a bit to think about that. He'd been much more easily provoked into losing control of his emotions since... "No. A bit before that. Midnight just made it so nearly anything could trigger it off."

"When was the first time since after Midnight?"

He frowned. "I thought you said one more question?"

"I thought it would take a while to get an answer."

"Oh." Blinking, the Doctor shook his head and thought of the first time. "Well, I pretty much had a temper tantrum when I got back into the TARDIS the night it happened. But if you mean taking it out on someone else and not my bedding, it would probably be the time at Donna's house. Who was there...Sylvia, Donna, Jack and me. Wilf was out somewhere. We were playing cards. I hadn't won a hand, but I was having fun anyway. I was happy playing cards. Then I lost another game and I snapped. I can't remember what I said, but I know it wasn't nice. It was that which made me get your number."

Jeremy looked to Donna, and Donna shifted in her seat, looking to him, before answering the unsaid question. "He said that we were all cheating, that he hated us, and the human race as a whole should burn. Then he said that he thought we were his friends and stormed outside and started punching the bricks instead."

Hearing what he had said shocked him. He had actually said he'd rather see the entire human race burn? He had said he _hated_ them... "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't hate you."

She smiled at him. "I know that dumbo. Do you honestly think I would have let you get anywhere near me again if I thought you had meant it?"

He shook his head. Donna wouldn't have and if she had it definitely wouldn't have been to share a bed with her that night. He remembered that part of the evening just fine. "I was afraid none of you would even look at me again... I couldn't remember what I had said."

Donna reached over to him and gave him a hug. Sighing, he closed his eyes and hugged back. "I'm sorry I'm putting you through all this."

He heard her laugh near his ear and it seemed to vibrate through him. "If you can put up with me getting bitchy I can put up with you getting angry."

He chuckled back. "Deal."

They sat like that for the rest of the time. When he let her go, he got up and grinned. "So! Still looking forward to tonight?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I am. How about you?"

"Wouldn't miss it."

Jeremy watched from his seat, getting up with them. The Doctor was in a good enough mood right that second to set another appointment for the following week for the same time.

Back in the TARDIS a few minutes later, and they were in the vortex in no time at all. The beginnings of a headache had seemed to have disappeared for the time being. It was then he had another idea.

Turning around to face Donna, he grinned at her and told her what he thought. "How about we go get your grandfather. I'm sure he'd love this too, and I owe him a trip I think, after being so mean to him."

Donna seemed thrilled by the idea. Instead of getting the hug he was expecting, Donna ran off to her own room, to go get her things ready. When she came back into the console room with her sleeping bag and a thermos of tea, he laughed. Oh, yes, this was going to be brilliant.

Caught up in her excitement, he bounced around the console, putting in the coordinates for Donna's place, and pulled the lever to get the TARDIS to move there. He grinned widely at his companion and laughed. "You're both going to love this!"

CXG 54 was especially beautiful during the spring.

He called the planet Serene.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

By the time the TARDIS landed, with more of a thump than normal, the Doctor had calmed down a bit. That was good for everyone involved, especially if her mother was home for lunch. That was, if it was still lunchtime anyway.

"Hungry? I'm hungry!" the Doctor stated out of nowhere, making her sigh and nod.

"Yeah, is it still 12?"

"12pm, Friday. I moved us through space, not time. It's still the exact same date and time it was since when we left Jeremy. And it feels like the old girl is being a bit playful today too, hey?" he replied, patting the console lovingly.

She rolled her eyes but nodded. For someone who travels through time and claims to know it more than anyone else in the universe, he had the lousiest timing of any man alive.

"Can we stay for lunch before heading off then? Just in case my mum's home."

He grimaced but nodded. "Yeah. Not too happy about meeting your mother again though. Or rather, I'm not too happy with her meeting me again. She doesn't like me too much, and last time I was here probably cemented that into a cold hard fact."

Laughing, Donna shook her head. "Nah, don't worry about her. She's like that with everyone."

"Yeah, and somehow that doesn't make it better."

She would have continued on with the short and rather pointless argument, but the Doctor left the room in a hurry, and she frowned, going after him to see where he had gone. She found him in his bathroom, brushing his teeth.

"That's going to make lunch taste real nice, you know?"

"Whatever it tastes like, Donna, I'm sure it tastes better than vomit."

She blinked at him. It had only happened a few minutes ago, but she had forgotten he had been sick. "Sorry. I forgot."

He grinned at her, and she couldn't help but laugh. It looked like he was foaming at the mouth. "So, lunch then. Want me to go out and make sure everyone knows you'll be out soon? I'll leave the door open."

He nodded and spit into the sink. "Yeah, thanks. I'll be out in a sec."

As it was, he needn't have worried about her mother. She wasn't home, nor was going to be for the rest of the day. Cynthia, one of her mum's friends, had gone for a day out shopping. Her grandfather was busy cutting a pie he'd brought for his own lunch.

"Ooh, pie! Can we join in, or are you going to make mum go nuts and eat it all yourself?"

He spun around fast, a grin on his face and a ready hug for her and laughed. "Donna, there's my girl! Where's this Doctor of yours got to then? He joining us?"

"Yeah, he'll be out in a minute."

She sat down and cut what was left of the pie into half. She was about to start eating, when the Doctor rushed in, grinning insanely at the food set out for him.

"Pie! Been ages since I've had pie. Last one I had was in 1969 when me and Martha were stuck there without the TARDIS. That was home baked too."

Donna glared at him. "Just eat it, Doctor. Home baked or not, it's still good. Meaty. Must taste lovely with the spearmint."

He picked up his piece and took a big bite out of it, chewed for quite a while, before swallowing. "Hmm, interesting but not disgusting. Nice, thanks for the lunch, Wilf!"

Her granddad lit up like a compliment on the taste of store bought pie was the best thing that could possibly happen to him, especially coming from the Doctor. Silence filled the room for a few minutes as they finished eating, before the discussion really started.

"So! We were about to set off to a mystery destination I have planned out, and I thought that you might like it too, if you're interested. Care for a small trip to another world, Wilf? Feel that alien soil, smell the smells, see the sights, look at the stars. What do you say?"

There was silence for about two seconds, before Wilf got up laughing his heart out and hugged the Doctor. "Oh, yes! There's nothing I'd like more. Thank you!"

Before either of them could stop him, Wilf was up and off getting his telescope and a blanket, putting on the jug so he could make a thermos of tea and smiling all the while. Donna worried for a few moments that he'd either trip and fall, or keel over from the excitement. Thankfully that didn't happen, and in just a few more minutes, they were standing in front of the TARDIS.

"Ok! She's bigger on the inside. I have told you that already, I know, but I thought it may need saying again. The dimensions are different. Also, she's a living being. Don't bang on her walls or anything, she won't like you very much for that. I am not going to even bother with why she looks like a blue box on the outside. Just know that she looks like this, and that isn't changing."

Nodding, Donna watched as her granddad took his first step inside, and grinned widely at what he saw. "Oh, blimey."

The Doctor was grinning just as widely. "Hah! See, told you."

"How does that work then?"

"It's a bit...hard to understand for people who didn't grow up learning about it. I just usually call it Time Lord Technology and leave it at that. Bigger on the inside, that's the TARDIS."

Donna smiled at her granddad as he quickly went around the console, touching as much as he could as he did so, gently she noticed.

"Like it?" the Doctor asked.

"It's marvellous! Doctor, thank you!"

Donna laughed at that. "In other words, he loves it. Come on gramps, let's get you a room. You can put your stuff in there until we land wherever it is the Doctor's got planned."

Nodding, Wilf walked over to her, grinning all the while. "It's bigger than this?" he asked, motioning to the console room around them.

Donna laughed even louder at that, and it felt good to have something to truly laugh about. "Yeah, lots. I can show you my room too, so you know where I am. Doctor! Think it's possible for the TARDIS to move a room next to mine?"

"Yep, just wait a sec. I'll get us up in the vortex first. Easier to settle in then. All the time in the universe." He grinned at the both of them, did his crazy run around the console and the familiar sound of the engines starting swept through the room. He stopped, did a huge sweep of his arms towards the door that led to the rest of the TARDIS and grinned. "Onwards and upwards!"

With a wide grin on her face, Donna grabbed her granddad's arm and ushered him into the corridors of the TARDIS, and was glad to see that the first two rooms on the left were hers and an unused one. On the other side of the corridor was the Doctor's room.

The last made her frown. She turned to him and pointed. "You planning to go to bed or something?" she asked, and the Doctor shook his head.

"Nope. Planning on having a shower. I feel a bit grimy. Plus the hot water might help ease my muscles, since they're still a bit sore. I'd have a bath, but I probably would fall asleep then. I'll be fine by tomorrow. Almost completely better now."

The Doctor opened his bedroom door and disappeared behind it with a rather final click as the door closed behind him. She turned back to her grandad and smiled. "He's been sick with the flu. He's better now. So! This room for the time being will be yours," Donna stated, opening the door to the unused room, and was happy to see that already there was a bed waiting for him, and a bedside table.

"Want to change things, ask the TARDIS. She can change anything inside herself, as long as it isn't food or drink. Not a good idea to eat anything she makes out of thin air. Doesn't taste too good. So, we shop quite often. Any clothes you might need you can find in the wardrobe. I'll show you that later though. Or the Doctor will when he gets out of the shower." She pointed to a door over on one side of the room they were in. "Speaking of, all rooms have a bath, toilet and sink too. Good isn't it? It's like a hotel outside of time."

Laughing, Wilf danced his way to the bed and flopped down in it. "It's fine the way it is Donna. Comfortable too. I could get used to this. Too bad your mum's not here. She'd love this."

Donna grimaced. "God no, she'd drive me nuts. I'm here to enjoy myself for the most part. Not all of it is fun. The Doctor does have a job of sorts to do, and sometimes we have no choice of where we end up, 'cause the TARDIS takes us where we are needed instead. That doesn't always happen though, and I'm sure today she'll go where the Doctor wants. He needs a bit of a break."

She patted the wall nearest to her, and listened to the sound of her hum. She hoped that was in agreement with her.

"I'm the one that needs the break? I think we both do!" the Doctor said from behind her. She jumped half a mile, not having realised he had walked in. His hair was wet and plastered to his head instead of sticking up wildly all over the place and he at least looked a bit more comfortable in his own skin now.

"Do you have to do that?!" she shouted, angry at him for the moment for nearly scaring her to death. "You need one of those bells around your neck sometimes. Always keep track of where you are then, and you can't sneak up behind me."

"Well, that'd be no good, especially if hiding saves the life of those doing the...hiding. And I wasn't sneaking around. You just didn't hear me."

He leaned against the wall and grinned. Smug bastard.

"Still doesn't mean you have to scare me half to death."

He shrugged, walked into the room and looked around. "Well, this is your room then, Wilf. Donna's is next door, kitchens down the corridor, mine's across from this one if you need anything, and the console room is at the end. Well, the short end, pay no attention to most of the rest of the TARDIS unless you want to get lost."

"Just how big is the inside?"

The Doctor shrugged and grinned. "Dunno. Lived in her most of my life, and I still haven't seen all of it. Rooms go missing, rooms appear from nowhere, and rooms get shifted around, and so on. All I have to remember is to park somewhere sometimes to put out the bins. Or else things might start becoming unpleasant in here!"

Donna laughed and punched his shoulder. "If they're empty there's no point in doing so, but you do anyway. I'm amazed the government hasn't gotten on your back for it sometimes."

He smirked. "Well, when you're as hard to track as I am, I'm not surprised they don't bother."

Rolling her eyes, she let that one go. "So, gramps, want to see my room? Or more of the TARDIS? Or want to go somewhere now?"

Laughing slightly, Wilf hopped off the bed and looked to the Doctor. "Can we go now?"

With a huge grin on his face, the Doctor nodded. "Sure we can! I'll meet you in the console room in a few minutes. Whatever you think you might need, including sleeping bags and a blanket if it gets cold, which it shouldn't by the way. Oh! And definitely bring the telescope. A whole new sky for you to look at, Wilf."

Wilf saluted the Doctor, and even though she knew that the Doctor hated being saluted, he seemed to accept it without saying anything and marched off towards the console room.

Donna went to her room, picked up her sleeping bag and blanket, a book and book light too, so she could read if she got bored of staring at the stars. She was out before her gramps was, and left her things by the door of the TARDIS, eagerly awaiting landing and seeing what planetary surprise the Doctor had in store for her.

With a huge grin on his face, the Doctor pulled the lever to get the TARDIS to go to his destination, and the TARDIS shuddered and landed with a thump. Laughing, the Doctor patted the console and moved towards the door, bouncing on the spot as he waited impatiently for Wilf.

Her grandfather made it out a few seconds later, blanket, thermos and telescope under his arms. A grin to rival that of the Doctor's was on his face.

"Alright, now we're all here, welcome to a nice little planet I like to call Serene!" With a flourish, the Doctor flung the doors of the TARDIS opened and ushered them outside.

The sky was a deep blue, even though the sun was up and shining brightly. The weather was warm and lovely, making her feel peaceful and calm. They were in a small clearing, which led onto a lake on one side, and a forest of huge trees surrounding them on the three other sides. There was a meadow with a few scattered trees on the opposite side of the river. Birdsong and the movement of the water were the only sounds, other than what they were making, and she felt an odd sense that they were intruding here.

"Are we going to get into trouble for being here?" she whispered to the Doctor, who turned to look at her with a curious frown on his face.

"No. What makes you think that? And you don't need to whisper. We are not only the biggest things on this planet right now, but the only ones that are not a bird, small reptile, or small little mammalian creature. Like I said, we won't get into any kind of situation that means having to run for our lives."

She smiled at him, and nodded. "This time you really meant it too, huh? Nice. I really like it. It's beautiful."

Wilf sat his telescope down facing away from the trees, and looked about himself. Donna watched him as he lay down on the ground, feeling the grass, picking at the green blades and sniffing them. "Hah! The grass looks and smells the same. But it's a different sky, no sky on Earth has ever been this clear since I've been looking at it. This is marvellous. Thank you, Doctor. Really, thank you!"

The Doctor started shuffling his feet and looked elsewhere. Donna knew that why he was used to getting praise, he wasn't too comfortable with it. He nodded and shrugged. "Well, I do owe you one for saying that your life and losses meant nothing. That was incredibly foolish and mean of me to say. I was extremely emotional that day."

"Eh, I forgive you Doctor. As long as you keep looking after my Donna."

The Doctor grinned and nodded at that. "You can know that I will do that, though right now it is more the other way around."

They drifted off into silence for a while, Donna laying the blanket down on the grass in the spot she liked best, and putting her sleeping bag over the top of it. She made a quick dash inside the TARDIS to grab a pillow, but closed the doors behind her. This was a day to just muck about and enjoy themselves, on a different planet, not a day to spend lounging around inside the TARDIS.

It was then she remembered something, ran over to where the Doctor was putting his sleeping things for the night and grabbed him into a hug, which had him squirm about a bit in the suddenness of it.

"Donna? What's this for then?" he asked, as he got comfortable in her arms and returned the hug.

She laughed quite near to his ear and squeezed him before letting go and gripping his arms instead. "You opened the door. And nothing bad happened."

He blinked at her for a few seconds, let his gaze drift over to where the TARDIS stood, before a wide grin passed over his lips. A loud giggle escaped him, and he grabbed her into a hug which was just as crushing as the one she had just given him. She only ever heard him giggle like that when he was either extremely nervous or extremely relieved over something.

There was no need to guess which time this event was.

* * * * * * * * * *

As the sun set and the stars started to pop up in the sky, the Doctor got everyone to lie down on their sleeping bags to watch. The sunset itself wasn't much to look at, but the night sky on this planet was spectacular once night had completely taken over. Stars were clearer here than on Earth, since there was both no other light and no pollution to lower their shine. The swirl of the galaxy next to this could be seen.

Off in what looked to him like the middle of the universe, the middle of the night sky, and definitely what had his attention, was blackness where there shouldn't be. After the Time War some places had been destroyed, and would never be brought back. To him, the absence of a constellation stood out more than if the constellation still existed.

This constellation was only half gone. Well, at least some was still left.

Wilf was at his telescope having the time of his life, looking up at the stars and grinning widely at them. Donna was with him, and the two were close to each other, and occasionally talking to each other, and laughing.

He was happy that Donna was at least relaxed and having a good time.

His mind was otherwise preoccupied with half a constellation. He couldn't stop staring at it. He wondered if that had been caused because of him, or he had saved the rest from being destroyed with it.

He was so lost in thoughts as to what might have happened that his right heart almost stopped from the shock of Donna touching him on the shoulder.

"God! Donna, give me a heart attack, won't you...what?"

Donna laughed and thumped him on the back. "You were a mile away. Didn't mean to scare you though." She flopped herself down on to the blanket next to him and smiled. "What's got you so out of it then?"

He shrugged. "The stars. What's missing because of the War, mainly. I feel responsible."

"For what? Destroying them?"

"I destroyed my own planet. I could have destroyed more than that in the...blast so to speak. There's half a constellation missing. I can't tell anymore from half if it is mine, or another. I'm so used to just...seeing stars, that the constellations don't even matter anymore. I know them, I just can't get the order right. They're just...there now. Or not. A few were completely wiped out during the War. If I had finished it earlier, more would still be there."

Donna frowned at him. "But that's not your fault. You didn't kill any of the other things out there. I mean, you weren't the one that went around and blew everything up. You ended it. You might have done a bad thing to do it, but you did it for the right reason."

He turned to her, anger thrumming through him so fast, he thought he could have just killed her on the spot for looking at him. "Do you think that means anything? I destroyed entire planets, I destroyed more than one entire species, and I knowingly did it! That is my fault! That was my responsibility. And I'd do it again too! Now shut the hell up and go away!"

She looked at him hard for a few seconds, before shaking her head and sighing. "Fine. I'll be over with my grandad."

"FINE! SOME FUCKING FRIEND YOU ARE!"

Donna stared at him for a bit, before shrugging. "Fine, I'll stay here then."

"Do whatever the hell you want," he stated, quiet this time, since his throat was hurting from the last thing he had said, and stormed his way to the TARDIS. He was more than angry. He was absolutely furious. It was his fault. He shouldn't have decided to come here. He should have dropped Donna off at home and gone off on his own.

He was hurting. And for once it had nothing to do with what happened to him on Midnight. Well, not since recently anyway. He went to his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to do anything. He'd been having a good day too.

It took a half hour before the knock at his door came, and the entire time had been spent fuming over his own stupidity.

Donna poked her head in, and looked over to where he was. "Can I come in?"

He didn't answer. He didn't feel like speaking right then. She came in anyway, walking slowly over to him. "You feeling any better?"

He let out his breath, in a long drawn out sigh. "I'm sorry. I haven't been very good company lately. Maybe I should just drop you off with your grandfather when I take him home..."

She hit his shoulder and glared. "Don't you dare! I'm not leaving you. I don't care what you say or do to me in a fit of bloody rage, I'm not leaving."

He looked at her then, and shook his head. "But I _do_. I care. I can't keep on doing this. I'm ruining everything. I always ruin everything. I can't do anything right." Yep, to top it all off, he could feel his eyes filling with tears. "Donna, I don't want to hurt you. And all I do is hurt you. You don't deserve it."

She sat herself down on his bed and he turned around, wishing for her to leave him be for a half hour at the least. Her hand went to his back and begun rubbing in a reaction that seemed almost normal and comforting.

Shaking his head, he sniffed slightly and coughed. "Donna, I'd like to be alone right now for a bit."

Her hand left his back and she got up, which kind of surprised him. "Okay. I'll go back out with Grandad and the telescope. You'll join us soon?"

Thinking on that one, he nodded after a bit. "Yeah. I just...I want to be alone for a while. Calm down a bit more. I'm a bit over the place at the moment."

"Alright. Oh! Mind if I go stop off and get some nibbles from the kitchen?"

He huffed in the beginnings of laughter and sat up. "Yeah, that's alright. Grab some for me. I'll be out later."

"Will do."

She walked out the door after that, leaving him. Lying back down, he stared at the ceiling and sighed loudly. "Come on old girl, care to cheer me up a bit? Want to sing for me? Please?"

The TARDIS was quiet for a moment, before she started to hum in his head, not singing, but a gentle calming feeling washed through him, and he let himself relax. "Hmm, that'll do. Thanks." He patted the walls and let the TARDIS do her thing.

After half an hour, he felt good again, got up and made his way outside. He'd be fine if he didn't get fixated with that constellation again.

He was determined to enjoy the rest of the night.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

Donna and Wilf were at the telescope, eating bite sized chunks of cheese on biscuits. Going over to them, the Doctor let himself drop down on the blanket Wilf had brought along with him, and reached out to take a biscuit.

"Doctor! There you are. Have some cheese too."

He shook his head, ate the biscuit and grabbed for another one. "Not in a cheese kind of mood. Is there even a mood to go with eating cheese anyway. I'm not that hungry right now."

Donna frowned but nodded. To his surprise, she let it go. He had no idea how to act right now around her. She was in a lenient mood, probably ready to put up with anything. But he didn't want her to have to put up with anything other than how he normally was. Yet he hadn't been acting very normal of late. More like a child.

He stuffed another biscuit in his mouth and went over to where his sleeping gear was, and lay down on top of his blanket. He should have stayed inside perhaps, but he had promised Donna that he'd come back out.

Well, he hadn't said that he'd be social when he did make it back out.

He felt more than saw Donna sit down next to him. Her hand went to his back again and he smiled. "You like doing that don't you?"

"It's alright, and it never hurts to have a bit of a rub on the back when trying to relax and have a good time. I used to do this on sleepovers. We took turns. Not that I'm expecting you to do this to me. I won't allow it right now, just so you know. Just enjoy it."

"Yeah. I am. It makes me sleepy though."

He heard her laugh at that, but the hand didn't stop its rubbing and his eyes began to droop with the want of sleep. "Stop it. Too early for bed." He blinked and let out a yawn. "Could do with some chips though. Are there any chips in the TARDIS?"

"Ah, comfort food. Thought you weren't hungry. And no, no chips. Crisps are in there, if you want those? Still potato."

He shook his head. "Nah." He sat up, because lying down was making him want to close his eyes. "Is there any chocolate?"

Donna shrugged. "Yeah. Chocolate there is. I could go get you some. Drink or bar?"

He frowned as he thought of that one, before smiling at her. "Drink I think."

Donna smiled back, patted him on the shoulder and went off into the TARDIS. He waited for a good five minutes before she came back, a tray with some soup cups sitting on it. "Well! I found these things and decided to put them to good use. Gramps, extra large hot chocolate coming your way!"

Everything stopped for a few seconds, as Wilf came over to where he was, sat on the blanket and they both waited for Donna to reach them. Her slow walk meant more than anything right then, as it meant said soup cups were rather full.

Wilf grabbed a cup first, before he reached for another, freeing Donna's hands enough for her to sit down with her own. Chocolate still sloshed a bit over the side and onto the tray.

He found it oddly funny, and began to chuckle. Before too long, he was laughing too hard not to spill his own. It was pulled out of his hands, so he didn't end up wearing it on either his clothes or his bedding for the night.

He was left alone then, and he couldn't stop laughing. Over chocolate.

Something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

He was gasping for breath and still wasn't able to stop. He wasn't in the mood to laugh anymore, either.

Donna came over to him again, and gave him a few thumps on the back. He began to cough. The coughing took over the laughing, and to his embarrassment, he could feel bile rise in his throat.

He let out a choked groan, managed a quick "sick..." before Donna helped him off his blanket. He gasped for a bit, but managed to keep the little he had eaten down. After a while he managed to calm down.

"Care to tell us what was so funny now?"

He shook his head. "Honestly? I have no idea. I just saw the spilt chocolate and couldn't stop..."

"You okay?"

He looked at her and shrugged. "I don't know... I've stopped now thankfully. That actually hurt. And I thought I was going to be sick."

His chest felt all tight and was aching. If anything, it felt closer to when he had a panic attack rather than when he was genuinely amused at something. He tried to remember what caused hysterics and fell short. It wasn't as if he had any real need of that information. He hadn't been too interested in psychology when he was studying.

"Want me to get you your chocolate now?" Donna asked, looking as if she was ready to jump right out of her skin to get it for him.

He nodded and grimaced. "Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to go completely nuts on you."

She smiled and gave his back a few more playful thumps to make sure he was calm enough to drink, and went to get the beverage for him. She was back in seconds, holding it out to him. Grabbing it, he was kind of surprised to find that it was still hot. Well, warm enough to not be the half-warm disgusting flavour hot chocolate tended to go when cooling.

He drank the whole soup cup in less than a minute, and spent a few seconds trying to catch his breath afterwards. "Wow, that was...extra chocolately. Thanks Donna. You make me feel better."

"Yeah, well, you're a good guy. And don't let anyone tell _you_ otherwise. Goes both ways, you know?"

He grinned and chuckled, thankfully stopping soon after starting. "Yeah. Sorry. I get kind of depressed every now and then. Can't shake it off either. It's annoying. I haven't been feeling too good lately. Mood wise as well as health wise. I'm putting you through so much crap lately, and I don't think there's enough apologising that can make up for it."

Donna snorted at him, in humour of all things and his mood dipped low again, and he frowned.

She stopped when she noticed her look and she shook her head. "Oh! No! It's just the whole apologising thing. Sometimes I just wish you'd stop doing that over every little tiny thing. You don't have to you know. It's not necessary. I know you don't mean it. And if I want an apology, believe me, you'd know it, 'cause I wouldn't leave you alone until I got one. Got it?"

He nodded, relieved that she hadn't been making fun of him. What she said also made a lot of sense. He did apologise an awful lot in this incarnation. "I know I apologise a lot. I can't help it. It's a part of who I am."

She reached out and squeezed his arm gently. "Yeah, I know. Seeing your life like I have by travelling with you, I can't really blame you for it either. I'd be saying sorry a lot if half the stuff that happened to you happened to me. And I'm kind of relieved to hear you say that you get depressed. Makes you the same level with the rest of us mere mortals."

He grimaced at that. "Oh god, what the heck do people think of me? That I'm all high and mighty? Well, I can see how some people might think that, given my attitude when I'm in a mood for it, but I don't think I'm like a god or anything. I'm mortal, I'm going to die. I don't carry a weapon on me, so I'm a lot more vulnerable than a lot of people. The only real thing I've got to defend myself with is my words, my voice. And now I don't even feel I have that anymore."

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him to Donna's side. "Yeah, your voice was stolen you said. Must have been terrifying."

He laughed high and shrill, and thankfully, again, shortly and shook his head. "Honestly, I don't know what hurt more. The loss of my voice and the violation that creature put me through, or the way people who had been friendly and good a few minutes earlier were plotting to kill because they didn't understand. I didn't understand, but I wouldn't have killed it. If you were there you could have stopped them from trying to kill me. You're good like that. You could have stopped it by being you. If I had shown up with a human, they would have known I wasn't with her, that I was friends with humans. I was laughing with them one minute and they were trying to kill me the next, just because I wasn't human! And either was that thing inside Sky! Why? Why do humans act like that? I know it happens, I've been in other situations before, but it usually always showed the good side of people, and not the bad. What made this time so different?"

Donna shook her head, and laid her head on top of his. "I don't know. I wasn't there. And I don't think it would have made much of a difference if I was anyway. You're still not going to be seen as human once they found out you weren't, and you would have tried to save Sky anyway. If anything, they probably would have tried to throw me out too for being with you."

The Doctor shook his head vigorously. "No! That wouldn't have happened. It was because I was alone and without human company that they thought I was plotting things with Sky. If you had been there with me..."

"Doctor, if I had been there, what makes you think they'd believe _I_ was human? Your word? My word? What, they were going to examine me just to make sure?"

He shrugged out of her grasp and jumped to his feet. "Stop complicating things! I'm trying to figure this out, and I can't when you keep throwing things at me like that. They would have seen you as human because you think like them, you are like them, and I wasn't. I was too _different_."

Donna raised an eyebrow at him, still sitting on his blanket, not even trying to get up. She folded her arms under her breasts though and he gulped loudly. "I just...it was me, alright? It didn't happen to you, you weren't there. You can't know what happened because you weren't there."

"Doctor, if you went and asked each of the people on that truck what they saw or heard or did, you'd get a different version from each of them."

He shook his head, knowing that what Donna was saying made sense, but in that moment too worked up to see it properly, to see she was telling the truth. "No. It would have ended up with you stopping it. I know it. You would have made it better!"

She stared at him for a while, before she nodded and got to her own feet. "You blame me for it," she said in a small voice, before taking herself to her own sleeping bag, before she crawled inside it, as if ready to go to bed.

He was left blinking, standing up and watching her as she pretended to sleep. The entire conversation seemed to have swept out of his head except for those last lines she had spoken. What had made her say that? What had he said? Why couldn't he remember a conversation he'd just _had_?!

He was back inside the TARDIS and had the phone in his hand before he could stop himself. Before he even knew what he was doing. The most logical person he could have called in that moment to try and figure out his own thoughts would probably have been Jeremy, he was after all a therapist. Instead he dialled a much more familiar number.

It wasn't Martha he called, or her husband, it was Francine. Right then he needed a woman's voice, a woman's answer to his problem, and he knew no other women other than Francine. Well, except perhaps for Sarah Jane, but he didn't know her phone number by rote, and Francine's was automatically in the phone that Martha had given him.

"'lo? D'you have any idea what time it is here?" a male voice answered the phone and he sighed in relief that the phone was answered at all.

"Clive! I'm sorry if I woke you. Do you mind if I talk to Francine for a moment? It's important."

There was silence for a few seconds. "Doctor? That you? It's 3 in the morning here, just so you know."

"Oh. Oops, I'm sorry. I kind of forgot to check the time there. Sorry. My fault, sorry. Everything's my fault nowadays. Sorry I woke you, sorry that I called anyway. Just...damn it! I'm sorry alright?! Does anyone care that I actually _mean_ that when I say it? Has it lost all meaning, when it comes out of my mouth? First Donna and now you. Clive just...put Francine on alright?"

"You alright?"

He almost growled at that. Why was everyone asking him that lately? "What does it sound like to you?"

"Sounds like I'm going to go get Francine. She just disappeared into the bathroom if you can wait a moment. Is it about Martha? Thought she was back home now."

"She's home. Safe as far as I know."

"Good. Here she is. I think I'll conveniently disappear for this conversation."

"Good."

There was a mumble of voices away from the receiver, before Francine's voice was heard. "Doctor? Everything alright?"

"I said something stupid, can't remember what it was and now Donna thinks I blame her for everything. What do I do?"

There was silence for a few seconds, before Francine sighed into the receiver. "You called to ask that? Doctor...can't you call at a more reasonable time?"

He glared at the wall of the TARDIS and kicked the underside of the console. She hummed in his head in a sharp way, not too happy with that. "I can't remember what I said. She won't talk to me right now. I want her to be talking to me. I want things to be good like they were earlier today. I thought you would understand!"

"You got angry at her?"

"No! We weren't fighting, just talking about things."

Francine sighed again. "I can't help you. It's alright to call Jeremy for things like this you know? That's what he's there for."

"I wanted advice, not a session! I've already had one of those today. And I don't have his number, only that of his office and I can't stand talking to that bloody secretary of his. And I just wanted someone I know to have an answer. I'm sorry for calling, and for waking you and Clive up. I'll just go now, since you don't want to talk to me."

He hung up before Francine got out an answer to that put the phone back in its cubby and buried his face in his hands. Was he purposefully driving everyone away today? He had just wanted a simple answer, not a scalding on time. "Damn it, I can't do anything right tonight."

He was indecisive about as to go outside again or not and was feeling the urge to just go to bed and sleep, but the phone rang and he frowned at it, before picking it back out and answering. "Yeah?"

He was surprised to hear Francine on the other end, especially after he had hung up on her like he did. "Doctor? I wasn't sure you'd answer the phone."

Sighing loudly he rubbed at his head. He was getting a headache. "I didn't think you wanted to talk to me. Why call back?"

"You got a bit upset there. I was worried."

He snorted into the phone. "Yeah, join the club. So is everyone else apparently. I also apologise way too much and should stop doing so. Oh, and everything bad that happens to me is everyone else's fault."

"I don't think she meant what she said to upset you."

"Upset me?! What else am I supposed to feel? She just told me to my face that I blame her for what happened to me! Why the hell would she say that? I didn't say that."

"Maybe she heard that in what you said."

"I can't remember what I said! All I can remember are her words. To directly quote her, her words were 'You blame me for it.'"

"You should talk to Jeremy about this. I'm tired Doctor, I haven't been sleeping well myself you know."

"Great! Fine! I'll do that. Since all my friends seem to rather not talk to me at all, I might as well talk to him about it, since he's all I seem to have right now anyway! I'd try Martha, but given that she's your daughter she'd probably tell me the same thing, right? I thought you'd be helpful. I was obviously wrong. Well, fine! See if I care. Stupid bitch!"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew they were wrong and he wanted to take them back. He felt like his small group of friends had all just been taken away from him. He felt like a complete idiot when the next thing he did was burst into uncontrollable tears. Because it showed that he did care, that he wanted friends, that he wanted people to talk to him, to want to be cared for and cared about without caring what time it was.

He hadn't noticed he had kept the phone to his ear and hadn't hung up. It didn't surprise him as much as finding out that Francine hadn't hung up on him. Thankfully his little outburst hadn't lasted for very long. Now he had no idea what to say...

"Doctor? Are you still there?"

He coughed slightly, trying to clear his throat a bit. "Yeah. I didn't mean to call you a bitch. I guess I was a little bit more upset than I thought I was..."

"You know I can't help you with this, right? I don't know what happened, and I'd really rather not get involved in it. Ask Donna why she feels that way tomorrow. Sleep on it, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks. You can go to bed now too then. Sorry for waking you up, and for yelling at you, and for crying in your ear. I do feel better though, so I guess I needed that."

"Night, Doctor."

"Night, Francine."

He waited on the line until he heard the click of disconnection from the other end, before he put the phone away. He stayed in the TARDIS console room for a bit, sitting on the seat there, though not knowing exactly what he was waiting for.

Sighing, he got up and walked towards the door leading to the outside world. While the high anxiety that he had been feeling since Midnight when it came to opening the door was fading, he couldn't get himself to open it. He hit it as hard as he could, and turned around.

"Guess I'll stay in here tonight. Hope you don't mind, old girl. Sorry for hitting you earlier." He gave the controls on the console a gentle pat, before making his way to his bedroom.

While he wasn't in the best mood, he wasn't as bad off as he had been earlier, and he was looking forward to the next day. He had quite a few things planned out that he could do with Donna and Wilf, and he hoped that they enjoyed the day too.

He needed a break from the running for a while. He needed a break from stress. His life was nothing but stressful though, so that was rather hard to accomplish. Well, as long as this little break turned out to be the holiday that Midnight was supposed to be, he'd be fine. If this place turned out just like Midnight, he'd die.

Right now, he really couldn't deal with something like that happening to him again.

He dressed himself in his pyjamas and got into bed. If Donna decided to come in and wake him up in the morning, he'd tell her he had frozen at the door again.

He was asleep within minutes and didn't have nightmares.

By the time he woke up the next morning, he felt more rested than he had since he had gotten sick. He felt physically healthy again and had more energy than he'd felt since after getting off of The Library. Now all he had to be wary of was the disappointment that Donna would still be upset with him for believing he blamed her for what had happened on Midnight.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

"Doctor, you awake? Sun's up, the birds are out, and for some reason you are in the TARDIS. What happened to staying outside to enjoy this place?"

Donna knocked on his door, before opening it up slightly and poked her head in. He wasn't in there, but the sound of the shower gave away where he was. Grinning, she stepped right in, putting the plate of breakfast she had made for him on the bedside table.

He came in, a towel around his waist and nothing else on, rubbing his wet hair so that it didn't dry flat. He stopped when he saw her and grabbed the towel with his free hand. "Donna! What are you doing in here?"

"Getting you breakfast. You better eat it too, before it gets cold."

He grinned, went and grabbed a piece of toast, stuffed an end into his mouth, before getting back up and going over to where his suit was draped over a desk. He put on his trousers before throwing the towel to the floor, and put on a top. Donna felt it odd that right then he left off his shirt and jacket.

He ate the toast fast and she was glad to see that it looked like he had gotten his appetite back.

"So! Better grab your swimwear, Donna. Going to take us to this lovely little spot where we can swim today."

She couldn't help but smile at that one. "Do I finally get my beach then?"

The Doctor shook his head. "Beach, no. This is better than a beach. You'll just have to trust me, won't you?" He winked at her and grinned, and it crinkled up the sides of his eyes in that way which showed that he was truly looking forward to something.

"Well, look at you all bushy eyed and rearing to go. Feel better?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Still, I won't lie that what you said last night hurt. A lot. I don't blame you, Donna. I don't. I just must have been unclear in the way I said what I did. It was miscommunication at its worst."

She felt a knot that had been between her shoulder blades since last night's conversation loosen and disappear at hearing that. "You don't blame me for it, then?"

"No. I just...I meant that I feel safe with you."

And with those words her stomach had dropped. Oh god, no wonder he had crawled in here last night instead of staying out there with her and her grandfather. He must have been more upset than he was willing to let people see. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad or anything. I was upset myself."

He nodded. "Yeah, I got that from the silent treatment. I ended up coming in here to call someone about it. I needed a woman's advice I think. I called Francine of all people. She wasn't too happy that I woke her up at 3 in the morning. Door closed behind me and I couldn't open it again."

Shaking her head and frowning, she said the first thing that came into her head. "Who is Francine?"

The Doctor looked blankly at her for a few seconds, and she could tell the instant he realised that she had never seen nor heard of this Francine. "Oh! Umm, she's Martha's mother. Rather formidable woman when she wants to be, and defends her family with all she has. A good woman though, and I thought she might be able to help."

"But she couldn't?"

"Well, she helped anyway. Guess I just couldn't see it until I had...well, I kind of yelled at her a bit, and then I cried. I thought I had finished with that. Ah well, didn't last long, but I did feel better afterwards. And I slept well too. Four hours of good, solid, proper sleep. Now I feel a _lot_ better than I did."

"Proper sleep as in for Time Lords? Because that would have me dead on my feet."

He grinned at her and she could once again see that it was genuine. "Yeah. I haven't had a proper sleep for a while. Not since Messaline. I have been sleeping, but...not properly."

"Jenny. You were thinking of your children?"

He shrugged. "Not really. Jenny yes, the others...not so much."

Bringing him in close for a hug, she patted his back a few times. "Well, glad to see you feel better and that you got some proper rest then. So! Swimming you said? What else have you got planned?"

He grinned again, the sad look that had come across his face vanishing as he stepped out of the hug. "Well, the spot I have in mind is about a two hour's walk from here, so there's a bit of a bushwalk, maybe a bit of bird watching. I was going to get out some nice food for a picnic lunch. Maybe a bit of lazing about for a few hours. You know, nothing too stressful. Good things. Nice things."

She smiled at him. "Sounds nice. I especially like the swimming and lazing about part. Like a proper holiday this time."

"Yeah. A holiday."

He was trying again. After what had happened on Midnight, which was supposed to be his last holiday plan, he was giving it another shot. She gave him a friendly punch on the arm. "Good for you. Well, this time there are no other people, right?"

"Yep! Just us. Me, you and Wilf!"

He was relieved at that, she could hear it in his voice. Well, he had a right to be. She now understood why he chose this planet to come to first. He was in some major need of a good holiday to relax and have some fun.

A knock was heard at the door, and her grandfather poked his head in, probably trying to see if she was in here after disappearing on him.

"Hey, gramps. Got your running shoes on? Going for a bit of walk, or so says the Doctor."

"Always ready, me!" he replied, grinning widely at her, jogging on the spot for a few seconds to show that he was ready for a day of activity.

Donna smiled warmly at him. "Yeah, you and me both."

"And," replied the Doctor, quickly bouncing over to them, "Don't forget something to go swimming in. Unless we're all going to end up starkers in the water."

"Only you would consider going skinny dipping in what could be the coldest water this side of the universe," she stated, throwing her hands in the air and walking back out of his room, to her own, looking for a one piece she was rather fond of. There was no way she was going anywhere with the Doctor in a two piece swim suit.

She wasn't afraid his feelings for her would change, or that he'd want to have sex with her or anything like that. She honestly didn't think he was someone to go around having sex with random people. The only one she could see him being even particularly intimate with (apart from that small tape of him and Jack) was Rose.

Not that she even knew what Rose looked like. And she didn't think she'd ever know either. Such a shame really, she would have liked to have seen what the woman who had taken the Doctor's hearts looked like. Was she young, old, middle age? What was the colour of her hair? Colour of her skin even. She didn't think things like that mattered much to him. About as much as they mean to her anyway. She had after all fallen hard and fast for Lance, and gotten along well with his family too.

It wasn't as if they were even the same species. Like she said to Jenny that time, that kind of thing was probably frowned upon and illegal. Still, she was going for the least skimpy thing she could find, just in case.

She found it, a modest royal blue number, hidden at the bottom of her wardrobe. She quickly undressed, put it on and dressed again, before heading outside to wait for the guys.

She didn't have to wait very long, the Doctor and her grandfather laughing and joking with each other as they came back out. Just in case, she had left the door leading outside open. She smiled at seeing him genuinely happy and interested.

"Took you two long enough. Funny how it's always the men who complain it's the women who take all the time changing."

"Hey, my girl, I'm old. I need more time." Wilf stated, grinning at her, and she rolled her eyes and hooked her arm around his.

"Yeah. What's your excuse, Doctor?"

"It's been a long time since last I wore any swimwear. Had to find them first. Ended up having to go with a pair of boxers."

The thought of this was extremely funny. She pegged the Doctor as someone who would rather run about free and wild under his trousers. Not that she'd been thinking of him naked. She'd already seen that, and she stood by her original thought. He was way too skinny.

"Well, whatever rocks your boat, Doctor."

"Ooooh, a boat! One of them would be rather good. Wouldn't be much use to us today, but it could be fun if we do end up on a beach at one stage. Or on a river. Not going near one of them for swimming though."

After a bit of a pause, he added on a quick, "And I think you're getting me muddled up with Jack. Now, he would go skinny dipping. I don't really like being too naked around others. Which is why I wear so many layers I suppose. Still, will be good to relax a bit, even if I am almost naked doing it."

Her grandfather laughed and patted the Doctor on the shoulder. "When are we going Doctor, I'd like to see more of this place before going back home."

The Doctor grinned down at Wilf and nodded. "Sure! Umm, forgot towels, but it's warm here, so we can just dry naturally on the walk back. So we can leave now. Allons-y!"

While the Doctor was almost bouncing all over the path he had chosen for them, (it was a track left by some type of ground dwelling bird apparently, and there was a thin line of 'road' which they could walk on,) she and her gramps were taking their time, enjoying the exercise and the togetherness.

She was holding his hand and staring at a rather interesting lizard she had just spotted. "Hah! Even the wildlife here is mad. Look, gramps, it has orange spots," she stated out loud, pointing out the little creature just before it went scampering off into the brush.

Wilf let out a laugh. "Aww, sweetheart, we scared it off. Still, not every day I get to see alien lizards. Is this what it's like all the time?"

Donna shook her head and laughed at that one. "Most of the time we're too busy running to bother looking around much. Still, we get to play tourist a lot too, and sometimes, like here, we can just look around and admire as much as we want. Doesn't happen too much. This is a premade trip with relaxation in mind, which is actually working this time. Last time we tried this, look what happened to the poor Doctor, silly Martian."

Patting her hand, her grandfather looked over to where the Doctor was poking something on the ground with his foot. "He's from Mars then? No one's told me where he comes from."

The grin Donna still had on her face. "Nah, I just call him that for fun. He's good about it though. His planet's gone. Destroyed in a war. He's...not too talkative about it."

This quieted Wilf down, and they spent the rest of the walk in silence, looking around and enjoying themselves still the same, but with that odd feeling that something that shouldn't have been said had been stated out loud for all the world to hear.

The Doctor was waiting impatiently for them when they reached their destination, shuffling from one foot to the other, before grinning widely at them "Hah! There you two are. Thought for a bit that you might have got lost. Well, here we are then. There's a volcano around here somewhere. Don't worry, this one isn't going to go off on us. Heats up the water good and proper."

"Hot spring. You found a hot spring? Oh, Doctor, I could kiss you for this!" She shed her clothes and was in there before the Doctor was down to his boxers. The Doctor wasn't lying when he said she'd enjoy this more than a beach or river to swim in. This was heavenly.

The two men were soon in there too, and she watched the Doctor as he sighed softly with a silly smile on his face and closed his eyes.

This was just the type of thing he really did need right now, something to help ease his body and mind of stress. He honestly couldn't have picked a better spot to try and relax. The heated water was working wonders on her muscles and she wasn't all that much stressed out. Still, she had just been on a three hour walk to here.

Well, the Doctor did say it may take a few hours. Mostly though, she had taken her time to enjoy the walk with her gramps. And he looked like he was enjoying this too. Must be good on old bones.

She closed her eyes soon after and listened to the birds as they sang in unfamiliar ways. She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew, the Doctor was nudging her with his hand and was grinning down at her from out of the water.

"Come on, Donna. Lunch time. You can hop back in afterwards."

She got out as fast as her much more relaxed body would let her and crawled on her hands and knees over to a small clearing not too far away, where the blanket was laid out, with plates waiting for them.

The Doctor had been busy setting this up by the looks of it as she and her grandfather had taken their time walking here. "You really did have this all planned out, didn't you? Sneaky man!"

He laughed at that one and nodded. "Yeah, I needed something to relax and this was the only place I could really think of to do that right away. I come here when I'm feeling a little too stressed. Helps a lot. Hope you like it."

She took one of the plates, smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Love it. Just what you needed."

He nodded, putting a few sandwiches on his plate, and started in on them like he hadn't eaten at all in weeks. She left him to it. If he was eating without being told to, that was a good enough thing for her. She chose out a cheese and tomato sandwich and tucked into it.

A ham sandwich followed the first, and she grabbed another one afterwards and decided to stay out of the water for a bit. Instead, she stretched herself out on a nicely warmed rock, and decided on a bit of a sunbathe instead.

She watched as the two men went back in, and closed her eyes.

By the time she woke up the next time, it was not only sunset, but three torches were out, and the picnic had been packed up. Well, that's what she got for not getting much sleep herself. The best day she'd had in quite a while, and she had slept through most of it.

"Got a bit of a dark walk back. Sorry I didn't wake you up earlier, Donna. I fell asleep myself," the Doctor stated, looking rather sheepish at the admission.

Sighing, she got. "Nah, that's alright. I haven't had much sleep myself. Feel a lot better too. Guess I did need that too, huh? Well, come on then, give me a torch, and we can head back."

The walk back took only two hours, but they were going quite a bit faster. The TARDIS had her light on top flashing so they found her easily enough. It had been a quiet walk, but it had been with good company and she found she was glad that the day hadn't been spoiled with the aimless chatter that the Doctor was so fond of.

Unfortunately, right now she wasn't the least bit sleepy. Her body was a bit tired, but that'd pass fast, she had learnt from experience. Her gramps went right back to his star watching, while the Doctor went inside.

She followed him, hoping that he wasn't heading towards his bed.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Doctor, feeling nice, relaxed and much better off than he had in quite a while, moved through the TARDIS towards one of the rooms that was barely used anymore to put the basket away. He could hear that Donna was following him, and let her. She wasn't being stealthy in the least and he hoped that she wasn't trying to be sneaky with him, because he didn't have the heart today to tell her that she was failing miserably at it.

He smiled at the thought and shook his head. "Where do you think I'm going, Donna?" he asked, and waited until she had caught up.

She looked around them and shrugged. "Dunno, thought you might be headed towards your room. I was going to stop you if you were. You went past your room ages ago though, so I guess somewhere else I haven't been."

"Haven't been is right. Nothing interesting, just a bit of a spare room for the basket. The TARDIS could have been a bit nicer and moved it from where she put it after I got it out in the first place, but I don't mind the walk. I'm actually rather enjoying it actually. I haven't had this much energy in quite a while."

Donna smiled at him, putting a hand around his shoulders and nodded. "You look a lot more relaxed. And happy. Haven't seen you look like this since that little adventure with Agatha."

"That was a bit of a fun time though, wasn't it? Well, the murders were bad, but the rest was fun. And how many people can say that they have been involved in a murder mystery with Agatha Christie! Oh! The poison wasn't fun either, by the way. I was coughing up gunk all night. Not that I actually let anyone know that until now. I hate the fast approach to detox, though it does make you feel good to get rid of the toxins in the body."

"Nah, you just like to be kissed unexpectedly by women."

He grinned at her and shrugged. "I dunno, would have enjoyed a rather unexpected kiss from a bloke right then too. Just as long as it was unexpected. I did need the shock."

"Hah! Well, it won't be a shock next time, will it? I'll just have to think of something else next time."

"Hopefully there won't be a next time."

She didn't answer that one, instead she walked alongside him until he found the right room, opened it up, and put the basket on a shelf near the door. After that, he was a bit lost on what to do. "And my plans have ended now, and I am a bit lost as how to spend the rest of the night. Any ideas?"

She frowned for a bit before grinning widely at him. "Think you're up for that little movie night we had planned a while back?"

It took him a minute to remember what she was on about, before the memory of their failed movie night returned to him. He remembered the massage afterwards that was for sure. "Ah, that. Yeah, we can give it a go. I'm in the mood for a good bit of comedy."

The TARDIS moved the room which housed the large television in with the largest lounge he had, and put it near their bedrooms. By the time they got back, Wilf had already found his way in there and had gotten comfy in an armchair. He flopped himself down onto the lounge, Donna sitting next to him and, grinning, pointed to a collection of DVD's that had just appeared near the television.

"So! What do you want to watch? Guests first, Wilf!"

Getting comfortable, and unable to get the grin off his face, he didn't care what movie was chosen. He was sure he'd enjoy it, no matter what it was.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

He fell asleep during the third movie, one of which he couldn't remember a thing, owing that it was Donna who had picked it out and he fell asleep before it began rolling. She hadn't seemed too upset about it though. She woke him up only when the movie had ended and urged him to sleep a bit more in his bed.

He had mumbled at her to go away, he was comfortable where he was, and she had.

He regretted that now, a good 3 hours later, since his neck was rather stiff and sore, but Donna and Wilf seemed pleased that he had at least watched two movies with them, and had enjoyed them too.

Both of them were still up and chatting in quiet voices nearby. He couldn't really hear what they were saying, but the sleep had been good again, and he felt like he should join them. The problem was he was afraid to move, since he found his neck, shoulders and upper back stiff and sore from the awkward position he had gone to sleep in.

"Ow. Donna, why didn't you get me to bed? I feel like I've been rolled under a truck or something."

"Tried, you wouldn't budge. Don't go blaming me for whatever aches and pains you're in, Spaceman."

He scowled. "Could you help me up at least? My body has seized and doesn't want to move too well. That'll teach me to sleep like this. Never again I tell you, never again."

"Until next time, Doctor," Wilf joined in, earning a chuckle and a pat on the shoulder from Donna.

He grunted, but grinned. "Yeah. Probably."

He was helped into a better seating position, but he found that he wasn't moving any further than that for the time being. "I could really use someone else's hands now. My arms don't want to move..."

He tensed, which didn't help, when a pair of hands landed on his shoulders. "It's me. You don't have to go all weird on me. Just trying to get the kinks out, alright?"

He tried to relax, but he couldn't see Donna, and she moved his arm back and it hurt, he shrieked out loud. "Let go of me! Get off!"

He could hear the loud sigh as Donna moved so she was sitting next to him. "Better?"

"You hurt me! And no! Now I am in more pain than I started in."

She looked at him and frowned. "Sorry. I made you remember, didn't I? It's your shoulders."

He grimaced. "No! It just hurt like hell. You moved my arm the wrong way."

"Yeah, well, sorry for that too, then. Come on. Want me to try again? I'll be gentle."

"No. I'll just have to live with it. It'll go away eventually."

She nodded and got up, stretching. "Well, suppose that's good. It's really late, and since we're all in here anyway, no point in going back outside to sleep. So, I'm going to bed. Night Doctor, night gramps!"

"Night," both he and Wilf said at the same time and watched as Donna walked towards the door. The only thing that gave away that Donna was really tired and doing what she said was her yawning every now and then on her way to the door.

He turned to Wilf and grimaced again. "Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin this outing for anyone. Guess I'm still a little jumpy. Nothing like before though. Thank god for that."

Wilf chuckled and patted him on the hand. "You haven't ruined everything. I live in a house with Donna and Sylvia. Believe me, they get at each other's throats a lot more than that yelling match you two had earlier on. You made up, which is more than I can say for Donna and Sylvia. My girls don't get along very well sometimes."

He grinned at that. It wasn't very funny, but he could tell the truth in that. "I noticed that, yeah. And Donna mentioned it. I don't think she's very happy with me at the moment. Sylvia that is, not Donna. Mothers never seem to like me."

"Not even your own?"

He blinked and laughed. "Oh, no, I meant lately, since I started meeting the family. I don't even know why I started doing that. Martha and Donna keep on saying it's because I'm lonely. That one's pretty much a given, but I don't think meeting my travelling companions' mothers will help with that."

"You talk like you will always be lonely."

Sighing, he shook his head. "I don't know about always being lonely. It feels like it though. I'm alone, I'm lonely. I'm sick of it." He probably would have said more if he wasn't interrupted by Wilf yawning. He grinned and shook his head. "Sorry. I don't need as much sleep as a human would. I keep forgetting that while I have slept you haven't. Go to bed. The TARDIS will make sure your room is opposite this room. Get some rest."

He got another pat on the leg, before Wilf got up, stretched and smiled at him. "Your ship is amazing, just so you know. Night Doctor."

"Night Wilf."

He watched as Wilf walked out of the room and was left on his own. He felt like the inside of the TARDIS was bigger and emptier than it normally was and shook his head to get rid of unwanted thoughts. It sent a bit of pain through his head and neck, but not as bad as before.

Rubbing his neck and shoulders for a bit, he got up to his feet and headed off to his bedroom afterwards. He wasn't tired, so didn't go to his bed. Instead, he went over to one of the desks in his room, where the pieces of a little gizmo he was working on were scattered.

He hoped he could get it working, mainly because it might get Donna to stop hounding him about her hair getting all frizzy by drying naturally.

Yes, it was for her. Yes, it was a nice new hair dryer, since her own broke not too long after she joined him. Yes, he meant it to be a surprise.

He just hoped it worked well when it was finished.

He had only gotten around to getting all the parts needed sorted out and in his room, before Midnight. After that planet, he hadn't been feeling good enough to do much of anything. Now though, now he was bored. Now he felt like doing something. Now, he decided, he felt a lot better.

Whatever type of depressive mood he had fallen into was lifting, and he felt happy, knowing he was doing something that would please his friend and companion. He was happy right then to be in a mood to be productive at all. It felt good to sift through the components needed, and picked out a few to start working on the hair dryer.

He did the small fiddly parts first, and he stopped when the TARDIS told him that Donna was stirring. He quickly hid the blueprint he had drawn out, but didn't bother putting anything else away. Right now it looked nothing like what it would be when it was finished, so he didn't feel any need. He could say it was anything, if Donna asked.

She stumbled into his room, automatically looking to his bed when she entered, before she spotted him and smiling in his direction. "Morning. What are you doing?"

"Just tinkering. Spare parts. I was bored and didn't need any more sleep. It kept me occupied."

She nodded and smiled more readily, more real. "It's good to see you doing something so normal for you. I've gotten used to you being in bed."

He scrunched up his nose at that. "Have I really been that bad? I'm not really good company sometimes. I think I almost drove Martha mad because of my moods."

"No you didn't. Martha's good. She's happy. She also has that great man of hers. She wouldn't have even met him if it weren't for you."

He grinned slightly. "Yeah. Suppose some good things can come from a very bad situation. Still, I feel a bit jealous of her. She got someone, and for that to happen, I had to lose someone."

"You're just going to end up depressing yourself further if you keep talking that way."

He shook his head. "Nah. Just a fact. Martha never would have met Tom if it wasn't for the Master. And he was shot and killed because he didn't want to spend time with me. Stubborn bloody fool. He did that just to upset me too. I just wish I knew why he hated me so much. We used to be best friends."

Donna walked over to him and hugged him from behind. "You keep piling more problems onto your shoulders and you won't be able to walk straight any longer, and then where will you be?"

"A nursing home?" he replied with a snort of laughter, before shaking his head. "I just needed a bit of a break. I feel pretty good right now. So! After we drop off your grandfather, where do you think we should go? I could take you to some planet that has some great shopping for you to buy some things. Or, maybe we could watch a meteor shower. They're rather pretty. I think you'd like it."

She smiled at him and shrugged. "Sure, both sound good. I could buy more clothes to pile onto what I already have. Hah! Buy an alien gift for my mum to see how bad she flips out over it."

They both had a laugh at that one. "Aww, Donna, has anyone ever told you that you can be wicked when you feel like it."

"Yeah, you."

"Well, if you really want to, I'll help pick out something so alien she won't know what to do with it."

"Hah! Better yet if it was something so mundane. Like that toaster, before you got one I could use."

He grinned. "I remember that. Old one blew up though. It was old, past its time. Amazing it lasted as long as it did really. Ah well, a toaster it could be, sure."

"Yeah," Donna replied, squeezing his shoulders a bit before letting go of him. "Well, I'll go get dressed then. Meet you in the console room when you're ready."

Nodding, he got up, had a quick shower, and dressed as quick as he could. Blue suit today, he thought, before admiring himself in his mirror. Well, off to Earth again, and then to get this present for Sylvia. Or, even better yet, do it the other way around.

He bounded out of his bedroom and into the console room and waited impatiently for the other two. He wanted them to know of his plans to reverse order a bit. It was only fair to Wilf if he met some real life alien-like aliens. For that, he really didn't count. He could well and truly get by with people thinking he was human.

Donna had told him of Wilf's love of the stars and planets of his own solar system. So, stick with the same place in space, but another planet. Which one though? Hmm, maybe one of the moons? He'll just wait for Wilf.

Wilf, who just happened to come into the room, looking all ready to go home. Telescope in hand, and blanket tucked under an arm, Wilf looked happier than he had ever seen the man. And all he'd done was drop him on an uninhabited planet and said it was alien!

"Wilf, which planet would you like to visit most? I feel like I've been ripping you off or something, taking you somewhere without intelligent alien life."

He was given a look like he was out of his mind. Before Wilf smiled and shook his head. "What you've already shown me is plenty enough, Doctor. I never would have seen that without you. If I ever want to go anywhere else, I'll give you a call. I notice you've got a phone on here." Wilf patted the console, and the TARDIS hummed her pleasure at that move.

The Doctor grinned and nodded. "You want to go home for a bit. I can understand that."

Wilf nodded. "It's great and all, it really is. But it's not me that should be out here. Let Donna do the living. I've already had a good life, and this has made it better, yes, but I can't get any better than I already am. If you get my meaning."

The grin on his face, smoothed out into a smile. "Yeah, I get it. You're a brilliant man, Wilfred, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

"Hah, never. Let anyone tell me otherwise that is."

The Doctor clapped his hand on Wilf's shoulder and laughed. "Let's get you home for a bit then, shall we. What's taking Donna so long?"

They waited another two minutes, before Donna came in, carrying a box and grinning in that smug way that made the Doctor want to run in the opposite direction. She had planned something. He was worried about what. All he could hope was that it wasn't a surprise for him.

"What's in the box, love?" Wilf asked, and Donna laughed and winked at the man.

"A little present for mum. Saves us a trip somewhere first. It's a toaster. Like the one you used to have, Doctor. Found it in my room, compliments of the TARDIS."

He couldn't help but laugh at that. The TARDIS was conspiring against Sylvia then? Well, that was unlikely, but it did seem fitting. It was a joke of sorts, and she did have a bit of a wicked sense of humour. "Well, then it is just meant to happen then. Wilf just informed me he wants to go home for a bit, and if he wants to come with us again, he'd call. This will stop an unnecessary trip to get an actual gift. All up, it works for all of us!"

He quickly put in the coordinates and got the TARDIS going, and all the while Donna grinned at him in that way that said she was happy with what he was doing and was proud of him. He grinned back, before the TARDIS landed with a bit of a bump in the backyard of the Noble residence.

This time they weren't so lucky. Sylvia was in the backyard when they landed, hanging out washing on the line. A sparkling white shirt landed in the dirt, and the Doctor had the short lived pleasure of hearing Sylvia scream.

Donna exited with her gift in her hands and just went right on inside. Wilf exited next, hugging his daughter on the way indoors and he went out last, just as the shirt was picked back up and thrown back into the basket to be washed again. He quickly shut the door and grinned at the stunned woman. "Hi! Hope you don't mind us landing in the backyard. Do you have tea? I could use a cuppa right about..."

"What the hell are you doing, putting that box on my garden!" shrieked Sylvia, pointing to the remnants of what used to be a small patch of herbs.

"Oh, oops. Sorry. I can replace them easily enough if you want me to. I could even pay if you...want."

He was given a glare that could rival Jackie Tyler's slaps in their fierceness and he quickly cleared his throat and followed the other two into the house. By the time he got in there, the jug had boiled and four cups were waiting. There were only two teabags.

"Tea! Brilliant! I think I'm about to be yelled at for squashing the herb garden. The TARDIS chose the perfect place to land this time, and now I'm in for it. It's always the mothers! First Jackie, then Francine and now your mum, Donna. I can't escape it."

He found it frustrating, but hilarious at the same time, and to make things worse he began laughing just as Sylvia stormed her way back inside the house. He felt the blow on the back of his head, but hadn't expected it. His forehead fell onto the table in front of him from the force of it.

He blinked away stars, and then found himself blinking through tears of pain. "Ow. That hurt. That...really hurt." He rubbed slightly at his head, thankful that the pain would hopefully fade soon.

"Serve you right. Coming in here and wrecking my home. Only thing you're good at far as I know of you, destroying things."

It was enough to get him right out of his good mood. It was true, it always was and will been. The only thing he was good at was destroying things. He bowed his head and nodded. "Yeah, I seem to do that a lot. Can't go anywhere without destroying something. Nothing ever lasts around me. I'm just...going to go back to the TARDIS now. Leave you alone."

Donna did something he never thought she would ever do before he could get back outside. She slapped her mum across the face and glared at her. "Don't you _dare_ say things like that about him. It's not true. He apologised for it. I heard him. It's not his fault the TARDIS landed where she did."

He frowned. "I can't exactly control her like I should. Never have been able to. I wasn't her first pilot. It is my fault, though. Everything is my fault. It is _always_ my fault. I'm going alright? You don't have to worry about me wrecking your home any further."

He turned and walked out, aware that he was about to crash. He opened the TARDIS, went inside her and let himself slide down her door, burying his head in his hands. "Damn it. I am so fed up of _crying_!"

He felt her trying to calm him down, nudging his mind with hers, and giving off waves of loving concern over his wellbeing. It only made him feel worse.

Why was it that when he felt really bad all the time he barely cried, but now that he was beginning to feel better, he seemed to be constantly crying? It was annoying, it was embarrassing and, most importantly, it was not him. He was the one who could keep his emotions hidden from everyone behind a mask. He was the one that made mania look good.

When had that changed? He had kept it up all the time with Rose, and half the time with Martha. Now with Donna his mask was crumbling and he didn't want anyone to see him like this. As soon as he had made his mind up to just leave and go off alone for a bit, a knock was heard from the door.

Sighing and rubbing at his eyes, still wet and red, he opened it up a crack and looked out. Wilf stood there, looking down at him.

"What are you doing down there on the floor? Come on, up you get. Join me out here. It's nice weather today."

He shook his head, not sure he'd be able to even speak with how closed up his throat still was. He sniffed and was surprised when Wilf handed a hankie to him through the crack in the door. He shook his head again. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin something else. He'd rather have his nose drip all over the place.

He expected the man to leave after that, so was rather surprised yet again, when Wilf sat on the ground by the TARDIS and smiled at him. "Donna went off at her mum, just so you know. She said something which made my Sylvia feel guilty as anything too. We had a neighbour who had Depression. She ended up overdosing on pills. She left only a general note too, to no one in particular."

The Doctor stared at Wilf, wondering what some stranger killing herself had anything to do with him.

Wilf must have caught on, as he shook his head and continued on. "The last person to speak with her was Sylvia. She told her to suck it up and get on with it. She blamed herself for a long time for her death. She didn't mean for her to go kill herself, she meant for her to live, but she doesn't really see how her words can hurt sometimes."

Clearing his throat, he nodded slightly. "She couldn't have said anything worse to get me upset..." he said, his voice hoarse and he coughed afterwards.

"So Donna said. She also said that it wasn't your fault either. That it is just how things work around you. You defend places and people that normally wouldn't be defended. You do things that most people wouldn't be able to do to help. And sometimes that doesn't work and people get hurt or die and places get destroyed. She also told us about some aliens called ood and something about living shadows and a library."

"She talked about the Library? She ended up stuck in a virtual alternate reality and was married to this guy who she really did love. She had two kids. She found out that they weren't real. She lived that. To her she has lost two children and a husband."

Wilf sighed at that and nodded. "She told me over the phone. I think she also called that Martha woman who was over last time you were. They're friends and talk all the time from my reckoning."

The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, she told me after Midnight that she had kept in contact with Martha. And I knew she'd keep in touch with you."

"Oh, I told her to keep me posted on every stop you two make out there. Last place was this Midnight. She seemed to be really enjoying herself. Said the view was spectacular, all made of diamonds and sparkling. Leisure planet wasn't it? What happened?"

He told him. Everything. His doubts at what it was that scared him most. The fascination that the creature made him feel, while everyone else accused him of helping it because of that. How they threatened to throw him out just to get to Sky. About how it could have been his fault to begin with just for asking the driver and mechanic to crack the visor to look outside. That the hostess whose name they hadn't even asked for sacrificed her own life to save him, just to keep the others on board safe as it was her job to do so.

He told him of the way he had talked to Sky and learnt a bit about her life during the cruise. How she had been certain that the creature, whatever it was, had chosen her. Of how frightened he had been when it had captured him, making him unable to move, unable to defend himself. The terror of being dragged towards the door, with the men on board all ready to throw him out, believing him now to be possessed by the thing inside Sky. Of how simple sayings he had said coming out of Sky's mouth had given it away only to the hostess who had listened to what he had said even though he hadn't thought she had.

By the time he had finished he was tired. With the sun beginning to set he didn't know if he was tired from telling what had happened fully for the first time, or if it was because it was getting late and his sleep pattern still wasn't fully back to normal, or if it was because he had cried rather heavily earlier.

Donna and her mum hadn't come out and bothered them. Either Donna had warned Sylvia off of him, or had sent her grandfather out to talk to him to begin with. Either way, he felt like a weight had been taken off of his shoulders to have finally told someone the whole story.

He hadn't had a panic attack or flashback or had anything bad happen either. That relieved him more than anything else. He really was getting better, even if he did still have emotional outbursts.

They stayed silent for a while, until it got dark, before Wilf squeezed his shoulder and gestured towards the door to the house. "Come on, Doctor. No one's going to yell at you. Dinner should be ready by now. Baked dinner I heard. The two girls had started on it when I came out here to speak with you."

The relief he felt was beginning to rush away in a slight fear of stepping back into the house. He didn't really want to see Sylvia again right then, but he knew that Donna wouldn't let him stay in the TARDIS by himself for too long.

Reluctantly he got to his feet and shuffled his way forwards, Wilf's arm on his shoulder a comfort to him. He stilled at the door, before sighing loudly and going that last step inside. Donna was setting the table as he walked in and smiled at him, before pointing to the seat he was supposed to sit in. He sat. He didn't know what else to do at that moment, especially since Sylvia was then dishing out plates of food not two steps away from the table.

He felt faint and remembered that he hadn't eaten much dinner the past two nights. His appetite had been returning to him, he had already known that, but right now he found himself really hungry. Unconsciously he licked his lips and sent a look of longing towards the food.

He wouldn't steal any though, since he didn't think he'd be able to handle being yelled at without going through another embarrassing outburst.

A plate was put in front of him, and though it was still rude, he started eating before the next plate was put on the table. Donna grinned at him. "What were you talking about outside? Every time I looked out the window, you were chatting away."

The Doctor choked on a bit of potato and swallowed heavily, before speaking. "What happened on Midnight mostly."

"Really? You alright?"

He looked at her and speared a few beans on his fork. "Yeah. I'm fine. I feel kind of relieved, actually. And hungry. And tired. Think I'll sleep as long as you tonight. I'm still waiting for my sleep pattern to get back to normal, but I'm getting there."

"You got it all out this time, and not just bits and pieces? That'll probably do you the world of good."

He nodded and shrugged. "Probably. Still a bit overemotional though."

"Well, as long as you know it, then I know to expect it, don't I? I've been putting up with you this long, so don't think I'll leave now. Nah! Can't get rid of me that easily Spaceman."

That made him smile and nod. "Yeah. We make a good team. I get into trouble and you slap the hell out of anyone standing in the way. Perfect."

Donna nodded and went back to eating for a bit. The table was quiet until the last of the food had gone, and he felt comfortably full and good again because of it. His eyes were beginning to close on him with the urge to sleep, but it was still early for that yet, so he shook his head and rubbed at his face and froze when Donna asked him a question he really hadn't been expecting.

"Doctor, if we had found Lee in the Library, would he have travelled with us as well? He didn't really have anything to go back to."

Frowning, he thought of that. He had no idea what Lee had been like, only that he had loved Donna and Donna had loved him. Well, that pretty much would have settled it for him. "Yeah. Just no children on the TARDIS, well, unless they are in their teens. Teens I can do. I usually get along with teenagers."

Donna smiled brightly at him at that, before she got up and begun to pile up the dirty plates. Wilf took his telescope and went outside. Apparently he had a hill to stargaze on and went up there every night no matter the weather.

Sylvia stayed at the table and did nothing other than stare at him. He blinked at her. "What?"

"You're an alien?"

He blinked and frowned. "Umm, I thought that had been established last time I was here. With me yelling about it and all. And Donna and Jack and me were talking about the TARDIS. And that we had all been travelling trough time and space. Don't blame you for not believing it. Most humans wouldn't until proven wrong. Like Donna. She missed everything until her wedding day, and then she saw everything."

Sylvia sniffed. "You made her the way she is. She's lazy and won't do anything anymore, and it's because of you."

He raised an eyebrow at that and snorted out in laughter. "Lazy? Only when she isn't moving. You have no idea just how active she has been. Before she started travelling with me, she was playing detective. She couldn't tell you, but she did it brilliantly. Not a lot of people could actually track me down, but she did it. We ended up investigating the same thing at the same time. It's almost like destiny or fate or...or some other word that means it was meant to be."

Rolling her eyes, Sylvia shook her head. "You better not be..."

"We're not sleeping together! Why does everyone think we're a couple?"

Donna joined them after that, sitting herself down in the seat next to her mother and frowned. "Oh god, not you too. You know me mum, I don't like skinny guys, and the Doctor is a stick."

"Thank you! See? Not having sex. We're not even the same species. Of course if it's only your own species you're allowed to have sex with, I'll never have sex again. Good thing my people weren't that sexual."

Donna laughed and shook her head. "How did you start talking about sex to my mum? That is so not right."

He grinned back. "She brought it up."

"Play nice, you two. I don't want any trouble in the form of half alien grandchildren. Not that I think I'll end up having grandchildren."

Donna rolled her eyes at that. "Mum, I'll have children if I find the right guy. Too bad that the right guy for me wasn't real..."

He would have answered, but instead just yawned widely, before sighing into his hand. "I really wish I could sleep normally right now. I'm _really_ tired."

"Yeah, well, use a bed tonight, not a couch. I don't want you complaining of a sore neck again."

He laughed at that and nodded. "Yeah. I will. Night Donna, Sylvia."

"Night," the two women replied as he got up, stretched and went back to the TARDIS. Well, at least now he seemed to be in Sylvia's good books.

He didn't bother changing into his pyjamas, instead he collapsed onto his bed and he was in a deep sleep almost instantly. He did catch the TARDIS soothing him further with her song before sleep overtook his senses, and it left him with a slight smile on his face.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

Donna stayed in her room that night, her mother and grandfather talking into the night about the Doctor and aliens and different planets. She could hear them from where she was, curled up on her bed and glaring at the wall.

She wished her mother didn't know. It made it all seem somehow...tainted now that she knows, and that was a horrid thing to think, but it was the truth.

It was spoiling it all for her, knowing that her mum knows what she's doing.

For so long, she had managed to keep it a secret from her. First the looking for the Doctor, and afterwards actually travelling with him, and especially about the whole alien thing. And now everything was ruined.

Her life felt like it was once again going to be ruled by her mother, and disappointment and bitterness rushed through her.

She wondered if that was how the Doctor felt when he was feeling down. If he had felt those emotions each time she had told him she wanted to go home. She hoped not, because she had told him that a few times, and each time she had meant it.

She was now beginning to understand why he had looked so terrified after she had said she had wanted to go home after hearing the song of captivity from the Ood. She was thankful now that she had changed her mind, as she was rather worried about what that would have done to the Doctor.

If she had learnt anything from him, it is that no one should ever be alone.

And that included her.

Sometimes it felt like she was only just a temp and not good enough as anything else, and her mother was ruling her life for her. And it was true, but why was she only now realising this after her mum had found out about what the Doctor was and what they had been up to?

Why couldn't she have kept her mouth shut?

She wondered again if this was how the Doctor felt when he was being in one of his emotional states, because she felt like her life was suddenly and furiously spinning right out of control. She hadn't even felt like this in any of her adventures with the Doctor.

Sure, she'd had the revelation that she might die at any second a few times, which was similar but completely different at the same time to this.

She'd have to talk to the Doctor in the morning about it. She knew he was slightly telepathic, like the Ood were, and that he can do things with other people's minds. Maybe...maybe he could get her mum to forget...

She fell into a restless sleep somewhere around midnight, and woke again feeling just as grumpy at six in the morning.

Fine, the Doctor was sleeping like a human, and she was sleeping like a Time Lord. There was something very wrong about that...

Getting up and dressed was a hassle to her, but she did it, because it was about time for her to check up on how much sleep the Doctor actually got last night. She hoped he wasn't still asleep and that he'd been up most of the night.

She noticed something was a bit off when she went into the kitchen and saw her gift already set up and in working order. Also, the TARDIS had been moved, but the noise hadn't woken her up. Did the TARDIS have a silent mode then? Must have, because that noise could wake her up in the deepest sleep she'd ever been in.

Where the TARDIS had landed last night was shown, and to her amusement, she found that none of the herbs were ruined. In fact, the little garden was wet and full, covered in new growth.

"Oh my god, he really did replace the plants. That'll make mum happy," she whispered quietly to herself, before going to where the TARDIS was now parked and going inside.

The Doctor's feet were sticking out of the grating that made up the floor in the console room, and Donna grinned. "Something wrong?" she asked, and he grunted and mumbled something around the sonic screwdriver.

"What?"

More mumbling at her question.

"What?!"

He sighed, got out of his hole and pulled the screwdriver out of his mouth. "I said, when I went to get the new herbs, her buffers weren't working properly. Very bumpy ride. I landed quite heavily on my head at one stage. Still got the headache."

Donna folded her hands under her chest and smirked. "Sure she wasn't doing that on purpose?"

"Yeah, she apologised and meant it. She wouldn't have done that if she was just fooling around. Anyway, almost fixed the problem. You can have breakfast if you want. I hooked up the new toaster in the house just so you know. Works and all. I had some toast from it. Perfect."

"I noticed. Mum'll be happy about the new garden, but pissed at the new toaster if you undid the old one too."

"Both are up and running, don't worry. I'm trying hard not to get on your mum's bad side right now. She hurts..."

Nodding, Donna sat on the seat and frowned at him. "I was going to ask if you could wipe her memory of knowing you're an alien and me travelling with you."

He dropped the screwdriver and stared at her like as if she had said the most stupid thing in the history of the planet. "Why would I do that?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly, "Because her knowing is a bad thing, Doctor. She'll never stop now that she knows."

"Never stop what? Honestly, I don't see what the problem is. My being alien isn't something I've ever really kept quiet. Though, in my first two incarnations, I did tend to go by with everyone thinking I was human. I only had the one heart then, you see. Nasty little defect that, but it fixed up with my second regeneration. Had the proper two ever since. I don't mind that your mum knows."

"I mind Doctor. It's like suddenly my whole life has been turned on its head. Again."

He blinked at her and his head cocked to one side, as his eyebrow arched. "Well, I can see how it might make that happen, but imagine how she feels about it. Her life has been turned around too, you know."

Shaking her head and closing her eyes and just stopping another loud sigh to escape her, Donna felt like walking over to him and whacking him on the head for his bluntness. "Doctor, her knowing is like giving the news about you to the biggest gossip the world has ever known. By the end of the week, mum will have told all her friends about you being an alien."

He grinned at her and shrugged. "So? It's not exactly a secret, is it? And add to that how many people will actually believe her... I don't mind, Donna. Honestly, I don't."

"I _do!_ I don't want her to know. It's like she's trying to ruin this part of my life too!"

She saw some kind of understanding light up his eyes when she said that, and she backed off a few steps, as he walked a few steps towards her, dusting his hands off on his trousers. "Is that what this is about? You're afraid your mum is going to try and ruin this? You think her knowing will somehow cause you to not enjoy it, or that she'll force her way on board the TARDIS or something? Oh, Donna, don't worry about that. It'll be fine. In fact, it might help your mum mellow out a bit."

She couldn't help but laugh at that last, and it wasn't out of humour either. "You don't know my mum, obviously."

He shrugged again and got back into his hole to continue working on the TARDIS. "I know well enough that you should give it a chance first, before trying to throw it away. No, Donna, I'm not going to wipe your mum's memory just so you can feel like she's out of the loop. It's unfair."

She frowned at his feet, before turning around and walking back out to the back yard, and into the house. She'll show him perfect toast...

By the time she was done, the now unplugged futuristic toaster was dangling from one of the coral struts on the TARDIS and the Doctor was looking at her in shock. She didn't wait for him to regain his voice, she took off back to her room instead, hoping for a few more hours of sleep.

Sometimes she really hated that bloody alien beanstalk.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Doctor was confused about what had just happened with Donna. One minute she seemed rather talkative but slightly down, the next she was throwing toasters at his head and telling him he could eat it.

Whatever that meant. He couldn't eat a toaster anyway, as it was a bit too big and made of metal.

He took the five minutes he needed to finish fixing the TARDIS and hurried back to the house, stopping first by the tap to wash his hands. He didn't find Donna but he did find Wilf and Sylvia at the small table, eating porridge.

"Has anyone seen Donna? I think she is angry at me, though I have no idea why..."

"What'd she do? Throw her breakfast at you?" Sylvia asked, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

"No, but she did throw my toaster at my head..."

"Oh ho! You're in trouble now. What did you do?"

He glared at Wilf. "I didn't _do_ anything. She was angry I _wouldn't_ do something. Completely different kettle of fish."

"What, you didn't make her toast fast enough? That sounds like Donna. Sometimes she just doesn't think."

He turned his glare from Wilf to Sylvia after she had said that and turned it up a notch. "Actually, she wanted me to wipe your mind on you knowing about me because she's afraid you're going to ruin this part of her life too."

Silence descended upon the room like a big black cloud and Sylvia blinked at him, stunned. "You can do that? You can't read minds can you? You're not listening to me think right now, are you?"

He sighed loudly. "No. I'm more of a...touch telepath. For me to see into your mind and do anything with it, I need to touch you at specific points. Here." He placed his hands across the places on his own head. He took a deep breath and went on, hoping he wouldn't get slapped for his trouble on explaining this.

"It's the only telepathic way I can communicate with others, unless they are telepathic too, and then I don't need the touch. Most humans only have the dormant genes for it, but it can be opened. That's how Donna knows about it. She wanted to hear a telepathic song and asked me to open her mind to it. When she didn't want to hear it anymore, I locked it away again. No harm done. And no, I didn't go scrounging around in her memories. That's completely rude, and even I wouldn't go that far. Well, unless she was unconscious, or somehow was driven insane and it was the only way to reach her. Then I would."

Sylvia looked at least moderately calmer now she knew he needed to be touching her at specific points. "Do you ever shut up?"

He blinked and grinned. "Sorry, I tend to get a bit...carried away with words sometimes."

Wilf let out a chuckle and patted his shoulder, but nothing else was said, until breakfast was finished by the two humans at the table. He helped wash and wipe up, just to stay in Sylvia's good books. Or at least try to get in them to begin with.

It was still quiet when she asked the question he had known she'd wanted to ask since she found out he was an alien. He had been dreading it.

"What planet are you from? One of ours?"

He sighed and shook his head. "It was called Gallifrey. It was destroyed in a War quite a few years back. 6 I think it is now. I was the only survivor. Sort of, there was one other, but he was shot and killed two years ago. So now I'm the only survivor. I really don't want to talk about that."

She didn't look at him, just nodded, before she launched into her next question. "Why are you on Earth?"

This question made him smile. "Earth is sort of like my adopted planet. I protect it and its people. Well, technically, I protect any and all planets in the entire universe, but Earth has always been my favourite. It was the first I visited, you see? With Susan. My dear, sweet, Susan. She was my one and only grandchild. She fell in love and married a human and stayed on Earth. She was picked up and drafted into the War anyway. She was pregnant at the time. Pregnant! That made me so angry..."

"For someone who doesn't want to talk about it, all questions end up with you going on about it anyway."

He shut up and glared at the back of her head. "Should I apologise? Is it bad, or wrong? I don't want to _actively_ talk about it. I wasn't even able to mutter my bloody planet's _name_ until the day I met Donna, on her wedding day. 3 years ago... it took me 3 years to get to that. 3 _years_! Two regenerations, a few companions of which I lost them all, and I couldn't even think about it until I had no choice but to do so. It rips me apart inside. Sometimes I wish I could forget what little I remember. Sometimes I wish I could remember what happened all the way through."

Wilf, who had been silently listening, placed a hand on his back and patted it. "That happens sometimes, no matter how good your memory is. In humans it's a defence mechanism so we don't go insane or something like that."

He huffed in what he hoped come out as sounding humorous. "Not too different then in that department. Our brains are completely different, but we have the same mental problems. That's rather funny. I remember how it ended. I could _never_ forget that, no matter how hard I tried. I remember I was stationed at Arcadia and I was on the front lines there. I remember getting off that planet alone, all my soldiers dead. I remember when I first learned about the War. I remember the death of a friend echoing in my mind, since we were telepathically communicating at the time. I remember the Nightmare Child. I don't remember any of the details about Arcadia at all, only that I was the only one that got off from my group. It filled up so much of the War for me and I can't remember it. It's locked in my mind and I can't access it. And I still went slightly mad over the whole thing anyway..."

Sylvia sniffed and still didn't look in his way. And it wasn't out of pity or sadness either. "So, you lost a lot. A lot of people lose a lot of things, Doctor."

He glared at her back, reached out, swung her around and looked her right in the eyes. "I didn't lose a lot, Sylvia, I lost _everything_. Everything but memories, most of which are _bad_, and my TARDIS. I lost my wife. I lost four children, one grandchild and an unborn great grandchild. I lost my brother and my mother. I lost an uncle. I lost the rest of my family, most of which I didn't know because they wanted nothing to do with me in the first place. I lost friends. I lost enemies. I lost my professors and fellow students. I lost my planet and my people. I lost _myself_ along with all of that. No human will ever even _begin_ to understand what I have lost, because you will never lose as much as I did. Make nothing of it all you want and be thankful you will never feel what I do."

She looked at him with wide eyes and he let go slowly, afraid then of what he would do if she started talking while he was still holding any part of her. He hadn't noticed he had raised his voice or that Wilf was clinging to his shoulder. His hearts were speeding in his chest and he suddenly felt rather light headed. "I think I'm going to pass out..."

He woke up two minutes later on the couch, still light headed and feeling like he was about to be sick. He felt worse than he had after that bloody question about whether he'd ever been suicidal. He must have turned some sort of shade of green, because a bowl was placed in front of him, just as he felt bile rise in his throat.

He didn't think he'd ever stop being sick. His stomach kept heaving, and even after he was empty of food, he was still brining up acid, until he was choking on absolutely nothing. And still his insides were contracting and wanting to expel stuff that didn't any longer exist.

An anti-emetic was given to him at one stage, oddly one from inside the TARDIS, and it took a horrid five minutes to work. Thankfully it did. He had been afraid he'd choke up a lung or his stomach or tear the inside of his throat. As it was, he was gasping for breath, his whole body ached and his eyes were running from the violent motions of his body.

That's it. He was never talking about that again. Ever. He drew the line. No more talking of anything to do with the War.

He sniffled as the water leaking out his eyes started turning to proper tears. He was never going to stop crying if he started now. He could feel it. He was going to start and wouldn't be able to switch it off again. The bowl was taken out of his hands and he felt hands on his back, rubbing gently, even though Wilf and Sylvia were still in front of him.

Donna. It must be. Had she heard what he had said? He hoped not. She'd leave him, and then he'd be even more alone than he was already. His aching chest felt like it was going to collapse on him with the pressure of just trying not to cry.

He was fine. He had to be fine. If he wasn't, then there wouldn't be any point to it any longer.

Why couldn't he had done the right thing and died along with everyone else?

Why was it always him that the bad things happened to?

It took him until lunchtime to calm down enough to move without wanting to bawl his eyes out, but he did manage to not break down, thankfully. He was still never ever _ever_ going to speak of the War again. He didn't like the way it made him feel.

"Feeling better? You know, it's alright to cry over it. No one will blame you for doing so. Well, except maybe my mum, but me and granddad kicked her out when you stopped paying attention to what was going on around you."

He grimaced and coughed. His throat, chest, stomach, and head all very tight and hurting. Pounding with the force of his hearts. He shook his head and grimaced again. "No. Not alright to cry over it. I can't. Not yet anyway. I just...I don't know why, but it isn't...right."

Donna nodded and gave him a harder thump on the back than he was really expecting after such an emotional episode. "Yeah. Trust you to be one of those people who holds everything in. Not healthy that, just so you know."

He rolled his eyes. "If I want to get psychoanalysed right now, I would call Jeremy."

To his surprise, Donna passed him her mobile. He blinked at it. "Umm, yes. It's your phone..."

"I'm not kidding Doctor. I really think you should tell him about this."

He folded his arms and shook his head. "I'll be having another session in 4 days. I can tell him then. Plus, it's his lunch break too, so you know."

Donna smiled at him and left the phone in easy reach of his hands. "Excuses, excuses. You call him, or I will."

He stubbornly refused to uncross his arms from where they were, folded across his chest. Donna looked at him for a while, seeing if he'd change his mind, no doubt. Well, he wasn't going to. He'd sit there doing nothing for the rest of the day if it ended up leading to that.

In the end, Donna sighed loudly, snatched her phone back up from where she left it and strode very purposefully towards the TARDIS. He scowled at her back, before letting his hands flop to his lap. Well, he could get up now and follow her, or he could sit and sulk for a few more minutes.

He decided upon the sulking. He was _so_ not in the mood to have to put up with Donna right then.

He was too tired and sore to go through that again so soon.

* * * * * * * * * *

Not one to make idle threats when it came to really serious stuff, the minute Donna stepped into the TARDIS, she flicked her way through her phone and dialled Martha's number. She knew Martha would probably be off at work, but she would only be calling for the number.

She had looked for it around the TARDIS console, but all she could find were the messages the Doctor left scattered about the place, written in his own language, which she couldn't understand one tiny little bit. She couldn't even tell the difference between letters and numbers.

Martha took a bit longer than someone with their phone on them to answer. And she sounded rather rushed when she did.

"Martha, it's Donna."

Martha sounded rushed when she answered back. "Oh, sorry, Donna. I'm a bit busy today. Can this wait until tonight?"

"I just wanted Jeremy's number. The Doctor's had a rough morning. My mum kind of...made him explain the whole Time War thing. Well, as far as I know that's what happened. When I found out, he was busy screaming at her a list of the people he lost. It really didn't do him much good."

There was silence on the other end of the line, before Martha sighed. "How did he react?"

"Before or after he stopped being sick everywhere?"

"He was sick?"

"Yeah. He gets like that if he says stuff that upsets him. Same thing happened last Friday. Once. Today I ended up going in the TARDIS to see if there was anything in there the TARDIS knew of to make it stop."

Another few seconds of silence from Martha began, before there was a loud noise in the background from Martha's end. "Got something big on, yeah? I'll just go then, see what I can do without advice."

"Wait a sec. Got a pen and paper? And didn't the Doctor write this down when I told him?"

"Yeah, in his own language. If you learned it then good for you, but I can't make out anything but circles and lines..."

Martha told her the number to call and hung up without saying good bye. Donna was fine with that. She'd been hearing her get yelled at for the last few seconds. Something must definitely be going on over there for U.N.I.T to deal with. She quickly dialled in the number and hoped she had gotten it properly.

She had. Thank god for her quick skills when it comes to jotting things down in a hurry.

The Doctor had complained once about the boy at the reception desk, but he sounded nice to Donna. And in a few seconds she had been put through, since as the time was for lunch, there was no appointment booked for right then.

"I need advice," she came out and said right away, as soon as the hello's had been said. "I have no idea how to be like when the Doctor's like this. It's my mum's fault, not mine by the way, even if I did throw a toaster at him..."

"A toaster?"

"He refused to do something absolutely stupid that I asked him to do. I had a few hours to think it through and realised he was right, but my mum got to him again before I got downstairs."

"That was resolved then?"

Donna rolled her eyes. Bloody shrinks had the weirdest ways of talking sometimes. "Yeah. He wasn't mad or anything. He was more confused than anything else..."

"What is it you need advice about?"

"My mum got him cornered and made him speak of something he really wasn't ready to talk about. He's been able to talk about Midnight now though, with no panic or anything and he was feeling good about that, so it may be that he might have pushed himself."

"What is it he talked about that got him upset?"

Donna sighed. "Has he told you of the War yet? He was in the last Time War. Lost everything. My mum was kind of rude to him about it, like she is rude to almost everyone and said that a lot of other people had lost a lot too. He then went off and shouted out a list of people he had lost. You know, parents, kids, grandkids. I hadn't known he was a grandfather before, but he had told me about being a father once. He was heartbroken just talking about that. He got really upset this time. Kind of like the whole suicide question except ten times worse. He fainted and woke up, then was sick for about ten minutes. Then he spent four hours trying his hardest not to break down crying. He wasn't really aware of anything else then, just trying not to lose control over his emotions. I told him either he could call you or I would."

There was silence for a few seconds, and she was afraid she'd get no answer at all. Thankfully that wasn't the case, because she had no idea of how to treat the Doctor when he was like this, because he had never been like this before.

"Did he stop trying not to cry?"

"Yeah, he must have lost the urge or something. He started coming around a few minutes ago. He didn't cry."

"Did he say anything to you about that?"

Donna frowned. "Yeah, he did. I told him no one would think any less of him for crying over it, and he said he couldn't."

"Couldn't cry? Though he was in a state for hours trying not to?"

"Yeah. He was really upset, and its making me upset and I didn't know what else to do but to have one of us call you..."

"Has he been crying other than this incident?"

"Yeah, he has. The past three days, at least once a day. He'd run off, but he would tell me he had gotten upset, or I'd just know. He's gotten it into his head about me not caring if he does."

"So, it's just the War he doesn't want to cry over?"

"Yeah. Is that normal?"

There was a bit of a pause again, and she was beginning to think she hated pauses on the phone if it was about something important, especially about the Doctor and his well being. "Given the circumstances, yes, I think it's normal. Can you put him on the line please? I'd like to ask him a quick question."

Donna blinked. "Umm, yeah, just wait a sec. I'm in the TARDIS, he's still in the house..."

Quick as she could, she made it back to the house, making sure to lock the TARDIS behind her, just in case her mum started snooping about, and found the Doctor still on the couch, this time eating a sandwich and watching the television. He was looking a bit more like his normal self, and that in itself was worrying her. Almost as much as him watching with such apt attention 'Britain's Got Talent' reruns on tape. "Doctor? Jeremy wants to ask you a question."

She gave him the phone. He looked at it like it would grow fangs and bite his fingers off, but he held it up to his ear and said a quick hello. She couldn't hear the question, but she did see the Doctor's face go a bit blanker than she liked. It took him forever to answer too.

"A bit..."

After a bit more silence he grimaced before speaking again. "Not the whole reason, but..."

She smirked when she realised that he must have gotten cut off there. She thought she was the only one to do that. She was really beginning to like this Jeremy chap.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. Alright, I'll try. Bye."

He handed back her phone, looked at her for a bit, before sighing, turning off the video her mum must have found for him, and standing up. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't notice at the time."

She didn't know if it were the words, or the hug he gave her afterwards, it didn't help her much, but she patted the Doctor's back and held him close, like she had done after Midnight. He sighed into her hair. "I didn't know me not crying was upsetting you so much. And that just sounded weird coming from me."

"Doctor, I saw Jenny being shot right in front of you, and you standing guard over her body, and yet you never shed a single tear over it even though you were really upset. She was your daughter. I saw you staring at River and not noticing I was even there for ten minutes, when she gave her life to save all those in the computer, plus you. Again, no tears. And this is going to sound absolutely horrid and mean and really terrible, but... I'm kind of glad about what happened on Midnight."

He looked down at her with wide eyes and let go. "What?"

She shrugged and shook her head. "I wouldn't have said that to you any other time until right now either, because I only noticed it myself. If things happen to other people, no matter how close they are to you, you shut them out emotionally. With Midnight, you couldn't do that, because the one in danger was yourself, and it busted through some of that bloody emotional shield you have wrapped around you."

He looked to his feet and she saw his shoulders drooping slightly. "Donna...I just...I...I don't want to talk of this right now. Please?"

She nodded at him, and smiled. "Yeah. Not now. Come on, Spaceman, take me somewhere exotic! Shopping would be fun, too. Exotic shopping. Know anywhere?"

He blinked at her for a bit, before he must have realised she truly had dropped the subject for now, and grinned slightly down at her. "Yeah, I know the perfect place. Shan Shen! They have this marvellous fruit there that is very nice, and drinks that I have no doubt at all you will really enjoy. And shopping for everything else too, by the way."

Nodding, she took his arm and begun gently leading him outside. "Well, come on then. Shan Shen! Definitely sounds like an exotic place. Is it on Earth?"

He grinned more naturally at her and shook his head. "Nope, it's a planet." Well, at least it looked like the Doctor had cheered up by her dropping the subject and for them moving on again.

Together they got back on the TARDIS and after a slight five minutes, in which the Doctor did a quick check of the buffers, they were off in the vortex, speeding their way to their next adventure.

She hoped it was a good one for him.


	27. Chapter 27

And the story goes completely AU from here on out.

To those who have been waiting for Rose to magically appear and join the Doctor once again, I'm not bringing her back. She will be in for short cameo appearances like in this chapter, but only as that, and mainly as part of dreams, or when the Doctor or Jack talks about her. I'm quite sure I have stated that somewhere before (possibly over at my lj and not here) but people still ask when Rose is going to join the story as a main character. The answer to that is never. This is mainly a story of dealing with problems and loss. One of the major things the Doctor has lost as Ten is Rose. It wouldn't make sense to suddenly bring her in. Something I'd wish they'd have thought of during the actual show, instead of cheapening her first exit like they did...

And for a bit of a heads up, the future of Help! This part of the story is about the Doctor, the next will be more about the Jones family (Martha's, not Ianto's) and then back to the Doctor again. Don't worry though about the next part, the Doctor and Donna will be in most of the fic too as major players, it just takes the focus away from them for a bit, and Jack will be making an appearance as well. Yes, this story got so long that it is going to be in three parts. A trilogy. The stories will be called Help! Part One, Part Two and Part Three, or to be a bit more wordy, what they mainly focus on. Help! Midnight, The Year that Never Was, The Time War. Suggestions of which one it should be are welcome.

Yes, most of the other parts of this story are already planned out. Things might slightly change, but the story itself will undoubtedly stay the same in heart and spirit. That's what happened to this part :)

* * *

Chapter Twenty Seven

Maybe it had been a bit quick to jump to a planet so full of people so soon after the Sylvia incident in the house that morning. As soon as they landed and he got outside he was bombarded by the sounds, odours and sights of so many people packed into small alleys, all buying or selling from the vendors hawking their wares in the streets.

He sat down heavily on a seat nearby and begun having a panic attack. It had come out of nowhere, and he had thought that it would kill him this time, until he got his breathing under control and his hearts had slowed down to a much better rhythm.

He had forgotten about his little problem of not doing too well in crowded places. Oops. That was his fault, as he had been successfully avoiding crowded areas.

Maybe he should have arrived on a Sunday for once, when everything would have been closed.

Donna had disappeared into the crowd for a few minutes which had made the attack even worse, until she came back with a mug full of water for him for when he calmed down and a roll of Polos, obviously not brought round here, which he had accepted after he felt better. The mint calmed his stomach, while the water helped a tiny bit with his nerves.

He didn't go into another panic, which was good, and part of that was probably because the main population was not human. Looked human, yes, was human, no.

"That...was rather stupid of me," he stated sheepishly, looking at Donna with a small apologetic grin on his face. "I forgot how I am in crowds. And it was sudden too."

She laughed and clapped his shoulder. "Well, you'll not be forgetting anytime soon again, will you? You done? Because this place is brilliant!"

He nodded and got up, grateful that he wasn't shaky in the legs. Putting his arm around Donna's, he led her into the alien crowd and they begun what they had set out to do here. Shop. He might even enjoy himself. He was planning on it.

Soon enough he had lost the fear he had begun with and the excitement he usually got at seeing alien things and enjoying a different planet and its people caught up with him. He threw himself into looking at the things on sale, Donna enjoying his enthusiasm, and joining in on it when she spotted something she liked.

When he spotted the vendor that sold the drinks he was talking about, he grinned so widely, Donna remarked that it looked like he was trying to split his face in two. He dragged her over to the shop in his sights, got Donna seated at one of the tables before anyone else could nab it and bought two, before they were sold out.

"Trust me, Donna, you are going to love this!" he declared, putting one of the mugs down in front of her, while he took a big mouthful from his own. Donna followed, and soon they were both laughing at the foamy moustaches they were both wearing.

"Wow, this is lovely! What is it?"

"Just a drink that the people here can make with a local bean. Brilliant isn't it? It's like a cross between coffee, chocolate and caramel. But tastes good. Which is odd, since the tastes I go for in drinks don't normally go towards caramel or coffee this time around. Chocolate I love though. Yet it still tastes good, doesn't it? Some people don't like it though. Just felt like something right up your alley."

She took another sip and rubbed at her lips before licking her fingers clear of the foam. "Weird, I can't taste any of those things. Maybe it's different for each person or something. Or you got two different ones."

"Nah they're the same, but yeah, it would taste different for different people."

They finished their drinks quickly, left the mugs on the table when a boy came to clean them up, and took off, hand in hand, towards some of the food stalls. He wanted to restock some of the supplies in the TARDIS, and there were some good quality fruits and vegetables here.

None Donna looked too interested in, which was a shame. So when she asked if she could go exploring other parts of the city by herself he shrugged.

"Come on, Doctor. I don't want to go around buying food all day. I want to see what else there is."

He sighed loudly, put his latest buy in a bag he had brought and nodded. "Fine. Just, be careful. This city is huge. If you aren't back at the TARDIS in a few hours, I'll track you down. You will probably have gotten lost. Don't worry, you won't stay that way. So, I'll see you soon, either way. Go on, go have some fun."

She smiled widely at him, and he watched her disappear swiftly into the crowd, shaking his head with a grin, and wondering just how much stuff she'd buy before getting back to the TARDIS. He wondered how many of those bags he'd end up carrying.

A lot known Donna. He'd never really had someone who loved shopping so much as Donna as a companion before. Not recently anyway.

Being on his own wasn't exactly the first thing he had wanted, especially in this crowded place, but in short order he realised that he could still barter and get goods at very good prices. He hadn't lost his skill with his words then.

It was only after he begun settling down and enjoying that part of this experience that he realised that he had been afraid that it was something he thought might have been taken away from him permanently from the creature on Midnight.

He relied so much on his voice, but he had known he still had the power of speech so it hadn't even occurred to him that one of his fears might have been that his power of persuasion and charm might not have stayed intact afterwards. He hadn't been bothered with trying to use his words to gain or sell or persuade someone of anything since Midnight that he was rather confused with the revelation too.

He couldn't help but wonder what else he might have to learn about what that bloody thing had done to him in that short time it had been with him.

He carried his shopping back to the TARDIS and packed it up, making sure that the TARDIS knew to keep most of it away from Donna, so she wouldn't have a fit at eating strange alien ingredients she didn't like by mistake.

He then went back out, with a plan of seeing the sights that would more interest the explorer in him.

Beyond the city, there was a great view. Just outside the sprawling city, it gave way to pasture and farmland, and beyond that there was a mountain that seemed to go on up forever. It didn't naturally, and you couldn't see it from inside the city itself, but it was there, and it was a fabulous view. Or so he had been told anyway. Last time he had been here, he had been alone, and he had been told by one of the guides about it.

There was a tourist route to and from one of the farms too, but he would save that for another day. For one, he didn't think he'd like to go on any tours again by himself for a very long time, and he'd be late in picking Donna up and he didn't feel like getting yelled at when his day had gone from bad to good, and he'd like to keep it on the good side.

As the sun began to set, he made his way back to the TARDIS, having gotten to the edge of the city and seen just how far away and how big this mountain must be. He wanted to see it up close. He really did, but he was dreading asking Donna, because that type of activity wasn't her 'thing'.

When he checked inside and asked the TARDIS if Donna was back, and getting a negative answer, he got out his sonic screwdriver, set it to find Donna (something he had soon fixed it up to do, when he got her as a travelling companion,) and went off on the way he was being led.

When he found the building she was in, a fortune teller of all places, and he opened the door, he had been more than a bit surprised to have Donna come flying at him and cling to him like her very life depended upon it. Right then and there, it surely didn't. There wasn't any sign that he or she had been in any real trouble either, so why was she acting like this.

"Donna? What's this for, then?"

"Oh god, I thought you were dead. I thought _I_ was dead! I don't know what the hell that bug was, but can you make sure the bloody thing is dead?!"

Bug? What bug? Then he spotted it and was on instant alert. The woman who ran the store was gibbering in the corner, something about Donna and how strong she was. He sent her away, not needing her to know what had happened. She was in no state to tell him either way. Plus, he could only trust Donna's word on the events.

Never trust one of the members of the Trickster Brigade. They were bad news, and this was one of their Time Beetles.

He asked Donna to tell him what she had seen, and as soon as she reached the part where he had drowned himself because she hadn't been there to stop him he closed his eyes and frowned. She then went on marking off a list of all the bad things that had happened just because he hadn't been around to stop them, and he realised then just how important he was for the planet Earth.

She couldn't get to the end of her tale, as, with all the memories of the alternate worlds that sprung up with the Time Beetles, she was losing the memory of what had happened, except for a key part, his death.

She shook her head and sighed loudly as the most of it faded away. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I don't remember any more. Is that normal?"

He nodded. "Yeah, for someone who managed to get out, it's normal. Not many people can do that. Don't know what I'd do without you."

"Drown yourself probably. Not that you haven't tried that with me here anyway."

He sighed and hugged her close. "You want to go back to the TARDIS, or go look around some more. I think you have probably missed out on a lot of things being in here most of the time since you left me."

She was silent for a while, before shrugging slightly. "I'd like to stay. I don't think this is a bad place or anything. And I knew I should have said no to a fortune being read, but she said it was free for people with red hair. Couldn't resist..."

He grinned. "Nah, that's alright. A lot of people would have jumped at the chance."

They got up and made their way towards the exit, when she placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him. He looked at her with what he hoped was confusion. No need for her to know that he was really very relieved she was still here. He was sure she knew that anyway.

"Do you think we can do the whole tourist thing right?" she asked, which made him truly confused.

"Right? What's that mean?"

She sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "Instead of staying in the TARDIS during the night, we stay in a hotel or something and go back out in the morning. Right now I want to just go somewhere touristy and relax, not roam about. That can wait until morning."

A grin broke out across his face. "Oh! Sure, if you want. I haven't done that in a long time. Guess I'm more comfortable in the TARDIS or something, but sure, we can go somewhere here to stay for the night. We can start looking for one now, since I have no idea where a hotel is. Could be fun, hey? A little adventure on its own." He giggled at that. Finding someplace to stay for the night, an adventure. It was a rather novel idea.

They spent only a short 15 minutes looking for a place that had vacancies, and it wasn't anything special what they did find. An old bunk bed room in a hostel that had seen better days, but there were other people staying in other rooms, it was clean, and there was free breakfast which took into consideration humans. Donna found the place charming, if a little run down. He found it to be an adventure all on its own.

Their next door neighbours decided to stop around at one point to play cards. They were humans. Humans he didn't know. Humans he wasn't going to even bother making friends with. Humans who seemed to think he was being rude when he decided he'd rather go down to the rec room that was set up and watch the telly in there instead. Nothing was on, but at least it was quiet and not crowded.

It definitely wasn't a small enclosed space in which he was the only non human life form in there. He couldn't deal with that today. He really, really couldn't.

Donna met him out there a half hour later. They sat side by side for another few minutes before he sighed and turned towards her. "I'm sorry if I ruined your fun."

She shrugged and smiled in his direction. "Wasn't much fun without you. And don't worry. I told them that you'd recently had a bad experience in a small place involving a group of humans and that you weren't up to dealing with that again. They left of their own after a few games. They didn't seem too interested in staying."

He frowned but nodded. "I'm still sorry that I am not that much fun lately. I'm supposed to show you places and people you've never seen before and I keep mucking it up, and then I go and do something stupid and spend ages just...being out of it. If it helps, it makes me feel lousy too."

"Truly, I'm not in much mood for company myself. And when you're out of the room, I have to keep reminding myself that you're alive and well just down the hall."

He blinked at that, forgetting for a while about her day and what it was she still remembered of what had happened in her alternate reality. "Yeah. Well, thanks. For being there to stop myself from drowning. I don't want to die. Not really. Not now at any rate."

She smiled, but it was tight lipped and he knew that soon there would probably be a talk about that. "You better not think of it again with me around. I know what kinds of disasters happen when you're not around to stop them, now."

He decided not to mention that he knew she had forgotten most of that. Standing up, he stretched and held out his hand for Donna to grab. "I'll try. I'm feeling better now anyway. I was even thinking of taking one of the tours to the mountain to see that up close, but, umm...I'm afraid to go alone."

She did take his hand, but didn't answer him about the tour. He was disappointed. He really did want to go and see it, but he wouldn't without Donna at his side. Ah well, another companion perhaps. Maybe he could go and pick Martha up to take there instead, or Jack. He knew they'd go with him if he asked. If they'd get back in the TARDIS that is. Both of them seemed happy in their own lives right now.

They made their silent way back to their room, the squabble over which of the bunk beds they'd have already taken care of. Donna wanted the top, as she had always been on the bottom one when she was a child on sleepovers. He was quite happy with the bottom one though, as it was more a double than the single top one and it meant that he could hide on the side closest to the wall, and Donna would have to really look hard to look at him during the night.

He was getting tired. Yet again, with panic attacks and that mess he'd gone through involving having toasters chucked at him and Sylvia, he wasn't sure why he was surprised to be so tired.

Well, at least after all that, his day had at least been a good one. At least Donna didn't remember most of hers, or else she'd probably be in the same kind of state as he had been, or close to it.

Donna took her pyjamas, packed from the TARDIS before finding this place, and went to the bathroom. He did the same when she got back.

With the quiet he had fallen asleep relatively easy.

He hadn't expected to be nudged awake by a very insistent shaking from Donna only a few minutes after he achieved proper sleep.

"Doctor, come on, please wake up!" she shouted, and he could practically smell the tears in her voice.

He groaned and turned to face her. "Donna, what's this for? I'm tired..."

She whacked him hard across the head, which hurt a bit more than her usual hits, and glared down at him. "I couldn't hear you breath anymore. God, I thought you'd died or something."

Rubbing at his eyes, and frowning, he wondered why she'd thought he had died, just because he'd fallen asleep, before he remembered that he was curled up by the wall and she must have been looking for him when his breathing had slowed just to check up.

"Sorry. I forgot. Again. I can't help sleeping quietly though."

Donna was quiet for a bit, before she sighed loudly. "Well budge up then. I'm keeping my eye on you."

He was as budged up as he was going to get, so instead he raised the sheets so she could get in beside him. She did on short order and in a sort of role reversal, she was hugging his side and laying her head against his chest.

It took him a few long minutes to realise that she wasn't doing it because it was comfortable, but because she was listening to his hearts beating. He fell asleep again with her still in that position, not bothering to tell her that he found her weight on his chest a little uncomfortable.

* * * * * * * * * *

Donna felt his chest rise and fall under her cheek, and sighed, closing her eyes and wishing for sleep. She didn't think she'd get there any time soon, the only thing in her mind a hand falling into view on a gurney and the sonic screwdriver clattering to the ground. At the time, she hadn't known who he had been either, only that he had drowned.

Some blonde had asked about someone called the Doctor, who she had heard some of the military types running around call the dead man, and had pointed him out to her.

She kept on going on about it all being wrong. Donna still had no idea who that was or what she had meant, but it was like she was the first to have seen the bug on her back. People who saw it usually said weird things around her.

As far as she could remember, there was nothing else in that encounter. The Doctor himself said that she probably thought someone up herself to tell her that there was something wrong, they just took on different forms in different situations. Her mind telling her that there wasn't something right.

For that matter, quite a few of the people who had told her weird things and about the bug had been blonde, but not all.

Guess her subconscious liked blondes.

Either way, the memories were all fading, barely there now except for the wrongness, that first of the bug seeing people and the Doctor being dead.

The Doctor shifted under her, and she lifted her head and looked at him to see if she had accidentally woke him up. He was still fast asleep though and she lay her head back down. She snorted quietly into his chest when one of his arms wrapped around her back and he tried to turn over to hug her.

She knew he moved a bit in his sleep, but this was ridiculous. Still, she lifted her head off is chest and let him turn on his side, and he clung to her afterwards in the typical Doctor way she had come to know.

He really didn't know how to sleep not cuddling something. If it wasn't her, it was a pillow.

She couldn't help but wonder if he was like that before Midnight, or if it was a habit he picked up afterwards. Either way, it was rather comforting to her right then, so she allowed it.

She grinned at the thought of her next purchase, which he'd either be mad about or thank her rather happily. A teddy bear or some other stuffed animal to sleep with. It was something right up his alley...

With her thoughts turned to happier things, she managed to fall asleep.

She woke up a good 9 hours later alone in the bed, but the Doctor in the room. It took her a few seconds to realise he was buttering toast. "Hope you got some for me, Spaceman," she said, her voice a bit rough from just waking up.

He whirled about and almost fell off the lone seat at the small desk that came with the room. "Donna! Just in time! Breakfast was just served. Mind you, I think the toast is the only thing worth eating, but it is good toast. Here."

She grabbed the piece of still hot toast she was offered and took a bite, surprised that it was actually good. She'd stayed in hostels before. Most of the food she'd had in them was cold by the time she got any. It was a nice change.

She quickly ate her breakfast before getting up off the bed, stretching and smiling down at the Doctor. "So! If we do your mountain today, we are staying another day to do what I want. We can have the room for more than one day, can't we?"

He nodded, still chewing on his last piece of toast, before pointing to the door. "I can change that right after you're changed for the day. And thanks. I was sure you'd say no to the tour, since it's not your type of activity to do..."

She smiled and patted his knee. "I'm just kind of happy you want to go on another tour again. I know you used to enjoy that type of stuff, but after the last time...well, I didn't think you'd even ask me. I didn't even know about it until you asked out of the blue last night."

"Oh. Well, should be fun. A little bit of a trip, but mainly a nice little hike. No, before you ask, it's not all the way up. There's a tourist camp near the bottom but a good few hours walk. Should be fun. I need a bit of exercise after lazing about in bed for...ooh, has it really been a month?"

"Feels a lot longer than one to me, Time Boy."

He grinned at her. "Sorry. But still, up, out and about now."

"Yeah." She patted his knee again and got up, finding her bag on the top bunk and getting out the one change of clothing that was packed before coming here.

She went off to the bathroom, had a quick shower and got dressed. By the time she got out, the Doctor was finished with his breakfast, and had been searching through his own small bag for something. "What are you looking for?"

He looked at her and grinned, pulling out some coins. "Money! Kind of got stuck down the bottom of the bag when I went shopping for food yesterday. Hope this is enough for two..."

They exited the room, with their bags just in case they had to swap rooms, and asked at the desk if they could book it for another two nights. When they got a nod, they locked their things back in the room and made their way out into the bustling streets of Shan Shen.

She really hoped the Doctor was up to this.

* * * * * * * * * *

The ride to the start of the actual walking bit of the tour was half an hour, but in an open roofed cart, driven by the animal that substituted horses on this planet. They looked more like deer to him, and the Doctor grinned most of the way, wondering if the people of Earth would think of this thing as some sort of weird Santa's sleigh.

Well, at least these deer type creatures didn't fly. Though it would possibly make the trip less boring.

The crowd of people bunched in there with him and Donna didn't make him as nervous as being in a small room with three humans, as it was a diverse group in which there were other species other than human. As far as he could tell, Donna was the only human. In fact, most of the people on board seemed to be different species.

That was good for his state of mind. He didn't immediately begin thinking that he would be the one that would be singled out, since everyone was in the same boat. Or cart, rather. He'd be able to hold his own probably if there was a situation which led to mass panic, which it really didn't look like.

A child, orange skin and tiny bumps which would turn to horns when he grew up grinned and pointed out things along the way, which made his day. The boy's mother, skin a light brown from maturity, kept him close, but indulged him his curiosity.

He tried to remember what species they were, but kept coming up blank, seeing as it was a species he hadn't met before. Ah well, they looked after their children and were friendly, even with their rather fierce looks. That made them alright in his books.

Soon enough he had started answering things about what the child was pointing out, and before long was gaining attention. He managed not to panic, as it was all out of an interest in their surroundings and not in an interest to get more information to use against him.

Still, it had quieted him down a bit, and he was soon holding Donna's hand, while she grinned at him like she was indulging him as much as the child was.

By the time they reached the base of the mountain and the start of their hike, he had calmed down again, and was practically bouncing on the spot, ready to go for a nice long walk. He was suddenly filled with the energy he was used to, and it felt good to be active, out on an alien planet that wasn't Earth, and enjoying himself.

The mountain, named for the city itself, or the city was named after it, loomed above them, and he soon was moving with the others up a slight incline, towards the camp for the tours.

Nothing happened on the way up, they stayed for lunch and a bit of a talk to the others, before going back down again.

The cart ride back was a lot quieter, as most of the group were tired and less excited, and he found he enjoyed it more that way. He found out the species of the alien mother and child too. Brizna. From a planet called Torandar. He also found out they were mainly vegetarian, only eating meat when nothing else was available and on sacred days, and they never ate eggs.

All up, for his first tour after Midnight, it was a nice one to have been a part of, and he was glad Donna had decided she'd go with him. He summed it up as a good day and that he could do with a few more of them in his life, especially with how hectic things tended to get around him.

He just hoped tomorrow's shopping day for Donna went as smoothly.


	28. Chapter 28

Any info wrong in this chapter is my fault.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Instead of the one other day they were going to stay on the planet, they ended up staying two, because of one, slightly unforseen problem.

A problem which had, as they were taking off to go back to Earth as it was now Friday in London, gotten the Doctor to do something he had thought he would never do again in this incarnation.

He started the TARDIS, set them on a course for Martha's place, as her house was closest to where he met Jeremy, and burst out laughing. Not hysterical laughter brought on by fear either, this was deep down hilarity formed laughter, of which left him winded and giggling after his body calmed down a bit.

He didn't think he'd ever have trouble bringing up a funny memory from now on. What had happened to Donna had been funnier than finding out Rose in a parallel universe was a dog!

The two days had been good for him, but much less so for his companion. Poor Donna had spent one night in a jail cell for her 'trouble'. All because of her shopping.

He had completely forgotten that there was a limit to how much one could buy a day on the planet, and because she was adamant about doing it all herself, including all the carrying (she probably thought he'd break under the weight of it all, or disappear behind the bags worth of stuff she had gotten) it was only her that had gotten the fine and jail sentence.

Thankfully, she had definitely had the money thanks in part to him finding a cash point and getting an infinite credit bar. Too bad that those things only had a short lifespan, or he'd get one of each currency and keep them stashed in the TARDIS.

But right now she was adamant she'd never set foot in a shop again. Which was in part where the hilarity of the situation came from. Every time she opened her mouth to talk about a shop, he couldn't help but laugh.

Much funnier than Rose the dog.

Donna was not too pleased with him, and had learnt to shut up, but sometimes he still laughed over the incident. Laughing was good. He hadn't had a lot to laugh over lately. He hoped that Donna soon remembered that.

At least the cell she had stayed in had as much if not the same in it to the hostel they had stayed in. The only difference being that she had no way of getting out. What was charming to her about the hostel room was made into a nightmare for her in the cell.

He wouldn't have seen the difference.

Yet again, he was a bit more used to being locked up.

Thankfully, she was let out the next day, as it wasn't a major crime.

The TARDIS landed with a thump and shake, and he shook his head, a grin still on his face and went to the door, worried for a second as to why Martha hadn't come down from her bedroom to greet him.

He then noticed it was 4 in the morning, and chuckled to himself, shaking his head. He knew both Tom and Martha had to get up early to get to work, but he didn't know if they were still in bed, or if they had already left.

He was answered when Tom slowly came down the stairs, a bat in his hands. The grip on the makeshift weapon was loosened when Tom saw who it was that had been making the noise downstairs. Donna took that second to come out of the TARDIS with a forced smile on her face. "Your ship is ignoring me, Doctor."

He grinned. "She's not going to stop me from being happy for once. Sorry if that annoys you."

"Doctor, Donna. Couldn't have picked a better time, could you?" Tom asked, ignoring the little conversation. The Doctor grinned at Martha's fiancé and shook his head.

"Sorry. I didn't put in a specific time, except before 11am."

"11?"

"Yeah, got a session. And I can't believe I am saying that out loud. Why is it called a session anyway? Appointment not good enough or do they like to keep themselves apart from business terms?"

Tom stared at him a bit, a shrug of a solitary shoulder the only response he got until Martha stomped rather angrily down the stairs.

The first thought into his head was that she didn't look well. His second was that she looked like she could use another couple hours of sleep. The third was that he should not say things like that out loud, while he rubbed his aching cheek from where Donna had smacked him.

Martha hadn't seemed to notice. She glared at him for a bit, before sighing loudly and going over to a nearby seat and flopping herself in it like as if she had no energy at all.

"Martha? Everything alright?"

She sighed loudly, before nodding. "Yeah. Just a bit of a cold, that's all. One of the drawbacks of working with sick people is sometimes getting sick."

He grinned and nodded. "Well, that's good. Or...not good for you, obviously, but that it's nothing serious, it's good."

She smiled weakly at him and nodded, before closing her eyes and laying her head on the back of the chair. "I don't mean to be off, Doctor, but the TARDIS makes a hell of a racket when you've got a headache that is easily made worse by loud noises."

He turned his eyes to Tom and raised his eyebrows. "Ah, is that why you had the bat? Or was that because you weren't sure it was the TARDIS? Mind you, nothing else quite makes the noise the old girl does." He walked over to the TARDIS and gave her a pat. She thrummed with happiness at the small move and he grinned.

"So! Are you going to work, or having a sick day? Do you mind if I stay here until 11?" he asked, looking towards Martha.

She grinned at him. "I'm staying home today I think. My head is pounding now, but it will be good to have some company instead of being stuck here alone."

He nodded. "I could get something for the headache if you want me to? Good stuff. Shouldn't make you drowsy either."

"No thanks. I'll be alright, it'll pass with some quiet."

He nodded and went to sit down on the couch next to Donna who had parked herself there when he had been talking to Martha. Now that he was definitely set up to stay for the morning, he had no idea what to say. Or do. Or think.

He was uncomfortable in there, being close to friends and not knowing what to do. Usually he'd talk about things, but he didn't want to hurt Martha's head any more than he already had. He didn't want to annoy Donna, as she was already annoyed with him. Now he was a bit bored.

Sighing loudly, he was about to suggest they do something when he noticed that both Martha and Donna had fallen asleep on him. He looked up at where Tom was still standing and rolled his eyes. Tom grinned at him.

"She's sick. Martha usually doesn't fall asleep this quickly. What about Donna?" Tom asked, his voice low as to not wake up the women.

The Doctor covered his mouth when he begun to chuckle as quietly as he possibly could, before answering. "She spent the night in a jail cell. For shopping too much."

Tom let out a bark of laughter at that, before covering his own mouth to quiet himself down a bit. "Really? There's an actual law forbidding shopping on some other planet?"

"No, there's a limit to how much you can buy a day, and she went way over it."

Tom snickered into his hand for a bit, before shaking his head. "My mother would hate that place. She loves shopping. At least Martha is practical in that respect. She doesn't over shop."

Grinning, the Doctor leaned back and closed his eyes. "Donna sounds like your mum. Donna can't pass up a shopping trip, especially if shopping for clothes. She loves clothes."

He rubbed at his eyes, the hour catching up with him, and while he had been laughing since Donna had gotten arrested, he hadn't slept without her in their room in the hostel and he was beginning to nod off sitting down. He frowned. "I'm a bit tired myself. Mind if we borrow the spare room?"

Tom shook his head. "No. I'll wake Martha up and get her back to bed. I'll let you deal with Donna."

Nodding, the Doctor stood back up, stretched, and poked Donna's shoulder until she frowned and whacked his hand. "Watch it Spaceman, I'm not too happy with you right now. And I'm tired. You might be able to stay up all night, but I can't."

He chuckled slightly and poked her again just to make sure she was really awake, and tried to pull her up and onto her feet. "Come on, Martha and Tom have a spare room with two beds. I think we'd both prefer to sleep in a comfy bed rather than get a crick in the neck by sleeping on the couch."

She grumbled, but got up, and he took her off to the spare room, Martha and Tom behind them. Well, he at least knew Tom wouldn't be going back to bed, he was due at work soon probably and there wasn't much point. The joys of being a doctor.

He shook with silent laughter at the thought, shook his head when Donna looked blearily at him and pointed her to one of the beds. "Sleep. You'll feel better. Well, you will if you don't catch Martha's cold."

Donna slumped onto the bed nearest to the door and was asleep before he had gotten to the other one. He pulled her shoes off and tugged the sheets out from under her to cover her with them, before getting into the other bed.

It was comfortable and he had fallen asleep a lot quicker than he had expected.

He had troubles sleeping. He didn't have any nightmares, though he kept on waking up with an urgent feeling like he had forgotten something important. It kept him up and by the time Donna woke up again and Martha was in the kitchen, refusing not to have lunch since she had missed out on breakfast he realised that he may have missed his session.

It was 1 in the afternoon judging by his senses and he hadn't noticed. He sat up in a hurry, scrambled out of the bed, down the stairs into the kitchen and made a wild grab for the phone, only to blink at it in surprise.

He had forgotten the number to call Jeremy to apologise for sleeping through his appointed time. Not only had he forgotten the number, but the phone said that it was only 10 in the morning. He frowned, stretched out his time sense, saw that the time on the clock was right and went to sit down at the table.

Martha was having a late breakfast, and only a piece of toast at that. It wasn't yet lunch. So, either his senses were off, or he'd still been asleep.

"Umm, Martha? Was I talking in my sleep or anything? I think I just...I had some really weird dream just then. I think."

She looked at him with runny eyes and a runny nose and shrugged. "I don't know. Did you ask Donna, or is she still asleep?"

He blinked, went back up the stairs, poked his head in the room and saw that Donna was curled up in a ball on the bed still fast asleep. He slumped his shoulders in relief and took a deep breath. "Alright, I'm freaking out over a dream. And I am never saying that I am freaking out ever again by the way, it really doesn't sound right. I thought I'd lost 3 hours."

Martha, who had followed him up to check he was okay, nodded, and frowned. "Oh god, I have dreams like that sometimes. Like I'll go in to work, only to find it is my day off and everyone tells me to go home, or that I stay home only to find it's not a day off. Or you get trapped in your home and can't leave at all, and the time just feels like as if it is normal time and you can't tell whether you are asleep or awake. And you can't do anything, but lie there, or wander aimlessly in circles looking for a way out. And I'll be quiet now, you look like you're going to faint."

"I hate having dreams like that. They always seem more like nightmares to me. And most of my childhood and young adult life in my first incarnation was spent in an environment much like that. Trapped, it's a very good word for it. Trapped..."

"Doctor, are you alright?" Martha asked, looking at him rather worriedly.

He blinked and nodded, knowing that he'd get no more sleep, but suddenly very tired. "Yeah. I guess I'm just kind of...I haven't had a dream like that in a long time. I guess it just scared me, that's all. I don't like losing time."

She nodded, rubbed at her head and sighed. "Well, I'm going to go lie down for a bit. You can come in and talk to me if you want. Less likelihood of waking up Donna then."

He nodded and followed Martha into her room, flopping himself down on Tom's side and sighing loudly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed. My head is all mucked up and now I'm having dreams that don't feel like dreams and thinking in the wrong time. It's worrying me. It got back on track though when I grabbed the phone. I was going to call Jeremy and apologise for being late. And it'd be a bit too early."

Martha turned to look at him and smiled. "Well, maybe you were still asleep until then. It's possible you were sleepwalking."

He grinned at that. "The last time I sleepwalked, I was nine, and I went and curled up near my roommate, thinking he was my dad. That was embarrassing."

Martha laughed at that and shook her head. "I did similar things when I was a kid. Except, I'd end up sleeping on the floor in the room, or in a hallway. Still, I find when I'm a bit stressed I tend to sleep a bit worse, sometimes even going so far as to wake up on the couch downstairs with no recollection of getting down there, with my computer turned on, and no work done at all."

"Work related?"

"Yeah. Sometimes when there's a big UNIT case, I end up doing things more in a way like with the Sontarans, you know, lots of people to check out, and looking for aliens at the same time. Because of experience in the field, I tend to be called on the big missions."

He winced at that, and Martha noticed and began shaking her head. "Oh no you don't. Don't go blaming yourself for anything when it comes to me and my job. I enjoy it, Doctor. I'm still a medical doctor, I work in the hospital with Tom sometimes when I'm not needed at UNIT headquarters and I am treated nice and am respected in both places. My life is _good_. I don't want it changed."

He nodded. "Yeah, it's good to hear you say that. I always wonder you know. Always. Whether or not my companions after they leave me find themselves a good life. It's good to know that some do. I know that I have left quite a few people in places like the middle of a war zone, or just after a war has ended. Some have no choice, some decide to leave then and there for reasons that are good for them at the time. Others just...get sick of it. Three have died while travelling with me."

Martha patted his hand, before rubbing at her head. "Alright, I'll take that headache medicine now, if you're still willing to give it to me. This is not fading."

He grinned, bounced off the bed, raced down the stairs, went to the TARDIS, rummaged around in the med bay for a bit, until he found a cold medicine suitable for humans, before rushing back out. He found Martha in much the same way he had left her, but she looked his way, saw what he was holding and smiled. "Oh! I thought you meant a tablet."

"Tablets? In my TARDIS? Well, alright, there are, but nothing that would be strong enough for what seems to be a migraine. It's suitable for humans. I checked, don't worry."

She nodded again, and turned her head slightly to the side, so he could inject it into her neck. He wondered why for a bit, before realising that it is probably the only place she had seen one of these being taken. It's where he takes it in himself too. He grinned. "There! All done. Didn't hurt, did it? Now, want me to get you some water? I've been talking your ear off for a bit now, and ignoring that you were in pain. It's the least I could do."

Martha actually laughed at that one, but nodded. "Sure, water sounds good, Doctor. But I'd expect you to talk my ear off anyway. It's just you."

He stuck his tongue out at her, immature though it was, glad to be back in a better mood and more awake, and rushed off to the bathroom. He didn't make it all the way there, before the TARDIS started ringing in his head, and he dropped the glass he had picked up from Martha's bedside table. "Ow! Was that...OW!"

The ringing quieted down a bit, and it took him a few seconds of hearing the echoes, before he remembered that Jeremy called him before he went. Rolling his eyes, determined to stop that, he changed direction and went downstairs and for the TARDIS instead.

"Hello?" he asked anyway, as he picked up the phone, though only one person had the number.

"Doctor, good to hear you answering the phone this week."

He grinned. "Donna's asleep, and will probably stay that way for a few more hours yet. I'm at Martha's so I wouldn't forget. Not that that would really be a problem, the TARDIS almost deafened me with her interpretation of a phone blaring in my head."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it just left my ears ringing for a few seconds. No harm done, though I will be asking her to turn down the volume from now on."

A chuckle was heard from the other end and the Doctor grinned. At least this conversation was going much better than the last time they had spoken over the phone. It hit him like a tonne of bricks that Jeremy might want to talk about that this week and he froze. "Umm, can we not talk about the phone call earlier this week today? I'm really not ready to deal with that topic just yet."

"If you're sure about that..."

"I am. Very much so. I can talk about Midnight now, though. All the way through, without any nasty side effects happening. That's good, right?"

"Yes, that's good. Your mind is working through it. That's always a good sign. Some people get stuck that way."

The Doctor grimaced and shook his head. "I never want to feel like that ever again..."

There was silence for a few seconds too long for the Doctor's liking after he said that.

"Doctor, I'd really like it if you talked to me a bit about this war. You can do it now over the phone, if you can't in person."

A sinking feeling started in his stomach and he shook his head even though it wouldn't be seen. "No. Not right now. I can't..."

"Why can't you?"

He paused at that one. Why? No one had yet asked him that. Oh, sure, they had in a way, but he had been able to use the generic 'It hurts' answer. And that was true. Because it did. But he knew enough right then to know that it wasn't a good enough answer to not talk about it to Jeremy. Plus, the man would know...

"I don't know... I can barely think on it. And when I do it always hurts. And then there's only roughly three days' worth of memories from many years of war I actually remember. It's a bit hard to talk about something that's locked in my mind."

He heard rustling paper over the phone and wondered if Jeremy was looking for something, or writing down his responses. It was odd, he still didn't really think of Jeremy as one to write down everything he said, because he usually didn't write things down in an actual session. He must remember, because he always had it written down and in front of him by the next week.

"From your UNIT notes and what I have learnt about you in the past few weeks, you don't seem to be the kind of person to shut things out like that. What happened on Midnight was a traumatic experience to you, more so than most of the other things you've gone through, since I doubt you normally get this reaction from a trauma, and your life is...well, not exactly smooth sailing for the most part."

Rolling his eyes impatiently, the Doctor was beginning to lose his cool a bit. "So? What about it? You're not going to stop me from it are you?"

"Oh, no. No not at all. What you do is important to you. It's good to have something like that in your life. No, what I meant is that you live a life full of stress and trauma and yet most of it slides off your back. If Midnight made it through the cracks of your rather astounding resilience, then why hadn't the war?"

The Doctor blinked at that. He'd never really thought of it like that. He remembered right after, lying on the floor of his TARDIS and staring at the ceiling, not being able to move, freezing in a way he never had been before. "I...I did feel bad at first, but I regenerated after three days from the shock. I wasn't even scratched at the end, and I died anyway. I guess I just couldn't deal with it. My mind kept what it seemed to be the relevant things to me and threw away the rest..."

"Threw away? The mind doesn't work like that, Doctor. You still hold the memories, they're more likely locked away as you first said, not thrown away."

The Doctor gulped and he was sure the sound was loud enough to hear on the other end of the line. "I sometimes want them back. I have so many years missing out of my memory. I can't stand to lose time. Losing time is bad. Yet I'm scared that I might die again just from remembering it all. Ending the War was enough to kill me...remembering it all...I don't want to die like that again. I don't. It was cold, and lonely, and there was _no one there_. I can't do it again! I won't!_ I don't want to talk about this anymore!"_

He was getting more than a bit distressed. His voice rang shrill and high, his hands were shaking along with the rest of him, and his breathing was coming out in heavy gasps. His hearts felt like they were trying to pound right out of his chest.

"Doctor? Take some deep breaths, you're hyperventilating."

"I'm having a panic attack!"

To his relief, silence was his answer to that, and he was able to get control of his breathing and bring himself back under control in a few rather long minutes. He sat on the seat for a few extra minutes just breathing deeply, and hoping not to go through that ever again.

"Doctor?"

He cleared his throat, which felt a bit rough since it had closed up on him for a while there, and sighed. "Yeah. I'm alright now. That was quicker than the other times too. Still feels like I'm going to die of a double coronary every time I go through it though."

"That's quite normal for a panic attack."

"Oh. Good. I think..."

"Do you want to cut the session in half? It is almost 11 now. I don't think you'd be very talkative for an hour and a half."

He huffed at that, seeing as he wasn't in the mood to laugh again. "Usually I'm very talkative. Just...not about myself. This is very hard for me to do."

"I'm sorry if things get a bit distressing for you. Well, come on over and we'll see how things go."

He rolled his eyes at that one, hung up and stood at the controls for a few mindless seconds, before shaking his head. He'd check on Donna and Martha first.

Donna as it turned out, and to his right estimation, was still soundly asleep, and didn't stir when he called out her name. Martha was reading, and her glass, now half full, was back at her bedside table. She smiled at him when he entered. "That medicine is great, Doctor. It cleared my nose up a bit too."

He nodded, still a bit distracted, before he cleared his throat. "Umm, Jeremy called. He said that my session might only go for half an hour today, as I talked for a bit over the phone..."

She nodded and grinned at him. "Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"

"I don't know. He said we'd see when I got there...might go for the whole hour yet."

Nodding again, Martha's grin slowly slipped into a frown. "Doctor? You alright? You're kind of pale."

"I don't want to go alone. He said no more of talking about what we did over the phone, but if it does start up again, I don't want to be there on my own..."

The frown became more pronounced on her face and she got up and walked over to him. "Doctor? You're shaking."

"I had a panic attack."

It took him a few minutes, as Martha brought him into a hug for him to stop the shaking he hadn't even realised he was still going through. After he had calmed down though, she did comment that he had a bit more colour to him, which was probably a good thing.

She quickly got dressed into some more fitting clothes than her pyjamas and joined him in the TARDIS, a quick note for Donna left on the bedside table to tell her where they were if she woke up and they were still out.

In a few minutes time he found himself sitting on the couch in Jeremy's office, too distracted to really pay much attention to staying still. After a few seconds, he jumped back to his feet and drifted over to one of the bookshelves to read the titles of the books. Most were on psychology, psychiatry, different types of therapies, and some on topics like Depression, PTSD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, grief and rape.

They were all human books, naturally. It was very unlikely he'd get any alien texts that were on the subject.

"Doctor, anything of interest over there?" Jeremy asked, and sighing loudly, he walked back over to the couch and slumped into it.

"Not really. Not my subject of choice."

Nodding, he looked between him and Martha for a few seconds, before his eyes stopped on him. "You said you were able to speak fully on what happened to you on Midnight..."

He hadn't realised he had been so tense, until he relaxed at hearing that topic being brought up, and found that he had been ready to jump out of his skin. He was able to settle down and get comfortable a bit. He nodded. "Yeah. It took hours by the way, there was...quite a bit to tell. No panic, no flashbacks, no stopping. It felt...good. To talk about it like that. A relief."

"Who did you tell? Was it Donna?"

He shook his head. "No. I had run out of the house, upset over something Sylvia had said. This was the day before the phone call by the way. Yeah, she really has the power to upset me. Donna stayed in the house with her mother to tell her about...well, things that might make her act a bit better towards me. Didn't work for too long, obviously."

"Who did you tell?"

"Wilf, her grandfather. Wilfred Mott. Good man, Wilf. He just listened and didn't stop me or anything. I guess that's something I needed but didn't realise I did. Not too many people can put up with my rambling for too long. Not that I rambled it out. Well, not completely. I don't think it came out very well if everything was to be in order, but he didn't mind. He asked a few questions afterwards about the things he didn't get, but that was alright."

Jeremy nodded at him, and looked to Martha. "And may I ask why Martha is here, instead of Donna this week?"

"Donna's asleep. I didn't...well, after the whole phone thing before I got here, I just..."

"He didn't want to come alone and he didn't want to wake Donna up from her sleep," Martha finished for him, which made him slightly blush. He shrugged and nodded.

"Ah, well, then I will ask you to give a few things to Donna, alright?"

He frowned, a bit confused, but nodded. "Yeah, sure. What about?"

With that said, Jeremy reached out to some pamphlets that were lying on the table. "I didn't know if you'd show up to be honest, so it is nice to see that you arrived. I got some pamphlets out just in case. Some are for you, and others are for your friends. Especially Donna, since she's the one that is travelling with you at this time."

He went to reach out to take them all, but stopped. Was he supposed to read them all? Were some only for Donna's eyes and would Martha have to give them to her instead? What were they about for that matter? He spotted the ones on the top of the now two separate piles and blushed.

Written in big black and red block letters were the words anger management.

"You've been saying you have been having trouble keeping your anger in check. I'll give you a proper talk about that next week since I think this will be a half session." He picked up and handed him the first pamphlet. "It goes through dos and don'ts and has a basic guide to using the Time Out system."

Jeremy picked up the pile he now knew to be his, and passed him the second. "This one has a more in depth guide to the whole Time Out system. Just so you know, and I will tell you this now, it won't be easy or work all the time, which is why there's pamphlets for friends too. If you lose control and end up yelling at someone anyway, don't give up on it. If it gets so you are using it every time you see someone, then you best call me so we can figure something out to stop that."

Nodding, the Doctor grabbed that one, while Martha took the ones that would be given to Donna.

"Now, this is where you will want to walk out of the room. Don't dismiss this right out of hand though, Doctor. I don't expect you to read this one, but I think a part of your problem is about this."

Jeremy handed him the third pamphlet, and as he took a look at the title, he glared at the man. "What?"

"Yes, exactly. Denial."

"I'm not in denial over anything."

Jeremy shook his head. "I don't think too many people have told you this before, Doctor. But I am pretty positive in this case, that you're wrong and just can't see it. That is what denial is. Most denial is healthy for a time, and natural. That does tend to wear off after a bit of time and when the problem is ready to be dealt with. Sometimes, the body says a person is ready to deal with something, but the mind says no. By mind, I mean this as a semi-conscious decision, and one that is not natural or healthy. Self denial isn't like normal denial. For it _is_ self induced. Normal denial is a process of ignorance one goes into to give the mind a bit of time to get used to something so the person is ready to deal with the something."

The Doctor ground his teeth together, and while it was hurting a little, he didn't want to do something stupid that he'd regret later. "I know what denial is..."

"Self denial, Doctor, is a process in which the person believes they are not ready to deal with something, even though their body is telling them that it is time to deal with the problem. It is actually quite a hard thing to do. It's not unheard of though, even in humans."

"I'm not in denial! How many times do I have to _say it_?!"

Martha was staring at him now, he could feel it, and he could see Jeremy looking at him. A second ago, he had been ready to jump up and punch Jeremy for even assuming what he was, but that was swept away by Martha looking at him too. Instead a wave of what he could only know as paranoia swept over him. He narrowed his eyes.

"What is this? Trying to drive what little friends I have away? Or are you trying to drive me away? That's it, isn't it? You've gotten fed up with putting up with me and this is your way of telling me, right? Oh, I get it. You're just like the rest of the universe. Too blind to see anything, but think you know everything about me. Tell me then, what do you know of me?"

"Doctor?" Martha asked, and he could hear the uncertainty in her voice.

He snapped. "You bastard! You set me up! This is what this is all about isn't it? Have you got a camera in here too? Wouldn't put it past you. You probably get off on this type of stuff, don't you?"

Without even thinking about what he was doing, he got up, strode angrily to the door, opened it and went to the TARDIS. He was a bit angrier than he originally thought, and while he did have enough thought in his head to punch in Martha's house and left the date, the TARDIS got the flight a bit wrong. Instead he found himself on the middle of a street, with no idea how near to where Martha lived he was.

Well, at least he was still on the right day and this was definitely London...

He set off in a huff, off to find something to occupy himself with until he was a bit calmer.

* * * * * * * * * *

"He left without me!" Martha stated rather surprised.

"He's a bit angry and not thinking right at the moment."

She looked at Jeremy and nodded. "Still, what if he had just stranded me on an alien planet or something?"

"Then I'm sure he'd go back for you as soon as he calmed down enough to think clearly."

Nodding again, Martha got up off the couch, and went over to the same books the Doctor had been looking over earlier. "Were you expecting him to do that? Run out, I mean?"

"I knew he'd run as soon as the topic was brought up. This way he will be able to think about it, and if he ever decides to do something about it he can call me, if it doesn't crumble about him first that is, and that is what is worrying me. Tell him that I will call later on, I need to ask him one more thing. Tell him also that it's about nothing we talked about today. It's something that may help him with Midnight a bit more."

Martha nodded, before sighing loudly. "Well, I've got to call mum and get a ride home, now. See you on Wednesday."

Jeremy nodded at her, and she waved bye to him, as she walked out of the room, her phone in hand as soon as she was out to call her mum. The good thing was, she was pretty sure that her mum would understand the delay in her work and would take an early lunch to come get her. The Doctor might not have the same problems as her, but he was still suffering. Martha knew that her mum blamed herself for some of his problems.

Those two were about as good as each other sometimes.

While waiting for her mum, she went back in to get the pamphlets that she had dropped and the ones for the Doctor. She didn't bother with that last one. She didn't think that one was serious. Well, the topic was, but the pamphlet itself didn't seem right somehow. Quickly opening it up, she saw she was correct. It had probably been the only way Jeremy could think of in which to break it to the Doctor though. God knows, he was difficult enough ordinarily.

She remembered vividly that day when she had gotten stuck on the motorway on New Earth. How before they had arrived he had pretended quite happily that he didn't want to go home, because it would be boring for him. And then him talking of his world's destruction before they had left again.

She definitely remembered how he seemed when he was talking of Gallifrey. It was like he held it dear and close to his hearts, yet at the same time, he had never said anything about a single individual person. Even then, he had been trying to distance himself from the pain.

Suddenly very worried about what he was doing, she called her own flat, hoping that he was back there by now. The phone rang through, so she knew that Donna was still asleep. Next, she called her old mobile and was surprised to hear it being answered. "Martha? What do you want?" the cranky voice of the Doctor asked.

"Just to make sure you're alright. You ran off pretty quick. God, it's a bit noisy down your end. Where are you?"

"Bar. Doing what normal people do when everything is closing in around them. Getting pissed."

"Anger isn't going to..."

"No, not that type of pissed. Drunk. I'm drinking alcohol. Fast. I haven't drunk alcohol much in this incarnation. It's going to my head. Which is good. Will it make me forget, you think?"

Before she could say anymore, her mum walked in. She held up a finger to her mum, and sighed into the phone. "Well, we'll be there to pick you up soon. Do you know where the TARDIS is?"

"On a street...somewhere. She's not happy with me at the moment."

Now that she knew what he was doing, she heard a definite slur in his voice.

"Have you been drinking shots or something? You should not be drunk this fast."

"Not used to alcohol this time round, told you that. Fine, come get me if you want. But don't try to stop me from doing what I want. Or I'll...I'll be very angry."

Sighing again, she agreed and hung up. Turning to her mum, she rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, mum. The Doctor's gone on a pub crawl by the sounds of it. He doesn't know where he is, but I'm pretty sure it's in London somewhere."

Her mum glared. "Well, I'll be late back to work then, or not back in at all. I better not get into trouble because of him."

Between the two of them, little more needed to be said. Both of them were both angry and yet rather worried about the alien in their lives having run off to do something so against his character. They set off to find him, both hoping it wouldn't take that long.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine

It was almost 2 in the afternoon when they found the TARDIS. Martha and her mum had started in the areas close to her place and branched out, and if it wasn't for them stopping on some street they normally wouldn't have gone down to get her something for the headache that was coming back, they never would have spotted it in the first place. After finding the TARDIS it was easy to find the Doctor, they just found the nearest bar.

While to her it was way too early to think of alcohol, the bar was open for those who...well, who liked to drink during the middle of the day. While it may have been good for business, it was definitely not so good for the people who spent all day drinking in there.

She was pretty sure they'd have a bigger crowd at night.

The bar was one of the seedy places that only locals or people of questionable intent use. It didn't stop her or her mother from barging in, and finding the Doctor right away. He was on the seat at the bar closest to the exit, grinning and laughing loudly at something the equally drunk woman next to him had just said.

She didn't want to go in any further than she was, but knew she'd have to go get the Doctor, but it was her mum, surprisingly enough that stepped forwards first. She looked almost like she was on a mission of great importance.

Martha watched as Francine Jones, her mother, walked up to the Doctor, spun him around on the seat he was in and slapped him hard across the face.

"How dare you leave my daughter for this, Doctor!" she screeched at him, scowling all the while, and while the Doctor did manage to stop laughing, the goofy grin across his face stayed put.

"Francine Jones! What are you doing here?" he asked, his tone making it clear he was in a good mood, if slurred with alcohol.

"What do you think I'm doing here?! I'm finding your worthless arse and dragging it back home, that's what!"

He giggled at that, and Martha rolled her eyes, stepping over to them, before her mum killed him out of frustration. "Doctor, let's just go."

He shook his head a bit too fast, and got dizzy, almost falling off his chair. He laughed wildly at that, and didn't look to stop anytime soon. Great, he was a happy, crazy drunk. Thankfully, the spinning hadn't left him being sick all over them.

The woman next to him frowned at her, but got up and staggered away to another man nearby.

Oh god, the Doctor had been chatted up by a total stranger, and he had liked it. She hoped he was one of those guys who couldn't get it up if he was drunk. The last thing she wanted to put up with was being put in the backseat of the car with a drunk and horny Time Lord.

His smile slipped when he saw her, and he pointed and said in a loud voice for the whole bar to hear. "Look! This is the girl I was talking about! She doesn't like me anymore. She was turned against me."

This time it was her who slapped him. Not that it helped. He was too drunk for it to have much effect on him. He rubbed his cheek and grinned triumphantly at her. "See! I knew it. What are you doing here Martha? Come to feed me lies? Come to sell me out? To hurt me?"

She sighed loudly. "No! You left me and I got worried. I was even more so when I heard what you were doing. Doctor, what made you come to a bar and drink? You don't drink alcohol, you said so yourself."

He jutted his chin out in the most pompous way he possibly could and sniffed. "What do you know of me, Martha Jones? Nothing. Go away."

Her mum grabbed him by the arm, heaved him to his feet, and begun dragging him towards the door, before she could even think of replying. He could barely stand up, and it was clear that he was only being dragged because he needed the support to stay standing up to begin with.

He complained loudly though the entire way out.

No one in the bar even looked sideways at them. Martha wondered how much of a common occurrence someone being dragged out must be in a place like this. She quickly hurried after them before one of the guys who was looking at her could make his way to her. That was the last thing she needed.

She wanted more of this drug the Doctor had given her earlier, because the human stuff was not doing a thing. Her head was pounding...

Well, at least they had found him, and gotten him safely to the TARDIS.

Now he was leaning against her side, complaining that he needed to pee, while her mum fished in his pockets for the key. Once found she quickly opened the door and went in. Thankfully, it wasn't her mum's first time in the TARDIS, or she would be afraid of the freak out that may have happened.

The Doctor clung to her side, bouncing on the spot. "No, really, I need to pee."

"Yeah, hang on. You're not going anywhere if all you're going to do is cling to me. Will you at least attempt to walk, Doctor? You know where the toilets are right now. Ask the TARDIS."

"She doesn't like me anymore either. She's not telling me..."

"Well then I'm going to drop you and you can just go in your pants then."

"No! Not that again, please? I'm sorry. I won't drink again, alright? Just...help me to a loo."

Sighing, she dragged him to the nearest door, found it was his bedroom, helped him into the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet. "There."

She left him to it. He didn't call out her name for a while and when she went to check on him, found him with his trousers and pants around his ankles, fast asleep, still sitting awkwardly on the toilet. She giggled. Trust him to get so drunk, he passed out.

He was also currently snoring.

She got her mum to help her get the rest of his clothes off (no need to keep his privacy from her really, she'd already seen him naked, and she had needed the help to move him) and got him to his bed. He didn't so much as stir the entire way and was heavier than he looked for such a skinny bloke.

Soon enough he was tucked up wearing clean pyjamas and snoring away contentedly in bed. Oddly, he managed to keep that goofy grin of his on his face...

As soon as they were done with that, her mobile rang, and she rubbed at her head while giving the phone to her mum. "It's probably going to be Donna, mum. I'm going to go look in the med bay for something for a migraine. The Doctor's last batch has run out, or I have been too stressed and got another one on top of the last."

Her mum nodded once, and answered the phone, while she went off to get rid of her headache. Thankfully, the TARDIS led her right to the med bay without any troubles.

She was dreading the Doctor waking up.

She was dreading more the upcoming conversation she'd need to have with him.

* * * * * * * * * *

Donna had woken up pretty much a lot happier than she had been when she went to sleep, at midday.

Spotting the note, and infinitely glad that the Doctor had kept his session with Jeremy and had Martha to keep him company, she had gone down to make herself a sandwich for lunch, before she waited for them two to get back.

When it reached half past 12, she began worrying. When it reached 1 in the afternoon, she was really worried. By the time 2pm rolled around, she knew she'd have to call Martha to see if everything was alright.

It took her a half hour to grab up enough courage to make the call, and when it was another woman's voice that answered the phone, using her name too, her mind automatically went to a bad place.

"Oh, god! They're dead aren't they? What happened? Aliens? A bomb? I don't know, an accident tripping over a brick?!"

"Donna? This is Francine, Martha's mother. They're fine. The Doctor ran out of his session and decided to go to a bar. He left Martha behind and went in the TARDIS. It's taken us a while to find him. But he's fine, and so is Martha."

"He left her?! Why'd he do that?"

Francine let out a loud sigh that showed just how frustrated the other woman was with the situation. "The Doctor got paranoid from what I've been told. He was angry too."

Donna closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "God, he's going to have one hell of a hangover if he's been at it for hours. I haven't seen him drink much with alcohol content. He had a drink or two at a party once but that was it. One was poisoned. Haven't seen him have a drink since."

"Well he just drank enough alcohol to pass out..."

Rolling her eyes, Donna laughed. "I'm going to miss it. Damn. Well, when he's fit enough to drive that contraption of his, tell him to get back here, alright?"

"Yes. He's still got to bring Martha home, after all. Well, I'll tell Martha you called. Nice to talk to you, Donna."

"Yeah, nice talking to you too, Francine. See you later then."

She hung up and settled into the lounge room with the telly. Might as well do something while waiting for the silly man to sleep it off.

She found that most shows on were comedy. Good thing her worry had turned to amusement then.

* * * * * * * * * *

The first thing after waking up he noticed was the pounding in his head, the second thing that the TARDIS lights were on way too bright. The third was that he was going to be sick all over himself if he didn't move.

He managed to move to the side of the bed, before he vomited, but only had managed to get his head there beforehand. Now not only was his head pounding, the lights still felt too bright, but he now had the horrid taste of regurgitated stomach acids and alcohol in his mouth.

"Oh god, I'm dying..." he mumbled to himself, before rolling over, closing his eyes when it made the room spin, and decided that staying in bed, moaning at the ceiling was the best thing to do right then.

That was, until someone knocked on the door and stepped in.

"Doctor, you awake?" Martha asked, coming over to the side of his bed and patting him on the shoulder.

"Yes...not happy with that, and it might not be a good idea to walk to the other side of the bed..."

"Sick?"

"Yeah. Yuck."

Martha lightly hit his shoulder this time and he opened his eyes to look at her, and it was then that he remembered he had left her. "Oh god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I just...I don't know what came over me. I really don't. I was angry and, I don't know, I just needed to get...out. I didn't mean to leave you stranded. And I am not drinking alcohol ever again, either...I feel rubbish..."

"Mum picked me up. She's running around somewhere in the TARDIS. Donna called to see where we were."

"Donna called? Why, she knew where we were..."

"She called at 2:30, Doctor, when we were over 2 hours late. You were a bit busy at the time, drinking yourself into oblivion. And that is not healthy, might I remind you, and not only because of the hangover. Stop trying to run from your problems."

He was becoming angry again. He wasn't feeling the best and here Martha was proving that what had driven him out of Jeremy's office to begin with was true. She had turned against him. "Why are you here still? Why didn't you just go home? Are you just trying to make me feel worse?"

She looked at him with that look in her eye which said that he was crazy and talking nonsense. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Doctor. And I never went home, because it would be unfair to just leave you in a bar somewhere, boxing in your liver, or something."

He looked away from her, hoping she took the hint and left him to his misery, but instead she begun to do Donna's trick and begun rubbing his back. Then she began talking to him.

"One of the first things you did with me, Doctor, was pretend that your planet and people were still there and that you were happy. None of those things were true. And it took me putting my foot down and refusing to leave until you told me the truth that you admitted what happened. And you talked, yeah. About what your planet looked like. Nothing about your people, or the War. And you are far from happy. Manic sometimes, especially when excited, but not happy."

If this was her trying not to make him upset, then she was failing. He was feeling worse now. "Shut up!"

She ignored his rather simple request and kept on at it. "I watched Japan burn. The entire country was on fire, and everyone was screaming and dying. I was lucky enough to have been on a boat out by then. But I was close enough to see it, Doctor. I saw those people burning to death and was unable to do anything to stop it. And all those people burnt and died just because the Master figured out that I was there at that time. They were killed for nothing, the entire country. My mum and Dad and sometimes Tish go on about how the Master made them watch Japan burn, but they weren't _there_. One thing I wasn't after that was fine. So many bad things happened to me during that year, Doctor. So many bad things, and the one thing I told myself I wouldn't do was cry. Japan was the only thing that made me break that. And the stupid thing, the really stupid thing was, all I could think of was you, and how you've been through _worse_. And right then, it didn't matter, because that wasn't happening to you, it was happening to me, and I hadn't seen anything like that before."

The _stupid_ thing was now he was beginning to cry. "I'm sorry."

Her arms were still on his back, and she stopped talking now and just stayed with him. He shouldn't have done it. Sending her out there in that Year was just plain wrong. And now she was suffering for his mistakes, and Francine and Clive were too, and poor Tish who had been humiliated over and over...

It was his fault. All he could do was cause pain to people. Ever since the damn War, all he had ever been able to accomplish was to destroy things. And now he was really crying. Even worse, Francine was at the door. Thankfully, when she noticed he was upset, she left.

It took longer than normal for him to calm down. Also, his head hurt more. Other than that, he didn't feel like being sick again, and he felt too tired to bother with moving. He stayed curled up on his bed for a few minutes after he had settled down.

He groaned when he found his head wasn't getting any better. "I'm never drinking again. I'm never crying when hung over again either... My head hurts more than it already did..."

Martha chuckled and patted his shoulder. "Well, glad you learnt something from this then."

He huffed. "You're the one that's supposed to have the headache..."

"Gee, thanks! You in a better mood, then? Because as much as I know you really don't want to hear this, Jeremy told me to tell you that he would be ringing later, to tell you something. Not about what was talked about today. He said it might help you further on the whole Midnight thing. He didn't tell me what though, so you'll just have to find out the hard way. By answering the phone."

He grimaced. "Right now, a ringing phone will probably bring back the nausea and I'll be sick all over the console...the TARDIS wouldn't be happy with me for that."

Martha got up off his bed and started towards the door, and the Doctor felt a slice of panic run through him. Right now, he really didn't want to be left alone. "Martha? Where are you going?"

"To get you something for your headache. And some tea might help calm your stomach further if you're interested."

He frowned slightly while he thought of that one. He didn't think he'd be able to stand food, but some tea did sound nice... "Yeah, sure. Thanks. And I'm sorry. For leaving you like that."

"I'm going to forgive you this one time for leaving me. Just...next time you're going to do a runner, don't just suddenly leave, tell me or whoever you're with first, alright? It was really kind of scary to know you'd do that."

He winced. "Yeah, alright. Thanks, you know, for forgiving me my stupidity. I guess I just kind of...freaked out. And didn't I say I would never use those words and mean them towards myself again? I'm feeling better now, though. Thanks for being here."

She smiled at him and nodded. "Sure. I'll go get you your tea."

He was expecting her to be gone for only a few minutes, and was kind of confused when instead of Martha coming back with some tea for him, it was Francine. "Here. Martha's gone to find something for your head."

He grimaced and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks. Sorry for getting you out of work like that. It was unfair of me. To you and Martha and Donna. Guess I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to apologise to you as well, because you're likely to slap me."

She actually grinned at him, which made him extremely uncomfortable. Why would she grin? Was she angry? Amused? Getting ready to give him the slap he was expecting?

Instead she came over to his bed, took a seat and put the tea on the bedside table, before patting his shoulder lightly. "If you think I'm going to slap you, you're wrong. I'm angry for having been dragged out of work on a wild goose chase to find you, yes. But I understand the need to run sometimes and the want to lose yourself and forget."

He sighed loudly. "Good! Because I'm beginning to wonder if anyone else knows that feeling. Martha doesn't seem to understand. Donna wouldn't, but she'd be there for me anyway. As if I didn't feel lonely enough already without feeling like my friends are turning on me. And I can't help it, Francine. I don't want to feel that way, but I do anyway."

"I felt that way. I started pushing everyone away, because I was afraid that it would just get them hurt again."

He perked his head to the side and actually looked at the woman sitting on his bed. "Them? Who did you hurt?"

"My family, Jack, you. If I hadn't given any information to Saxon because of what he told me about you, none of it would have happened."

He huffed at that one, closed his eyes and shook his head. "It would have, Francine. It would have happened anyway. You don't understand the Master very well, if you think he would have left your family alone because you wouldn't tell him anything. He's a psychopath. This version of him, a lunatic too. Not a good combination. He would have done anything to have gotten his hands on me, and he would have used Martha to do it, by using you anyway."

She looked at him with bleak eyes and nodded. "So, you're saying it's your fault instead? That I was right not to trust you in the first place?"

He blinked. He hadn't just said that had he? He had said that it would have happened anyway, he was sure of it. "Umm, let me put it this way, if you're to blame, then so am I, so is Martha, so is Jack, and so is the TARDIS. We're all to blame for it, and none of us. It was just some freak occurrence that will thankfully never happen again."

Francine nodded and patted his shoulder again. "You really believe that?"

He nodded, but frowned. "Yeah. Mind you, the one person I'm most pissed off at is Lucy..."

"Because she killed him? I still don't understand how you could have been so upset over that."

He sighed loudly and glared at her right in the eye. "I'll say this once and as clearly as I can. If Martha was a raving lunatic going around killing people in that Year, would you want her dead for it? Would you kill her to get rid of her because you knew she wouldn't stop after the word was reset? Would you have her dead, or would you rather have her put in a place that could help, a place where she would be safe. Somewhere she wouldn't be able to do any harm to anyone again, and you could visit and talk and look after her still, just you'd have to be a bit more careful about it."

Francine looked at him like he was nuts for asking in the first place, but she answered truthfully anyway. "I wouldn't kill her. I wouldn't want her dead. She's still my child and I'd love her regardless."

He nodded and grinned. "Yeah. The Master was once my best friend. He's been an enemy of mine for quite a while, but it has never truly gotten to the point where if one of us was truly going to die, the other would allow it. We always managed to stop before it got to that point, because even though we were on what felt like opposite sides, we still had a past that was good and memories to keep us together and not wanting the other dead. Sometimes something would happen to make one of us regenerate, but that just meant playing the game over again in another body. And to him it was a game. I never wanted him dead because of the same reasons. I loved him. I didn't want to see him suffer, but I knew he was anyway. It was only a matter of time before he completely went nuts...but that didn't matter to me, because I thought the same thing of myself...we were too much alike as children."

They fell into silence, which was broken when Martha came marching in, holding the hypo needle proudly. "Found it, Doctor. Little sucker was hiding in another part of the med bay than your usual shelf."

She went over to him, injected it into his neck and rubbed at the area for a bit, until the headache vanished. He sighed in relief. "Thanks. That's a lot better."

He knew that he'd put his own medicines on his shelf. A shelf he designated for Time Lord only. The TARDIS hummed at him in a calming manner and he knew then what had happened. The TARDIS had switched it around so it would take longer to find, so he could have his little talk with Francine. Silly ship knew that they were both upset and took steps to try and help. He grinned and shook his head. "I must have just chucked it in after I was better with that flu I caught. Sorry. I'll be more careful next time. Thanks for remembering what it was though, or else I'd be in trouble."

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Still, you are feeling better now?"

"Yeah. Headache gone, much less overemotional. To me, that's much better. I've been very up and down the past week. And mostly have spent at least once a day crying over something."

Martha shifted and cleared her throat. "Umm, don't take this the wrong way but...I don't think that's about Midnight."

He looked at her for a long time, the silence in the room broken only by the three of them breathing, before he sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I have thought that myself. Donna ended up calling Jeremy the other day because of something that happened..."

And if that was the cue that Jeremy was waiting for, the TARDIS began to ring in his head, this time much lighter than before. He shook his head, a slight grin on his face. "Phone's ringing. Now that's timing."

He didn't want to go and answer it, but still, he knew that it would be better to get it over and done with now, rather than face the conversation when he really wasn't ready for it. At least right now he had been expecting it.

He got up off his bed and made his way to the console room, where he could hear the phone without it having to be in his head. He quickly picked it up and waited without saying a word for confirmation that it was actually Jeremy, even though he didn't need it.

"Doctor? Are you there?"

Clearing his throat, he grimaced at the receiver before lifting it back to his ear. "Umm, yeah. I'm sorry for earlier. I reacted badly."

"Believe it or not, Doctor, but you're not the first person to leave my office like that. You don't have to apologise. Not to me, anyway."

He frowned and coughed. "Yeah. I've already apologised to Martha and Francine. I'm going to apologise to Donna when we go back to Martha's place to pick her back up. She was getting worried earlier on, seemed relieved when she learnt what happened."

There was a short silence on the other end. "What did happen when you left?"

"I kind of went to the nearest bar and got drunk. And kind of said some nasty things about Martha while there..."

There was silence again. He was beginning to hate these silences. "Why did you say mean things about Martha? And to strangers in a bar, no less?"

Sighing, he shook his head. "I was angry and not thinking straight and I just...I felt like in a way she had betrayed me, I guess. It's stupid, I know. But that's how I felt."

"Hmm, well, I'm glad you apologised and made up with her and her mother then. You need your friends, Doctor."

"Yeah..."

"Anyway, I wanted to tell you this before you left, but you were in a bit of a rush to get out, so I'll tell you now. Midnight. You were on a truck and were almost killed by the humans on board, yes?"

"Yeah. They thought I was in league with whatever was in Sky. One of the other passengers. I wasn't, by the way. I just wasn't human and the easiest scapegoat to blame for it."

"How many people survived with you?"

He frowned and did a quick little headcount. "The Professor, his assistant, a family of 3...that's it, I think...and me, of course. Four people died. Took me a while to even remember about the drive and mechanic on board, which makes me feel rotten. They were good people."

"Hmm. I think, and this might make you feel a bit anxious, that you should talk to them about how it made you feel. They probably feel badly about what they did, when everything calmed down. It might help not only you, but them as well. You mentioned a boy the first session that cried afterwards."

"Yeah, Jethro, Jethro Cane. He was a good lad. He only did what he did out of loyalty to his parents. He really didn't want to do it. But he was kind of...egged on. And told he wouldn't be a man if he didn't. That sort of thing..."

"I'm guessing he was a teenager. He must have been really conflicted by that, especially if his own mother and father were the ones telling him those things."

"Yeah..."

"I think it might benefit you all if you would go talk to them, let them know that you are alright, tell them how it made you feel, those sorts of things."

The Doctor shifted. "Umm, I suppose I could get the TARDIS to try and get to them. She could use image seeking from my mind if I let her... You think it will help me more?"

"Yes. Are you up for it?"

He thought for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and nodded to thin air. "Yeah. I'll go get Donna first, and have a bit of a rest. I have a hangover."

"Tell me how it goes afterwards, alright? I'd like to see this through."

"Sure. Alright."

"Bye, Doctor."

"Bye."

He hung up the phone, indecision racing through him for a few seconds, before he took another deep breath, ran his hands over his face and through his hair and begun setting in the coordinates for Martha's home.

He'd do it, mainly because just the idea of seeing any of those people again, with the exception of Deedee, was making him, as Jeremy had said, a bit anxious. His hearts were beating a bit faster than normal and he was feeling slightly light headed. Yet again, that could be from the alcohol leaving his system.

The TARDIS started moving, and with that, Martha and Francine were soon joining him in the console room, wondering where they were going.

"Home for you! Sorry, I've been given...homework. And I'd like to do it as soon as possible, as the idea is making me kind of edgy, and you've put up with enough of that for one day."

Martha nodded at him, though didn't have a grin on her face like he'd expected. Instead she looked kind of worried. With a quiet sigh he nodded. "Jeremy said it might help me a bit if I talked to those who were on the tour with me. I'd like to do that alone. Or, with Donna, who they actually...saw."

She nodded again and this time did smile. "Alright. As long as you don't overdo it."

"I won't. Though I will start with the easiest and work my way up to Val. I don't think things would have gotten half as bad as they did if she hadn't been egging everyone on wither her...prattling."

Martha nodded, frowned slightly, before pointing to the door. "So, home then? Or are you going to do some prattling of your own?"

He grinned at her sheepishly, before the TARDIS landed with a bit of a bump in Martha's lounge room. A quick knock on the door, made him roll his eyes and rub his head. "Donna. Why doesn't she just use her key...?"

He strode towards the door, opened it and frowned down at his companion. "Yes? May I help you?"

She whacked him on top of his head and grinned at him. "Hurt, does it?"

He rubbed where she had just hit him and scowled at her. "It does now! You hit me!"

"Yeah? Well, next time you go to a bar, invite me!"

He blinked and grinned. "Yeah. Not that I expect to do that again in this lifetime. This me is staying well away from alcohol from now on. Only bad things ever happen when I drink the stuff."

Donna laughed at that, a proper, full laugh of the type she only gave when she was truly amused about something. "Yeah, I bet. Well, we off then, Spaceman?"

"Yep! Just dropping Martha and Francine off. Oh! Francine! Your car, I forgot about that."

Walking out of the TARDIS, the older woman looked blankly at him for a few moments before sighing. "I'll get it tomorrow. Shouldn't be too much trouble if Martha drops me off."

Nodding, the Doctor hugged her before letting her go. "Yeah. Well, thanks. Bye."

"Good luck, Doctor," she replied, before walking off up the stairs.

Martha was now at the door, but unlike her mother, didn't seem to be in a rush to move. "Well, go slow. You don't have to do everything all at once you know, and it might help to have Donna with you. Good luck. Bye, Doctor."

Instead of him hugging her goodbye, she wrapped her arms around him, even going so far as to give him a kiss on the cheek. She grinned up at him. "For luck."

Nodding, he grinned back down at her and nodded. "Yeah. Well, good luck, with your mum and all. I think she's still kind of...mad at me."

"Just kind of?"

"Well, maybe a bit more than that. I should have dropped her off before taking you home. I forgot she had driven."

Martha hugged him again, and he could feel her shaking with laughter. Was everyone finding this amusing? "She'll forgive you. She always does in the end."

Nodding again, he let himself relax a bit at hearing that, because it was true. In the end, Francine did have a habit of forgiving him the stupid things he did.

It was a good thing to know.

"Well, gotta go. Places to see, people to meet, that sort of thing. I'll drop by some other time, alright?"

"Sure. Have fun."

He rolled his eyes. "I'll try. After I've...dealt with things."

Once Martha had left the TARDIS and Donna had boarded again, he closed his eyes, brought up a clear picture of Deedee Blasco in his head and took off the handbrake of the TARDIS and sent her off into flight.

"Where are we going, Doctor?" Donna asked, and, eyes still closed, he told her the truth.

"I've been told that it might help me if I talk to the people who were with me on the tour on Midnight, I don't know where any of them live, so I'm giving a picture to the TARDIS and she'll take me to a place they are approximately a month after Midnight. I've chosen Deedee first. She was one of only two people on the Crusader, who I felt was on my side. They threatened to throw her out too, if she kept on saying it wasn't in me. She was a university student, who was helping the Professor on board."

Donna was quiet for a while, only talking again when she had figured out which of the people who got off the truck with him he was talking about. "That the girl with the glasses?"

"Yep, that's her. Smart girl. I liked her. Still do really. She used her brain and what was right in front of her, and didn't fall into the mass panic of the others. Well, that's not entirely true, but she kept her head through the panic."

Donna fell silent again at that, and with his eyes still closed, honing in on Deedee to help the TARDIS, he could only assume that she had nodded or done some other head movement as an answer.

After a few minutes the TARDIS landed and the ticking sound of her cooling down echoed around the room for a moment. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, so he could ease some of the nervous energy he was feeling.

Well, this was it, time to face this issue in person.


	30. Chapter 30

There are big blocks of text in this chapter, along with a lot of dialogue. Only an epilogue to go and then onto the next part of this series.

Chapter Thirty

He didn't bother looking at the screen, just went over to the door, opened it and stepped out into an almost deserted hallway of a large building that he could only say was the university that Deedee went to. He hadn't caught its name, and if he did, he couldn't remember it. It was one of those insignificant little details that didn't even really matter. The lost moon of Poosh was what he really remembered.

Looking out the large windows on the other side of where he was standing, he noticed that it was daylight, so either he had landed on a weekend, or classes were in.

"Oh...that's not good. What am I supposed to do, go door to door?"

"Ooooh, schools. I never liked school, just so you know," Donna stated, coming out behind him and closing the door behind her. "So, reception, find that and this will be easy enough."

"Reception?"

"Yeah. You know, person you ask for information, usually somewhere at the main office. Does all sorts of jobs, really. If you want to know where someone is in a school, it's the place to check out first. Hope you've got that psychic paper hidden somewhere on you. Do your pyjamas even have pockets?"

He stared blankly at her. "What?"

"Look down, you moron."

He did, and saw that when he had passed out, he had been changed into his pyjamas. He blushed and ran back to the TARDIS. "You could have told me this beforehand? I can't go see Deedee wearing this!"

As he closed the door behind him, now thankful that the corridors had been clear, he had spotted Donna laughing at him over it. He hadn't noticed he had been changed out of his suit. Running to his room, He debated on which colour to wear, before going with the blue. Right then, it suited his mood.

By the time he exited the TARDIS again, properly dressed this time, Donna had disappeared off to hopefully find the receptionist, wherever that may be. Frowning, he looked about him for clues as to where he was, but nothing was there right in front of him.

It didn't matter. In a few seconds, before he decided to run off in the opposite direction, Donna was jogging back to him, a triumphant look on her face. "Might have found her. She is probably studying at the moment in the library. It's her free time now."

Nodding he looked to Donna as if she already knew the entire layout of the school. "So...where is the library?"

She looked down at a piece of paper in her hand and pointed in the direction he had been about to run to, and smiled. "Down there. I got a map, how's that for using my head?"

He grinned at her, a big and toothy smile that was hopefully showing how glad he was that Donna was staying calm in all this. If not for her, he'd be doing this in his jammies, and wandering aimlessly about just in the hopes of accidentally stumbling across her. "Yeah, good thinking."

She nodded and set off, this time it was him following her instead of the usual other way around. Right then, he didn't mind in the least. He was getting nervous and his stomach was beginning to churn. "Donna, I think I'm going to be sick..."

"Well, do so in a bin, we're not near any toilets."

They passed the bin that she was talking about, and he didn't get past the urge to vomit. It must be nerves. He was fine. He'd already lost most of the contents of his stomach anyway from the alcohol. He swallowed thickly and stopped, before he leaned against a wall. "Donna, I really feel sick..."

This time she stopped, looked at him, rolled her eyes and walked over to where he was, and begun rubbing his back. "I'd rub your belly, but I don't want anyone wandering out of a classroom and getting the wrong idea."

He shook his head. "Right now back is better. Nerves, not the alcohol. I need to calm down a bit."

She looked at him for a bit, before nodding and grimacing. "That kind of sick. I hate that feeling. I'd rather actually be sick, then feel sick from nerves."

He nodded and closed his eyes, glad that at least the headache was still gone. If the shot wore off before he was done here, he really would be sick.

He took deep breaths for a few minutes, before he let his breath out in a rush and pushed away from the wall. "If I don't do this now, I never will. This is the one person I know wouldn't hurt me on the tour, and I'm afraid of even meeting her!"

Donna nodded and patted his shoulder in a useless attempt at trying to comfort him. "You were hurt by other people there though, it's alright to put her in with the others, even if she wasn't as involved as the rest of the group. That's why you're here. To get rid of that feeling!"

He looked at her and nodded, before he began walking. "Yeah, just...lead me to the library. If she's not there we'll just have to find her dorm or something. Do they even have dorms here? Which planet are we on? I mean Grandon University isn't much help. All it tells me is the main population is human!"

He only knew that because he had met Thomas Grandon and gave him the choice of either going to jail for the rest of his life, or giving quite a lot of his money to any kind of charity he wanted. In the end, he'd given the money to the poorer schools in three galaxies, one being the Milky Way. He'd had quite a few schools named after him because of it.

They made it to the library in two minutes, and the first person he saw through the windows was the one person he was looking for. Well, that was relatively easy. At least she hadn't been in the stacks somewhere.

Deedee was sitting at one of the long desks near the windows facing the courtyard outside, jotting down notes from a textbook, and a few of the books from the library. She stopped to stretch, looked up and spotted him. She shoved her glasses further up her nose and blinked a few times, as if she was trying to tell if he was really there, or just hallucinating his image. She stood up, but didn't move any further.

He gave her a short, awkward smile and waved at her. She raised her hand back, and went over to the door, coming outside, before standing in front of him and Donna.

"Doctor? I didn't expect you to show up here."

"Hello, Deedee. Back to studying I see."

"Third year, History. Lost moon of Poosh is still lost."

He huffed out what should have been a real laugh. "Yeah. Maybe it was hit out of orbit or something like that."

"Poor Poosh, losing its moon like that."

A smile made its way onto his face at that and he nodded. "It's good that Poosh is still there after losing its moon."

She smiled back at him, and he was put more at ease when he noticed that she was just as nervous as he was. He chuckled and shook his head. "Umm, I was told that seeing the people on board the Crusader with me might be able to...help me a bit. From the, umm, trauma. And honestly, I don't usually say umm. Or trauma for that matter."

Deedee didn't answer right away, which had him shuffling awkwardly on the spot. She must have noticed how he was feeling, because the next minute he knew she was frowning at him. "What they did was wrong. And I'm sorry that I got everyone believing it was possible to throw someone out by telling them the six second time limit. I was scared too, and it seemed like the only thing to do to get rid of the problem at the time..."

He nodded. "I know you were scared. We all were. Things got way out of hand though. And, I know it was stupid, but I just couldn't allow them to throw Sky out. At the same time I knew I couldn't let that...thing to roam free."

"It was you who predicted what it would do..."

He nodded. "Yeah, and I also said that the last thing that we all wanted was it becoming me. I'm...unique. Very unique. In both species and what I do. I couldn't afford to have it take me over. No one could, because it would have the entire universe and all of time as its playground."

Donna rolled her eyes at him as he looked at her. "What he's saying is he's the last of his kind. And he has a time machine that also travels through space."

Deedee looked between the two of them, a look of horror crossing over her face. "The last? You only have Donna with you? She's all you have?"

He shook his head. "No, I have other friends, and they've all been pretty much brilliant about all this, and I have the TARDIS. The old girl is always there with me, thankfully. Still, the past few weeks have been hell for me. But, I'm getting better. And, as I said before, I was told that talking to the people on board the Crusader with me might help further."

Nodding, Deedee held out her hand, and he took it in a measure of peace to the one person who hadn't really been in on the trying to kill him. He felt his confidence returning a bit, and he smiled at her a bit and this time it was more real. They held on for a bit longer than was truly necessary, before dropping their hands to their sides and falling into a rather awkward silence.

"Well, thanks for the time anyway. Good luck on your studies."

Deedee nodded at him, gave an awkward smile back. "Thanks. And good luck. With speaking to whoever you haven't been to yet, I mean."

He nodded and grimaced. "Yeah. Speaking of, Hobbes? He works here?"

Deedee nodded. "Yeah, in the Natural Sciences building. Do you need help finding it?"

Donna showed her the map, and Deedee nodded. "Well, bye, Doctor."

"Bye, Deedee."

He and Donna watched as she walked back into the library and went back to her desk, waving to them shortly, before going back to her books and studying.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he turned to Donna. "So, Natural Sciences...which way?"

Donna looked at the map, turned in the right direction and pointed. "It's down the end of that pathway. You sure you're up to this right now? I mean, don't you want a bit of a break, if these talks are going to get worse?"

He shook his head and smiled at her. "Nah, talking to Deedee helped a bit. I'm feeling more confident. Hobbes now, since he is here too, and then on to the Canes. That's the one I might take a break beforehand."

She nodded, looking quite pleased with the thought he'd take a break in between these two and the next three. Maybe she thought this was harder than it had been so far? And with the family he'd be talking to, he knew he'd be having a harder time than with Deedee and the Professor.

Plus he was beginning to feel the stirrings of his hangover again, and he'd want to fully sleep that off before having to deal with Val and Biff.

He wasn't too worried about speaking to Jethro though, oddly enough. Probably because he had been the one that had caved under the peer pressure of his own parents and the Professor. It had been against his wishes.

Yet here he was, about to talk with Hobbes, who had been one to grab him ready to throw him out of his own steam. Reluctantly, yes, but still one who tried to force him out.

He motioned for Donna to lead him the right way, and stepped behind her again, ready to do this, because if he didn't he'd run in the opposite way. This was where things were really becoming scary for him. Deedee had been awkward but easy enough to talk to.

Soon enough they were back amongst the corridors of the natural sciences area of the school, getting closer and closer to the next destination. The same feelings of dread and fear were sneaking up on him, making his head ache more than it already was and his stomach to tighten.

"Oh, I really feel sick now..."

"You said that last time. Come on, just this little talk and you'll be home free. Well, until tomorrow, then you can do the other one. It is just one, right?"

He nodded. "Should be, yeah. They're a family after all."

Donna rolled her eyes at him. "Oh yeah, that so means that they'll all be together."

Grimacing he shrugged. "They better be, because I don't think that I could stand to talk to them all separately, especially Val and Biff."

Nodding, Donna stopped and grinned at him. "Well, Natural Science right here. Go on, have your chat. Want me in there with you?"

He looked towards the door he hadn't even noticed that they had arrived at and frowned at it. "Think I'll do this one alone, but thanks. I'll be out soon. I hope..." The last was meant as a joke, but the serious look in Donna's eyes made him wipe off the nervous smile he had managed to form on his face.

Before he could stop himself, he opened the door and stepped in. Three teachers were inside, including the one he was looking for. He stared at Hobbes for a bit, before clearing his throat and gesturing to his side where the other two professors were, in a silent bid to get rid of them.

"Hmm, yes. May, Foren, can you leave me and my...guest for a moment for some privacy?"

"Sure, love," May stated, heading towards the door and leaving the office fast. Foren stayed for a few more seconds extra, before heaving a sigh and moving out himself.

He and Hobbes spent a few long seconds staring at each other, before he spoke. "So, back to teaching, then. I met Deedee, she told me you'd be in here."

Hobbes glared at him shortly, his eyebrows drawing together in a disapproving way. "What are you doing here? I didn't ever expect to see you again."

Glaring back, the Doctor shrugged, went over to a couch he had spotted and sat himself down. "Of course not. You don't ever intend to meet the people you attempt to kill. It usually doesn't go along so well. Be thankful I'm only here to talk. Quite a lot of people I've known through my life would not fail in repaying the favour. So to speak."

"Are you threatening me?!"

Shaking his head, the Doctor sighed and leaned back, trying to get comfortable. Nerves were making that near impossible. "No. Just stating a fact. A lot of people have tried to kill me in my life. It's a...job hazard really. I'm quite used to it. The thing that got me, that really got me, wasn't that you tried to kill me, it was how. And why. And that one I'm a bit stuck on. Why did you do it, Hobbes?"

Sputtering followed the question, before Hobbes sat down in a mangy looking chair opposite the couch, fiddling with the frayed edges of the arm rests. "We thought it was in you. We had no way of not knowing. None of us had a clue until the hostess did what she did."

Shaking his head, the Doctor rubbed at his nose and frowned. "You never listened to one word Deedee said. She knew. You threatened to throw her out too if she didn't shut up. That's not nice, is it? I'm guessing that she's no longer your assistant. Can't blame her. I'd want out of an apprenticeship, if it meant staying away from someone who wanted to murder me for speaking my mind."

More sputtering followed that, before Hobbes sank further into the seat. "No, she quit the position as soon as we were back on the leisure palace. And usually she does nothing but talk, most of it about nonsense."

"Nonsense? She was trying to tell everyone on board that I wasn't the one possessed, that it was still in Sky, but you were all so set on chucking me out, that you never bothered even listening to her. You never did. You did nothing but demean, look down on and belittle her. You never let her speak at all, even when what she was saying was true, because you wanted to feel superior to her. Well, guess what, Professor, she has more brains and guts than you ever will. She is superior to you."

Hobbes glared at him harder than before. "How _dare_ you say that to me! I'm a respected Professor, with years of experience and work under my belt. Deedee is some silly little third year girl, who barely knows half of what I do."

A small smile, one most of his enemies ran at when it was shown, settled on his face. He got up and walked over to the chair the Professor was sitting in, leaning over him, hands on the arm rests, making sure Hobbes couldn't get out.

"Oh, I dare. I dare all the time. It's what I'm good at. How do you think your other Professors would act towards you, if they knew you had purposefully tried to kill me? For no reason, hmm? Would you get fired? Would you ever be able to have another job again as a teacher? Would that perfect mark of yours for being respected and loved be marred and trampled all over?

"How would you feel, if everything in your life that meant something to you was turned on its head and made bad? That was what you did to me, Professor Winfold Hobbes. You destroyed all the things I knew and cared about and looked up to in a human being. And you have no idea how much that hurts.

"At first I thought most of what I was scared at when getting out of there was that, that...thing would come back, but it wasn't. It was being stuck on the shuttle with you and the others, all human, too scared to get off the floor and in a seat, in case you tried to throw me out again for putting myself on your level. You ruined me. Or helped to anyway. I hope you're proud of yourself. People have been trying that for centuries and never succeeded."

Hobbes looked somewhat surprised and worried over what he might do. "I didn't do that, no one did. It's just your interpretation."

Laughing slightly at the answer he was given, he nodded. "Yes. It comes from the interpretation of the scapegoat you all used to make yourselves feel better. Throw out the alien, it'll all go away. I wonder who it would have tried to infect next. You, Professor, who thought so much more highly of himself than is true? Me? I am different to you. In species and brain power and in uniqueness, I am better than you. I am a higher life form. But I can't be, because I am not human, and nearly every human knows that anything non human is nothing compared to them, right? Covering the universe, as a friend of mine once said, like a virus. Funny thing was, she could see it, and she's human too! She was ashamed of what she saw. Humans using other races as nothing but slaves, just because they think that they're better. Using other races to do everything for them, because they feel they are entitled to it. Using other races to demean and belittle, just so they can think even more highly of themselves. I used to love your species, regardless of all this. Now I can barely be in a room if more than one is in there with me."

Hobbes sputtered at him again and looked angry. "We are above that now! We don't need slaves."

Shaking his head, the Doctor moved away from the chair, severely disappointed in the Professor. "Deedee was smart, because she could see things as truth. You, Professor, you just like to see things in your own box. That's what makes Deedee better than you. It has nothing to do with intelligence, or knowledge or life experience. It comes down to who is better. And she is by far a better person than you ever can hope to be.

"Thanks for letting me know that, despite me being higher in species and intelligence and morality that you think me nothing, because you have to be above everyone else. I see talking to you was a waste of my time. I was trying to understand why. I got a proper but short answer from Deedee, and none from you. I'm going now. Good day."

Before he could even hear the reply that Hobbes was trying to shout to him, maybe even an apology might have been somewhere in there, he left the room, steaming with anger, and stomped his way back to the TARDIS. Donna, who had been waiting at the door followed as best she could, but right then he wanted to be alone. He definitely didn't want the company of a human.

"Doctor, what's wrong?" she said when he stopped to put the TARDIS into the vortex, leaving them in the room for a minute together.

"Don't talk to me right now, Donna. I am _really_ not in the mood."

Usually she would get all sarcastic at him for a comment like that, but he must have been showing clearly what he was feeling on his face, because the only reply he got was a slight nod and Donna left him to go somewhere else. He sighed in relief. He really didn't want to hurt any of his companions. Especially Donna. He was getting slightly angrier than he was used to though.

Making sure that the TARDIS was safe and secure in the time vortex, he made his way not to his room, but to a gym he had. He needed to work off this energy before he did something he really regretted.

A boxing bag he hadn't remembered he had was up and waiting for him. He spent 5 minutes beating it with his fists. When that failed to make him feel better and left him with sore hands, he decided doing something else until exhausted might work better. So he jumped on one of the exercise bikes there and pedalled. A running track would have been a bit more useful, but he didn't have one of those to his knowledge, so the bike was the next best thing. Running was his usual way of getting rid of excess energy and emotion. It should work in a stationary position too...hopefully.

By the time Donna found him in there he was barely pedalling and sweating heavily, but didn't want to stop. In the end, she unplugged the machine and he panted heavily at her in response.

"Okay, I get it, you were angry and needed to let off steam. Did you have to overdo it? Silly Martian. Come on. You look ready to drop."

He staggered off the machine, confused as to why he felt like his legs were made of jelly, and he was having trouble standing up straight, let alone walk anywhere. Donna rolled her eyes at him, supported his body and walked him to the nearest bench and sat him down. "Bloody hell, Doctor, what did that bastard say to get you like this?"

Shaking his head, stopping when the move made him dizzy, he spent a few seconds trying to compose himself so he didn't get sick all over Donna's shoes. "Sorry. It wasn't anything he said as his whole general outlook on things...I guess I was hoping for him to be a bit nicer or something. Instead, he was just like he was on that shuttle. And I hate that. I hate that he didn't learn anything from it. Hate that he could look at me and say that it was all just my interpretation that made it that bad. You were there with Deedee, you know it isn't just me that knew it was bad. God, Donna, he tried to make it sound like they were completely innocent of all wrong doings."

Donna hugged him close after that, even though he was covered in sweat and smelt just as bad as he probably felt. "He isn't the worst though, is he?"

Shaking his head again, he wished to just go have a shower and climb into bed. His head was pounding again, though this time it had nothing to do with a hangover and everything to do with over exertion and nerves. "I can't do it, Donna. I don't think I'd be able to go into a room with Val and Biff and not get violent. I don't want that. I can't..."

"Have a rest then. Leave it a few days and calm down."

"I don't think I'd be able to try again if I give it a break, but I definitely can't do it now. Help me up. I need water and a shower. Then I'm going to sleep for a bit. I'm exhausted."

Donna helped him to the shower room off the gym, stepping out when he'd drank a bit of water and was comfortable with standing on his own. He stayed in there just long enough to get clean, before turning off the taps and wrapping a towel around himself. He walked out on his own, though he was still shaky on his feet.

He was never going to do that again. Never. It had been stupid of him.

It had kept him occupied though, and while he felt like he was about to drop, he did feel calmer emotionally, and that right then was all that mattered.

Donna flung an arm over his back and guided him to his room. He didn't bother getting dressed. When Donna had left his room, he took off the towel, climbed under the covers and was asleep within minutes.

He woke up 6 hours later with his legs feeling like they were about to drop off with cramp. For a few wild minutes, he couldn't move at all from pain. Then his muscles began relaxing slightly, and he could move, though it hurt to do so. Still, he knew he'd have to get up eventually.

He was saved the embarrassment of stumbling around when Donna knocked on his door and poked her head in. "You alright?"

"My legs are killing me..."

She grinned and nodded. "Yeah. Overdid it, didn't you? Here, I'll give your legs a massage, get some of the cramp out, if you want."

"Oh, yes. Please."

He had forgotten that he was naked under the sheets and it wasn't until Donna let out a loud shriek and shoved them back over him that he remembered. He blinked at her and gave a slight smile. "Oh yeah, and I'm naked under the covers. Sorry."

She smacked him and glared. "You could have warned me!"

He shrugged and grinned, rubbing at his now sore head. "Actually, I forgot until you shrieked at me."

Rolling her eyes, she went over to his drawer, pulled out a pair of pants and threw them at him. "No more nakedness please. Put them on, or no massage. And under the covers!"

This had definitely put him in a much better state of mind, and he couldn't get rid of the grin on his face, as he wriggled his way into the clothing Donna was now in the middle of dumping on his bed for him to wear.

She chose him a clean blue suit, which he decided was rather good. At least it was different to the brown he had been wearing on the shuttle on Midnight. It hurt to put his clothes on because his muscles didn't want to work properly, but he managed, though afterwards he was grimacing.

"Better. Now, where was I?" Donna stated, as she put her hands on his thigh and begun to massage the aching muscles.

He actually shouted out loud from the pain of it when she started, and for a few minutes he was sure he would never feel his muscles relax. But then the cramp let go and relief washed through him. Until, of course, Donna moved to his other leg to start on that one.

Thankfully, by the time she was done, he was able to move without too much trouble, though he would probably be sore for days afterwards. He'd just have to curb his desire to run away from Val and Biff and stay out of any other trouble, because he wouldn't be doing any speed faster than a slow walk until he felt better physically.

Sighing loudly, he got up off his bed and made his slow way to the console room. Which planet were they from?

Sending his mental image of the married couple to the TARDIS, he was soon on his way to meet them. He hoped that he didn't embarrass himself too much when he got there...

The TARDIS landed with a bump outside a normal looking house. It was during the day, if the blue of the sky and the heat of the sun meant anything. Still, that wasn't always a good indicator. His internal clock told him it was roughly midday though.

Donna stepped out after him and smiled. "This looks like a nice place. What planet is this? Looks like Earth to me."

"I don't know, but it isn't Earth. Slightly closer to the sun. Doesn't matter anyway. Come on, this has to be the right house. The TARDIS wouldn't mess this one up."

Donna looped her arm in his and together they made their way up the path that led to the front door. He didn't stop moving, because he knew if he did he'd turn back around and never come back, and he didn't want to do that. He'd have to face this at one stage.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. He was both relieved and scared still when it was Val who answered, a smile slipping off her face when she noticed who it was.

"Oh. Hello. It's you."

He nodded, and failed to put a smile on his face. "Yeah. Me. Hello."

Donna scowled at the woman. "Well, are you going to invite us in, or do we have to stand out here in the heat while you gawk at him all day?"

Horror at the way she was talking to the woman in front of them passed through him, and he could do nothing but swallow the lump in his throat. Val blinked at them for a few moments, before opening the door and nodding them in.

They ended in the kitchen, where it was clear that Val had been in the middle of making lunch for her and Biff. Jethro, curse his luck, was at school. Damn, that meant another talk after this one.

Biff, having been in his study doing something for his work, walked back out to ask who was at the door and froze when he saw who it was. The Doctor cleared his throat, tried and failed again to smile, gave a small wave and said a quick "Hello. Remember me?"

A hand was raised to his mouth, and it looked like Biff was using the wall to hold himself up. "Doctor...what are you doing here?"

Shrugging, the Doctor moved to a seat, desperately needing it right then. Sitting down before he fell down, he coughed a little in embarrassed horror. "I've been going to everyone left alive...I was told it might help me get over what you did to me."

Val frowned, shoved a plate on the table opposite him and sat down. "I didn't do anything. It was the men. They were the ones who tried to throw you out."

Raising an eyebrow, he scowled at her. "You made them do it! If it wasn't for you egging on both Biff and Jethro, neither of them would have touched me, and the Professor was so unsure he almost helped rip my foot off... It wouldn't have gotten that out of control if it wasn't for you, so don't you _dare _tell me you did nothing!"

Donna placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed and he could tell why. He wasn't shouting, in fact he was doing the exact opposite. His voice had dropped down almost to a whisper. It was his voice for when he was trying to throw down governments, it was the tone he used when he was inches away from someone who he wanted to hurt. It was the voice he saved for such occasions as when he punished the Family of Blood.

He was not at all happy with her. She would continue to go on denying she had anything to do about it unless he made her see reason. And he needed her to see reason. The Professor didn't matter, his reaction nothing in comparison to this woman's.

She blinked at him and her mouth tightened. "I didn't do that! Biff, tell him I didn't do that!"

Shaking his head the Doctor let out a chuckle and it wasn't a nice sound at all. "Oh, Val, Val Cane, hiding behind your husband. Feel a bit odd? Not something you're used to is it. Not when you're used to ruling the roost."

Val opened her mouth to say something else and that's when Biff lunged towards him. "You can't speak to my wife that way!" the man stated, hovering somewhere between the door and the chair he was seated in and the Doctor finally was able to shift his lips up. It wasn't a smile though, more like a leer.

"What's the matter, Biff? Don't want to come near me? Afraid of what I'll do if you touch me? Won't hurt you so much if I throw you out of the house will it? You'd definitely live too. Remember the hassle I was in trying to move me from one vehicle to the other? Imagine that type of reaction for over a month...a month! That bloody thing invaded my mind and the only thing I care about is that you humans are the ones who truly hurt me."

"What are you talking about? It's only been a week!" Val stated, crossing her arms.

"I'm a time traveller. I'm the last of my race. If you had killed me you would have been wiping a species out. You would have been the ones to make the Time Lords extinct. And any way you look at it, it was just plain murder. For me it has been a little over a month since it happened. To you, it has been a week.

Val huffed at him. "Yeah, last of your kind. I believe that one as much as I believe your name's the Doctor."

He glared at her. "I chose my name after I graduated. A privilege my...job gave me. I chose to be called the Doctor. So, if you must know, yes, it is my name. It's the name I use. I can't, literally can't, give out my real one. You backed me into a corner so tight I doubt there was anything I would have been able to do to prove that I wasn't with Sky."

Biff sat down, in the seat furthest away from him, the Doctor noted, and frowned. "Still no evidence you weren't with Sky."

He let his head fall to the table and begun to bang it on the hard surface. The pain was good. The kind of thing he needed right then to get himself back under control before he throttled the family in front of him. A hand stopped his head from cracking on the table a fourth time and he sighed loudly, and looked to see whose it was. Donna was frowning down at him with concern.

"Doctor, will you stop that. You're bleeding..."

He blinked, rubbed his forehead but came away with no blood. It was then that he noticed his nose hurt. He must have hit it one of the times he was aiming for his head and not even noticed. "Oh. Ow. Donna, I want to go. This is useless."

She pulled out a tissue and handed it to him and he was glad to see that he had just scraped the outside corner of his nose on the edge of the table and that he hadn't broken anything. He soon had stopped the bleeding.

"You're not giving up now. Just calm down a bit, yeah? You're acting like a right bastard."

He nodded and frowned at the table. "Sorry. I've had a hell of a hard time with this incident. I've been having nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, and done a lot of crying. I don't cry. I never cry..."

Donna squeezed his shoulder as he said what he did to the table, not knowing who he was saying it to, but not wanting to raise his head. He didn't want to see what looks they'd have on their faces. "I've always held the belief that, while humans weren't inherently good, they weren't inherently evil either. And usually when I get into trouble, there's always someone willing to help me out, who happens to be human. You lot...you found out I wasn't human and immediately thought I was an alien threat working with whatever was inside Sky, and decided I was no better off alive than any of the others.

"You destroyed my belief in humans. A belief I've held intact for centuries, even through times when humans have been the enemy. It happens, and I get it. I do. But what you lot did...it shook me so much. You ripped away the one thing I knew was a universal constant. Humans when in trouble will band together, try and get out, but usually don't try to throw out and kill someone for no reason, who is trying to help them! _Why?!_"

He refused to cry openly in front of those two. But this whole conversation was extremely upsetting. He turned around and hid his face on Donna's side, feeling her pet his hair in an attempt to comfort him.

Words were spoken between Donna and the Cane's. He didn't hear them though. All he could hear in that moment was his blood rushing through his head and the loud sound of his own heart beats. He needed to learn how to control his emotions. He couldn't go on like this. If he dropped everything once he got into trouble to cry he'd be dead in no time.

He hoped that he was only acting like this right now because of who it was that he was trying to talk to and not the norm from now on.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to get himself under control and sniffed loudly.

He turned his head around, embarrassed by what he must look like. The Cane's were looking away, not at him and Donna. Donna, whose arms were wrapped protectively around him, shook her head and grinned in a mild way which usually meant she had just said some rather nasty things and meant every single word of it.

He was disappointed to not know what it is she had said.

"Come on, Doctor. Let's get out of here. You can come back later. Alright?"

He nodded, got up and felt rather empty at not having Donna's arms around him anymore. He hoped the next time wasn't so upsetting and the family had learnt something from what he had said, and, hopefully, from whatever Donna had told them too.

He might even go back to visit the Professor at some stage. See if he still thought the way he did.

He grabbed Donna's hand and together the two of them let themselves out of the house and back to the TARDIS.

Now there was only one person left. At least he didn't think he'd be running away in fear from Jethro. Or running at all on his part. If anything, the boy might try to run from him.

The TARDIS hummed in his head, a comforting sound that calmed him down and made him feel warm inside. He went around her slowly, pushing buttons and pulling levers, getting her ready for the last little trip he had planned.

Where he'd go after this, he didn't know, but he had promised to talk to Jeremy afterwards. Jeremy who, he had decided, wasn't worth the effort or pain he was putting himself through. He was supposed to feel better about himself wasn't he? Not worse.

The TARDIS dematerialised outside the Cane's house and, with barely a bump at all, landed just outside a classroom in yet another school. This one wasn't a university though, it was a normal looking public high school, much like the one that he, Rose and Mickey had been in with the whole Krillitane problem and Sarah Jane.

Maybe he should visit Sarah sometime soon as well. See how she was doing since their last goodbye and see how his present of the latest and best K.9 system he had ever built was functioning.

He poked his head through the glass door into the classroom and spotted Jethro somewhere at the back of the classroom. It looked like they were studying Geography, which made the Doctor smile a bit. It was so normal.

Jethro had his head down, a pair of earphones telling him he was listening to music. Probably trying to drown out the droning sound of his rather boring teacher. He had done something similar himself at that age during lessons. He was hunched and not the same boy he had seen at the start of the Midnight tour.

He knocked on the door to get the teacher's attention and used the few seconds for the door to open to get out his psychic paper. Just in case saying he was the Doctor wasn't enough to get Jethro out of class for...however long this would take.

So far he'd been doing a pretty bad job of seeing everyone.

He hadn't needed the psychic paper which was a rather good thing, since he'd have no idea in his head at all what would show up on it. Just the word Doctor had the teacher go back in, pull the earphones out of Jethro's ears and usher him outside.

Jethro took one look at him and the look on his face made the Doctor want to reach out, grab the boy into a hug and tell him everything was fine. That he didn't blame him for what had happened. That he wasn't at any fault whatsoever and give the boy plenty of reason to see he was still alive. He knew that this would have had some impact on Jethro, but just looking at him was like looking in a mirror.

A week. For them it only happened a week ago. He had to remember that. It was still very fresh for them. Especially Jethro.

"Hi. I just want to chat. You're not in trouble or anything," he said, as the uncomfortable silence between them after the teacher went back into the classroom seemed to deepen.

Jethro nodded, walked him out into the courtyard, where a bench was waiting, and took a seat. "Doctor. You're still..."

He had no idea what the boy had been going to say as he never finished the sentence, but he gave a stab in the dark.

"Alive? Yeah. Haven't really been acting myself lately though. You might understand that. I'm sorry you got dragged into the mess that happened on that truck. It was unfair. On both of us. On everyone really, but mainly us. You're so young and me...well, I'm...different."

Jethro sniffed, looked at him out of the corner of his eye and tipped his head at an odd angle. "Different?"

Grimacing, the Doctor nodded. "There are things about me that are rather...unique in the universe now, one of them being species. And I've had this conversation quite a few times already today and none of them seem to go right. I talked to your parents and the others too. I was expecting you to be home..."

Shaking his head, his brown roots showing through the black dye job, Jethro sighed. "Didn't listen did they? They never do. It's always like they try to control everything I do. I can't go out with friends. I can't talk to anyone about what happened because people would know what happened...I try not to be home as long as I can."

Nodding, the Doctor pulled him into a hug, not being able to resist any longer the urge to comfort him. "I'm sorry you're going through this. Your parents are more worried about their reputation than how are you handling it. That's not right. But still, you can go to a counsellor here at the school. They shouldn't have to call your parents if you don't want them to. And even if they do, it should be confidential and no one else needs to know. This is really bothering you, isn't it?"

Sniffing again, clinging onto him more for the relief of knowing that he was still alive rather than comfort, Jethro nodded. "I keep thinking about it. Dreaming of it. My grades are falling and I don't want mum and dad to know."

He smiled sadly and put his chin on top of Jethro's head and held him close. "I don't have any grades to drop thankfully, but at the same time I haven't got any family to get angry at me for it either. They all died. I've just got my ship, a handful of short-lived friends and my life."

It was that which got Jethro crying on his shoulder, huge gasping sobs, and the Doctor frowned while rubbing the boy's back when he realised that this was probably the first time he had allowed himself to do anything about the emotions he must be feeling after what had happened. Had Val and Biff been so insensitive as to not let Jethro express his feelings? Every child needed that. Hell, he was finding out that so did adults, even ones as old as he was.

Even worse, Jethro was a teenager, and at the age where he'd already be confused about most things about himself and those around him. What happened on Midnight couldn't have possibly happened at a worse stage in life than the teenage years.

Sighing, he let the boy in his arms cry himself out, before letting his arms relax a bit, so if Jethro wanted to get free of the hug he could. Soon they were sitting side by side and not touching each other at all. He could see the embarrassment showing all over the boy's face.

"Hey, if it helps, I've been crying too. And I'm an adult," he stated, grinning at the way he said it so calmly, when he himself was normally embarrassed over the act.

Jethro grinned slightly back, and rubbed at his eyes. "You're the one I almost helped kill. You've got more right to it than me. I'm just some stupid kid who did what he was told."

Frowning, the Doctor leaned towards the boy, looked him in the eye and said, very clearly, that he didn't blame him for it. "What happened wasn't your fault. It wasn't something you wanted to do, but in the situation you felt you had no choice. Your parents used it against you as a rite of passage into adulthood. And that was terribly wrong of them. I don't blame you at all for what you tried to do. I never could. They hurt you as much as they hurt me. And you're not stupid! You have a wonderful mind. You're just afraid to use it because of what the people around you will think."

Jethro looked at him then, losing his grin and frowned. "You blame them too then? I blame them. They made me do it. They tried to get me to kill someone."

The Doctor knew his next words had to be chosen carefully. If he pitted Jethro against his parents completely, it was more than likely the boy would abandon family just when he needed them the most. Or they would kick him out. He shook his head. "I'm angry with them, but I don't blame them. Not fully at least. Mostly I blame the situation. Your parents just happened to be part of that. But so was I, and so were you, and so were Deedee and the Professor. And poor Sky was probably dead as soon as that thing got hold of her..."

"You angry with me too?"

He sighed and shook his head. "No. I'm not mad at you or Deedee. Deedee tried to protect me, and you...you couldn't help yourself. It's your age. Still being young enough to want to please your parents, while also wanting to do anything opposite of what they said. But they threatened to throw Deedee out if she kept trying to defend me. If you didn't, then you too would probably have been threatened the same way. I wouldn't want that, would you?"

Jethro shook his head, and sighed. "I should probably get back to class. It was nice to see you again, Doctor." The hidden 'alive' was still there. Not as strong as before, though.

"Bye. Learn some geography for me!"

That grin was back on the boy's face, and the Doctor couldn't help but nod and wave as he trotted back off to class. Jethro was on the path to recovery from this little incident himself. That was good to see, and he was glad he could help the boy, by his mere presence and by a small chat.

He hoped that Val and Biff didn't go too hard on him. They must realise he's having a hard time of it lately, after all.

He stayed outside for a few more minutes, soaking up the heat of the day and enjoying it. When he got back to the TARDIS, Donna was waiting for him, looking rather worried. He grinned widely at her and moved the TARDIS into the vortex, before he let out a loud "Hah!" and hugged her.

"You're in a good mood now, then?"

He nodded at Donna's question, unable and unwilling to take off the smile that was on his face. "Yep! I feel like one of these chats actually went right. Jethro, he's a brilliant lad, and now he can get back on with his life. I'm sure he'll do fine. He already has more life in him than he had when I first arrived to talk to him."

Donna smiled at him and returned his hug. "He was suffering like you then?"

"Yeah. He's worried what his parents might think because his grades had begun slipping, but I think he'll get back on track now."

She nodded at him and grinned, letting him go and looking at his face carefully. "So, what do we do now? You need to call Jeremy now?"

"Nah!" he stated, pushing any negative thoughts out of his head. "Good mood. I want to just...stay in and do something fun. Watch movies. Read. I've got a room of games somewhere if you're interested."

Laughing, Donna gave him a friendly whack on the arm and nodded. "Sounds good Spaceman. Lead the way."

Grinning widely, and thinking of all the things he could show her just in the games room itself. From alien games to futuristic Earth ones. He grabbed her hand and begun to take her to where the room was located.

Donna let out the noise she reserved for times when she was happily excited about something, and trotted beside him. "You know, after talking with Jethro, you look like you are a lot more relaxed in yourself."

He nodded. "Yeah. I think I am. I feel like I've truly relaxed for the first time since Midnight. And I may have said that before now, but this time I truly mean it. I am really feeling good and _right,_ now."

He could feel her grip tighten slightly for a few seconds in his hand, before it eased back to just holding.

They reached the door to the game room, he grabbed her arm in his, grinned widely and threw open the door with his free hand. "Donna, I give you...a pool apparently. Oi!"

Donna laughed loudly, swatted at his hand and, doing something he never thought she'd do, jumped right in, fully clothed and all. Taking a running leap, he soon joined her.

Jeremy could wait a day, surely. After all, he wanted to have the rest of this day to himself and his companion.

Nothing else right then mattered, except his happiness and though that might be a bit selfish of him, he decided he had the right to be, just this once.

The universe owed him a bit of happiness every now and then, after all.


	31. Epilogue

Please don't kill me for where I decided to leave off this story and the place I will start the next...

* * *

Epilogue

It was the TARDIS ringing in his head which woke him up, after he had finally gone to bed. His legs were stiff and still a bit sore, but the water, warmed by the TARDIS, had helped a lot in taking away the majority of the pain.

He rolled over, sighing with the put out thoughts that he'd like to go back to dreaming. He had been enjoying his sleep for once, and it wasn't very nice of his TARDIS to have woken him up, ringing phone or no. He could still see images of Rose smiling at him from his sleep muddled head.

It was probably Jeremy, wondering how he did with his little talks. He was still in a very good mood though, and didn't want that ruined by having to talk about how he had done. He'd call in his own time...surely Jeremy understood that.

He managed to ignore the slight ringing the TARDIS was sending trough his telepathic centres, and had almost fallen back to sleep again, when the noise stopped. He was relaxed and in that floaty place between real sleep and being awake when the TARDIS started it up again, three times as loud and almost to the point where it deafened him in a way he didn't think he could be deafened.

"Ow! Alright! Bloody hell, cut it out!"

And he'd had a good few hours of having normal, happy fun with Donna yesterday. He didn't want to have to go through his failings in what had happened before that. Still, if he didn't get the phone, it was possible the TARDIS would rupture something to get him out of bed.

Grumbling to himself, rubbing his eyes and wishing for at least 1 more hour of uninterrupted sleep, he made his slow way out into the console room.

He was surprised when he found that the phone that was ringing wasn't the TARDIS phone, but the mobile Martha had given him, and he immediately brightened. A talk with Martha would be fine, even if it was just her calling to see how he was doing. He hurried over to it with a grin on his face, accepted the call and said a loud and happy "Martha!" down the line.

To his surprise it wasn't Martha's voice that answered him.

"Doctor? Doctor! You've got to come. Mum's going insane and we don't know what to do. We're at Royal Hope...please come."

His grin immediately dropped and worry took its place. "Tish? That you?"

"Yeah. Please, can you come? Martha's asking for you."

His worry intensified. Tish was really worried about whatever it was that has happened. "What happened, what's wrong?! Has something happened to Martha?!"

He heard a sniff and felt his hearts clenched. No, she couldn't be dead, Tish had jut said Martha wanted him to come. Just injured then? Was she dying?!

"Martha's fine, Doctor. She's just a bit busy at the moment and couldn't call you herself. She's trying to calm mum down, she's not allowed to help with any of the hospital things with him or anything because it's a family member and she's too close. It's Leo. Our brother. You met him at Laz Labs, remember?"

He remembered how to breathe when he heard that Martha wasn't the one that was hurt, but the worry didn't leave fully. If it did, he'd have felt guilty for that. "Yeah, I remember him. What happened?"

"God, poor Shonara, his girlfriend, found him hanging in their room. Mum's going absolutely mental over it. With him having...you know, during that year, and seeing him like this..."

His breath caught again, remembering how Francine had acted when she had been forced to watch Leo, his girlfriend and their baby killed in front of her. It had taken Clive, Tish and himself to calm her down, and it took a month before she uttered a word again.

But...hanging? Leo? He hadn't met the boy more than once, but one thing he knew for sure, he wasn't the one of the Joneses he'd peg for suicide. He had been a genuinely happy person, proud of both his sisters and hadn't stopped smiling until the disaster had struck. "Was it by his own hand, or was he put there?"

"He did it to himself. If anything, it's making this even harder. Please...can you come?"

"Day, year, time."

She told him without asking why and with no hesitation whatsoever. Having people know he was a time traveller sometimes did come in handy. He couldn't leave the Joneses like this. Not now. Not after they had gone through all that pain together already.

It was like he almost lost a part of his own family, hearing this news and that was worrying. When had he begun to get so close to the Joneses to think them like a surrogate family for him? Why did he have to continually torture himself by getting close to his companions' families?

Shaking his head clear, he hung up on an extremely worried Tish, put in the coordinates and arrived, just as Tish was hanging up on her end.

He hadn't been in the Royal Hope since the day he had met Martha, but he suspected more than ever that he had a reason to hate hospitals. Every time he ended up in one, it was because something bad had happened.

He hoped for the sake of the Joneses that Leo was alright and that he got better from this.

He still couldn't understand why though.

Tish noticed him, waved him over and stared at a closed door. "She's been in there for the past 2 hours and refuses to leave. Leo's going to be fine, physically anyway. But she refuses to leave his side. Doctor...she was doing so much better."

In no time at all, he had a crying woman in his arms, Donna was wandering, confused, out of the TARDIS and tried to take in what was happening and he was lost in a maze of confusion himself.

How was _he_ supposed to make this better? He could barely help himself.


End file.
